Chapter 25

[Mimi]

“What did you just say?” John asked, as he looked over at Marlena in shock, unsure of what he had just heard her say. “My father,” she whispered again, head hung low. John immediately got up and went over to Marlena, afraid to touch her. He tentatively reached out and touched her. When she didn’t recoil, he took her in his arms and hugged her tight. “Oh Doc… Of Doc… This has been eating you up inside… My god, to have had to live with this… and you had no one to talk to it about… oh honey, why didn’t you tell me?” “I never wanted you to know John…you weren’t supposed to ever find out,” she whispered into his chest. John had to strain to hear what she was saying. John slowly rubbed her back, pulling her tighter into his arms. She was so tense. “I wanted to tell you…but couldn’t…” “It’s okay Doc, it’s okay…” John whispered in her hair, trying to comfort her, yet at the same time trying to grasp the fact that his wife just told him that her father had raped her. “How can you say that?” She asked as she looked up at him. “How can you look at me and hold me in your arms and say that.” John bit his lip to keep from crying out, “Because I love you and nothing, I mean nothing, will ever change that.” Upon hearing his admission of love Marlena burst into tears, clutching at his shirt as she sobbed. “I’m so sorry John…I’m sorry…. I’m sorry… sorry,” Marlena cried. “Honey, it’s okay…you have nothing to be ashamed of.” “John, you can’t tell anyone…you can’t,” she said as she grabbed onto the collars of his button down shirt. “Please promise me that you won’t tell anyone…promise me….no one can ever know.” She was frantic, a wild look in her eyes, the look of a desperate woman. “Doc, you know that I’d never tell anyone… but there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” John tried to reassure her, looking over to Roman for help. “Nothing to be ashamed of? …Nothing to be ashamed of? … Daughters aren’t supposed to be doing those sorts of things with their fathers… and you say I have nothing to be ashamed of? … What would my children think of me? … Of God…John, you can’t tell anyone.” “It wasn’t your fault Marlena?” “It’s always my fault John… Everything is always my fault, don’t you get that?” Marlena was borderline hysterical. “Why would you say that?” “Because it always is… I can’t ever be what people want me to be and when I let them down, they hurt me… if I could just be good maybe I wouldn’t hurt...” Marlena let go of John’s collar and wiped the tears from her eyes. Marlena looked up at John, unable to gage his response to her news. She needed to look him in the eye and see that his feelings for her hadn’t changed. Marlena pulled away from him when she realized that he wasn’t able to look her in the eyes. Marlena wasn’t aware that John was looking at Roman for guidance as to handle the situation. “You hate me too,” she whispered. “I knew telling you would be a bad idea…” “Marlena, stop,” John said as he reached out and grabbed her arm. “Stop it.” He looked into her eyes. “I love you…I love you… Nothing you say or do will change that…Don’t you know that by now?” “Then why wouldn’t you look at me?” “Honey, I want to spend the rest of my days gazing into your beautiful eyes,” he said as he embraced her once again. “Could you tell me about what happened?” John finally asked. “What happened? You want to know the details?” Marlena whispered into his chest. She was finding it hard to believe the John actually wanted to know the details. “No, god no… I’m just trying to understand.” He slowly rubbed her back. “There’s really nothing to understand John other than it happened and its over.” “It’s not over Doc… look at you… whatever happened is still affecting you, whether you’d like to admit it or not.” “No John. It’s over. I get to say its over, not you.” She pulled out of his embrace and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. “Doc, it’s not over,” Roman finally said as he approached Marlena. Marlena gasped in shock when he spoke, forgetting that he was even there. “What say do you get in this?” she turned and yelled at him. “You get no say…neither of you do… This happened to me, not you… Me…This is my life… My life…I get to say when this ends, not you.” “It’s okay to have these feelings Doc…It doesn’t mean that you’re less of a woman for being terrified and still having residual issues with what happened to you,” John tried to explain. “Residual issues…Ha… Don’t try to psychoanalyze me John… And Roman don’t you dare stand there and act like you have a fucking clue what I have gone through… You may know the details and god knows I wish you didn’t, but that’s all you have… Neither of you gets the right to tell me what I should be feeling… It’s my life, not yours… I say that I am over it… It’s in the past where it belongs… I put it there and neither of you have any fucking right to try to bring it back…” Marlena was beyond pissed off at both of them. John and Roman were confused by her erratic mood swings. One moment she would be terrified, then she would start crying and then angry Marlena would come out. “We’re not trying to tell you what you should do Marlena… I’m just trying to understand… As much as you try to deny it, what happened with your father has greatly impacted you…” “STOP IT,” Marlena screamed. “STOP It …stop talking about my father… I don’t want to talk about him anymore… there is nothing left to be said…” “Marlena,” John said as he softly touched her arm. “Marlena, look at me,” John demanded. “You’re human, not some robot…It’s okay to show your emotions and talk about what’s bothering you…I know it’s hard for you to let go sometimes and let people know what you’re feeling… It’s not a sign of weakness… If you want to yell and scream, go ahead… But don’t stand here and act like the fact that your father raped you is not an issue, because you aren’t that cold and heartless and you’re not that good of an actress… Marlena, your father raped you… he raped you honey…. he raped you.” John had tears in his eyes, as did Roman. Marlena was trying her best to hold it together, biting on her bottom lip to keep from crying out. Roman saw her shoulders tremble and reached out and touched her. “It’s okay… let it out,” John whispered to her as he reached out and touched her chin and gently lifted it so he could see her eyes. Blue eyes met hazel ones. Marlena threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. “Why did he do that to me? I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t… What did I do? … I was good, really I was…. I just wanted him to love me… I tried so hard to make him love me… he never loved me… he hated Samantha and me … oh god, Samantha… why couldn’t he love me? … All I ever wanted was to be loved.” “You are loved Marlena… I love you more than you’ll ever know…” John said as he stroked her back and tried to reassure her. “You are such a special woman, you know that, don’t you…I can’t imagine my life without you… You are the warmest, most compassionate woman…” “I don’t feel that way.” “You’re just going through a rough time right now… things will get better… you’re a survivor Marlena.” “Don’t call me that,” she warned him through her tears. “You are the strongest woman that I know… what you went through would have broken a lesser woman…” “Please, John… I can’t be what you want me to be.” “Its not who I want you to be, it’s who you are.” “NO, John,” she yelled. “It’s who Marlena is, not who I am…deep down I am and always will be that scarred twelve year old girl who wanted her father to love her… I will always be that girl that is scarred of the dark, a bugs, of swimming in lakes, who can’t eat pork and beans because I was forced to eat it every day for two fucking years…I will always be that girl who when she goes to sleep at night looks around the room to make sure that no one is hiding under the bed or in the closet… Do I sound like a strong woman to you? Do I? I’m been so terrified of people finding out that I’m a fraud that I created a persona, my version of what an undamaged person would look like… but that’s not me…” “Yes it is… you are Marlena… you are strong… you are loved.” “Please let me be damaged and broken, please let me be me,” she begged. “Please love me like my father couldn’t.”