Chapter 23

[Mimi]

“Mar, I know this is difficult for you,” Roman said as he moved away from Marlena, wanting to give her some physical space. “You have no idea,” Marlena said as she stared at her beer bottle, unable to look Roman in the eyes. “You must think that I’m an emotional and mental wreck.” “I’d never think that… When I look at you I see a strong woman, a woman who has had to bear more than her share of pain and heartache and always manages to come out on top.” “I don’t feel like that woman,” Marlena said as a stray tear slowly made its way down her pale cheek. She grabbed the blanket and covered herself with it. “I feel like my life is spinning out of control and that there is nothing I can do to stop it…. I just want the pain to end Roman… I just want a normal life… I want to be able to sleep in my bed and wake up in the morning and make breakfast for my husband without having to worry about whose coming for us and or what crisis is around the corner…” “That’s life Marlena… that’s living… If we knew what was around the corner, what kind of life would it be?” “A pretty damn good one.” “You say that now my dear, but I know you, and you wouldn’t be happy living that kind of life.” “Okay, maybe my example wasn’t the best… I just crave a life of some predictability and a little less drama.” Roman laughed, “You and me both… I swear in my own life just with the things I’ve had to endure, I was either really evil in a former life and am paying my dues in this one, or this has been a big test of God’s and I have earned my way into heaven multiple times.” “I like to think that my ticket to heaven has already been purchased and is non-refundable.” “Mar, do you want to talk about what’s been bothering you?” Roman said as he faced her and picked up one of her hands. “You never were one for small talk… I’ve always admired that about you… You never would let me redirect the conversation…” “I know you too well Marlena… I learned the signs years ago. When you want to avoid a subject there are certain things you say and do.” “Am I that predictable?” Marlena said as she tucked an errant stand of hair behind her ear. “You’re doing it again Dr. Evans.” “Dr. Evans, you haven’t called me that in a long time… At least I don’t remember if you have… For all I know you could’ve called me that every day for the last 12 or so years and I wouldn’t have remembered.” “Marlena…” “Do you realize how much I want to remember and not being able to? I’ll see something, anything…. Doesn’t really matter what it is…. And I’ll wonder if I’ve ever seen it before and in what context… sometimes I make myself crazy trying to remember and then I’ll think I remember and I’m not sure if its real or something I’m making up in my head…I’m trying so hard to remember that I’m creating memories that aren’t real and convincing myself that they are.” “Marlena….” “No, not being able to remember anything is awful… I would give anything to have any sort of memory of the last couple years… But then again, maybe I don’t want to remember… Maybe what happened was uneventful… or maybe it was awful… I don’t know…Maybe its best that I don’t remember,” Marlena admitted before being interrupted by Roman. “Marlena, stop it.” “I can’t…. I’m trying so hard to remember… trying so hard… all I hear from everyone is how I should remember… “Don’t you remember me Marlena?”…”You should remember me Marlena”…. “Why can’t you remember Marlena?”… “You’re just not trying hard enough Marlena”...My God, people look at me and treat me like I’m doing this on purpose….” “STOP IT,” Roman yelled, grabbing her face and his hands and forcing her to look at him. “Stop it,” he said in a softer voice as he gently cupped her face. Tears welled up in Marlena’s eyes. “I can’t….” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. Marlena breathed in deeply and then fell apart. “I can’t do this Roman,” she sobbed. Roman pulled her into an embrace, trying to calm her. “I can’t do this.” Roman rubbed her hair back from her face and tried to wipe away her tears. “I…can’t…do…this….” Marlena said between sobs. “Let it all out,” Roman said as he stroked her back. “I CAN’T DO THIS,” Marlena screamed as she broke her contact with Roman and stood up. “I can’t fucking talk about this…not with you…not with anyone…I can’t do this.” She fell to the floor on the plane sobbing. Roman saw out of the corner of his eye that John was standing in the doorway of the bedroom watching, tears streaming down his face. “I just want it to stop,” Marlena whispered as she curled protectively into a ball. John walked over to Marlena and laid down on the floor next to her, pulling her to him. He held her as she continued to sob. “No,” she cried when John encircled her in his strong arms. “No….No….No….No,” she cried. “Let us help you through this,” Roman said as he got down on the floor next to Marlena. “Please Roman,” Marlena said as she sat up, “Please don’t make me do this,” she cried out between sobs. Roman looked behind Marlena at John for guidance. John shook his head no. “I can’t do this Roman, I can’t hurt her like this. Even though I know its for the best that she talks to you about this issue, I can’t make her…look at her…look how much pain she’s in, she ‘s frightened…her defense mechanisms are kicking in…” “Don’t touch me…let me go,” Marlena said as she abruptly pulled herself out of John and Roman embrace. She stood up and walked unsteadily toward the galley. “I need a drink,” she said as she opened the small refrigerator and grabbed another beer. She twisted off the cap and downed half of the bottle in less than a minute. She didn’t bother to wipe the tears from her face as she sat down dejectedly in a chair and leaned her head back, closing her eyes. She wanted everything to stop and for John and Roman to go away. She knew that they were just trying to help her. She knew that she needed to talk about HIM, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Talking about it somehow validated that it was real, HE was real. She heard movement around the small cabin, guessing that Roman or John had gotten up off the floor and had gone into the small galley. She was too emotionally drained to care which one it was. All Marlena wanted to do was to numb her pain; alcohol would suffice. John stood behind her, hating what was happening to her. He slowly reached down and touched her shoulders, desperate for contact. “John, I’m sorry,” Marlena said, not bothering to open her eyes. She leaned back into his touch, needing him. “There’s nothing to be sorry about… if you’re not ready to talk about it, you’re not.” “You must think I’m awful…As a psychiatrist I counsel my patients to be open about their feelings, to talk with their partners… it’s ironic that I can’t seem to take my own advice.” “Maybe you’re not ready to….” “And probably never will…What kind of woman am I that I can’t tell you, my husband, the man that I love and trust more than anything in the world, these things?” “You’re human Doc… I’m sure that you have your reasons… When you feel comfortable, I’m sure that you’ll tell me… In the meantime, I am concerned about your mental state and whatever this is, whoever HE is, is doing to you… Please talk to Roman…I’m not going to force you to talk to him, but I’d really feel better if you talked to someone about this.” “GOD, I HATE being a psychiatrist…why couldn’t I have been a teacher or a nurse.” “Because then you wouldn’t be you…and I happen to love who you are.” John gently squeezed her shoulders, noting how tense she was. “…I have enough of an ego as a successful psychiatrist that I try to treat myself…I should know better, and I do… Deep down inside of me I believe that I can treat myself and heal myself.” “Maybe you can, maybe you just need a little help.” “You’re right John,” Marlena said as she opened her eyes and sat up. John noticed that her demeanor suddenly changed. “I’m tired of running…I’m tired of being scared… I’m trying of hiding who I am and pretending to be something that I’m not.” Roman watched Marlena and John from the galley, not sure of where this conversation between them was going. John was still standing behind Marlena a look of confusion on his face. “You want to know what the big secret is? You want to know who He is? You want to know who I am?” “Yes,” John said softly. Marlena got up from her chair and turned around and faced John. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. “Okay…okay…okay,” she began. She opened her hazel eyes and looked directly into his blue ones. John felt her in his soul. He felt that indescribable connection that they always seemed to have had, but was missing for the last couple of years…he felt her pain…he felt her anguish…he felt her confusion…he felt a profound sense of loss…he felt love. She closed her eyes again, fearful of his reaction. “Okay, I can do this…I can… I can do this,” she said as she opened her eyes again and looked at him. “My name isn’t even Marlena…You want to know more, ask him,” Marlena said as she motioned to Roman and walked into the bedroom shutting the door behind her.