Chapter 26

[Mimi]

“I’m going to leave you alone so that you two can talk… I’ll check with the pilot and see how much longer till we get there,” Roman said as he touched John’s shoulder. He leaned down and kissed Marlena on the cheek. “You know I love you… Please talk to John, Mar…please.” He walked to the front of the cabin, giving Marlena and John some privacy. Marlena pulled out of John’s embrace and wiped her eyes with her hands. “Oh god…I’m sorry for falling apart on you like that.” “That’s what I’m here for Doc… I will always be here for you… You and me, we’re in this together.” John reached out and wiped some of the remaining tears on her face with his thumbs. “I will always be here for you… I swear.” Marlena looked away in embarrassment. “My head hurts… I’d like to lay down.” “I bet it does… you’ve just been through a lot emotionally.” John gently rubbed Marlena’s arm. “I’ll go with you.” “I’m a big girl, you don’t need to go with me.” “You’re my wife…I love you… and I want to make sure that you are okay…do you have a problem with that?” “Well no….” “I sense some hesitation in your voice…Do you want to be alone Marlena?” “I don’t know… yes and no.” Marlena looked down and played with the trim on the bottom of her T-shirt, unable to look at John. “Marlena,” John said as he took her chin in his fingers and gently lifted her face so that he could look her in the eyes. “Please be honest with me about your feelings… No more secrets… I’m tired of secrets… After everything we’ve been through, there can’t be secrets… If you don’t want me to lay down with you, please just say so… I can handle the truth… but just tell me the truth, that’s all I ask… whatever the truth may be, I’ll always be here for you and love you unconditionally.” John smiled as he stroked the sides of her face with his thumbs. “I appreciate that,” Marlena whispered, her bottom lip quivering. “Oh God, I’m a wreck…I can’t seem to stop crying.” Tears fell down her cheeks. John gently brushed them away with his thumbs. “Come on…Come with me… Let’s get you comfortable,” John said as he led Marlena into the bedroom. He pulled the covers back and motioned for her to lie down. Once she seemed to have found a comfortable position, he laid down next to her and pulled the covers up over both of them. “I don’t think its possible to love you more than I do right now.” John whispered to her, their faces inches apart. “Not as much as I love you,” Marlena whispered back. “John, are we going to be okay?” “Of course, why wouldn’t we be?” John asked as he shifted his body so that that he was lying on his side facing her. Marlena remained on her back looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t know…” “Doc…no secrets…” John noticed that she had closed her eyes. “I’m scarred that things will change between us now…” “Why would they change? … You’re still the woman that I married, okay so you’re missing a couple years in your memory, but that doesn’t change anything…” “I’m just worried that you’re going to look at me differently…treat me differently.” “I love you Marlena, you… “John, make love to me…” Marlena said as she turned her head and looked at him. John closed his eyes and breathed in deeply before responding. “You can’t…. Can you?” She asked as she sat up and faced him. “I knew this would happen… I knew it… I should have trusted my instincts and kept my mouth shut…” “Marlena…” John tried to interrupt. He sat up in the bed and faced her. “I should have kept my mouth shut… This always happens… You people that espouse the virtues of honesty, you don’t know a damn thing… When you get your fucking honesty, you don’t know how to handle it,” Marlena said loudly with anger in her voice and hatred in her eyes. “Marlena,” John interrupted again. “I’m not finished…you want your fucking honesty…well now you’ve got it… you can’t take it back… it’s out there John… don’t ask for what you aren’t prepared to handle.” “Marlena,” John tried to interrupt again. He reached out and grabbed her hands in his. The conversation was spiraling out of control and in a direction it shouldn’t be going in. If he didn’t stop it soon, things might be said between the two of them that they wouldn’t be able to take back easily. “No, admit it…now that you know about me, I disgust you… so do you want a divorce now? … Is that it? … You don’t want me because I’m “damaged goods”, is that it? … Tell me, don’t try to be kind John… remember no more secrets…” “Shut up Marlena,” John said in anger as he grabbed her face roughly and kissed her hard. Marlena was resistant to the kiss, clenching her lips tightly together, denying his tongue access. John continued his assault on her mouth, placing little kisses on along her lips, her chin and her neck. Gradually her felt her defenses weaken and her start to respond. John broke the kiss and looked deep into her eyes. “I can’t make love to you Marlena… Not right now… I can’t… God knows that I want to more than anything … But I can’t… I will not allow you to use me as a substitute… You only want me so that you can forget about what your father did to you… I won’t allow you to use us like that…” John hurt so much for his wife. The pain that she was feeling was evident on her face. “Fine, then I’ll see if Roman’s up to it,” Marlena said candidly. “What did you just say?” “If you aren’t man enough, maybe Roman is.” Marlena threw the covers off her lap and attempted to get up off the bed. “Goddammit Marlena…stop this… stop it.” John grabbed Marlena and pulled her back onto the bed. “Do not use your fucking body to numb your pain, Marlena… don’t do it… I’ll tell you now and I promise you… If you degrade yourself by fucking another man, our marriage is over.” “You did it to me,” she screamed. “We’ve been through this already… this is different…” “Because you say it is?” “No because it is…look, I don’t want to fight with you Marlena… For whatever reason you seem to want to fight…I can’t do it anymore… this is too exhausting for me...” “So, I’m not worth it? Is that what you are saying?” “Please Marlena…you’re trying to put words in my mouth…lets not fight anymore.” “Fine,” Marlena said as she crossed her arms protectively over her chest and stared at the open door. “I love you honey,” John said as she stroked her back. “I love you…” “I know you do,” Marlena mumbled. “I know you do.” “When you’re ready to talk about your father, know that I’m here to listen… I have a lot of questions, but don’t want to push you.” “Thanks,” Marlena said as she laid back on the bed in John’s arms. “Right now I have a killer headache…I don’t want to think or feel…I just want to be.”