Post by kris1907 on Aug 22, 2006 16:07:20 GMT -5
Sanity of Secrets
Chapter 1
“Dad- I’ve messed everything up. Shawn and Phillip hate me-” Rolling her eyes at herself, “As they should but I don’t know what to do. Everything is just so wrong right now and I can’t figure out how to put it right.”
John’s heart breaks as his little girl begins to gear up for another round of berating herself, for something that she had no control over, “Izzy B- they love you. They both do. That’s the problem and you did what you thought was right. What you thought was best. Nobody can hate you for that.”
Her hand comes up to wipe away a strand of tears that fall down her cheek. John’s heart skips a beat at the familiar image. So much like her mother, he can’t help but remember a time when Marlena was in a similar situation. His heart broke then to watch Marlena be torn apart and it does the same for his little girl as she forces out, “I didn’t know she was Shawn’s- honest – I didn’t know.”
“Belle-“ Both turn at the voice and see Marlena moving towards them, “Of course you didn’t know. Nobody is blaming you-“
“Everybody is! Everybody already has blamed me and they should. Shawn blames me. Philip. Kate. Mimi. And soon everybody else will to. They are saying I did this on purpose. But why would I hurt them?”
“You love them both.” Marlena smiles softly at her daughter and moves towards her as she attempts to explain, “You love them both so no, you didn’t do it on purpose. Your daddy is right, you did what you thought was best. Tests were done and something went wrong, so how were you to know? You did what you thought best so don’t listen to Kate or to Mimi. They are mad and they will get over it. Things will work out.”
“Your mom is right. There were other people trying to keep the information from getting out, that’s not your fault. And Shawn knows that you would never keep this from him if you had known. He isn’t mad- trust me. If anything, he might be hopeful.”
“Hopeful? Dad, how can you say that? I married Philip. I kept his daughter from him for so long. All that time in the hospital, praying together for Claire to be okay and we never knew. He never knew. He’s planning a life with Mimi and now he suddenly has a daughter. And Philip… he’s just so angry right now. So hurt and I don’t know how to make it okay. How to apologize.”
“Belle, you need to calm down, okay?” Marlena takes her daughter’s shoulders and forces Belle to focus on her, “Everything has a way of working itself out right now. You will know who the right man is for you and for Claire because it’s the man who will stand beside you through all of this. Yes, there is hurt and yes there will be a lot of anger, but if they truly love you, deep down inside, they will stand beside you and help you through this.”
“You should have seen Philip’s face. The way he looked at me when he found out.” Belle is searching her parents’ faces for answers, “He couldn’t even look me in the eye! He practically hates me and I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know what to do.” Her blue eyes meet her father’s and for a moment she feels that there is some sort of hope, “Dad, you understand, perhaps you can talk to him.” Her plea is soft as she touches upon a part of his life that he rarely mentions.
John closes his eyes in an attempt to shield himself from the desperation that his little girl is feeling. Opening his eyes, he sees an emotion within Marlena’s eyes that he just cannot register. She smiles softly at him and reaches out a comforting hand towards him, but he simply stares as confusion overtakes him. Not looking away at first, “I… I…” He swallows and forces himself to focus on Belle, as he attempts to push all the messy feelings back down inside of him. “Sweetheart- I don’t know if I’m the right man-“
“Dad, Philip respects you and through no fault of his own, he thinks that he is losing his daughter and I don’t know what to say to him.”
Marlena’s voice interrupts the tense moment and John has never been so thankful in his life, “Is he losing Claire? Is that what you have decided?”
“I don’t seem to be deciding anything. It’s my fault; I can’t exactly dictate terms now, can I? Philip is just so hurt and so angry, I can’t even get in the room to speak to him. I tried and he leaves. I don’t know what to do.” Rolling her eyes at her pitiful tone, “I seem to be repeating myself but…”
“I understand. We both do. But you need to decide what you want too, Belle. You can’t let Shawn and Philip be the only voice in all of this. You have to decide if you are going to fight to save your marriage or not.”
“There doesn’t seem to be much hope there.”
“Belle, your mother is right. You have to make a decision. You have to figure out what you want in life- for you and for Claire.”
Belle turns away from her parents and John and Marlena share a helpless look. This discussion is a painful one and he hates to see him daughter in so much pain, but nobody can truly help her but herself. But as he watches his wife, he can’t help but send up another hopeless prayer that she receives back her memory. A part of him is even curious what his Marlena would be handing out for advice right now.
As the thought filters through his mind, his eyes go wide as he hears Marlena speak softly to their daughter, “This is the true test and the only advice I can give you is to follow your heart and not your head. Everything seems wrong right now and everything seems hopeless, but its not. You need to figure out what is the best for you and what is the best for that beautiful baby of yours. Doing what you think is right or best, may not be the correct choice so think about this carefully.”
“Sounds like you are speaking from experience there Doc.”
Marlena turns and can’t help the gentle smile that crosses her lips, “I just might be.”
“But dad, you’ll speak to Philip for me? You’ll try?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closes his eyes and shakes his head, “I can’t Belle. I can’t help you there, but if you… but… I mean I can help if you…”
“Dad,” Belle puts a gentle hand on her father’s arm and searches his face, “I’m not a little girl anymore. Say what you are thinking. It won’t hurt me and it might just help.”
A smile takes over his features as he pulls her into his arms, “There was a time when I could just hug and tickle away your pain. A hug and a good fairytale was the key to everything bad.” Pulling back slightly, but holding onto her face, “I can’t help Philip because I was never in his place.”
“You were too. When Roman came back and took Sami and Eric and Carrie away from you.”
The pain flashes through his eyes, but he tries to just nod it away, “Okay. You win there. But I was also the man who had an affair with your mother and tried to get her to leave Roman. I don’t know what to say to Philip. Shawn however, I would have something to say.”
The look in Belle’s eyes is curious but before she can say anything, Marlena steps in, “This is what I was talking about Belle. You need to decide. This is similar to what happened to your daddy and I. I made a choice, a made a couple of choices that were very hard and in ways they were the wrong choices. Tell Shawn exactly how you feel. Whether you are in love with him or not, lay it out there for the both of you and then decide what happens next. You need to be honest with everybody. I fought it and I hurt a lot of people, including myself for a long time. But your daddy and I worked it out. Probably shouldn’t have taken quite so long.” Kissing her daughter’s cheek, Marlena smiles an encouraging smile, “I know you can do it. You are strong so decide what you truly want- deep down- and go for it. Try for it because until you try, you will always live what the ‘what ifs’ and you will never be able to forgive yourself.”
John moves to rub the sides of his daughter’s arms and rests his chin on her head. His eyes meet Marlena’s over for a moment before he moves to kiss Belle’s hair, “That’s good advice. Be honest with yourself- completely honest. And when you make a choice, go for it. Perhaps it won’t work out, but its better to know for sure than to spend years in limbo. Learn from your parents. Learn from our mistakes.”
The young woman leans back into her father’s embrace for a moment before saying a soft ‘thank you’ and moving forward into her mother’s arms. A fresh wave of tears begin to fall to mirror Marlena’s, as Belle whispers, “I’ll try.”
“Oh baby girl- everything will be okay.”
Burying her face in her mother’s shoulder, “Sometimes I just don’t know.”
“I know, so just trust me. And trust your daddy.”
Belle nods and pulls back, wiping her eyes and nose. “Thank you mom-dad. I love you both.”
“And we love you.”
“That’s a fact. And we’re here for you, no matter what.”
“I should-“ She points towards the door, “get going. I promised-“
“Go.”
Both parents watch her walk the short distance out of the office and towards the door. “She’s been through so much.”
“But she’s strong and stubborn- just like her mother.”
Marlena smiles and looks down at the tiles on this floor, “I should get going as well. Thank you for lunch and for helping me help her.”
“She’s our little girl.” John watches Marlena closely. His gaze is curious and when Marlena meets his eyes, she quickly looks away and begins to move. Her ‘We’ll talk soon’ is hurried, as is her movements. John rubs the back of his neck as he watches her go. Finally he groans in confusion and begins to walk after her. Breaking into a jog, in order to catch up to her, he attempts not to make a scene as he calls out, “Doc- wait.” She slows as she reaches the door, but continues outside and down the street. Shaking his head, he jogs out the door and moves down the street.
“Doc- come on wait up.” Again she slows as he touches her arm to turn her around. They stare at each other and neither makes the first attempt to speak. John continues to search for something but is having a hard time getting Marlena to look at him. Gently guiding her over to a corner of Salem Place, John pleads, “Marlena… look at me.” Their eyes meet and Marlena remains silent. It is then the expression on John’s face changes, as he finally puts together what it is he has been searching for. The blood seems to drain from his face and he closes his eyes briefly as he asks, “When were you going to tell me?”
“John, I-“
“When?”
Seemingly defeated, “Soon- I didn’t know how.”
He steps back as emotions take over. It should be a happy moment but hurt, bitterness, and betrayal seem to take him over. “A simple sentence would-“ He cuts off his own bitter statement, “Sorry-just- why? I’ve thought about this moment for so long and… why?”
“You don’t think that I haven’t?”
“Then why?”
“John- could we talk somewhere else?”
She seems almost desperate to escape, yet at the same time doesn’t want to leave. “We can, after you tell me why.”
“Not here. Please.”
The feelings inside him keep flipping as the rage comes and goes. He doesn’t understand what is happening before him and that makes him uncomfortable. He’s scared that what he has been thinking all along will truly happen, he will actually lose her in the end, no matter what. “Not here? Not now? Why- what- God damnit Doc. Its like you didn’t want me to find out. Didn’t want me to know.” Their eyes meet and the truth of his statement turns his blood cold, “Doc- I can’t believe this. You didn’t want me to know. I… I can’t win.” Closing his eyes, he turns from her, “What, having too much fun? Liking your new life so much better? Less stressful this way?”
Tears fall as she shakes her head. John moves away from her, almost like he is giving up. “John-“
He stops but does not turn back around, “Then tell me why.”
“Because I didn’t know how to face you yet.”
“Face me?”
Her voice is soft and unsure and he can feel that she is right behind him, “Yes.”
“Cause you liked your new life?”
“No!” Grabbing onto his arm, Marlena turns him back around, “No! That’s not why at all.”
“Then tell me why, please. I need to understand why you wouldn’t come running to me and tell me. Why were you hiding this? Something everybody has been waiting for, what I have been waiting for.”
“I wasn’t hiding. I was just- I just- I couldn’t”
The words seem to be caught in her throat and any other time, John would have taken pity on her, but not this time. Not when he is so close to finding some answers, “Couldn’t what Doc?” He stares straight at her, so she can see all the pain and sorrow in his features, “Please.”
Her voice catches and between sobs, she chokes out, “I couldn’t face you.”
“Face me? Why? What did I do?”
She shakes her head as the tears continue to flow, “Not- not you.” She takes in a deep breath and John gives her a moment to find her words. She practically whispers, “After everything that I’ve done.”
Her words are too quiet for him to make out and the pain filters into his eyes as tears begin to fall, “Marlena, I need you to tell me. Please. I need to know.” He grips her shoulders and stares down into her hazel eyes, “Tell me why. Make me understand.” She stays quiet and looks back down at the sidewalk. “Damnit Marlena! Help me here.”
“I couldn’t look you in the eye! I didn’t know what to say and I wasn’t ready.” The outburst seems to surprise her as her eyes fly up to meet his troubled blue ones, “There-that’s the truth. I wasn’t ready or strong enough yet to deal with everything that has happened. Everything that I have done.” She wipes her eyes and turns her back to him, “There is just so much. So much to deal with.”
“So you decided to just keep quiet? To pretend?”
There is silence but then a strong voice fills their conversation, “Yes.” She turns back, “Yes, I did. And I am sorry but as soon as I admitted that my memory is back, then I would have to deal with the island and begin pregnant and losing the baby and kicking you out of our home and allowing Alex into our life and-“ Her facial features melt as she looks up at him with a love that he had not seen in almost a year, “Being so cruel to you. Not loving you and pulling away from you. Making you deal with all of this and always making it seem like it was your fault, because it wasn’t. None of this was your fault, John.”
“Of course it is. Some of this is. I couldn’t help you and I didn’t help-“ Holding up his hands, he stops.
She moves towards him and caresses his cheek, “There is just such a mess because of me. So much hurt because of what I have done and I just didn’t want to deal with it yet. I wanted… I want.” His cold expression causes her to stop, but she gathers up some strands of strength to continue. “I wanted to try to fix some of this before I let people know. I didn’t want you to hate me and I didn’t want you to think- I don’t know what I wanted or what I was thinking!” Her emotions are running the gamut and she can’t seem to control her tears, her anger and her nervous feelings. “I got my memory back just a little while ago, John. Not long. Just, I needed to sort myself out and figure out all the damage I have caused before throwing everybody’s life back into hell. I’ve caused so much pain to everybody that I love and I don’t even know why any of this happened! I don’t know why! And I just couldn’t deal with it. I’m just not that strong-“
Her rant continues until finally John pulls her into his strong embrace and rocks her, as they both cry out all of their fears, frustration and pain. Soothing her hair, “Shh… okay… its going to be okay Doc… everything is just going to be fine…” He buries his nose into her neck and breaths in her scent and her warmth. The two stand there rocking each other as their tears continue to flow onto each other’s coats and the pain starts to melt away.
Chapter 1
“Dad- I’ve messed everything up. Shawn and Phillip hate me-” Rolling her eyes at herself, “As they should but I don’t know what to do. Everything is just so wrong right now and I can’t figure out how to put it right.”
John’s heart breaks as his little girl begins to gear up for another round of berating herself, for something that she had no control over, “Izzy B- they love you. They both do. That’s the problem and you did what you thought was right. What you thought was best. Nobody can hate you for that.”
Her hand comes up to wipe away a strand of tears that fall down her cheek. John’s heart skips a beat at the familiar image. So much like her mother, he can’t help but remember a time when Marlena was in a similar situation. His heart broke then to watch Marlena be torn apart and it does the same for his little girl as she forces out, “I didn’t know she was Shawn’s- honest – I didn’t know.”
“Belle-“ Both turn at the voice and see Marlena moving towards them, “Of course you didn’t know. Nobody is blaming you-“
“Everybody is! Everybody already has blamed me and they should. Shawn blames me. Philip. Kate. Mimi. And soon everybody else will to. They are saying I did this on purpose. But why would I hurt them?”
“You love them both.” Marlena smiles softly at her daughter and moves towards her as she attempts to explain, “You love them both so no, you didn’t do it on purpose. Your daddy is right, you did what you thought was best. Tests were done and something went wrong, so how were you to know? You did what you thought best so don’t listen to Kate or to Mimi. They are mad and they will get over it. Things will work out.”
“Your mom is right. There were other people trying to keep the information from getting out, that’s not your fault. And Shawn knows that you would never keep this from him if you had known. He isn’t mad- trust me. If anything, he might be hopeful.”
“Hopeful? Dad, how can you say that? I married Philip. I kept his daughter from him for so long. All that time in the hospital, praying together for Claire to be okay and we never knew. He never knew. He’s planning a life with Mimi and now he suddenly has a daughter. And Philip… he’s just so angry right now. So hurt and I don’t know how to make it okay. How to apologize.”
“Belle, you need to calm down, okay?” Marlena takes her daughter’s shoulders and forces Belle to focus on her, “Everything has a way of working itself out right now. You will know who the right man is for you and for Claire because it’s the man who will stand beside you through all of this. Yes, there is hurt and yes there will be a lot of anger, but if they truly love you, deep down inside, they will stand beside you and help you through this.”
“You should have seen Philip’s face. The way he looked at me when he found out.” Belle is searching her parents’ faces for answers, “He couldn’t even look me in the eye! He practically hates me and I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know what to do.” Her blue eyes meet her father’s and for a moment she feels that there is some sort of hope, “Dad, you understand, perhaps you can talk to him.” Her plea is soft as she touches upon a part of his life that he rarely mentions.
John closes his eyes in an attempt to shield himself from the desperation that his little girl is feeling. Opening his eyes, he sees an emotion within Marlena’s eyes that he just cannot register. She smiles softly at him and reaches out a comforting hand towards him, but he simply stares as confusion overtakes him. Not looking away at first, “I… I…” He swallows and forces himself to focus on Belle, as he attempts to push all the messy feelings back down inside of him. “Sweetheart- I don’t know if I’m the right man-“
“Dad, Philip respects you and through no fault of his own, he thinks that he is losing his daughter and I don’t know what to say to him.”
Marlena’s voice interrupts the tense moment and John has never been so thankful in his life, “Is he losing Claire? Is that what you have decided?”
“I don’t seem to be deciding anything. It’s my fault; I can’t exactly dictate terms now, can I? Philip is just so hurt and so angry, I can’t even get in the room to speak to him. I tried and he leaves. I don’t know what to do.” Rolling her eyes at her pitiful tone, “I seem to be repeating myself but…”
“I understand. We both do. But you need to decide what you want too, Belle. You can’t let Shawn and Philip be the only voice in all of this. You have to decide if you are going to fight to save your marriage or not.”
“There doesn’t seem to be much hope there.”
“Belle, your mother is right. You have to make a decision. You have to figure out what you want in life- for you and for Claire.”
Belle turns away from her parents and John and Marlena share a helpless look. This discussion is a painful one and he hates to see him daughter in so much pain, but nobody can truly help her but herself. But as he watches his wife, he can’t help but send up another hopeless prayer that she receives back her memory. A part of him is even curious what his Marlena would be handing out for advice right now.
As the thought filters through his mind, his eyes go wide as he hears Marlena speak softly to their daughter, “This is the true test and the only advice I can give you is to follow your heart and not your head. Everything seems wrong right now and everything seems hopeless, but its not. You need to figure out what is the best for you and what is the best for that beautiful baby of yours. Doing what you think is right or best, may not be the correct choice so think about this carefully.”
“Sounds like you are speaking from experience there Doc.”
Marlena turns and can’t help the gentle smile that crosses her lips, “I just might be.”
“But dad, you’ll speak to Philip for me? You’ll try?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closes his eyes and shakes his head, “I can’t Belle. I can’t help you there, but if you… but… I mean I can help if you…”
“Dad,” Belle puts a gentle hand on her father’s arm and searches his face, “I’m not a little girl anymore. Say what you are thinking. It won’t hurt me and it might just help.”
A smile takes over his features as he pulls her into his arms, “There was a time when I could just hug and tickle away your pain. A hug and a good fairytale was the key to everything bad.” Pulling back slightly, but holding onto her face, “I can’t help Philip because I was never in his place.”
“You were too. When Roman came back and took Sami and Eric and Carrie away from you.”
The pain flashes through his eyes, but he tries to just nod it away, “Okay. You win there. But I was also the man who had an affair with your mother and tried to get her to leave Roman. I don’t know what to say to Philip. Shawn however, I would have something to say.”
The look in Belle’s eyes is curious but before she can say anything, Marlena steps in, “This is what I was talking about Belle. You need to decide. This is similar to what happened to your daddy and I. I made a choice, a made a couple of choices that were very hard and in ways they were the wrong choices. Tell Shawn exactly how you feel. Whether you are in love with him or not, lay it out there for the both of you and then decide what happens next. You need to be honest with everybody. I fought it and I hurt a lot of people, including myself for a long time. But your daddy and I worked it out. Probably shouldn’t have taken quite so long.” Kissing her daughter’s cheek, Marlena smiles an encouraging smile, “I know you can do it. You are strong so decide what you truly want- deep down- and go for it. Try for it because until you try, you will always live what the ‘what ifs’ and you will never be able to forgive yourself.”
John moves to rub the sides of his daughter’s arms and rests his chin on her head. His eyes meet Marlena’s over for a moment before he moves to kiss Belle’s hair, “That’s good advice. Be honest with yourself- completely honest. And when you make a choice, go for it. Perhaps it won’t work out, but its better to know for sure than to spend years in limbo. Learn from your parents. Learn from our mistakes.”
The young woman leans back into her father’s embrace for a moment before saying a soft ‘thank you’ and moving forward into her mother’s arms. A fresh wave of tears begin to fall to mirror Marlena’s, as Belle whispers, “I’ll try.”
“Oh baby girl- everything will be okay.”
Burying her face in her mother’s shoulder, “Sometimes I just don’t know.”
“I know, so just trust me. And trust your daddy.”
Belle nods and pulls back, wiping her eyes and nose. “Thank you mom-dad. I love you both.”
“And we love you.”
“That’s a fact. And we’re here for you, no matter what.”
“I should-“ She points towards the door, “get going. I promised-“
“Go.”
Both parents watch her walk the short distance out of the office and towards the door. “She’s been through so much.”
“But she’s strong and stubborn- just like her mother.”
Marlena smiles and looks down at the tiles on this floor, “I should get going as well. Thank you for lunch and for helping me help her.”
“She’s our little girl.” John watches Marlena closely. His gaze is curious and when Marlena meets his eyes, she quickly looks away and begins to move. Her ‘We’ll talk soon’ is hurried, as is her movements. John rubs the back of his neck as he watches her go. Finally he groans in confusion and begins to walk after her. Breaking into a jog, in order to catch up to her, he attempts not to make a scene as he calls out, “Doc- wait.” She slows as she reaches the door, but continues outside and down the street. Shaking his head, he jogs out the door and moves down the street.
“Doc- come on wait up.” Again she slows as he touches her arm to turn her around. They stare at each other and neither makes the first attempt to speak. John continues to search for something but is having a hard time getting Marlena to look at him. Gently guiding her over to a corner of Salem Place, John pleads, “Marlena… look at me.” Their eyes meet and Marlena remains silent. It is then the expression on John’s face changes, as he finally puts together what it is he has been searching for. The blood seems to drain from his face and he closes his eyes briefly as he asks, “When were you going to tell me?”
“John, I-“
“When?”
Seemingly defeated, “Soon- I didn’t know how.”
He steps back as emotions take over. It should be a happy moment but hurt, bitterness, and betrayal seem to take him over. “A simple sentence would-“ He cuts off his own bitter statement, “Sorry-just- why? I’ve thought about this moment for so long and… why?”
“You don’t think that I haven’t?”
“Then why?”
“John- could we talk somewhere else?”
She seems almost desperate to escape, yet at the same time doesn’t want to leave. “We can, after you tell me why.”
“Not here. Please.”
The feelings inside him keep flipping as the rage comes and goes. He doesn’t understand what is happening before him and that makes him uncomfortable. He’s scared that what he has been thinking all along will truly happen, he will actually lose her in the end, no matter what. “Not here? Not now? Why- what- God damnit Doc. Its like you didn’t want me to find out. Didn’t want me to know.” Their eyes meet and the truth of his statement turns his blood cold, “Doc- I can’t believe this. You didn’t want me to know. I… I can’t win.” Closing his eyes, he turns from her, “What, having too much fun? Liking your new life so much better? Less stressful this way?”
Tears fall as she shakes her head. John moves away from her, almost like he is giving up. “John-“
He stops but does not turn back around, “Then tell me why.”
“Because I didn’t know how to face you yet.”
“Face me?”
Her voice is soft and unsure and he can feel that she is right behind him, “Yes.”
“Cause you liked your new life?”
“No!” Grabbing onto his arm, Marlena turns him back around, “No! That’s not why at all.”
“Then tell me why, please. I need to understand why you wouldn’t come running to me and tell me. Why were you hiding this? Something everybody has been waiting for, what I have been waiting for.”
“I wasn’t hiding. I was just- I just- I couldn’t”
The words seem to be caught in her throat and any other time, John would have taken pity on her, but not this time. Not when he is so close to finding some answers, “Couldn’t what Doc?” He stares straight at her, so she can see all the pain and sorrow in his features, “Please.”
Her voice catches and between sobs, she chokes out, “I couldn’t face you.”
“Face me? Why? What did I do?”
She shakes her head as the tears continue to flow, “Not- not you.” She takes in a deep breath and John gives her a moment to find her words. She practically whispers, “After everything that I’ve done.”
Her words are too quiet for him to make out and the pain filters into his eyes as tears begin to fall, “Marlena, I need you to tell me. Please. I need to know.” He grips her shoulders and stares down into her hazel eyes, “Tell me why. Make me understand.” She stays quiet and looks back down at the sidewalk. “Damnit Marlena! Help me here.”
“I couldn’t look you in the eye! I didn’t know what to say and I wasn’t ready.” The outburst seems to surprise her as her eyes fly up to meet his troubled blue ones, “There-that’s the truth. I wasn’t ready or strong enough yet to deal with everything that has happened. Everything that I have done.” She wipes her eyes and turns her back to him, “There is just so much. So much to deal with.”
“So you decided to just keep quiet? To pretend?”
There is silence but then a strong voice fills their conversation, “Yes.” She turns back, “Yes, I did. And I am sorry but as soon as I admitted that my memory is back, then I would have to deal with the island and begin pregnant and losing the baby and kicking you out of our home and allowing Alex into our life and-“ Her facial features melt as she looks up at him with a love that he had not seen in almost a year, “Being so cruel to you. Not loving you and pulling away from you. Making you deal with all of this and always making it seem like it was your fault, because it wasn’t. None of this was your fault, John.”
“Of course it is. Some of this is. I couldn’t help you and I didn’t help-“ Holding up his hands, he stops.
She moves towards him and caresses his cheek, “There is just such a mess because of me. So much hurt because of what I have done and I just didn’t want to deal with it yet. I wanted… I want.” His cold expression causes her to stop, but she gathers up some strands of strength to continue. “I wanted to try to fix some of this before I let people know. I didn’t want you to hate me and I didn’t want you to think- I don’t know what I wanted or what I was thinking!” Her emotions are running the gamut and she can’t seem to control her tears, her anger and her nervous feelings. “I got my memory back just a little while ago, John. Not long. Just, I needed to sort myself out and figure out all the damage I have caused before throwing everybody’s life back into hell. I’ve caused so much pain to everybody that I love and I don’t even know why any of this happened! I don’t know why! And I just couldn’t deal with it. I’m just not that strong-“
Her rant continues until finally John pulls her into his strong embrace and rocks her, as they both cry out all of their fears, frustration and pain. Soothing her hair, “Shh… okay… its going to be okay Doc… everything is just going to be fine…” He buries his nose into her neck and breaths in her scent and her warmth. The two stand there rocking each other as their tears continue to flow onto each other’s coats and the pain starts to melt away.