Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:12:06 GMT -5
John found Marlena standing outside on a secluded patio at the back of the hotel. The sun was setting, which made it difficult for John to spot her. She stood with her back to him. A light wind was in the air as snow flurries fell around them, “Marlena, come inside. It’s freezing out here,” John said as he wrapped his arms around her. Neither of them had a jacket on, or socks and shoes for that matter. She shook her head. “No, please leave me alone John. I can’t deal with all of this right now.” She started to shiver. “We need to discuss this Marlena if we are ever going to move past it. What if this one issue is what’s behind your memory loss.” She shook her head no again and pulled out of his grasp. “You know that I can’t think when you are touching me.” John smiled at her comment. “Please hear me out Marlena and then if you want to be alone, I’ll leave you alone.” “Fine.” she crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed them furiously with her fingers, trying to keep warm. “I thought you were dead Doc,” John started. “Do you know what that did to me inside? Do you know how that made me feel knowing that I would never see you again? Never hold you in my arms? Never kiss you again? Never make love to you again? Do you have any idea how much your loss destroyed me?” A single tear made its way down John’s cheek. He quickly bushed it away, but not before Marlena saw it. “On some level I understand that John, I really do, but I wasn’t dead. You moved on in a matter of months. You didn’t play the grieving widow for long before you found someone else to keep you company in my bed. I’d buy your line about what my loss meant to you if you hadn’t moved on so quickly. We have twenty years of history together John. Twenty years. That alone should have made you wait at least a year,” Marlena cried out in anger at him for moving on so quickly. “What about you Marlena, you moved on rather quickly and took up with your husband. Hell I’d have been happier if you’d slept with Jack or Victor or even Tony. But no, you knew that my knowing that you had been intimate with Roman would hurt me the most, didn’t you?” John turned on her, his true feelings that he tried to keep inside for the sake of her therapy finally coming out. “That’s absurd for you to think that in my grief I would make such a calculated move. I thought you knew me better, I thought I knew you better,” Marlena said, disappointment in her voice. “You broke my heart John. I had given up on all hope of ever seeing you in person, forced to watch you daily making love to my friend in my bed. Do you have any fucking clue how that felt? Night after night knowing and seeing how you moved on without me.” “Yeah I do, but I can tell you that finding out that you slept with Roman and was pregnant with his child was a lot worse.” Marlena reached up and slapped him hard across his face. “You bastard. Why don’t you just come out and call a spade a spade John? Are we are back to the one issue that you cannot seem to let go of. Fine, I slept with Roman and got pregnant. I’m sorry that I’m fucking human. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be your perfect little wife. I’m sorry that I’m not perfect like everyone seems to think I am. Roman saved my life, don’t you fucking get it.” “Saved it,” John laughed, “He destroyed it. He single-handedly destroyed our marriage.” “No John, you’re wrong. We both destroyed this marriage. While you were out playing Penthouse Fantasies with my friend in my bed, Roman was there for me. If it weren’t for that one night, got it John, one night, I may not be here today. Do you have any fucking clue how close I was to killing myself? Do you have any fucking clue?” Marlena started sobbing again at the memory of her desperation that night. “Don’t say that Marlena,” John said as he tried to pull her into his embrace. “Why, because you don’t think that its true?” Marlena said looking him directly in the eye, their faces mere inches from each other. The condensation from her breath clouded the air around them. “You’re the strongest person I know,” John said as he reached out and stroked her face. “So what? Strong people commit suicide every day. I’m a doctor, I know how to successfully commit suicide.” She frantically rubbed her arms and looked down at her bare toes that were beginning to lose sensation. “But you never would?” Marlena wasn’t sure if he was asking a question or making a statement. “My god, what kind of monster did I become in the last twelve years? I’m fucking human, not some robot. I hurt like everyone else. Why does it seem so implausible for me to do something that’s human?” She turned on him in anger. “But you’d never try to take your life.” “Earth to John. I’ve tried before and I seriously contemplated it when I was prisoner in the castle.” Marlena hadn’t intended to let that bit of information out but was tired of people putting her on a pedestal and seeing her as less than human. What kind of life had she led, what kind of image had she been projecting of herself for the last twelve years? “You’ve tried to commit suicide before?” John was stunned. He expected it of a lesser woman but not Marlena. “John, I’m fallible. Maybe that’s the problem. You view me as some infallible person, incapable of making a mistake. ‘Marlena couldn’t have slept with Roman, someone must have made her’. Is that so hard to believe? Yes, John, even someone like me. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?” John was moved by the amount of pain evident in her face. “But why?” John said softly. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and take away her pain. “Because at one time in my life I was at the point where I had absolutely nothing left to live for,” she said quietly, looking up at the sky. She closed her eyes as the snow flurries gently dropped and melted on her face. The magnitude of what she had been saying finally hit him. He understood for the first time the depth of her despair and what he meant to her. “Marlena, look at me,” John said as he cupped her chin in his hand. She looked into his blue eyes. John noticed immediately that her eyes were dull, almost void of life. The spark was gone. “My god, did I do that to her?” John asked himself. “Marlena Black, I am so sorry if my actions, my moving on with Kate ever made you feel that way. If I could take it back, I would in a second. Don’t you know how much I love you and what you mean to me? You are my life, my reason for existing, and my reason for getting up in the morning. I’m sorry that I caused you pain. I’m sorry that you were forced to watch me being intimate with another woman. Most of all I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to my inner voice that was telling me all along that you were alive. In my grief and despair, I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from drugs. I was in pain and didn’t want to feel anything. That one mistake has caused you so much pain and I am truly sorry for that. I broke your heart. Do you know how low that makes me feel? Knowing that you were relying on me to come and rescue you from the hell you were living and I wasn’t there?” John cried out. “I’m so sorry Marlena. Can you ever forgive me?” He reached out to touch her. “You complete me as a person. Without you in my life I am nothing. Tell me what I need to do to earn your forgiveness and your trust and I’ll do it. Please.” The salt in John’s tears quickly melted the snow that had started falling. “Don’t you see John, you’ve always had it.” Marlena said as she pulled John’s head to her chest, holding him as he openly sobbed.
