Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:34:06 GMT -5
John laid numbly on the bed holding Marlena in his arms as the sun slowly rose in the eastern sky. Out the window, he could see a fresh blanket of snow carefully covering the trees and ground. Flurries fell one by one from the sky, occasionally catching the light of the sun, making them shimmer. John laughed at the irony before him. Outside lay a winter wonderland, a child’s delight. Inside the room was a nightmare. Blood was covering almost every surface near John.
As he cradled his dying wife, John thought back to the events of the past twenty-four hours. The previous evening, after Marlena had been stabilized, John sent Alexie down to monitor the VHF and get a medevac flight up to the lodge. He then walked over to the corner where Roman and Matrona were caring for his babies. Matrona held the little boy in her arms. As John reached out and latched onto his sons tiny hand, tears came to his eyes.
“It’s not fair,” he said to the baby as Roman and Matrona looked on. “You should be in your momma’s arms right now in a hospital.” He continued holding onto the tiny hand, while his other hand reached underneath the baby. Slowly and carefully he brought his son to his chest. “This should be the happiest day of my life,” he said to the baby unable to continue as a knot formed in his throat when he thought about the very real probability of the babies not making it. They were too small, too premature and just barely hanging on. John knew that they needed medical treatment and that if they were born in a hospital they both would be in the pediatric ICU.
“I need to give you a name,” he said as he stroked his sons black hair. If either of his children didn’t make it he wanted them to at least have a name and know that they were loved even for the brief time they were on earth. Thinking back to his years as a priest, he wanted these children to have biblical names. Maybe somehow God would hear his prayers and intervene and save them.
“You look like a Noah to me little one,” he said as he kissed the top of the baby’s head. “Noah Black I love you more than you will ever know…you stay strong and fight for me baby.” He hugged the child and placed a tender kiss on Noah’s head before handing him back to Matrona.
John wiped the tears from his eyes before he knelt in front of Roman who was holding his daughter. The little girl was much smaller than Noah and her color much worse. Although her heart was beating steadily, her breathing was erratic. John knew that she was not going to make it through the next few hours unless help arrived. He reached out and took her fragile body in his arms, cradling her to his chest. She looked so much like Belle when she was a baby. “Princess you look like a Rachel to me,” he said as he lightly stroked the baby’s cheek with a finger. “Rachel Black you are a fighter, you hear me….you are going to fight and make it…I love you more than you’ll ever know and I am so happy that you chose me to be your daddy….just hang on a little while longer my sweet princess,” John said before he started sobbing. He held the baby closer to his chest and his sobs wracked his body. “Don’t die little girl, please don’t die.”
As he handed Rachel to Roman, he hoped that God would hear his prayer and protect his children and their mother.
“Please take them downstairs to the den. The room is smaller and you should be able to keep it warmer. Matrona, could you make a mixture of sugar and sterilized water and feed it to the babies” John asked as he tried to compose himself.
“Sure Mr. Black,” Matrona said as she stood up with Noah. John kissed his son on his head. “Goodbye, my son…I love you so much,” he said as he started crying again. He had no idea if this would be the last time her saw either or his children alive.
“John, I’ll make sure that they hang in until help arrives,” Roman said as he stood with Rachel. “This little girl is a fighter like her mother and father.”
“I appreciate you saying that Roman,” John said as he bent down and kissed Rachel on the forehead. “Goodbye…..My princess, your daddy loves you.” John broke down in tears unable to keep it together.
“Oh god why?” he sobbed as he fell to the floor. “Why? Haven’t you punished me enough? Punish me…not my children…. They’re just innocent babies.” Roman stood by helplessly with tears in his eyes, not knowing how to comfort John. The only one truly capable of comforting him lay dying on the bed. Not knowing what to do Roman quietly left the room with Rachel in his arms.
“Why god, why?” John continued to cry out in anguish. “Please don’t take them….take me, but not them.”
“God,” John declared as he slowly stood up and stumbled to the bed. “You are not going to take Marlena from me…that’s not going to happen… she’s going to live,” John said in anger as he climbed onto the bed and laid down next to Marlena, taking her body into his arms.
“You’re going to hang on and be fine,” he said as he stroked her hair, but not believing what he said. Her breathing was irregular and heartbeat erratic, her pallor pale. “You are not going to die so if you are even thinking of leaving me, forget about it.”
Logically he knew that this was the end for Marlena. She had lost too much blood and her body had experienced too many traumas to survive. Knowing in his heart that this was most likely the end, he was glad for the fact that he had the opportunity to share this time with her alone. He felt selfish, but knew he needed the time to let her know all the things that he should have said over the years but never did. If she was going to die before help arrived, he wanted to make sure that he had to opportunity to tell her exactly how much she meant to him. He didn’t want any regrets in the end, things that he might have said but never did.
All night long her held her in his arms and talked to her, not letting a minute go by. How do you sum up twenty years of a life spent with an amazing woman? How do you say goodbye?
As the morning sun rose, John said a prayer of thanks. “Doc, you made it through the night,” John said as he kissed her on the cheek and adjusted the blanket that covered them. Her skin was cold to the touch and her pulse rate roughly sixty beats per minute.
“Just a little while longer and I’m sure that help will arrive….the storm looks like it has passed. I bet the medevac is on its way here now to help.”
“You are such an amazing woman Doc…you are so strong…you’re the strongest woman I know,” John said as he put his hand over her heart, desperately needing to feel the faint constrictions it made against muscle and tissue as it pumped.
Suddenly, Marlena felt the sensation of fingers gently moving gently along her breastbone. Her mind relaxed at the sensation of the touch and she allowed herself to give into the comfort that she felt. Slowly the feeling moved up her chest to her neck and finally to her face. Someone was touching her in a very intimate and personal manner. Marlena panicked at the sensation of the touch, not understanding why she was being touched. “You are my life,” she faintly heard John saying. The sound of her own blood pumping drowned out his voice. She tried to concentrate as to what he was saying but could barely hear him. “…..my forever love.” She felt what she assumed were John’s hands move back down her neck to her torso. Intrinsically she knew that it was wrong for John to be touching her. He was her ex-husband, why was he touching her? She panicked at the sensation of his touch, trying to move her body but finding that it wouldn’t respond. She tried to open her mouth to scream but couldn’t make her muscles move. Did she have a spinal cord injury? Was that the reason for her paralysis? Slowly she attempted to open her eyes, but found that they too wouldn’t open. What the hell was wrong with her?
“…you should see the babies Doc…they are both little fighters. Noah is the little boy. He has black hair and blue eyes, but all babies have blue eyes, right. Rachel is our little girl, the spitting image of Belle. She’s going to be beautiful just like you. You have to hold on Doc…they both need you.” Marlena faintly heard John say. “What children?” she tried to ask him. “Who are Noah and Rachel?” She panicked once again and tried to move her body but found that it wouldn’t respond. She heard a baby crying. “Who are you?” she cried out to the baby, “Where are you?” She felt John’s finger tips move up and down her arm. The touch was so gentle and relaxing.
“You’re not going to die Doc…help will get here soon and you’ll be fine.” She felt tremendous pressure on her chest. Did she hear correctly? She was dying? Suddenly it became clear to her as to why she couldn’t move and he couldn’t hear what she was trying to say to him. She was dying.
She faintly heard what John was saying to her as a memory that was locked in her mind returned. “I always thought that the love you and I felt for each other could overcome anything…and I mean anything. But at the end of the day, they are only words, that’s all.” It was too painful. She didn’t want to remember, trying to shut the memories down. The sound of blood pumping in her ears slowly decreased to a much more manageable level.
“Marlena, if you make it through this, I swear things will be different…I want to make things right with you from the beginning…I’m willing to just be your friend if that’s what you need.” Marlena faintly heard John talking to her once again.
Marlena didn’t want things to be different and couldn’t understand what was happening to her. She tried to recall where she was and why, but couldn’t summon the energy to. She was tired and just wanted everything to stop. As her mind drifted further into unconsciousness, she heard John yelling at her and the baby crying.
“Goddammit Doc, you are going to stay with me,” he said as he felt her pulse becoming weaker. He shook her by the shoulders in desperation. The sound of the baby’s cries became louder and louder.
Marlena felt him touch her bare shoulders, as her mind retrieved another memory it had long since forgotten. “Doc, that night on the plane when you and I made love...you gave me life again, Doc. And if nothing more comes out of this, I just want to say thank you. If you want me to leave, I will. Is that what you want?” She relived the desperation on John’s face as he told her that. She felt his pain and his love. Could it be possible that he loved her as much as he said her had? Enough to let her go?
“Come back to me Doc,” John pleaded as he felt her pulse rate slowly increase. Was it possible that she was hearing what he was saying? He bent down and kissed her gently on the lips. Her lips were cold and pale in contrast to his.
As she felt John’s smooth lips against her own, she envisioned John telling her in an earlier time, “You’re the love of my life… don’t ever lose sight of that.” She panicked at the sensation, as the memory of John raping her returned. How was it possible for him to have done that knowing and feeling how loved she was by him? Was her memory wrong? She was so confused and tired, not trusting herself or her mind. She relived the memory and sensation of what he had done on an almost nightly basis. It had to be true, didn’t it?
John felt her heart rate slowly decrease and her breathing become shallow. He was losing her. “Doc whatever you’re remembering or thinking right now is wrong…I love you and need you…Never did I think that when we began this strange journey that it would come to this…You are not going to die so you’d better stop whatever is going on in your head…You’ve always been my anchor…Without you I am nothing. I need you dammit,” John screamed at her before he started crying. “Please don’t leave me Doc…I need you.”
“Doc, please come back to me,” John begged her as he kissed her on the lips once again. “Don’t you know how special you are…I love you more than life itself.” As his lips touched hers once again, the doubts Marlena had about John and his intentions and sincerity slowly faded.
“What we have transcends time Doc…someday we’ll be together…you are my forever love, don’t you know that?” John sobbed. He couldn’t lose her, not like this. What if she didn’t know how much he loved her? He rested his head on her chest, listening to the faint beat of her heart, needing to be close to her.
She felt the wetness of his tears on her skin. One by one, piece by piece, memories of her past with John returned. “Well, I’m counting on you… to stop worrying. And to remember, that I am just crazy in love with the man I married, and nobody could do anything to get me away from you… 'cause John Black you just are my obsession.” Marlena remembered saying to John one afternoon. What he had been saying was true, the love she felt for him was as great as if not more intense than the love he felt for her. She loved him.
“Doc, I love you,” John said simply as he kissed her lips once again. As his lips met hers, she tried to respond and kiss him back. “I’m here John, I’m here,” she tried to scream out to him. “Don’t leave me…I’m here.”
As John held Marlena in his arms he felt her pulse quicken. Astonished by what he was feeling, he took her pulse one again. Eighty-five beats per minute.
“Come on Doc, I feel such a connection to you right now, like you can hear me.” He reached down and placed his fingers gently on her chest. Her heart was beating steadily and seemed to be getting stronger.
“Come on Doc, you’re almost there…I can feel you Doc,” John said as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “I know you’re there and can hear me.” Marlena heard the sound of the baby’s cries becoming louder and louder. She felt a connection to the child that was crying and knew that she was not well. “Hang on my sweet baby,” she said to the crying infant. “Hang on for your daddy.”
Summoning an inner strength that she didn’t know she had, she slowly opened her mouth just enough to whisper, “Rachel.”
As he cradled his dying wife, John thought back to the events of the past twenty-four hours. The previous evening, after Marlena had been stabilized, John sent Alexie down to monitor the VHF and get a medevac flight up to the lodge. He then walked over to the corner where Roman and Matrona were caring for his babies. Matrona held the little boy in her arms. As John reached out and latched onto his sons tiny hand, tears came to his eyes.
“It’s not fair,” he said to the baby as Roman and Matrona looked on. “You should be in your momma’s arms right now in a hospital.” He continued holding onto the tiny hand, while his other hand reached underneath the baby. Slowly and carefully he brought his son to his chest. “This should be the happiest day of my life,” he said to the baby unable to continue as a knot formed in his throat when he thought about the very real probability of the babies not making it. They were too small, too premature and just barely hanging on. John knew that they needed medical treatment and that if they were born in a hospital they both would be in the pediatric ICU.
“I need to give you a name,” he said as he stroked his sons black hair. If either of his children didn’t make it he wanted them to at least have a name and know that they were loved even for the brief time they were on earth. Thinking back to his years as a priest, he wanted these children to have biblical names. Maybe somehow God would hear his prayers and intervene and save them.
“You look like a Noah to me little one,” he said as he kissed the top of the baby’s head. “Noah Black I love you more than you will ever know…you stay strong and fight for me baby.” He hugged the child and placed a tender kiss on Noah’s head before handing him back to Matrona.
John wiped the tears from his eyes before he knelt in front of Roman who was holding his daughter. The little girl was much smaller than Noah and her color much worse. Although her heart was beating steadily, her breathing was erratic. John knew that she was not going to make it through the next few hours unless help arrived. He reached out and took her fragile body in his arms, cradling her to his chest. She looked so much like Belle when she was a baby. “Princess you look like a Rachel to me,” he said as he lightly stroked the baby’s cheek with a finger. “Rachel Black you are a fighter, you hear me….you are going to fight and make it…I love you more than you’ll ever know and I am so happy that you chose me to be your daddy….just hang on a little while longer my sweet princess,” John said before he started sobbing. He held the baby closer to his chest and his sobs wracked his body. “Don’t die little girl, please don’t die.”
As he handed Rachel to Roman, he hoped that God would hear his prayer and protect his children and their mother.
“Please take them downstairs to the den. The room is smaller and you should be able to keep it warmer. Matrona, could you make a mixture of sugar and sterilized water and feed it to the babies” John asked as he tried to compose himself.
“Sure Mr. Black,” Matrona said as she stood up with Noah. John kissed his son on his head. “Goodbye, my son…I love you so much,” he said as he started crying again. He had no idea if this would be the last time her saw either or his children alive.
“John, I’ll make sure that they hang in until help arrives,” Roman said as he stood with Rachel. “This little girl is a fighter like her mother and father.”
“I appreciate you saying that Roman,” John said as he bent down and kissed Rachel on the forehead. “Goodbye…..My princess, your daddy loves you.” John broke down in tears unable to keep it together.
“Oh god why?” he sobbed as he fell to the floor. “Why? Haven’t you punished me enough? Punish me…not my children…. They’re just innocent babies.” Roman stood by helplessly with tears in his eyes, not knowing how to comfort John. The only one truly capable of comforting him lay dying on the bed. Not knowing what to do Roman quietly left the room with Rachel in his arms.
“Why god, why?” John continued to cry out in anguish. “Please don’t take them….take me, but not them.”
“God,” John declared as he slowly stood up and stumbled to the bed. “You are not going to take Marlena from me…that’s not going to happen… she’s going to live,” John said in anger as he climbed onto the bed and laid down next to Marlena, taking her body into his arms.
“You’re going to hang on and be fine,” he said as he stroked her hair, but not believing what he said. Her breathing was irregular and heartbeat erratic, her pallor pale. “You are not going to die so if you are even thinking of leaving me, forget about it.”
Logically he knew that this was the end for Marlena. She had lost too much blood and her body had experienced too many traumas to survive. Knowing in his heart that this was most likely the end, he was glad for the fact that he had the opportunity to share this time with her alone. He felt selfish, but knew he needed the time to let her know all the things that he should have said over the years but never did. If she was going to die before help arrived, he wanted to make sure that he had to opportunity to tell her exactly how much she meant to him. He didn’t want any regrets in the end, things that he might have said but never did.
All night long her held her in his arms and talked to her, not letting a minute go by. How do you sum up twenty years of a life spent with an amazing woman? How do you say goodbye?
As the morning sun rose, John said a prayer of thanks. “Doc, you made it through the night,” John said as he kissed her on the cheek and adjusted the blanket that covered them. Her skin was cold to the touch and her pulse rate roughly sixty beats per minute.
“Just a little while longer and I’m sure that help will arrive….the storm looks like it has passed. I bet the medevac is on its way here now to help.”
“You are such an amazing woman Doc…you are so strong…you’re the strongest woman I know,” John said as he put his hand over her heart, desperately needing to feel the faint constrictions it made against muscle and tissue as it pumped.
Suddenly, Marlena felt the sensation of fingers gently moving gently along her breastbone. Her mind relaxed at the sensation of the touch and she allowed herself to give into the comfort that she felt. Slowly the feeling moved up her chest to her neck and finally to her face. Someone was touching her in a very intimate and personal manner. Marlena panicked at the sensation of the touch, not understanding why she was being touched. “You are my life,” she faintly heard John saying. The sound of her own blood pumping drowned out his voice. She tried to concentrate as to what he was saying but could barely hear him. “…..my forever love.” She felt what she assumed were John’s hands move back down her neck to her torso. Intrinsically she knew that it was wrong for John to be touching her. He was her ex-husband, why was he touching her? She panicked at the sensation of his touch, trying to move her body but finding that it wouldn’t respond. She tried to open her mouth to scream but couldn’t make her muscles move. Did she have a spinal cord injury? Was that the reason for her paralysis? Slowly she attempted to open her eyes, but found that they too wouldn’t open. What the hell was wrong with her?
“…you should see the babies Doc…they are both little fighters. Noah is the little boy. He has black hair and blue eyes, but all babies have blue eyes, right. Rachel is our little girl, the spitting image of Belle. She’s going to be beautiful just like you. You have to hold on Doc…they both need you.” Marlena faintly heard John say. “What children?” she tried to ask him. “Who are Noah and Rachel?” She panicked once again and tried to move her body but found that it wouldn’t respond. She heard a baby crying. “Who are you?” she cried out to the baby, “Where are you?” She felt John’s finger tips move up and down her arm. The touch was so gentle and relaxing.
“You’re not going to die Doc…help will get here soon and you’ll be fine.” She felt tremendous pressure on her chest. Did she hear correctly? She was dying? Suddenly it became clear to her as to why she couldn’t move and he couldn’t hear what she was trying to say to him. She was dying.
She faintly heard what John was saying to her as a memory that was locked in her mind returned. “I always thought that the love you and I felt for each other could overcome anything…and I mean anything. But at the end of the day, they are only words, that’s all.” It was too painful. She didn’t want to remember, trying to shut the memories down. The sound of blood pumping in her ears slowly decreased to a much more manageable level.
“Marlena, if you make it through this, I swear things will be different…I want to make things right with you from the beginning…I’m willing to just be your friend if that’s what you need.” Marlena faintly heard John talking to her once again.
Marlena didn’t want things to be different and couldn’t understand what was happening to her. She tried to recall where she was and why, but couldn’t summon the energy to. She was tired and just wanted everything to stop. As her mind drifted further into unconsciousness, she heard John yelling at her and the baby crying.
“Goddammit Doc, you are going to stay with me,” he said as he felt her pulse becoming weaker. He shook her by the shoulders in desperation. The sound of the baby’s cries became louder and louder.
Marlena felt him touch her bare shoulders, as her mind retrieved another memory it had long since forgotten. “Doc, that night on the plane when you and I made love...you gave me life again, Doc. And if nothing more comes out of this, I just want to say thank you. If you want me to leave, I will. Is that what you want?” She relived the desperation on John’s face as he told her that. She felt his pain and his love. Could it be possible that he loved her as much as he said her had? Enough to let her go?
“Come back to me Doc,” John pleaded as he felt her pulse rate slowly increase. Was it possible that she was hearing what he was saying? He bent down and kissed her gently on the lips. Her lips were cold and pale in contrast to his.
As she felt John’s smooth lips against her own, she envisioned John telling her in an earlier time, “You’re the love of my life… don’t ever lose sight of that.” She panicked at the sensation, as the memory of John raping her returned. How was it possible for him to have done that knowing and feeling how loved she was by him? Was her memory wrong? She was so confused and tired, not trusting herself or her mind. She relived the memory and sensation of what he had done on an almost nightly basis. It had to be true, didn’t it?
John felt her heart rate slowly decrease and her breathing become shallow. He was losing her. “Doc whatever you’re remembering or thinking right now is wrong…I love you and need you…Never did I think that when we began this strange journey that it would come to this…You are not going to die so you’d better stop whatever is going on in your head…You’ve always been my anchor…Without you I am nothing. I need you dammit,” John screamed at her before he started crying. “Please don’t leave me Doc…I need you.”
“Doc, please come back to me,” John begged her as he kissed her on the lips once again. “Don’t you know how special you are…I love you more than life itself.” As his lips touched hers once again, the doubts Marlena had about John and his intentions and sincerity slowly faded.
“What we have transcends time Doc…someday we’ll be together…you are my forever love, don’t you know that?” John sobbed. He couldn’t lose her, not like this. What if she didn’t know how much he loved her? He rested his head on her chest, listening to the faint beat of her heart, needing to be close to her.
She felt the wetness of his tears on her skin. One by one, piece by piece, memories of her past with John returned. “Well, I’m counting on you… to stop worrying. And to remember, that I am just crazy in love with the man I married, and nobody could do anything to get me away from you… 'cause John Black you just are my obsession.” Marlena remembered saying to John one afternoon. What he had been saying was true, the love she felt for him was as great as if not more intense than the love he felt for her. She loved him.
“Doc, I love you,” John said simply as he kissed her lips once again. As his lips met hers, she tried to respond and kiss him back. “I’m here John, I’m here,” she tried to scream out to him. “Don’t leave me…I’m here.”
As John held Marlena in his arms he felt her pulse quicken. Astonished by what he was feeling, he took her pulse one again. Eighty-five beats per minute.
“Come on Doc, I feel such a connection to you right now, like you can hear me.” He reached down and placed his fingers gently on her chest. Her heart was beating steadily and seemed to be getting stronger.
“Come on Doc, you’re almost there…I can feel you Doc,” John said as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “I know you’re there and can hear me.” Marlena heard the sound of the baby’s cries becoming louder and louder. She felt a connection to the child that was crying and knew that she was not well. “Hang on my sweet baby,” she said to the crying infant. “Hang on for your daddy.”
Summoning an inner strength that she didn’t know she had, she slowly opened her mouth just enough to whisper, “Rachel.”
