Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:48:19 GMT -5
John watched in agony and horror as the love of his life pointed the sleek barrel of the gun at her chest. As much as he tried not to think about what could and most likely would happen, his police and ISA training wouldn’t allow him the freedom to ignore the caliber of the gun, the range and the velocity the bullet would travel as it cut through the skin of her chest, through muscle and bone as it reached its final destination.
“Please John…I don’t want you to see me like this… remember me for who I was.” She slowly picked the picture off the ground with her free hand and grasped it tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry Daddy,” she cried out as she started to sob. John was acutely aware of the pumping of his heart as blood collected in the upper chambers and moved to the lower chambers over and over again, each time his brain inadvertently sending signals to pump faster and faster. As his heart raced, his breathing increased. The terror he felt was like nothing he’d ever experienced before, even in Aremid when he was strapped to the chair awaiting death. Then he knew that life would still go on even if he wasn’t physically present. This wasn’t the case, death, Marlena’s death, would end everything. She was everything to him.
In that moment between when Marlena picked up the gun and pointed it at her chest and pulled the trigger, John saw all that was possible, all that was worth living for. The devastation that he would never see her again, never hold her, never tell her that he loved her, never hear her say that she loved him, never make love to her, never kiss her, never hear her infectious laugh, never wake up with her in the morning, never see her hold their children, never gaze upon her mouth as she smiled, never hold her hand, never look into her eyes and see his future was too much.
She brought the picture up to her lips and kissed the blurred rain soaked image. “I’m sorry daddy that I was never good enough…I’m sorry John…I’m sorry…you’ll always be my forever love,” she said as she looked him in the eyes and pulled the trigger.
“Marlena,” John screamed, as time seemed to stand still. The rapid beating of his heart in his chest as adrenaline rushed through his veins propelled him towards her. She fell backwards as he landed on top of her, grabbing onto the gun. As he grabbed the gun he knew that a life without her wasn’t worthwhile. As dysfunctional as she was, as he was, as they were, she completed him like no other. He needed her. It was as simple as that.
“In te credo, in te spero, te amo, te adoro , beata Trinitas unus Deus, miserere mei nunc et in hora mortis meae et salva me. Amen,” John prayed as he took the gun out of her hand and placed it to the temple of his head. Without regret he started to pull the trigger.
In the nanoseconds that followed, John dropped the gun, realizing that when Marlena had pulled the trigger, the gun hadn’t fired. He hadn’t heard the loud sound that a gun makes when the firing pin strikes the explosive charge on the back of the bullet. What he heard was the sound of the firing pin being discharged and nothing more. Holy fucking shit, she was alive.
Kicking the gun to the side of the pier, John concentrated on the woman lying beneath him. John raised himself on his arms off of her torso; their legs still intertwined.
“Doc,” he said looking down at her tear stained face. She was trembling beneath him, eyes closed.
“Doc…Doc…Doc,” John said as he took her beautiful face in his hands and kissed her all over. In the instant that his lips touched the smooth rain soaked skin of her forehead all the possibilities that the future held for them were once again possible. All the things that he feared never again experiencing were within his reach; gently caressing her body underneath the star filled sky, walking hand in hand in the pouring rain, seeing her eyes light up at something funny when she thought no one was looking, watching her answer all the questions correctly when they watched Jeopardy together, holding her in his arms as she cried at a sad scene in a movie, her inability to tell a joke without forgetting the ending, the unquestionable love and compassion she showed towards others, her infectious laugh and most of all the unconditional love John felt from her. Everything that made her Marlena.
“Thank you God,” John said loudly as he looked up at the heavens, rain dripping down and off of his face. “Thank you.”
Looking down at the tortured face of the woman who was everything to him, he brushed the rain off of her face and out of her eyes. “Marlena,” he said tenderly as he laid back down on her body and gathered her in his arms. The sound of police sirens could be heard in the distance.
“I want to die…let me die,” she whispered. The pain she felt was unbearable. She was barely cognizant of her surroundings; the only thought running through her head was why was she still alive.
“No,” John cried into her hair as he held her. “No.” He couldn’t believe that she, that they, had been given another chance and yet here she was, still wanting to die. John was at a loss as how to help her. “I need you Marlena.”
“Nooooooo,” Marlena continued to cry as she struggled in John’s arms. She didn’t want to be held, she didn’t want to feel human contact, she wanted to be alone. She wanted die.
“Marlena…honey,” John said as she took her face in his hands once again and kissed her on the lips. They were cold to the touch, so unlike the warm lips of his lover.
As she laid beneath John’s body, Marlena felt the steady thump of his heart against her chest. She wished he could draw strength from her, from her death. She willed her system to shut down; hoping that if she concentrated hard enough and wanted it bad enough she could will her heart to stop. She needed for her heart to stop hurting, stop breaking, and stop beating.
She opened her eyes, wanting one last glimpse at John and the sky above him. It didn’t matter that it was raining, she wanted a glimpse of heaven. John stared into the depths of her hazel eyes, trying to connect with her.
In the instant that he looked in her eyes he saw his past, present and future. Marlena, as hard as she tried to deny it was happening saw her past, present and future in John’s eyes. She quickly shut her eyes, not wanting to see all the possibilities. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. She was supposed to be dead.
“Marlena…Julie…my love,” John said to her tenderly. “Whoever you were, whatever happened in the past doesn’t change my love for you. I love you more right now than I have ever loved you before.” He needed for her to know how much she was loved and needed.
“Nooo,” Marlena cried out as she started sobbing. John felt her trying to pull away from him. The weight of his body and their wet clothes made any movement on her part almost impossible.
“Talk to me….tell me what you’re feeling,” John said, trying to engage her.
“I want to die,” she repeated again as she struggled beneath him. She felt like she was suffocating beneath him as she gasped for air. She struggled to bring her hands up to her chest to put some space between her and John, but John’s forearms were in the way. She wanted to die, but wanted death to visit in a relatively painless way. Suffocation and drowning were the worst possible ways to die in her mind.
“That’s not going to happen,” John said as he moved off of her, recognizing from the sound of her breathing that she was having a panic attack. Not wanting to give her the space to run away, he sat up and gathered her frail frame in his arms. She willingly went into his arms, placing her head against his chest; her rain soaked hair partially covering her face. Through the numbness she felt in her soul, she felt safe in John’s arms.
John rocked her back and forth in his arms, not knowing what to say that would make it better.
“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me…I don’t want or need your sympathy…I just want it end,” Marlena said softly.
John continued to rock her not sure of what to say. “Why?”
“Why?” Marlena repeated. The million dollar question. How do you explain something to someone that you don’t even understand yourself? Still, she felt a need to explain herself to John. “I just want it to end…I’m tired of feeling this way.”
“I want to understand…I want to help you,” John whispered as he kissed the top of her hair. Didn’t she know that she was everything to him?
“You can’t understand John, you can’t.”
“Let me try…please.”
“All my life I wanted something else, I wanted to be something else…that’s never going to happen.”
“Tell me about it, please,” John said into her hair, as his lips gently rested on her head. He continued placing small kisses along her hairline, needing to feel close to her. After more than a year of confusion, he finally felt that he was getting somewhere with her. After he left Roman at the bar, he called Shane Donovan and demanded answers. Most of the records dealing with Marlena and her past were sealed by the juvenile courts and inaccessible to the ISA. However, what little information Shane could provide gave him a greater understanding of what exactly he was dealing with.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Please Marlena…I want to understand how you’re feeling.”
“You can’t…I know you want to and I appreciate it…You can’t understand because you’re not me…no one understands what it is to be me…the only person in this world that understands is Sam and she’s dead…she’s dead…the only person that can help me make sense of all this can’t,” Marlena said as she started sobbing. John felt sick to his stomach for causing her more pain.
“I know that you want to help me and that by talking with me about it, you’ll somehow help,” Marlena started as she wiped the tears and hair out of her eyes, “but the truth is you can’t…You don’t understand and can’t understand and I’m thankful that you can’t…I’m thankful for your sake that you don’t see what I do when I close my eyes at night.” She closed her eyes and leaned further into his chest, deriving comfort from just being in his presence. Maybe he could be strong enough for both of them.
“Do you believe that I love you?” He asked, needing to really know the truth. When she didn’t respond right away he started to panic. “Marlena, I love you.”
“I know,” she finally whispered. “It’s just that sometimes I don’t feel lovable.” This was so hard, yet at the same time liberating. It was good to be finally sharing some of what she felt with someone else. She’d spent so many years perfecting the art of hiding what she was feeling, even denying her feelings.
“You are so loved…you are…I love you…Belle loves you…Sami loves you…Eric loves you…Carrie loves you and I’m most certain that Rachel and Noah love you.” At the mention of her children’s names Marlena broke down once again. She had almost selfishly deprived them of their mother. Rachel and Noah would have grown up without ever knowing her or John. How could she have almost done that?
“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered. “What’s wrong with me?” she said a little louder. “What’s wrong with me,” she screamed to the heavens.
“You’re sick and need help Marlena…please let me get you that help.”
“I’m scared John.”
“Don’t be.”
“Will you be there to catch me if I fall?”
“Always my love, always.”
“Please John…I don’t want you to see me like this… remember me for who I was.” She slowly picked the picture off the ground with her free hand and grasped it tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry Daddy,” she cried out as she started to sob. John was acutely aware of the pumping of his heart as blood collected in the upper chambers and moved to the lower chambers over and over again, each time his brain inadvertently sending signals to pump faster and faster. As his heart raced, his breathing increased. The terror he felt was like nothing he’d ever experienced before, even in Aremid when he was strapped to the chair awaiting death. Then he knew that life would still go on even if he wasn’t physically present. This wasn’t the case, death, Marlena’s death, would end everything. She was everything to him.
In that moment between when Marlena picked up the gun and pointed it at her chest and pulled the trigger, John saw all that was possible, all that was worth living for. The devastation that he would never see her again, never hold her, never tell her that he loved her, never hear her say that she loved him, never make love to her, never kiss her, never hear her infectious laugh, never wake up with her in the morning, never see her hold their children, never gaze upon her mouth as she smiled, never hold her hand, never look into her eyes and see his future was too much.
She brought the picture up to her lips and kissed the blurred rain soaked image. “I’m sorry daddy that I was never good enough…I’m sorry John…I’m sorry…you’ll always be my forever love,” she said as she looked him in the eyes and pulled the trigger.
“Marlena,” John screamed, as time seemed to stand still. The rapid beating of his heart in his chest as adrenaline rushed through his veins propelled him towards her. She fell backwards as he landed on top of her, grabbing onto the gun. As he grabbed the gun he knew that a life without her wasn’t worthwhile. As dysfunctional as she was, as he was, as they were, she completed him like no other. He needed her. It was as simple as that.
“In te credo, in te spero, te amo, te adoro , beata Trinitas unus Deus, miserere mei nunc et in hora mortis meae et salva me. Amen,” John prayed as he took the gun out of her hand and placed it to the temple of his head. Without regret he started to pull the trigger.
In the nanoseconds that followed, John dropped the gun, realizing that when Marlena had pulled the trigger, the gun hadn’t fired. He hadn’t heard the loud sound that a gun makes when the firing pin strikes the explosive charge on the back of the bullet. What he heard was the sound of the firing pin being discharged and nothing more. Holy fucking shit, she was alive.
Kicking the gun to the side of the pier, John concentrated on the woman lying beneath him. John raised himself on his arms off of her torso; their legs still intertwined.
“Doc,” he said looking down at her tear stained face. She was trembling beneath him, eyes closed.
“Doc…Doc…Doc,” John said as he took her beautiful face in his hands and kissed her all over. In the instant that his lips touched the smooth rain soaked skin of her forehead all the possibilities that the future held for them were once again possible. All the things that he feared never again experiencing were within his reach; gently caressing her body underneath the star filled sky, walking hand in hand in the pouring rain, seeing her eyes light up at something funny when she thought no one was looking, watching her answer all the questions correctly when they watched Jeopardy together, holding her in his arms as she cried at a sad scene in a movie, her inability to tell a joke without forgetting the ending, the unquestionable love and compassion she showed towards others, her infectious laugh and most of all the unconditional love John felt from her. Everything that made her Marlena.
“Thank you God,” John said loudly as he looked up at the heavens, rain dripping down and off of his face. “Thank you.”
Looking down at the tortured face of the woman who was everything to him, he brushed the rain off of her face and out of her eyes. “Marlena,” he said tenderly as he laid back down on her body and gathered her in his arms. The sound of police sirens could be heard in the distance.
“I want to die…let me die,” she whispered. The pain she felt was unbearable. She was barely cognizant of her surroundings; the only thought running through her head was why was she still alive.
“No,” John cried into her hair as he held her. “No.” He couldn’t believe that she, that they, had been given another chance and yet here she was, still wanting to die. John was at a loss as how to help her. “I need you Marlena.”
“Nooooooo,” Marlena continued to cry as she struggled in John’s arms. She didn’t want to be held, she didn’t want to feel human contact, she wanted to be alone. She wanted die.
“Marlena…honey,” John said as she took her face in his hands once again and kissed her on the lips. They were cold to the touch, so unlike the warm lips of his lover.
As she laid beneath John’s body, Marlena felt the steady thump of his heart against her chest. She wished he could draw strength from her, from her death. She willed her system to shut down; hoping that if she concentrated hard enough and wanted it bad enough she could will her heart to stop. She needed for her heart to stop hurting, stop breaking, and stop beating.
She opened her eyes, wanting one last glimpse at John and the sky above him. It didn’t matter that it was raining, she wanted a glimpse of heaven. John stared into the depths of her hazel eyes, trying to connect with her.
In the instant that he looked in her eyes he saw his past, present and future. Marlena, as hard as she tried to deny it was happening saw her past, present and future in John’s eyes. She quickly shut her eyes, not wanting to see all the possibilities. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. She was supposed to be dead.
“Marlena…Julie…my love,” John said to her tenderly. “Whoever you were, whatever happened in the past doesn’t change my love for you. I love you more right now than I have ever loved you before.” He needed for her to know how much she was loved and needed.
“Nooo,” Marlena cried out as she started sobbing. John felt her trying to pull away from him. The weight of his body and their wet clothes made any movement on her part almost impossible.
“Talk to me….tell me what you’re feeling,” John said, trying to engage her.
“I want to die,” she repeated again as she struggled beneath him. She felt like she was suffocating beneath him as she gasped for air. She struggled to bring her hands up to her chest to put some space between her and John, but John’s forearms were in the way. She wanted to die, but wanted death to visit in a relatively painless way. Suffocation and drowning were the worst possible ways to die in her mind.
“That’s not going to happen,” John said as he moved off of her, recognizing from the sound of her breathing that she was having a panic attack. Not wanting to give her the space to run away, he sat up and gathered her frail frame in his arms. She willingly went into his arms, placing her head against his chest; her rain soaked hair partially covering her face. Through the numbness she felt in her soul, she felt safe in John’s arms.
John rocked her back and forth in his arms, not knowing what to say that would make it better.
“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me…I don’t want or need your sympathy…I just want it end,” Marlena said softly.
John continued to rock her not sure of what to say. “Why?”
“Why?” Marlena repeated. The million dollar question. How do you explain something to someone that you don’t even understand yourself? Still, she felt a need to explain herself to John. “I just want it to end…I’m tired of feeling this way.”
“I want to understand…I want to help you,” John whispered as he kissed the top of her hair. Didn’t she know that she was everything to him?
“You can’t understand John, you can’t.”
“Let me try…please.”
“All my life I wanted something else, I wanted to be something else…that’s never going to happen.”
“Tell me about it, please,” John said into her hair, as his lips gently rested on her head. He continued placing small kisses along her hairline, needing to feel close to her. After more than a year of confusion, he finally felt that he was getting somewhere with her. After he left Roman at the bar, he called Shane Donovan and demanded answers. Most of the records dealing with Marlena and her past were sealed by the juvenile courts and inaccessible to the ISA. However, what little information Shane could provide gave him a greater understanding of what exactly he was dealing with.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Please Marlena…I want to understand how you’re feeling.”
“You can’t…I know you want to and I appreciate it…You can’t understand because you’re not me…no one understands what it is to be me…the only person in this world that understands is Sam and she’s dead…she’s dead…the only person that can help me make sense of all this can’t,” Marlena said as she started sobbing. John felt sick to his stomach for causing her more pain.
“I know that you want to help me and that by talking with me about it, you’ll somehow help,” Marlena started as she wiped the tears and hair out of her eyes, “but the truth is you can’t…You don’t understand and can’t understand and I’m thankful that you can’t…I’m thankful for your sake that you don’t see what I do when I close my eyes at night.” She closed her eyes and leaned further into his chest, deriving comfort from just being in his presence. Maybe he could be strong enough for both of them.
“Do you believe that I love you?” He asked, needing to really know the truth. When she didn’t respond right away he started to panic. “Marlena, I love you.”
“I know,” she finally whispered. “It’s just that sometimes I don’t feel lovable.” This was so hard, yet at the same time liberating. It was good to be finally sharing some of what she felt with someone else. She’d spent so many years perfecting the art of hiding what she was feeling, even denying her feelings.
“You are so loved…you are…I love you…Belle loves you…Sami loves you…Eric loves you…Carrie loves you and I’m most certain that Rachel and Noah love you.” At the mention of her children’s names Marlena broke down once again. She had almost selfishly deprived them of their mother. Rachel and Noah would have grown up without ever knowing her or John. How could she have almost done that?
“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered. “What’s wrong with me?” she said a little louder. “What’s wrong with me,” she screamed to the heavens.
“You’re sick and need help Marlena…please let me get you that help.”
“I’m scared John.”
“Don’t be.”
“Will you be there to catch me if I fall?”
“Always my love, always.”
