Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:31:26 GMT -5
John gasped as he saw Marlena for the first time in months, really saw her. Besides from the obvious extension of her stomach, she was much paler and thinner than he remembered. “Oh doc,” he whispered as he looked at her face in the mirror and saw her staring back at him, tears in her eyes.
“John,” she whispered, as she moved her hands to cover her pregnant stomach. She didn’t want him to see her like this.
“Doc,” John whispered in return as he stepped into the bathroom and moved closer to Marlena.
“Please, I don’t want you to see me like this.” Marlena panicked as she saw him approach her. She grabbed a towel off the rack in an attempt to cover herself.
“You’re beautiful Marlena,” John said as he stood before her. He clenched his hands, open and shut, wanting to reach out and touch her, but afraid to.
“I’m not,” she said as she looked down, an errant tear running down her check. She reached up to wipe the tear away but John stopped her.
“Let me,” he said as he tenderly touched her face and wiped the tear away. She gasped at the sensation of him touching her and closed her eyes. “All I’ve ever wanted was to love you,” John stated plainly. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted…please let me love you Marlena.”
Marlena stood before him, one hand holding the towel to her chest, the other holding onto the towel bar for support. John’s closeness was suffocating to her. He was too close, too real.
“I’m afraid,” she whispered as she looked up at him. She didn’t think that she had the courage to face him, to talk to him. For the first time in months she found his presence comforting in a way. Suffocating, but comforting.
“What are you so afraid of?” he asked as he stared deep into her hazel eyes. He could see the love in her eyes, regardless of whether or not she was willing to admit it.
“I’m afraid to let you love me.”
“Its too late for that…I already do and always will…no matter what happens in this life the one thing that you can always count on is my love for you.”
“You deserve so much more.” After everything that they had been through over the last year, Marlena found it hard to comprehend why John was still here.
“Let me love you Marlena…please,” John pleaded with her. He held out his hand and slowly touched her face. He watched with fascination as she closed her eyes and held her breath. Although her mind may try to deny the feelings that she held for him, her body and heart would never lie. As he stroked her face softly with his one hand he reached for the towel with his other hand. “I need to see you” he whispered.
Marlena didn’t know if he was asking for permission or stating a fact. The analytical part of her mind calculated the personal risk she faced to her fragile mindset if he did touch her. Would she recoil in horror due to the flashbacks? Would her heart betray her and give in to him? She didn’t want to feel or think for once, she just wanted to be. Deciding to take a chance she nodded her head.
John smiled as he slowly took the towel out of her hand and pulled it toward him, away from her body.
“Oh god,” he sobbed as he saw her stomach close up for the first time. “That’s my baby in there,” he whispered as he dropped to his knees in front of her and put his head to her stomach. He reached up and lightly stroked her stomach. “That’s my baby,” he whispered. “Baby, I’m your daddy,” he said softly into her stomach, his fingertips lightly running along the contours. Marlena grabbed the towel bar with both hands, her knuckles white from the pressure. John touching her was too much. She felt sick to her stomach and weak. She was trying her hardest to be strong and not break down in front of him. After everything she had put him through, she couldn’t do that to him. She needed to be strong and keep it together and to let him have this moment with the baby.
“Baby, I can’t wait to meet you and hold you.” John continued stroking her stomach softly. “You are going to be the most loved baby in the whole world.” The baby chose that moment to betray Marlena and make its presence known. John felt the baby kick against his cheek. “Baby,” he whispered as tears formed in his eyes. Her pregnancy suddenly became that much more real to him. “I’m going to be the best father to you,” he said as he traced the outline of a little foot, over and over. “You are so loved and wanted.” He felt a drop of moisture against his cheek. Looking up, he realized that Marlena was crying.
“Oh Doc,” he said as he stood up and cupped her face with his hand. “Thank you.” He heard her sharp intake of breath at his touch and saw her hands clench tighter on the towel bar.
“For what,” she whispered her bottom lip and chin quivering.
“Look at me, please,” he pleaded, as he wiped away one tear with his thumb.
Marlena opened her eyes and looked at him, her mind betraying her. John saw the fear in her eyes. “I would never hurt you intentionally. You have to believe that Marlena.”
“I’m so scared John,” Marlena said as the floodgates to her soul opened. She started sobbing. “I’m scared,” she cried out as her small frame shook. John reached out to take her in his arms, but saw that she stepped back.
“I’d never hurt you, please let me hold you.”
“I’m scared…I don’t want to be scared anymore…I don’t want to hurt anymore,” she said in between sobs. John felt awful, standing inches away from the woman that he loved more than anything in the world, and not being able to provide her with comfort.
John decided to take the chance. Slowly he reached out with one hand and touched her hand on the towel bar. “Give me your hand,” he said, as he looked her in the eyes, pleading with her to trust him.
Marlena slowly let go of the bar with one hand and letJohn take it. John noted how cold her fingers were. “Doc, how selfish of me…you’re probably freezing.” She shook her head in affirmation.
“Could you let go of the bar?” he asked, as he squeezed the one hand he was holding. She slowly released her other hand from the bar and allowed John to grasp it. She looked up at his face as saw that he was smiling.
“This is good…this is a good step,” he whispered to her. “See its not so scary is it?”
He watched as she shook her head no. He let go of one hand and reached down into the bathtub and checked the temperature of the water. “Marlena, why don’t you get into the bath? The water is still warm,” John said softly as he held onto her other hand.
“Okay,” she replied as she slowly sat down in the tub. John noticed that she was trembling.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said trying to reassure her. He could tell that she was trying her hardest to keep it together and not break down. Part of him wished that she would break down so that at least they could finally discuss all the things he’d been avoiding talking with her about due to her condition.
“I’m sorry John.” Such a simple statement that meant so much to him. But what was she sorry for? Crying? Breaking down in front of him? Fucking Roman? Treating him like shit for the past 11 months? Ignoring him and treating him like a leper? Being emotionally unavailable to him when he needed her most? Accusing him of rape? Getting pregnant with his child and not telling him? As much as he needed to know, being close to her was more important.
“It’s okay,” John reassured her as he picked up a washcloth and placed it in the water. He squirted some lavender liquid bath soap into the wash cloth and then took her arm and slowly ran the wash cloth up and down her arm, cleaning it. John watched her face closely, looking for signs that he was going to far and making her uncomfortable. He picked up her other arm and did the same thing. Marlena leaned back into the tub, resting her head on a bathtub pillow. John noticed that her breasts and stomach were the only parts of her body visible above the water.
“I’m going to wash your legs,” he told her before he picked up one slender foot from underneath the bubbles and took it in his hands. He always loved how perfectly her foot fit in the palm of his hand. With his other hand he picked up the washcloth and slowly washed her feet, taking time to massage them. The old Marlena loved when he’d massage her feet at night after a hard day’s work. He cleaned and massaged the other foot, noticing the relaxed look on Marlenas face.
Seeing that her eyes were closed, John took the time to study her stomach, marveling that a mere centimeters of skin, fat and muscle separated him from his child. He wondered how the baby was doing and what it looked like. Would it be a little girl and look like her big sister Isabella or would she look more like him, dark hair and blue eyes? Would it be a little boy that looked like Brady with blond hair and blue eyes or would the little boy look like him; dark hair and blue eyes? John put the washcloth down on the side of the bathtub and squirted more lavender soap in his hands. He lathered his hands and then slowly reached down and lightly touched her stomach, watching her face carefully. She immediately tensed up and clenched her eyes shut tighter but didn’t say anything. John slowly ran circles with his fingers around her belly, paying particular attention not to touch her breasts, even though he so desperately wanted to.
“Hi baby,” he whispered as he ran his fingers lightly around her belly button. The baby moved, turning on its side. John saw the bulge in stomach where the baby had tried to expand his or her living space. He lightly pressed his fingers down, feeling the baby. The baby responded to his touch. John was rewarded with the sensation of seeing and feeling the baby move once again. “Oh my god, I feel the baby…the baby knows I’m here Marlena,” he said to her with wonderment on his face. Marlena started crying softly, not wanting to open her eyes and see John looking at her with love.
He pressed down lightly on her stomach with his fingertips once again. “Baby, its your Daddy….I love you.” The baby turned again and stuck out a hand, pressing it up and against Marlena’s belly. John couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from his eyes at the sensation of communicating with his baby. Regardless of what Marlena had done in the past, nothing mattered. They had created the life that she carried within her that he would forever be grateful for.
He needed to know that she was feeling what he was. Regardless of the amnesia, she was still intrinsically his Doc, his Marlena and no personality change could alter who she was at her core. His gaze slowly moved from her stomach, past her breasts to her eyes. She was staring at him intently, tears running down her cheeks. Her one hand gripped onto the side of the bathtub and the other holding onto the safety grab-bar.
“Oh Doc,” he whispered in love as his hand continued moving along her stomach. She felt her baby move again as it tried to communicate with John.
“I’m sorry,” she cried out. “I’m sorry John…. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay Marlena,” he said as he stoked her stomach lightly. “Nothing else matters now but this baby…thank you for this gift…this baby means more to me than you will ever know.”
“Please don’t say that,” she begged him. “Please don’t.” Her small frame shook from the sobs that overcame her. John didn’t understand where all this was coming from.
“Marlena, it’s going to be okay,” he said as he slowly brushed his thumbs along her cheekbones, wiping away her tears. “I’m here for you. I’ll help you through this.” Marlena panicked at his words and his proximity. All the doubts and insecurities she pushed down, slowly rose to the surface of her mind. She felt sick and was having trouble breathing.
“John…I….need….to…..get….out…of…here,” she managed to get out between breaths.
“What’s wrong?” John panicked at her sudden change of behavior.
Marlena sat up abruptly in the tub and attempted to stand. She felt dizzy, grabbing onto the towel bar for support. John didn’t know what else to do but help her out of the tub. He put his arm around her waist to support her body. The contact was a sensory overload for Marlena. “No,” she cried out as she tried get John’s arm out from around her. John didn’t know what was wrong and held onto her tighter, afraid that she would slip and fall.
“No,” she cried out again. Memories of John flashed through her mind. John telling her with authority, “We are not gonna argue Doc, we are gonna get back to basics, we are gonna get back to a love that we have shared for all these years, a love that has somehow been put aside by all this confusion and anger, but in my heart I know that love still exists, and is as strong as ever, and I am gonna prove it to you…I’m going to take you home and have my way with you.” She felt him as he picked her up and threw her on the bed and forced himself on her.
She grabbed onto her head, trying to stop the memory and the feelings associated with it. “I can’t do this, I can’t,” she cried out, trying to remove John’s arm from around her.
“Doc, I’m here for you…everything is going to be okay…let me help you to the bed,” John said trying to reassure her. He held onto her tighter.
“No,” she screamed as she slipped from his arms and fell to the floor trying to get away from him. “No….oh god,” she screamed out again in pain as she held onto her stomach.
“Marlena…Marlena…what is it,” John said as he kneeled down next to her in concern.
“Something’s wrong with the baby,” she whispered before she passed out.
“John,” she whispered, as she moved her hands to cover her pregnant stomach. She didn’t want him to see her like this.
“Doc,” John whispered in return as he stepped into the bathroom and moved closer to Marlena.
“Please, I don’t want you to see me like this.” Marlena panicked as she saw him approach her. She grabbed a towel off the rack in an attempt to cover herself.
“You’re beautiful Marlena,” John said as he stood before her. He clenched his hands, open and shut, wanting to reach out and touch her, but afraid to.
“I’m not,” she said as she looked down, an errant tear running down her check. She reached up to wipe the tear away but John stopped her.
“Let me,” he said as he tenderly touched her face and wiped the tear away. She gasped at the sensation of him touching her and closed her eyes. “All I’ve ever wanted was to love you,” John stated plainly. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted…please let me love you Marlena.”
Marlena stood before him, one hand holding the towel to her chest, the other holding onto the towel bar for support. John’s closeness was suffocating to her. He was too close, too real.
“I’m afraid,” she whispered as she looked up at him. She didn’t think that she had the courage to face him, to talk to him. For the first time in months she found his presence comforting in a way. Suffocating, but comforting.
“What are you so afraid of?” he asked as he stared deep into her hazel eyes. He could see the love in her eyes, regardless of whether or not she was willing to admit it.
“I’m afraid to let you love me.”
“Its too late for that…I already do and always will…no matter what happens in this life the one thing that you can always count on is my love for you.”
“You deserve so much more.” After everything that they had been through over the last year, Marlena found it hard to comprehend why John was still here.
“Let me love you Marlena…please,” John pleaded with her. He held out his hand and slowly touched her face. He watched with fascination as she closed her eyes and held her breath. Although her mind may try to deny the feelings that she held for him, her body and heart would never lie. As he stroked her face softly with his one hand he reached for the towel with his other hand. “I need to see you” he whispered.
Marlena didn’t know if he was asking for permission or stating a fact. The analytical part of her mind calculated the personal risk she faced to her fragile mindset if he did touch her. Would she recoil in horror due to the flashbacks? Would her heart betray her and give in to him? She didn’t want to feel or think for once, she just wanted to be. Deciding to take a chance she nodded her head.
John smiled as he slowly took the towel out of her hand and pulled it toward him, away from her body.
“Oh god,” he sobbed as he saw her stomach close up for the first time. “That’s my baby in there,” he whispered as he dropped to his knees in front of her and put his head to her stomach. He reached up and lightly stroked her stomach. “That’s my baby,” he whispered. “Baby, I’m your daddy,” he said softly into her stomach, his fingertips lightly running along the contours. Marlena grabbed the towel bar with both hands, her knuckles white from the pressure. John touching her was too much. She felt sick to her stomach and weak. She was trying her hardest to be strong and not break down in front of him. After everything she had put him through, she couldn’t do that to him. She needed to be strong and keep it together and to let him have this moment with the baby.
“Baby, I can’t wait to meet you and hold you.” John continued stroking her stomach softly. “You are going to be the most loved baby in the whole world.” The baby chose that moment to betray Marlena and make its presence known. John felt the baby kick against his cheek. “Baby,” he whispered as tears formed in his eyes. Her pregnancy suddenly became that much more real to him. “I’m going to be the best father to you,” he said as he traced the outline of a little foot, over and over. “You are so loved and wanted.” He felt a drop of moisture against his cheek. Looking up, he realized that Marlena was crying.
“Oh Doc,” he said as he stood up and cupped her face with his hand. “Thank you.” He heard her sharp intake of breath at his touch and saw her hands clench tighter on the towel bar.
“For what,” she whispered her bottom lip and chin quivering.
“Look at me, please,” he pleaded, as he wiped away one tear with his thumb.
Marlena opened her eyes and looked at him, her mind betraying her. John saw the fear in her eyes. “I would never hurt you intentionally. You have to believe that Marlena.”
“I’m so scared John,” Marlena said as the floodgates to her soul opened. She started sobbing. “I’m scared,” she cried out as her small frame shook. John reached out to take her in his arms, but saw that she stepped back.
“I’d never hurt you, please let me hold you.”
“I’m scared…I don’t want to be scared anymore…I don’t want to hurt anymore,” she said in between sobs. John felt awful, standing inches away from the woman that he loved more than anything in the world, and not being able to provide her with comfort.
John decided to take the chance. Slowly he reached out with one hand and touched her hand on the towel bar. “Give me your hand,” he said, as he looked her in the eyes, pleading with her to trust him.
Marlena slowly let go of the bar with one hand and letJohn take it. John noted how cold her fingers were. “Doc, how selfish of me…you’re probably freezing.” She shook her head in affirmation.
“Could you let go of the bar?” he asked, as he squeezed the one hand he was holding. She slowly released her other hand from the bar and allowed John to grasp it. She looked up at his face as saw that he was smiling.
“This is good…this is a good step,” he whispered to her. “See its not so scary is it?”
He watched as she shook her head no. He let go of one hand and reached down into the bathtub and checked the temperature of the water. “Marlena, why don’t you get into the bath? The water is still warm,” John said softly as he held onto her other hand.
“Okay,” she replied as she slowly sat down in the tub. John noticed that she was trembling.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said trying to reassure her. He could tell that she was trying her hardest to keep it together and not break down. Part of him wished that she would break down so that at least they could finally discuss all the things he’d been avoiding talking with her about due to her condition.
“I’m sorry John.” Such a simple statement that meant so much to him. But what was she sorry for? Crying? Breaking down in front of him? Fucking Roman? Treating him like shit for the past 11 months? Ignoring him and treating him like a leper? Being emotionally unavailable to him when he needed her most? Accusing him of rape? Getting pregnant with his child and not telling him? As much as he needed to know, being close to her was more important.
“It’s okay,” John reassured her as he picked up a washcloth and placed it in the water. He squirted some lavender liquid bath soap into the wash cloth and then took her arm and slowly ran the wash cloth up and down her arm, cleaning it. John watched her face closely, looking for signs that he was going to far and making her uncomfortable. He picked up her other arm and did the same thing. Marlena leaned back into the tub, resting her head on a bathtub pillow. John noticed that her breasts and stomach were the only parts of her body visible above the water.
“I’m going to wash your legs,” he told her before he picked up one slender foot from underneath the bubbles and took it in his hands. He always loved how perfectly her foot fit in the palm of his hand. With his other hand he picked up the washcloth and slowly washed her feet, taking time to massage them. The old Marlena loved when he’d massage her feet at night after a hard day’s work. He cleaned and massaged the other foot, noticing the relaxed look on Marlenas face.
Seeing that her eyes were closed, John took the time to study her stomach, marveling that a mere centimeters of skin, fat and muscle separated him from his child. He wondered how the baby was doing and what it looked like. Would it be a little girl and look like her big sister Isabella or would she look more like him, dark hair and blue eyes? Would it be a little boy that looked like Brady with blond hair and blue eyes or would the little boy look like him; dark hair and blue eyes? John put the washcloth down on the side of the bathtub and squirted more lavender soap in his hands. He lathered his hands and then slowly reached down and lightly touched her stomach, watching her face carefully. She immediately tensed up and clenched her eyes shut tighter but didn’t say anything. John slowly ran circles with his fingers around her belly, paying particular attention not to touch her breasts, even though he so desperately wanted to.
“Hi baby,” he whispered as he ran his fingers lightly around her belly button. The baby moved, turning on its side. John saw the bulge in stomach where the baby had tried to expand his or her living space. He lightly pressed his fingers down, feeling the baby. The baby responded to his touch. John was rewarded with the sensation of seeing and feeling the baby move once again. “Oh my god, I feel the baby…the baby knows I’m here Marlena,” he said to her with wonderment on his face. Marlena started crying softly, not wanting to open her eyes and see John looking at her with love.
He pressed down lightly on her stomach with his fingertips once again. “Baby, its your Daddy….I love you.” The baby turned again and stuck out a hand, pressing it up and against Marlena’s belly. John couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from his eyes at the sensation of communicating with his baby. Regardless of what Marlena had done in the past, nothing mattered. They had created the life that she carried within her that he would forever be grateful for.
He needed to know that she was feeling what he was. Regardless of the amnesia, she was still intrinsically his Doc, his Marlena and no personality change could alter who she was at her core. His gaze slowly moved from her stomach, past her breasts to her eyes. She was staring at him intently, tears running down her cheeks. Her one hand gripped onto the side of the bathtub and the other holding onto the safety grab-bar.
“Oh Doc,” he whispered in love as his hand continued moving along her stomach. She felt her baby move again as it tried to communicate with John.
“I’m sorry,” she cried out. “I’m sorry John…. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay Marlena,” he said as he stoked her stomach lightly. “Nothing else matters now but this baby…thank you for this gift…this baby means more to me than you will ever know.”
“Please don’t say that,” she begged him. “Please don’t.” Her small frame shook from the sobs that overcame her. John didn’t understand where all this was coming from.
“Marlena, it’s going to be okay,” he said as he slowly brushed his thumbs along her cheekbones, wiping away her tears. “I’m here for you. I’ll help you through this.” Marlena panicked at his words and his proximity. All the doubts and insecurities she pushed down, slowly rose to the surface of her mind. She felt sick and was having trouble breathing.
“John…I….need….to…..get….out…of…here,” she managed to get out between breaths.
“What’s wrong?” John panicked at her sudden change of behavior.
Marlena sat up abruptly in the tub and attempted to stand. She felt dizzy, grabbing onto the towel bar for support. John didn’t know what else to do but help her out of the tub. He put his arm around her waist to support her body. The contact was a sensory overload for Marlena. “No,” she cried out as she tried get John’s arm out from around her. John didn’t know what was wrong and held onto her tighter, afraid that she would slip and fall.
“No,” she cried out again. Memories of John flashed through her mind. John telling her with authority, “We are not gonna argue Doc, we are gonna get back to basics, we are gonna get back to a love that we have shared for all these years, a love that has somehow been put aside by all this confusion and anger, but in my heart I know that love still exists, and is as strong as ever, and I am gonna prove it to you…I’m going to take you home and have my way with you.” She felt him as he picked her up and threw her on the bed and forced himself on her.
She grabbed onto her head, trying to stop the memory and the feelings associated with it. “I can’t do this, I can’t,” she cried out, trying to remove John’s arm from around her.
“Doc, I’m here for you…everything is going to be okay…let me help you to the bed,” John said trying to reassure her. He held onto her tighter.
“No,” she screamed as she slipped from his arms and fell to the floor trying to get away from him. “No….oh god,” she screamed out again in pain as she held onto her stomach.
“Marlena…Marlena…what is it,” John said as he kneeled down next to her in concern.
“Something’s wrong with the baby,” she whispered before she passed out.
