Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:24:57 GMT -5
John ran up the stairs taking the steps by two. He couldn’t get to Marlena’s room fast enough, but at the same time was dreading what he was going to say. What was he going to say? What profound statement of undying love, devotion and adoration would make her suddenly change her mind and realize what a colossal mistake she was making? He wasn’t sure he would be able to come up with something new that would reach her when everything he tried so far hadn’t.
“Doc I need to talk to you,” John said as he banged on her bedroom door. The direct approach would have to work.
“Go away,” she yelled from the other side. John could barely hear her.
“No, open the door or I’ll break it down.” John was serious, mad and determined. This was his marriage on the line and he wasn’t going to let his life slip away without trying.
“I said go away,” Marlena yelled a little louder. She sounded pissed off.
“No, you’re going to talk to me one way or another,” John yelled back as he continued banging on the door. “Dammit Marlena, I just want to talk… Is that too much to ask?”
“I made it clear John, I want you to leave me alone.”
“No,” John said, as he took a running start toward the door, his left shoulder forward. Marlena heard the sound of wood breaking as John’s shoulder made contact with the door.
“Stop it,” she screamed from the other side of the door. “I’ll let you in.” John heard the unclick of the lock followed by the sound of the door slowly opening. Marlena glared at him though the thin crack. “What do you want?” she asked coldly. John could see that her eyes were red and puffy as if she had been crying recently.
“You, I want you,” John answered honestly. Once he said it, he realized that it was probably the wrong thing to say to her at the moment, but it was too late. This was Marlena he was fighting for.
“I’m not a possession, something to be had,” she answered softly.
“I never thought that you were Doc.” John slowly pushed his foot into the small crack in the door that Marlena had left open.
Marlena gasped at the mention of the name Doc. “Please don’t call me that… Not now… I can’t be that person to Roman or to you…”
“Okay, Marlena… I just want to talk with you…” “So talk,” Marlena interrupted.
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Please Marlena…I just want to talk, that’s all…”
Marlena stared at John blankly wondering what to do. Part of her wanted to let him in her room and let him convince her that this divorce was a bad idea. How could she look the best thing that had ever happened to her in the eye and tell him that it was over and that there was no chance of reconciliation. How could she purposely break his heart all over again? She may be a great actress but she wasn’t that cruel. The longer she spent away from him the harder it became to keep up this charade on not wanting him, hating him. From her talks with Roman she knew that John was devastated by the divorce, as devastated as she was. How was she going to get through this?
“Please Marlena, for old times sake?” John pleaded upon sensing her hesitation.
“Okay, but not in here… give me five minutes and I’ll meet you down on the veranda.” She immediately regretted her decision but it was too late to take it back. John slowly removed his foot from the crack in the door. “Thanks Marlena, you won’t regret it.”
Marlena slowly closed the door and leaned against it for support. “I already have,” she cried as she fell to the floor sobbing. After a couple of minutes, Marlena was able to compose herself enough to get up off the floor. Glancing at the clock, she realized that she only had a couple of minutes to get ready before John would be back up knocking on the door, wondering if she’d changed her mind.
Marlena made her way to the bathroom, glancing briefly at herself in the mirror. When she arrived on the island she could at least make the claim that she looked somewhat healthy and happy…now, she just looked there, someone just occupying space and breathing air. The psychiatrist in her wondered if others saw what she did when she looked in the mirror. Quickly glancing away at the image that haunted her, she turned on the faucet and grabbed a washcloth. Liberal use of concealor, powder and mascara and a quick brush of her hair left her looking more presentable and alive. She grabbed an oversized sweatshirt out of the closet and put on. She was ready to face John.
~~~~~
John immediately smiled when she entered the veranda. She still looked as beautiful as ever. To the casual observer, Marlena looked like she had not a care in the world. To those that knew and loved her, from her overuse of make-up, body language and choice of clothing, it was obvious that she was anything but.
Marlena sat down at the table across from John.
“Would you like something to drink?” John asked.
“Some water please,” she asked, not quite looking up at him
John motioned for the servant to bring her a glass of water. “Where’s Roman?” Marlena asked, looking around. John closed his eyes briefly before responding. “I assume he’s somewhere around here, why?”
“Just wondering,” Marlena softly replied as she played with the hem on the cuffs of her sweatshirt. John recognized that the shirt was his, he wondered if she knew it was.
“So how have you been Marlena?” John asked trying to keep the conversation neutral.
“Fine.”
“Just fine?”
“Fine.”
“It’s beautiful here this time of year, don’t you think?”
“Lovely.” She was looking down at the table when she responded to him. This was not going as he hoped it would.
“Marlena, please talk to me… I’m not going to hurt you…”
“I just don’t feel like talking right now, okay?” Marlena interrupted John. She couldn’t deal with him talking about emotions and the like. Not now. Everything was too raw for her right now. She didn’t have it in her to keep up the charade tonight. Deep down she was terrified that when he looked at her he would be able to see Julie, the ugly child that no one wanted, and that he would abandon her like everyone else had. She was terrified that she would disgust him, that he would decide that the wife of the great John Black couldn’t possibly be someone like her. She wasn’t worthy. She wasn’t clean enough. She was tainted. Her soul was black. She could take him rejecting her for any other reason, but not that, not for who she was. Her father taught her well, hurt them before they hurt you. And so she did.
“If you don’t want to talk, I will… There are some things that I want to say to you… Look, this isn’t easy for me, laying it all out on the line like this. I’m not the best at discussing my feelings, you know that… But I can and that’s something you taught me Marlena… I don’t want this divorce. I don’t. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life… You complete me as a person…. I know that we aren’t on the best terms right now, hell you have barely said a word to me for the past couple months…Is there something I did or said to you to make you want this? If so, I’m truly sorry Marlena…” John got up and walked over to the railing and looked out over the ocean. “I brought you here hoping that you’d get your memory back…and I knew I could keep you safe while that happened…. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would drive you further away from me… Can’t we just go back to where we were before? Can’t we try again Marlena? Please?” John looked over at Marlena. She was sitting calmly in her chair; her knees pulled up under her sweatshirt and her arms around them.
“It’s over John,” Marlena said as she lowered her head onto her knees.
“I can’t accept that, I can’t…. What gives you the right to take 20 fucking years of happiness and flush it down the toilet…. What gives you the right to do that? Don’t I get a say too?” John was livid with her. Why did she get to make the decision? Why did he ever go along with her on the divorce?
“Please let me go John…let me go,” Marlena said softly, tears streaming down her face.
“I can’t Marlena, I can’t,” John said as he sat down beside her.
“I need for you to let me go,” Marlena cried.
“I need you in my life Marlena…I need you… I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else… I can’t let you go, I can’t… Please don’t ask me to...” John was openly crying now beside Marlena.
“If you love me as much as you say you do then you’ll let me go… I’m not saying that we’ll be apart forever, just for now. I need this for me John. Ever since I woke up with amnesia I’ve felt like I was falling… I don’t know how to stop falling…. As time goes on the feeling gets worse… I wish to God that someone would catch me…. I just want it to stop,” Marlena was openly sobbing, the pain she had been feeling for months evident on her face.
“Let me catch you,” John said tenderly as he took her hand in her his. “Let me catch you.”
“Doc I need to talk to you,” John said as he banged on her bedroom door. The direct approach would have to work.
“Go away,” she yelled from the other side. John could barely hear her.
“No, open the door or I’ll break it down.” John was serious, mad and determined. This was his marriage on the line and he wasn’t going to let his life slip away without trying.
“I said go away,” Marlena yelled a little louder. She sounded pissed off.
“No, you’re going to talk to me one way or another,” John yelled back as he continued banging on the door. “Dammit Marlena, I just want to talk… Is that too much to ask?”
“I made it clear John, I want you to leave me alone.”
“No,” John said, as he took a running start toward the door, his left shoulder forward. Marlena heard the sound of wood breaking as John’s shoulder made contact with the door.
“Stop it,” she screamed from the other side of the door. “I’ll let you in.” John heard the unclick of the lock followed by the sound of the door slowly opening. Marlena glared at him though the thin crack. “What do you want?” she asked coldly. John could see that her eyes were red and puffy as if she had been crying recently.
“You, I want you,” John answered honestly. Once he said it, he realized that it was probably the wrong thing to say to her at the moment, but it was too late. This was Marlena he was fighting for.
“I’m not a possession, something to be had,” she answered softly.
“I never thought that you were Doc.” John slowly pushed his foot into the small crack in the door that Marlena had left open.
Marlena gasped at the mention of the name Doc. “Please don’t call me that… Not now… I can’t be that person to Roman or to you…”
“Okay, Marlena… I just want to talk with you…” “So talk,” Marlena interrupted.
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Please Marlena…I just want to talk, that’s all…”
Marlena stared at John blankly wondering what to do. Part of her wanted to let him in her room and let him convince her that this divorce was a bad idea. How could she look the best thing that had ever happened to her in the eye and tell him that it was over and that there was no chance of reconciliation. How could she purposely break his heart all over again? She may be a great actress but she wasn’t that cruel. The longer she spent away from him the harder it became to keep up this charade on not wanting him, hating him. From her talks with Roman she knew that John was devastated by the divorce, as devastated as she was. How was she going to get through this?
“Please Marlena, for old times sake?” John pleaded upon sensing her hesitation.
“Okay, but not in here… give me five minutes and I’ll meet you down on the veranda.” She immediately regretted her decision but it was too late to take it back. John slowly removed his foot from the crack in the door. “Thanks Marlena, you won’t regret it.”
Marlena slowly closed the door and leaned against it for support. “I already have,” she cried as she fell to the floor sobbing. After a couple of minutes, Marlena was able to compose herself enough to get up off the floor. Glancing at the clock, she realized that she only had a couple of minutes to get ready before John would be back up knocking on the door, wondering if she’d changed her mind.
Marlena made her way to the bathroom, glancing briefly at herself in the mirror. When she arrived on the island she could at least make the claim that she looked somewhat healthy and happy…now, she just looked there, someone just occupying space and breathing air. The psychiatrist in her wondered if others saw what she did when she looked in the mirror. Quickly glancing away at the image that haunted her, she turned on the faucet and grabbed a washcloth. Liberal use of concealor, powder and mascara and a quick brush of her hair left her looking more presentable and alive. She grabbed an oversized sweatshirt out of the closet and put on. She was ready to face John.
~~~~~
John immediately smiled when she entered the veranda. She still looked as beautiful as ever. To the casual observer, Marlena looked like she had not a care in the world. To those that knew and loved her, from her overuse of make-up, body language and choice of clothing, it was obvious that she was anything but.
Marlena sat down at the table across from John.
“Would you like something to drink?” John asked.
“Some water please,” she asked, not quite looking up at him
John motioned for the servant to bring her a glass of water. “Where’s Roman?” Marlena asked, looking around. John closed his eyes briefly before responding. “I assume he’s somewhere around here, why?”
“Just wondering,” Marlena softly replied as she played with the hem on the cuffs of her sweatshirt. John recognized that the shirt was his, he wondered if she knew it was.
“So how have you been Marlena?” John asked trying to keep the conversation neutral.
“Fine.”
“Just fine?”
“Fine.”
“It’s beautiful here this time of year, don’t you think?”
“Lovely.” She was looking down at the table when she responded to him. This was not going as he hoped it would.
“Marlena, please talk to me… I’m not going to hurt you…”
“I just don’t feel like talking right now, okay?” Marlena interrupted John. She couldn’t deal with him talking about emotions and the like. Not now. Everything was too raw for her right now. She didn’t have it in her to keep up the charade tonight. Deep down she was terrified that when he looked at her he would be able to see Julie, the ugly child that no one wanted, and that he would abandon her like everyone else had. She was terrified that she would disgust him, that he would decide that the wife of the great John Black couldn’t possibly be someone like her. She wasn’t worthy. She wasn’t clean enough. She was tainted. Her soul was black. She could take him rejecting her for any other reason, but not that, not for who she was. Her father taught her well, hurt them before they hurt you. And so she did.
“If you don’t want to talk, I will… There are some things that I want to say to you… Look, this isn’t easy for me, laying it all out on the line like this. I’m not the best at discussing my feelings, you know that… But I can and that’s something you taught me Marlena… I don’t want this divorce. I don’t. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life… You complete me as a person…. I know that we aren’t on the best terms right now, hell you have barely said a word to me for the past couple months…Is there something I did or said to you to make you want this? If so, I’m truly sorry Marlena…” John got up and walked over to the railing and looked out over the ocean. “I brought you here hoping that you’d get your memory back…and I knew I could keep you safe while that happened…. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would drive you further away from me… Can’t we just go back to where we were before? Can’t we try again Marlena? Please?” John looked over at Marlena. She was sitting calmly in her chair; her knees pulled up under her sweatshirt and her arms around them.
“It’s over John,” Marlena said as she lowered her head onto her knees.
“I can’t accept that, I can’t…. What gives you the right to take 20 fucking years of happiness and flush it down the toilet…. What gives you the right to do that? Don’t I get a say too?” John was livid with her. Why did she get to make the decision? Why did he ever go along with her on the divorce?
“Please let me go John…let me go,” Marlena said softly, tears streaming down her face.
“I can’t Marlena, I can’t,” John said as he sat down beside her.
“I need for you to let me go,” Marlena cried.
“I need you in my life Marlena…I need you… I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else… I can’t let you go, I can’t… Please don’t ask me to...” John was openly crying now beside Marlena.
“If you love me as much as you say you do then you’ll let me go… I’m not saying that we’ll be apart forever, just for now. I need this for me John. Ever since I woke up with amnesia I’ve felt like I was falling… I don’t know how to stop falling…. As time goes on the feeling gets worse… I wish to God that someone would catch me…. I just want it to stop,” Marlena was openly sobbing, the pain she had been feeling for months evident on her face.
“Let me catch you,” John said tenderly as he took her hand in her his. “Let me catch you.”
