Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:25:38 GMT -5
“Let me catch you,” John said tenderly as he took her hand in her his. “Let me catch you Marlena.”
“John, if it were only that simple,” Marlena said as she pulled her hand out of his grasp, and wiped the tears from her face. She needed to keep herself together. She couldn’t fall apart on John.
“It can be that simple Doc…All you need to do is believe in me, believe in us.”
“Please let me go John,” she repeated once again.
“I can’t Doc…I can’t let you walk out of my life…we’re stronger together than apart, don’t you know that by now,” John said as he wiped the tears out of his eyes.
“Logically yes, emotionally no…I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts going through my head right now…I need time John.” How could she make him understand that this wasn’t about him, she wasn’t trying to hurt him,
“I’ll give you all the time you need Doc, but please no divorce. If you need time alone, you’ve got it. I’ll do anything but give you a divorce.”
“Please John…let me go… I know you don’t want a divorce, but its what I need…please try to understand that.” How many times was she going to have to ask him to let her go before he was going to?
“But why Doc…Tell me why?” He was beyond frustrated with her and yet at the same time desperate. He had a sinking feeling that this would be the last conversation that they had on this topic.
“I can’t,” she honestly replied.
“Can’t or won’t?” John sat forward in his chair, needing to be close to Marlena.
“Can’t…look, I can’t explain it…I feel such a connection to you John…I do. But I have no memories of being married to you…I remember our time together when we thought you are Roman, but nothing else…I’d love to be able to tell you that I remember my life as Marlena Evans Black, but I don’t…Please don’t make me live my life as her, when I have absolutely no idea who she is… I’m not her John…I’m not.”
“She’s you Doc…you are her… you talk as if you are two separate people.”
“I am John, don’t you see that? Inside of me I feel like I am two separate people…Everyone wants me to regain my memories, but you are forcing me to live in the past to do it…I don’t want to live in the past…I need to move forward and I can’t do that now…I want to live in the present John…You are not in my present, sorry…” She couldn’t look at him, she didn’t want to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes she was sure that would be there.
“Let me help you Doc…I want to help you.”
“Don’t you see that you can’t…I’m not someone you can fix.” Marlena felt a headache coming on. She wanted the conversation to end. She wanted John not to fight the divorce. She wanted and needed him to be her friend. She wanted a lot of things, but wasn’t optimistic that she would get any of them,
“You act as if you’re some broken toy that can’t be fixed and that I should throw you away, discard you…I can’t Doc, I can’t.”
“I am broken John… My mind is broken, face it.”
“It’s not hopeless, its not…whatever help you need, I’ll get it for you.”
“The best thing that you could do for me, the most selfless thing you could do would be to let me go…Please John, I’m begging you…Let me go…Give me this divorce.”
“I can’t Doc…I’m not ready to give you up.”
“It’s what I need for you to do for me John, for me…Please let me go.”
“I can’t lose you Doc.”
“I don’t want to part on bad terms with you John, I don’t…. Please don’t end this, end us, on a bad note. Please let me go…walk away while there still is an us. I’m not closing the door on us in the future John, please don’t think that I am…. I need you in my life, I need you John…Just not as my husband right now.”
“So we’ll separate for awhile… I’ll give you some space.” That seemed like a good solution to John.
“No,” Marlena interrupted. “No, we’ve already discussed this…for there to be an us in the future, there needs to be an end to us now.”
“This is breaking my heart Doc.” John said as he watched Marlena take her wedding and engagement ring off of her finger and set in on the table. “I’m in a no-win situation here. I let you go and I lose the best thing that has ever happened to me…I force you to stay in this marriage and I lose you. I LOSE YOU EITHER WAY,” John yelled as he held up his hands in defeat. “I lose you…god after everything that we’ve been through never did I think that the end of us would be the result of our own doing... I thought we were stronger…Guess I was wrong.”
Marlena sat silently hugging her legs. She hurt so much inside, she was barely cognizant of John’s discourse on the breakdown of their marriage. What began as a dull ache in her left temporal lobe, soon became a shooting pain. Marlena grabbed her head, holding it still, wishing for the pain to stop.
“Doc, Doc, are you alright?” John asked as he knelt down on the tile floor in front of her. Marlena’s eyes were clenched shut.
“I’ll be okay,” she said weakly. “I just need to lay down.”
“Here, let me help you,” John said as he attempted to pick Marlena up.
“Oh God,” she moaned in pain. “Please stop…please stop.”
“Let me get the doctor,” John said as he pulled his cell phone out.
“No, I’ll be okay…just a headache…I’ll be okay.” Marlena slowly stood up, holding her head trying to keep the pain under control.
“Let me help you to your room, “ John offered.
“No, I’ll be okay…I appreciate your concern…If you’d like, come and check on me later,” Marlena offered hoping that John would be distracted by her offer.
“If you insist,” John said as he sat down in the chair and watched Marlena slowly make her way out of the room. It took a significant amount of self control not to follow her up to her room.
Marlena barely made it to her room when the pain became unbearable. She could barely see, only shadows visible. Marlena felt the bile rising in her throat with each pound in her head. She grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle as she made her way into the bathroom. A sharp pain in her head, rendered Marlena incapacitated as she fell to her knees dropping the phone. She violently vomited all over herself and the floor.
As she reached blindly for the phone, she saw memories of her past flash before her like a slideshow out of sequence. Marlena felt the sting of the belt as her father hit her with it…she felt the terror of not knowing how many times she was going to be hit by him that time. She saw herself arguing with John about something and her slapping him across the face hard….she felt the anger and hate that she felt towards him in that instance….she felt the sting of the slap on the palm of her hand. She saw herself floating above her bed in an ethereal fashion…she felt the sensation of the weightlessness and the absolute freedom she felt in that moment. She saw herself giving birth in a cabin with John by her side…she felt the incredible pain in her pelvis as she gave birth to a new life. She saw herself running away from her mother, arms and legs black and blue…she felt the throbbing above her left eye, the blood running down her small tear stained face. She saw herself standing out in the snow, hiding from her father… she felt the chill of the wind against her bare arms, felt the coldness of the snow beneath her bare feet. She saw herself being held prisoner on some island, drugged and restrained….she felt the terror as the nurse administered the drug cocktail that kept her in a twilight state. She saw her mother floating dead in the lake, her body bloated and decaying….she felt the joy that at least one of her tormentors was gone. She saw herself being held down by Kellam Chandler…she felt him enter her roughly. She saw herself being held down by her father…she smelled the alcohol on his breath and felt the calluses on his hands as they made their way across her body. She saw herself being held down by John...she felt him enter her roughly.
Bile rose up in her throat as she vomited again. The slideshow in her mind played faster and faster. Marlena brought her hands to her head and grabbed it, trying to stop the memories, trying to make everything stop. She vomited again, and again and again. When there was nothing left in her stomach, she started dry heaving. In desperation she grabbed the phone and dialed a familiar number. “It’s Julie, I need you…It’s happening again,” Marlena said before she passed out.
“John, if it were only that simple,” Marlena said as she pulled her hand out of his grasp, and wiped the tears from her face. She needed to keep herself together. She couldn’t fall apart on John.
“It can be that simple Doc…All you need to do is believe in me, believe in us.”
“Please let me go John,” she repeated once again.
“I can’t Doc…I can’t let you walk out of my life…we’re stronger together than apart, don’t you know that by now,” John said as he wiped the tears out of his eyes.
“Logically yes, emotionally no…I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts going through my head right now…I need time John.” How could she make him understand that this wasn’t about him, she wasn’t trying to hurt him,
“I’ll give you all the time you need Doc, but please no divorce. If you need time alone, you’ve got it. I’ll do anything but give you a divorce.”
“Please John…let me go… I know you don’t want a divorce, but its what I need…please try to understand that.” How many times was she going to have to ask him to let her go before he was going to?
“But why Doc…Tell me why?” He was beyond frustrated with her and yet at the same time desperate. He had a sinking feeling that this would be the last conversation that they had on this topic.
“I can’t,” she honestly replied.
“Can’t or won’t?” John sat forward in his chair, needing to be close to Marlena.
“Can’t…look, I can’t explain it…I feel such a connection to you John…I do. But I have no memories of being married to you…I remember our time together when we thought you are Roman, but nothing else…I’d love to be able to tell you that I remember my life as Marlena Evans Black, but I don’t…Please don’t make me live my life as her, when I have absolutely no idea who she is… I’m not her John…I’m not.”
“She’s you Doc…you are her… you talk as if you are two separate people.”
“I am John, don’t you see that? Inside of me I feel like I am two separate people…Everyone wants me to regain my memories, but you are forcing me to live in the past to do it…I don’t want to live in the past…I need to move forward and I can’t do that now…I want to live in the present John…You are not in my present, sorry…” She couldn’t look at him, she didn’t want to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes she was sure that would be there.
“Let me help you Doc…I want to help you.”
“Don’t you see that you can’t…I’m not someone you can fix.” Marlena felt a headache coming on. She wanted the conversation to end. She wanted John not to fight the divorce. She wanted and needed him to be her friend. She wanted a lot of things, but wasn’t optimistic that she would get any of them,
“You act as if you’re some broken toy that can’t be fixed and that I should throw you away, discard you…I can’t Doc, I can’t.”
“I am broken John… My mind is broken, face it.”
“It’s not hopeless, its not…whatever help you need, I’ll get it for you.”
“The best thing that you could do for me, the most selfless thing you could do would be to let me go…Please John, I’m begging you…Let me go…Give me this divorce.”
“I can’t Doc…I’m not ready to give you up.”
“It’s what I need for you to do for me John, for me…Please let me go.”
“I can’t lose you Doc.”
“I don’t want to part on bad terms with you John, I don’t…. Please don’t end this, end us, on a bad note. Please let me go…walk away while there still is an us. I’m not closing the door on us in the future John, please don’t think that I am…. I need you in my life, I need you John…Just not as my husband right now.”
“So we’ll separate for awhile… I’ll give you some space.” That seemed like a good solution to John.
“No,” Marlena interrupted. “No, we’ve already discussed this…for there to be an us in the future, there needs to be an end to us now.”
“This is breaking my heart Doc.” John said as he watched Marlena take her wedding and engagement ring off of her finger and set in on the table. “I’m in a no-win situation here. I let you go and I lose the best thing that has ever happened to me…I force you to stay in this marriage and I lose you. I LOSE YOU EITHER WAY,” John yelled as he held up his hands in defeat. “I lose you…god after everything that we’ve been through never did I think that the end of us would be the result of our own doing... I thought we were stronger…Guess I was wrong.”
Marlena sat silently hugging her legs. She hurt so much inside, she was barely cognizant of John’s discourse on the breakdown of their marriage. What began as a dull ache in her left temporal lobe, soon became a shooting pain. Marlena grabbed her head, holding it still, wishing for the pain to stop.
“Doc, Doc, are you alright?” John asked as he knelt down on the tile floor in front of her. Marlena’s eyes were clenched shut.
“I’ll be okay,” she said weakly. “I just need to lay down.”
“Here, let me help you,” John said as he attempted to pick Marlena up.
“Oh God,” she moaned in pain. “Please stop…please stop.”
“Let me get the doctor,” John said as he pulled his cell phone out.
“No, I’ll be okay…just a headache…I’ll be okay.” Marlena slowly stood up, holding her head trying to keep the pain under control.
“Let me help you to your room, “ John offered.
“No, I’ll be okay…I appreciate your concern…If you’d like, come and check on me later,” Marlena offered hoping that John would be distracted by her offer.
“If you insist,” John said as he sat down in the chair and watched Marlena slowly make her way out of the room. It took a significant amount of self control not to follow her up to her room.
Marlena barely made it to her room when the pain became unbearable. She could barely see, only shadows visible. Marlena felt the bile rising in her throat with each pound in her head. She grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle as she made her way into the bathroom. A sharp pain in her head, rendered Marlena incapacitated as she fell to her knees dropping the phone. She violently vomited all over herself and the floor.
As she reached blindly for the phone, she saw memories of her past flash before her like a slideshow out of sequence. Marlena felt the sting of the belt as her father hit her with it…she felt the terror of not knowing how many times she was going to be hit by him that time. She saw herself arguing with John about something and her slapping him across the face hard….she felt the anger and hate that she felt towards him in that instance….she felt the sting of the slap on the palm of her hand. She saw herself floating above her bed in an ethereal fashion…she felt the sensation of the weightlessness and the absolute freedom she felt in that moment. She saw herself giving birth in a cabin with John by her side…she felt the incredible pain in her pelvis as she gave birth to a new life. She saw herself running away from her mother, arms and legs black and blue…she felt the throbbing above her left eye, the blood running down her small tear stained face. She saw herself standing out in the snow, hiding from her father… she felt the chill of the wind against her bare arms, felt the coldness of the snow beneath her bare feet. She saw herself being held prisoner on some island, drugged and restrained….she felt the terror as the nurse administered the drug cocktail that kept her in a twilight state. She saw her mother floating dead in the lake, her body bloated and decaying….she felt the joy that at least one of her tormentors was gone. She saw herself being held down by Kellam Chandler…she felt him enter her roughly. She saw herself being held down by her father…she smelled the alcohol on his breath and felt the calluses on his hands as they made their way across her body. She saw herself being held down by John...she felt him enter her roughly.
Bile rose up in her throat as she vomited again. The slideshow in her mind played faster and faster. Marlena brought her hands to her head and grabbed it, trying to stop the memories, trying to make everything stop. She vomited again, and again and again. When there was nothing left in her stomach, she started dry heaving. In desperation she grabbed the phone and dialed a familiar number. “It’s Julie, I need you…It’s happening again,” Marlena said before she passed out.
