Post by kris1907 on Aug 22, 2006 15:36:04 GMT -5
Just Stop
“We’re not married- my marriage to you and to Roman weren’t legal. I was never able to marry.”
John stares at his wife, as his mind desperately attempts to focus on the situation before him, “What-” The word barely comes out before he has to close his mouth and wet his lips, swallowing the shock that his senses are feeling.
“John- this shows that Alex and I-”
“Are married.” John interrupts easily and waves his hands in front of him to indicate his lack of interest in the words that she is saying, as well as the papers she is attempting to show him, “I understand the words- what I don’t understand is how you can say this so easily- so casually as if its no big deal. As if you believe it.”
His words cause Marlena to look up quickly from the papers in surprise, “Because its true.”
“How do you know its true? Cause a few printed pieces of paper say so? Want me to make some that says you were divorced too?” John begins to move over towards his laptop, ignoring her attempt to get his attention, “Just give me a few moments.”
Having been ignored twice, Marlena says his name a third time with more force, “John! Stop it. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous? Me? You are the one telling me that our marriages never happened and doing is so effortlessly that if I didn’t know you any better, I would be led to believe that you have no heart or soul. This is your life here, Doc.”
“That I don’t remember!”
Moving towards her, “Then stop messing with it!”
Under normal circumstances his phrase and tone of voice would have received him a hard slap across his face, but this Marlena is too in shock at the mixture of venom and desperation that filled each word. Her eyes snap up to meet his own angry ones and she can’t help but get lost in wonder at just how much he must care for her to seem this lost and this desperate all the time. Her voice is low, “How dare you.”
John’s cheek clenches as he attempts to keep his temper, “No, how dare you. How dare you screw up your life like this. You have no idea if this is what you want, but you are doing it anyways, so effortlessly. Hurting everybody, especially yourself.”
“I’m not trying to hurt anybody here John.”
“Then stop!” His arms swing out, as he takes a step back to indicate that she should just simply stop and step back, “Just stop and let your memory have time to work things out. If good old Dr. North is saying its harmful for us to keep pushing you to remember, well don’t you think its harmful to you as well to turn your life completely upside down? Just stop. Stop making such choices and decisions right now.”
Laughing slightly at him, Marlena moves away to place the paperwork down on the piano. “So I shouldn’t make any more decisions? Just sit here and do nothing for days, months, years?” Turning back on him, “Just sit and be quiet and hope one day it all comes back to me?”
“I said nothing about sitting and doing nothing.”
“You said stop making decisions.”
John lets out a frustrated grunt as he runs his hands through his hair and stares up at the ceiling. Taking in a deep breath, “Choose whether you want strawberries or grapefruit for breakfast, choose if you are going to go shopping or to a movie, choose what you want to watch on TV but don’t choose whether or not you’re married to somebody, don’t choose to move away and don’t choose to keep your kids at arms length.”
“John-” Emotions get the better of her as she becomes chocked up, “I can’t continue like this. You say you love me, Alex says that there has been no other woman for him and I can’t just be here- exist- like this.”
“Yes you can. We will all have to. Its what’s best.”
Marlena moves closer to him and wipes at a random tear, “I don’t know that. I don’t know that that is best. I can’t just sit and do nothing. I hate this feeling.”
“So you are just going to believe Dr. North and some random pieces of papers?”
“I have no reason not to trust Alex.”
“No reason? No reason, Doc?” He moves to grab her shoulders, but Marlena backs away from him. Closing his eyes, John puts his hands together and taps his fingertips on his lip as he attempts to break through her wall, “You have a reason. The fact that you can’t remember your life is reason enough to question him. To question me. To question everything. I understand what you are going through.”
“Do you really?” Wrapping her arms around herself, Marlena walks over to the window and looks out over the cold fall streets, “Cause I don’t know if I believe that. Believe that you really know what this is like.”
“I can’t remember my parents. I can’t remember my first bicycle. Whether or not I ever got stitches from falling out of a tree. I don’t know if I ice skated or played any sports. I love baseball so have always assumed I played that.” Marlena turns to watch John as he looks out around the room, “I can’t remember my first crush, my first dance, my first date, my first anything. I remember you, Doc.” He turns and attempts to hide his watery eyes from her, “I remember meeting you, falling in love with you, making love to you, raising the kids with you, losing you… all my memories include you. That’s why I am terrified here.” He moves towards the couch and randomly plays with the ends of the blanket, “Everyday of my life I can’t remember these things and I know they aren’t coming back. But yours, your memory wasn’t taken away by Stefano, its just hiding. So yes, yes, I understand how it feels when you can see an image but not make sense of it. Have feelings that don’t make sense. Not know who to trust or who you are. You helped me with all that.”
“How do you live not knowing your past?”
Smiling to himself, John answers quickly, “I have you.” He hears her quick intake of breath and turns towards her, “You’ve been there and you’ve helped me and believed in me and therefore, I have never needed anything more.”
“You have depended on me greatly then.”
A sad smile graces his lips, as a soft “Yes” slips through. “But I believe that you’ve depended just as much on me too. At least, you’ve never let on that I’m a burden.”
Reaching out to grab his hands, Marlena squeezes it lightly, “I’m sure that you never were to me.”
“Marlena, I just want to protect you.”
“I know you do. But Alex wouldn‘t hurt me.”
“No, you don’t understand.” He squeezes her hand again and turns slightly so that he is leaning against the side of the couch, “When I thought that I was Roman, I had his memories. I had a family and friends and a job. It was one of the most wonderful times in my life. I went from having nothing, to having it all. And then one day it was all taken away. I trusted in the information and the memories that I was having and they were all wrong. They weren’t mine and I lost everything that I had known for a second time. So selfishly, I’m scared shitless here because you are trying to take away everything I have known since that moment that I became John Black again. And I don’t think I could survive that. But-” He stops her interruption with a look, “But more importantly, I don’t want that to happen to you. Just because you feel things and see images that lead you in a direction, it might not be true. I had Roman’s memories, but they were never mine to have. And I don’t want that type of hurt, betrayal and lost to ever happen to you. So Doc, please think this through. Give yourself time.”
Marlena nods as she wipes away the falling tears. Trying to take in a deep breath, she buries her face in her hands and allows a soft sob to escape her lips. “Oh God…”
Wrapping his arms around her, John strokes her hair and whispers, “It will be alright. We’ll figure it out. We always have.”
“I don’t know.” Pushing back away from him, “I don’t know anything. But John, if those papers are real and its true that Alex and I are married, then I owe it to myself to learn about that lifetime- about what I forgot.”
“And pretend the last twenty years with me never existed?” The hurt and pain in his eyes is evident, but she truly believes that some of that is for her and that he is feeling her pain and her confusion, “Your life with Roman? You have no memories so shouldn’t you be concerned about remembering it all- not just the Dr. North saga?”
“No- yes. I don’t know!”
Seemingly out of the shadows, Alex North appears and states, “I think that this is enough for one day. We all have a lot to think about, don’t we? And Marlena should get some sleep.”
John doesn’t even bother to turn towards the intruder, just closes his eyes and rubs his temple, “Marlena is a grown woman and can make her own bedtime decisions.” Silence fills the room like a heavy fog, as the next move in unknown. The intentions, the wants, the needs hang in the space between them and nobody knows who will make the first move- the first attack. Shaking the fog from his brain, John looks up at Marlena and sees that her expression mirrors his own pained look. Reaching up, he wipes off the side of her cheek and nods at an unasked question, “Okay, I’ll be at the Salem Inn- you can get a hold of me there Doc, or just call my cell. The number is in your-”
He stops as he sees her nod of understanding, “My cell and in the address book.” Smiling slightly, “I know.”
“Okay, I’m-” Pointing towards the staircase, “I’m just going to go grab some more clothes if you don’t mind.”
Marlena shakes her head ’no,’ as she wraps her arms tightly around herself, “No, not at all. I don’t mind.”
She watches him move hesitantly towards the stairs and then quickly climb them two by two. A hand covers her mouth as she forces the emotions back down. “I don’t know what to do.”
Alex says nohing, but watches her closely as she walks towards the patio doors. She puts her hands up to the cold glass and stares out at the cold night. No longer having the strength to hold up her head, she leans her forehead against the glass and takes in a deep breath, “It looks so empty out there. Cold. I feel that way too. John looks that way.” She seems to be voicing only a portion of her conversation as she notices the small raindrops starting to fall, “Cold and dark. I don’t like the dark very much.”
“Marlena, let me make you some tea.”
“No thank you. I don’t want any.”
“Then perhaps some toast and milk?”
She can’t help the disgusted look that reflects off the glass back at him, “No.”
“Some water, perhaps?”
Her answer comes out slightly harsher than she meant it, “No. I don’t want anything to eat or to drink.”
“Then its probably time for you to head up and get some rest.”
Marlena’s back stiffens and she isn’t sure if its his words or the coldness upon her forehead, but she straightens up, pulls her arms tighter around her body and begins to move away from the glass. She doesn’t answer him nor does she look in his direction as she moves silently to the staircase and begins to walk slowly up the steps. Her eyes never leave the hallway above her, as she completes her journey and moves towards her door. She pauses at the door and her brow creases in curiosity at the silence coming from behind the wooden door.
A hand moves towards the door but instead ends up nervously pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear. The other hand moves to attempt a knock on the door, but stops short. Marlena closes her eyes and attempts to laugh at herself. Her left hand rests softly on the door, as her eyes come to rest on the doorknob. Quickly, she turns the handle and opens the door- jumping with John at the abruptness of her actions. Her nose scrunches up in embarrassment as she looks anywhere but at him, “Sorry.”
John smiles knowingly, but when he sees her look over at him, he clears his throat and apologizes, “Sorry, I-” John stands up holding a shirt, but his eyes move from her to the laundry basket on the bed, “I was just looking for my blue button-down with the green-” Gesturing to his own shirt, “green thing above the pocket.”
“An eagle.”
“Excuse me?”
“I think its an eagle.” She clears the tightness in her throat and moves over towards the bed. Running her finger along the side of the basket, Marlena finishes her thought, “And I think its still in the laundry room.” Her eyes meet his and a slight blush darkens her cheeks, “I hadn’t ironed it yet.”
“Oh- um- thanks.”
“Sorry-” At John’s questioning look she continues, “I didn’t know where to put those- the drawers are a little- different.”
“You always said they were unnecessarily illogical.” He chuckles at her expression and tosses the shirt into his bag, “It makes sense to me.”
Her mouth opens but a nod is her reply. The tension continues to be unnerving, “Do you need any-” Her eyes look up and meet his and her question stops. Once again she is amazed at how easily she can get lost in his dark eyes. There is something so familiar about them and she fights off the urge to reach up and run her fingers along his cheek to smooth out the tension in his jaw.
“Help? No. Almost done and then I’ll be out of your way.” Reaching in, he tosses a couple more shirts carelessly into the duffle bag, before reaching down for the final shirt. As his fingers touch it, he stops and simply stares down at it for a moment. Marlena’s eyes quickly look down at the item but then return to his face, watching the expressions and emotions run wildly across his face. She can almost see the memories, the good times and the seemingly deep pain that he is remembering. Feeling her eyes on him, John sets his jaw in an attempt to keep his emotions at bay and lifts the shirt up to look at it. “Eric’s t-ball team. That was a great season. They went to regionals- everybody came. Was a great weekend.” He laughs but the emotion in his voice catches, “Sami was so mad. I had them both on my team the year before- and on the same teams for soccer and basketball- but Sami wanted her own team. Both teams we undefeated going into the end of the season.” The pride in his voice is evident as he looks up at her, “Just like a Lifetime movie, brother against sister and they played their hearts out. And when we beat her- man, she was so mad.” He laughs and his smile grows a little bigger when his wife joins in, “She didn’t talk to me for a week.” He tosses the laundry basket back into the corner of the room and moves back over to Marlena, “This is yours.”
“Mine?”
“Yeah, you borrowed it once when you stayed over at the loft and- well I never got it back again.” His smile quickly turns bittersweet as he adds softly, “You liked to wear it when I wasn’t home- Belle class its your alone and moody shirt.”
Taking it slowly from him, Marlena studies the object before her. A soft word slips through her lips, “Safe.”
“What was that?”
Marlena watches John move away from her to grab his duffle bag, “Made me feel safe. Its why I wore it. Reminded me of you.” He simply nods and she knows that she once must have told him the exact same thing, but he does not press her any further about it and she is grateful. Holding the shirt open before her, she looks at the front logo declaring ‘Beatty’s Hardware” and smiles softly at the back with ‘coach’ written in bold red letters with faded child names and short comments all over it. She can’t help giggle out, “You totally rule, huh?”
Cocking an eyebrow at her, “Most definitely do.” Laughing with her, “To six year olds that is. One of the best times in my life- watching those kids grow up. Had the same group for three seasons.”
Tears begin to slide out from underneath her eyelids as her mouth moves silently to the words on the shirt. Words written so many years ago by small children whose dreams must have been so large and today are fully grown and embarking into the real word. This man helped shape their early years and from the comments made, she knew he did an incredible job. John stays silent and simply watches his wife’s reactions, as the emotions in her eyes shift with each new comment and finally a bittersweet smile graces her lips as she reads, “Daddy, you are the best coach I have ever had. I love you.”
“At that time I had been his only coach but-” He cuts off as she admonishes him and informs him that the little boy meant every word of it. John is about to leave the conversation there, but instead adds gently, “That has always been your favourite quote. That and Andy’s ’Try not to get so much dirt on your butt next year coach.’ I always managed to have a dirty ass no matter what I did.”
Pulling the shirt close to her chest, “So- did you? Keep a clean ass that is?”
“I-um-” He shrugs and busies himself with zipping up his duffle and putting it back down on the ground.
Marlena leans over to catch his gaze and stands back up with him, “John?”
“No. No- I didn’t get the chance.”
“Why not?”
“Roman,” He clears his throat and looks away, “You came back- then we found Roman and by the next season I was no longer a father of t-ball stars.”
Marlena leans to her right, in an attempt to get John to look at her again, but he turns further away. Moving towards him, she stops right behind his back and can’t stop her hand from gently touching his arm, “So Roman took over?”
“No- that was one part of my life he didn’t take over.” A bitter laugh fills the room as he runs a rough hand through his hair, “It didn’t matter anyways- the twinners quit baseball and soccer.”
“They quit?”
“Yeah, anyways-” Turning and flashing a smile at her, “Its late and I should let you rest. So I’ll go.” John’s voice is quiet as he moves to pick back up his duffle bag and moves towards the door.
“John-wait.” He stops and closes his eyes, praying slightly that she will just let him go. “Did we ever talk- I mean did we ever really talk about what that did to you? You losing everything- the twins quitting baseball? Did we ever really talk.”
“Doc, it really doesn’t matter anymore. Now you need to rest.”
She grabs his arm before he can disappear, “I would like an answer.”
Marlena takes in a deep breath when she sees the obvious pain in his eyes, “No, not really. We did a lot of excepting without dealing back then and the Roman left and life moved on. By the time we got together it didn’t really matter much.”
“But didn’t Roman return again?”
“Yes.”
“And we still didn’t talk about it?”
His jaw clenches tight again, “No. We’ve never talked about it, okay?”
“No.” A tear slides down her cheek and hangs at her chin, “No its not okay because that’s obviously a very painful thing for you- even today. A painful part of the past that haunts you. Perhaps this memory loss will help us.”
“What do you mean Marlena?”
“I now understand better and when I get my memories back, then we will have that conversation. I think that is something that is long overdo for the both of us. Things that need to be said on both parts.”
“Don’t concern yourself with it. Just get some rest.” Moving back to the door, he lets out a soft, “Goodnight Marlena.”
She watches him go and feels the need to stop him. The need to keep him hear and before she can rationalize it, she lets out, “John.”
He stops but doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t know what top aspect now and neither does she. She got him to stop, but why? What does she want from him? The moment of assertion leaves Marlena as she backtracks quickly, “Goodnight.” She can see his body language change, as does her own. The opportunity lost, but what was the opportunity exactly? He couldn’t stand there forever.
She watches him nod and slip through the door. She can hear his footsteps on the stairs and when they stop, she turns towards her bed. One foot moves as she grabs the bottom of her sweater and pulls it over her head. She lets it fall carelessly and unhooks her bra. Sliding it off her shoulders, she watches it fall to her sweater, as she unhooks her the buckle on her slacks and allows them to crumple with the rest. As she steps out of them, she pulls the jersey over her head. Breathing in the scent and sitting on her bed, she allows her legs to slip under the covers as she reaches down to pull off one sock- followed by the other. As she tosses them across the bed, she lets out a loud sigh and slumps against the headboard.
“We’re not married- my marriage to you and to Roman weren’t legal. I was never able to marry.”
John stares at his wife, as his mind desperately attempts to focus on the situation before him, “What-” The word barely comes out before he has to close his mouth and wet his lips, swallowing the shock that his senses are feeling.
“John- this shows that Alex and I-”
“Are married.” John interrupts easily and waves his hands in front of him to indicate his lack of interest in the words that she is saying, as well as the papers she is attempting to show him, “I understand the words- what I don’t understand is how you can say this so easily- so casually as if its no big deal. As if you believe it.”
His words cause Marlena to look up quickly from the papers in surprise, “Because its true.”
“How do you know its true? Cause a few printed pieces of paper say so? Want me to make some that says you were divorced too?” John begins to move over towards his laptop, ignoring her attempt to get his attention, “Just give me a few moments.”
Having been ignored twice, Marlena says his name a third time with more force, “John! Stop it. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous? Me? You are the one telling me that our marriages never happened and doing is so effortlessly that if I didn’t know you any better, I would be led to believe that you have no heart or soul. This is your life here, Doc.”
“That I don’t remember!”
Moving towards her, “Then stop messing with it!”
Under normal circumstances his phrase and tone of voice would have received him a hard slap across his face, but this Marlena is too in shock at the mixture of venom and desperation that filled each word. Her eyes snap up to meet his own angry ones and she can’t help but get lost in wonder at just how much he must care for her to seem this lost and this desperate all the time. Her voice is low, “How dare you.”
John’s cheek clenches as he attempts to keep his temper, “No, how dare you. How dare you screw up your life like this. You have no idea if this is what you want, but you are doing it anyways, so effortlessly. Hurting everybody, especially yourself.”
“I’m not trying to hurt anybody here John.”
“Then stop!” His arms swing out, as he takes a step back to indicate that she should just simply stop and step back, “Just stop and let your memory have time to work things out. If good old Dr. North is saying its harmful for us to keep pushing you to remember, well don’t you think its harmful to you as well to turn your life completely upside down? Just stop. Stop making such choices and decisions right now.”
Laughing slightly at him, Marlena moves away to place the paperwork down on the piano. “So I shouldn’t make any more decisions? Just sit here and do nothing for days, months, years?” Turning back on him, “Just sit and be quiet and hope one day it all comes back to me?”
“I said nothing about sitting and doing nothing.”
“You said stop making decisions.”
John lets out a frustrated grunt as he runs his hands through his hair and stares up at the ceiling. Taking in a deep breath, “Choose whether you want strawberries or grapefruit for breakfast, choose if you are going to go shopping or to a movie, choose what you want to watch on TV but don’t choose whether or not you’re married to somebody, don’t choose to move away and don’t choose to keep your kids at arms length.”
“John-” Emotions get the better of her as she becomes chocked up, “I can’t continue like this. You say you love me, Alex says that there has been no other woman for him and I can’t just be here- exist- like this.”
“Yes you can. We will all have to. Its what’s best.”
Marlena moves closer to him and wipes at a random tear, “I don’t know that. I don’t know that that is best. I can’t just sit and do nothing. I hate this feeling.”
“So you are just going to believe Dr. North and some random pieces of papers?”
“I have no reason not to trust Alex.”
“No reason? No reason, Doc?” He moves to grab her shoulders, but Marlena backs away from him. Closing his eyes, John puts his hands together and taps his fingertips on his lip as he attempts to break through her wall, “You have a reason. The fact that you can’t remember your life is reason enough to question him. To question me. To question everything. I understand what you are going through.”
“Do you really?” Wrapping her arms around herself, Marlena walks over to the window and looks out over the cold fall streets, “Cause I don’t know if I believe that. Believe that you really know what this is like.”
“I can’t remember my parents. I can’t remember my first bicycle. Whether or not I ever got stitches from falling out of a tree. I don’t know if I ice skated or played any sports. I love baseball so have always assumed I played that.” Marlena turns to watch John as he looks out around the room, “I can’t remember my first crush, my first dance, my first date, my first anything. I remember you, Doc.” He turns and attempts to hide his watery eyes from her, “I remember meeting you, falling in love with you, making love to you, raising the kids with you, losing you… all my memories include you. That’s why I am terrified here.” He moves towards the couch and randomly plays with the ends of the blanket, “Everyday of my life I can’t remember these things and I know they aren’t coming back. But yours, your memory wasn’t taken away by Stefano, its just hiding. So yes, yes, I understand how it feels when you can see an image but not make sense of it. Have feelings that don’t make sense. Not know who to trust or who you are. You helped me with all that.”
“How do you live not knowing your past?”
Smiling to himself, John answers quickly, “I have you.” He hears her quick intake of breath and turns towards her, “You’ve been there and you’ve helped me and believed in me and therefore, I have never needed anything more.”
“You have depended on me greatly then.”
A sad smile graces his lips, as a soft “Yes” slips through. “But I believe that you’ve depended just as much on me too. At least, you’ve never let on that I’m a burden.”
Reaching out to grab his hands, Marlena squeezes it lightly, “I’m sure that you never were to me.”
“Marlena, I just want to protect you.”
“I know you do. But Alex wouldn‘t hurt me.”
“No, you don’t understand.” He squeezes her hand again and turns slightly so that he is leaning against the side of the couch, “When I thought that I was Roman, I had his memories. I had a family and friends and a job. It was one of the most wonderful times in my life. I went from having nothing, to having it all. And then one day it was all taken away. I trusted in the information and the memories that I was having and they were all wrong. They weren’t mine and I lost everything that I had known for a second time. So selfishly, I’m scared shitless here because you are trying to take away everything I have known since that moment that I became John Black again. And I don’t think I could survive that. But-” He stops her interruption with a look, “But more importantly, I don’t want that to happen to you. Just because you feel things and see images that lead you in a direction, it might not be true. I had Roman’s memories, but they were never mine to have. And I don’t want that type of hurt, betrayal and lost to ever happen to you. So Doc, please think this through. Give yourself time.”
Marlena nods as she wipes away the falling tears. Trying to take in a deep breath, she buries her face in her hands and allows a soft sob to escape her lips. “Oh God…”
Wrapping his arms around her, John strokes her hair and whispers, “It will be alright. We’ll figure it out. We always have.”
“I don’t know.” Pushing back away from him, “I don’t know anything. But John, if those papers are real and its true that Alex and I are married, then I owe it to myself to learn about that lifetime- about what I forgot.”
“And pretend the last twenty years with me never existed?” The hurt and pain in his eyes is evident, but she truly believes that some of that is for her and that he is feeling her pain and her confusion, “Your life with Roman? You have no memories so shouldn’t you be concerned about remembering it all- not just the Dr. North saga?”
“No- yes. I don’t know!”
Seemingly out of the shadows, Alex North appears and states, “I think that this is enough for one day. We all have a lot to think about, don’t we? And Marlena should get some sleep.”
John doesn’t even bother to turn towards the intruder, just closes his eyes and rubs his temple, “Marlena is a grown woman and can make her own bedtime decisions.” Silence fills the room like a heavy fog, as the next move in unknown. The intentions, the wants, the needs hang in the space between them and nobody knows who will make the first move- the first attack. Shaking the fog from his brain, John looks up at Marlena and sees that her expression mirrors his own pained look. Reaching up, he wipes off the side of her cheek and nods at an unasked question, “Okay, I’ll be at the Salem Inn- you can get a hold of me there Doc, or just call my cell. The number is in your-”
He stops as he sees her nod of understanding, “My cell and in the address book.” Smiling slightly, “I know.”
“Okay, I’m-” Pointing towards the staircase, “I’m just going to go grab some more clothes if you don’t mind.”
Marlena shakes her head ’no,’ as she wraps her arms tightly around herself, “No, not at all. I don’t mind.”
She watches him move hesitantly towards the stairs and then quickly climb them two by two. A hand covers her mouth as she forces the emotions back down. “I don’t know what to do.”
Alex says nohing, but watches her closely as she walks towards the patio doors. She puts her hands up to the cold glass and stares out at the cold night. No longer having the strength to hold up her head, she leans her forehead against the glass and takes in a deep breath, “It looks so empty out there. Cold. I feel that way too. John looks that way.” She seems to be voicing only a portion of her conversation as she notices the small raindrops starting to fall, “Cold and dark. I don’t like the dark very much.”
“Marlena, let me make you some tea.”
“No thank you. I don’t want any.”
“Then perhaps some toast and milk?”
She can’t help the disgusted look that reflects off the glass back at him, “No.”
“Some water, perhaps?”
Her answer comes out slightly harsher than she meant it, “No. I don’t want anything to eat or to drink.”
“Then its probably time for you to head up and get some rest.”
Marlena’s back stiffens and she isn’t sure if its his words or the coldness upon her forehead, but she straightens up, pulls her arms tighter around her body and begins to move away from the glass. She doesn’t answer him nor does she look in his direction as she moves silently to the staircase and begins to walk slowly up the steps. Her eyes never leave the hallway above her, as she completes her journey and moves towards her door. She pauses at the door and her brow creases in curiosity at the silence coming from behind the wooden door.
A hand moves towards the door but instead ends up nervously pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear. The other hand moves to attempt a knock on the door, but stops short. Marlena closes her eyes and attempts to laugh at herself. Her left hand rests softly on the door, as her eyes come to rest on the doorknob. Quickly, she turns the handle and opens the door- jumping with John at the abruptness of her actions. Her nose scrunches up in embarrassment as she looks anywhere but at him, “Sorry.”
John smiles knowingly, but when he sees her look over at him, he clears his throat and apologizes, “Sorry, I-” John stands up holding a shirt, but his eyes move from her to the laundry basket on the bed, “I was just looking for my blue button-down with the green-” Gesturing to his own shirt, “green thing above the pocket.”
“An eagle.”
“Excuse me?”
“I think its an eagle.” She clears the tightness in her throat and moves over towards the bed. Running her finger along the side of the basket, Marlena finishes her thought, “And I think its still in the laundry room.” Her eyes meet his and a slight blush darkens her cheeks, “I hadn’t ironed it yet.”
“Oh- um- thanks.”
“Sorry-” At John’s questioning look she continues, “I didn’t know where to put those- the drawers are a little- different.”
“You always said they were unnecessarily illogical.” He chuckles at her expression and tosses the shirt into his bag, “It makes sense to me.”
Her mouth opens but a nod is her reply. The tension continues to be unnerving, “Do you need any-” Her eyes look up and meet his and her question stops. Once again she is amazed at how easily she can get lost in his dark eyes. There is something so familiar about them and she fights off the urge to reach up and run her fingers along his cheek to smooth out the tension in his jaw.
“Help? No. Almost done and then I’ll be out of your way.” Reaching in, he tosses a couple more shirts carelessly into the duffle bag, before reaching down for the final shirt. As his fingers touch it, he stops and simply stares down at it for a moment. Marlena’s eyes quickly look down at the item but then return to his face, watching the expressions and emotions run wildly across his face. She can almost see the memories, the good times and the seemingly deep pain that he is remembering. Feeling her eyes on him, John sets his jaw in an attempt to keep his emotions at bay and lifts the shirt up to look at it. “Eric’s t-ball team. That was a great season. They went to regionals- everybody came. Was a great weekend.” He laughs but the emotion in his voice catches, “Sami was so mad. I had them both on my team the year before- and on the same teams for soccer and basketball- but Sami wanted her own team. Both teams we undefeated going into the end of the season.” The pride in his voice is evident as he looks up at her, “Just like a Lifetime movie, brother against sister and they played their hearts out. And when we beat her- man, she was so mad.” He laughs and his smile grows a little bigger when his wife joins in, “She didn’t talk to me for a week.” He tosses the laundry basket back into the corner of the room and moves back over to Marlena, “This is yours.”
“Mine?”
“Yeah, you borrowed it once when you stayed over at the loft and- well I never got it back again.” His smile quickly turns bittersweet as he adds softly, “You liked to wear it when I wasn’t home- Belle class its your alone and moody shirt.”
Taking it slowly from him, Marlena studies the object before her. A soft word slips through her lips, “Safe.”
“What was that?”
Marlena watches John move away from her to grab his duffle bag, “Made me feel safe. Its why I wore it. Reminded me of you.” He simply nods and she knows that she once must have told him the exact same thing, but he does not press her any further about it and she is grateful. Holding the shirt open before her, she looks at the front logo declaring ‘Beatty’s Hardware” and smiles softly at the back with ‘coach’ written in bold red letters with faded child names and short comments all over it. She can’t help giggle out, “You totally rule, huh?”
Cocking an eyebrow at her, “Most definitely do.” Laughing with her, “To six year olds that is. One of the best times in my life- watching those kids grow up. Had the same group for three seasons.”
Tears begin to slide out from underneath her eyelids as her mouth moves silently to the words on the shirt. Words written so many years ago by small children whose dreams must have been so large and today are fully grown and embarking into the real word. This man helped shape their early years and from the comments made, she knew he did an incredible job. John stays silent and simply watches his wife’s reactions, as the emotions in her eyes shift with each new comment and finally a bittersweet smile graces her lips as she reads, “Daddy, you are the best coach I have ever had. I love you.”
“At that time I had been his only coach but-” He cuts off as she admonishes him and informs him that the little boy meant every word of it. John is about to leave the conversation there, but instead adds gently, “That has always been your favourite quote. That and Andy’s ’Try not to get so much dirt on your butt next year coach.’ I always managed to have a dirty ass no matter what I did.”
Pulling the shirt close to her chest, “So- did you? Keep a clean ass that is?”
“I-um-” He shrugs and busies himself with zipping up his duffle and putting it back down on the ground.
Marlena leans over to catch his gaze and stands back up with him, “John?”
“No. No- I didn’t get the chance.”
“Why not?”
“Roman,” He clears his throat and looks away, “You came back- then we found Roman and by the next season I was no longer a father of t-ball stars.”
Marlena leans to her right, in an attempt to get John to look at her again, but he turns further away. Moving towards him, she stops right behind his back and can’t stop her hand from gently touching his arm, “So Roman took over?”
“No- that was one part of my life he didn’t take over.” A bitter laugh fills the room as he runs a rough hand through his hair, “It didn’t matter anyways- the twinners quit baseball and soccer.”
“They quit?”
“Yeah, anyways-” Turning and flashing a smile at her, “Its late and I should let you rest. So I’ll go.” John’s voice is quiet as he moves to pick back up his duffle bag and moves towards the door.
“John-wait.” He stops and closes his eyes, praying slightly that she will just let him go. “Did we ever talk- I mean did we ever really talk about what that did to you? You losing everything- the twins quitting baseball? Did we ever really talk.”
“Doc, it really doesn’t matter anymore. Now you need to rest.”
She grabs his arm before he can disappear, “I would like an answer.”
Marlena takes in a deep breath when she sees the obvious pain in his eyes, “No, not really. We did a lot of excepting without dealing back then and the Roman left and life moved on. By the time we got together it didn’t really matter much.”
“But didn’t Roman return again?”
“Yes.”
“And we still didn’t talk about it?”
His jaw clenches tight again, “No. We’ve never talked about it, okay?”
“No.” A tear slides down her cheek and hangs at her chin, “No its not okay because that’s obviously a very painful thing for you- even today. A painful part of the past that haunts you. Perhaps this memory loss will help us.”
“What do you mean Marlena?”
“I now understand better and when I get my memories back, then we will have that conversation. I think that is something that is long overdo for the both of us. Things that need to be said on both parts.”
“Don’t concern yourself with it. Just get some rest.” Moving back to the door, he lets out a soft, “Goodnight Marlena.”
She watches him go and feels the need to stop him. The need to keep him hear and before she can rationalize it, she lets out, “John.”
He stops but doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t know what top aspect now and neither does she. She got him to stop, but why? What does she want from him? The moment of assertion leaves Marlena as she backtracks quickly, “Goodnight.” She can see his body language change, as does her own. The opportunity lost, but what was the opportunity exactly? He couldn’t stand there forever.
She watches him nod and slip through the door. She can hear his footsteps on the stairs and when they stop, she turns towards her bed. One foot moves as she grabs the bottom of her sweater and pulls it over her head. She lets it fall carelessly and unhooks her bra. Sliding it off her shoulders, she watches it fall to her sweater, as she unhooks her the buckle on her slacks and allows them to crumple with the rest. As she steps out of them, she pulls the jersey over her head. Breathing in the scent and sitting on her bed, she allows her legs to slip under the covers as she reaches down to pull off one sock- followed by the other. As she tosses them across the bed, she lets out a loud sigh and slumps against the headboard.