Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:36:10 GMT -5
“John,” Marlena said with a shy smile on her face as she watched John walk into her hospital room carrying another bouquet of red roses. Marlena looked around the room, wondering where he was going to find room to put them. It seemed that every time he came into the room he was bearing gifts of red roses.
“How are you feeling honey?” John said as he approached the bed and handed the bouquet to her. “Eric, my man, good to see you.” John leaned over the bed and gave Eric a big hug.
“Good to see you too John…Thanks for flying us all up here so quickly,” Eric said, “It’s appreciated…look I’ll give you some time alone with mom since we all seem to be hogging it,” Eric said as he stood up from the bed and leaned down and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. “I’m going to go and visit my little brother and sister.”
John was looking at Marlena when Eric made his comment and did not miss the fact that she looked away with a look of sadness on her face when he mentioned the babies. John sat down on the bed next to Marlena and watched as Eric left the room, closing the door behind him.
“How are you feeling sweetheart?” John asked as he took her hand in his and kissed it lightly.
“I’m feeling better, now that you’re here,” Marlena said as she brought the roses to her nose and smelled them. “They smell wonderful John.”
“I’m glad you like them…I tried to find a rose as perfect as you are, but I guess it doesn't exist. I may have to call Victor up and see if he can commission a rose cultivator to grow one. But what color would it be?”
“John, you’re such a romantic,” Marlena said as she set the roses on her bedside table and closed her eyes. The painkillers that she’d been prescribed were making her extremely drowsy and somewhat disoriented. She wanted to tell John how she was feeling but didn’t want to add to his worries. He’d been hovering over her since she’d woken up after her surgery, reading through her medical chart on a daily basis. That alone made her extremely uncomfortable.
“Are you still having pain or does the morphine drip seem to help?” John said as he picked up her chart and glanced at the medication log.
“I asked them to turn it off yesterday…I didn’t like the feeling it gave me.”
“I assume they gave you something else for the pain?” John gave Marlena a concerned look as he calculated what she was taking and the amount of pain she was having. Due to her recent surgery a narcotic would be most effective against the pain.
“Yes, some pills…I really should be fine…that’s sweet of you for worrying about me,” Marlena said as she opened her eyes and forced a smile.
“I love you Marlena…of course I’d be worried about you,” John said as he set down her chart and took her hand in his.
“I know, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to be here with me.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, since we’re divorced, I’m just your ex-wife and technically not your obligation anymore,” Marlena said as she looked away in sadness. John had forgotten that little fact. Marlena still thought that the divorce went through. He was going to have to remember to call Mickey Horton in Salem and let him know all that was going on right now.
“You never were an obligation Marlena.”
“Thank you for saying that…I appreciate it, I really do. But, you don’t see Roman bringing me flowers everyday or Don Craig for that matter. As my ex-husband I don’t expect you to either.”
“What I feel for you goes way beyond what Roman or Don feel for you, believe me…. You are not an obligation. If I didn’t want to bring you flowers I wouldn’t.” John moved closer to Marlena and impulsively kissed her on the lips. She responded by opening her mouth wider and slowly moving her tongue against his. John grabbed her head and deepened the kiss. After several minutes of heavy kissing they finally separated.
“Woah…that was unexpected,” John muttered as he bent down and kissed Marlena again. She placed her arms around his neck and moved her body closer to his. John felt the pounding of Marlena’s heart against his chest. Marlena separated from the kiss this time and looked away in embarrassment. John was her ex-husband, she shouldn’t be kissing him like this and enjoying it so much.
“John, I never got to thank you for what you did for me at the cabin… I spoke with the OB on staff and he credits you with saving my life…. I can’t thank you enough… What you did was pretty phenomenal.” Marlena stared at his luscious lips desperately wanting to kiss him again.
“You’re welcome…I just did what any other person would have done. I’m sure that Roman or Alexie would have done the same thing if I wasn’t there.”
“I find that a little hard to believe,” Marlena said as she tried to picture Roman performing a cesarean on her.
“What’s so funny,” John asked, seeing the smile on Marlena’s face and a far away look in her eyes.
“I was just trying to picture Roman doing what you did. You may have faith that he could have done what you did, but I know the man….there is no way he could have done it. He is one of the most squeamish people I know. He has no problem poking around dead people, but when it comes to the living, its another matter.”
“You may be right…but I like to think that he could have overcome whatever aversion he has to blood and helped you out.”
“Maybe you’re right. Nonetheless, I’m glad to be alive and here in a hospital. Especially this one, it’s so nice and the view is just gorgeous. I wouldn’t mind working at a place like this…sure beats my office in Salem.”
“I’ve missed you so much Marlena, and I’m glad that you’re okay,” John said as he bent down and kissed her lips again. He couldn’t help himself. Being in her presence somehow made all the problems of the world go away. It was almost as if time stopped and that they were the only two people in the world.
“I’ve missed you to…I’m glad that everything is in the past and we can move on with our future,” Marlena said as she smiled up into his beautiful blue eyes. She hoped that he could see how much she still loved him.
“Which would be?” John knew that he still loved her more than anything, and was willing to fight for a relationship with Marlena, he just wasn’t sure about her feelings.
“You, me, a nice vacation somewhere warm.” Things were looking up, perhaps Marlena did envision a future for them together.
“Sounds lovely, where do you think we should go?”
“Caribbean maybe.”
“I could definitely do that,” John said as he pictured Marlena is a tasteful one-piece bathing suit. John missed the change in Marlena’s demeanor as he was envisioning a tropical vacation. Why was he sitting here with her acting like everything was fine, kissing her, giving her hope?
“I’m surprised that you are even talking to me right now, much less even wanting to go away on a vacation,” Marlena said as tears welled up in her eyes. “John, I’m sorry.” There it was again, the one word he’d wanted to hear for so long. But what was she sorry for?
“Don’t cry Marlena, you have nothing to be sorry for.” John always hated to see her cry.
“But I do…I’m sorry for everything I put you through this past year…I can’t believe that I actually thought you’d try to hurt me,” Marlena cried out as she pulled the thin hospital blanket up and over her chest and tried to put as much distance between her and John as possible.
“It okay Marlena...Its okay…your mind was just a little confused as to what was real and what wasn’t…I’m just glad that you don’t think that I’d do that to you.”
“You can’t say it, can you? John, I essentially accused you of raping me.” She couldn’t look at him; she didn’t want to see the pain that she’d caused him.
“But you know I didn’t and that’s all that matters to me now,” John said as he cupped her chin in his fingers and lifted her face so that he could see her eyes.
“I just want to get back to the way things were before and forget all this has happened,” Marlena whispered as tears fell from her lashes. How could they? Too much had happened.
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” John admitted. How could they act like nothing had happened? John was able to push the past aside when he needed to, but long term he wasn’t sure that he could.
“Don’t say that…please don’t say that…I know that I accused you of something awful, but I’m sorry John. I’m sorry.” John watched silently as Marlena’s small frame shook from her sobbing, not knowing how to make things right again and not knowing if he should.
“Marlena...”
“Please call me Doc…you always used to call me that,” she pleaded with him.
“Marlena…”
“Oh god, you can’t even call me that? Can you.” John couldn’t. He got up from the bed and walked over to the window. Doc was a term of endearment that should be used when one felt a sense of closeness to its owner. John didn’t feel that at all. He felt comfortable calling her Doc to Roman, but couldn’t seem to do it to her face. Somehow it didn’t seem natural to him. It seemed too forced. John felt on a deeper level that if he used that name it would be admitting that things were normal when they weren’t. Marlena was forcing a cheerful bravado to her children and to Roman. On the surface she seemed to be a happy well adjusted wife and mother. When she was with John it was another story. She was tearful, argumentative and stubborn. John felt a sense of desperation in her that he hadn’t felt in years. It was if she was desperate to hold onto him for some reason. He loved her and wanted a future with her, he just wasn’t sure how to make that happen, how to make things right.
“It’s no big deal honey…” Why was he playing along with the happy family charade?
“Then say it, call me Doc,” she pleaded with him, his back to her.
“Okay Doc,” John forced himself to say. “Has the psychiatrist been into see you today?” John asked as he turned around.
“No, why would he…I told you I’m fine.” Just like that, her tears stopped and she was back to her normal self. John looked at her quizzically, not seeing how her demeanor could change so suddenly.
“Honey, I know that….for my own piece of mind I’d appreciate if you’d at least talk to someone…please.”
“No.”
“Marlena.”
“No…don’t ask me again. I’m not going to talk to anyone. I don’t need to. I’m fine.” The stubborn Marlena, so out of touch with her own emotions, was back.
“Marlena.”
“No, I’m fine, I really am…I just need to go back to Salem, to my own home, my own friends…I’ll be okay…really I will be.” John couldn’t figure out who she was trying to convince that things were fine? Him or herself?
“Speaking of Salem, your doctors seem to think that tomorrow you’ll be well enough to be discharged to go home,” John said as he sat down in the chair next to her bed.
“That’s good news.” Marlena said as she looked out the window at the snow-covered mountains in the distance. She didn’t want to go home. She wanted John to take her somewhere far away where she could just be.
“I have a penthouse here in Anchorage that I’d like you to stay in before we return to Salem….that is, if you want to go there.”
“A penthouse in Anchorage?” Why didn’t that surprise her? He had a secret Greek isle and a lodge in the arctic wilderness….Why not a penthouse in Anchorage?
“Something I picked up as an investment a couple of years ago,” John started to explain.
“John honey, you don’t owe me any explanations…its okay.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this? If you’d rather stay in a hotel I could arrange that.”
“I’ll be fine John, really.”
“Well okay then…tomorrow when you’re discharged I’ll arrange for you to be driven there.”
“You won’t be coming with me?” Even though she had demanded the divorce, she was having regrets. She wanted and needed to be close to him. How could she have been so stupid to demand a divorce?
“No…I can’t leave the hospital,” John said, noticing the sad look on her face.
“Why not?”
“The babies Doc…the babies.”
“What about them?” Marlena asked as she looked away.
“Doc, they are our children…I can’t leave them alone in the hospital.”
“There are enough medical personnel here that I’m sure that they will be fine for a couple of hours.” Why was everything about them? She didn’t want to think about them.
“Marlena, they aren’t strong enough for me to leave them right now…I need to be here in case something happens.”
“They can page you then or call you on your cell phone…you don’t have to be here all the time, its not healthy.”
“Honey, it’s not the same…I’d feel better if I were here.”
“I don’t see what all the fuss is…I’m sure they’ll be fine…You’ve probably arranged for the best medical care money can buy.” Marlena stared blankly out the window. Even though it was only three in the afternoon, the sun was starting to set.
This was worse than John thought. “Marlena honey, those two precious babies up in the NICU are fighting for their lives and they are our children, just as much as Belle is. Those two babies are a part of both of us and they need us…I really think you ought to at least go and see them.”
“I told you no…I don’t want to see them.”
“I understand if you aren’t ready to go and see them so I took some pictures for you to look at,” John said as he reached into his back pocket and took out two Polaroid pictures that a NICU nurse had taken for John. John placed the pictures in Marlena’s hands.
“NO,” Marlena yelled as she threw the pictures across the room. “Stop trying to manipulate me John. I told you before that I don’t want to see those babies and that includes looking at pictures of them. Please stop mentioning them to me and trying to get me to talk about them.”
John sat and stared at Marlena stunned. How could she be so cold and heartless and to not even being curious at to what her children looked like or how they were.
“Honey, I don’t want to upset you, both those are our babies up there. Ours. So far I’ve made all the medical decisions for them and can continue to do so if that’s what you want, but you need to let me know…I can’t continue on guessing.” John got up from her chair and picked up the pictures from the floor and set them on her bedside table.
“I don’t want to talk about it, about them…you do whatever you feel is right.”
“How can you be so callous about this? These are your children…don’t you want to see them?” John asked as he sat back down in the chair.
“No…please stop talking about them. You go and visit, I don’t want to,” Marlena said stubbornly as she crossed her hands over her chest and turned her head to the side so that John couldn’t see her.
“Marlena, you don’t mean that,” John said as he took her face gently in his hands.
“I do…I don’t want to see them…I don’t…please don’t try to force me to or think that by mentioning it over and over again that I’m going to change my mind, because I’m not.” Marlena still refused to look at him, but John noticed that her resolve was not the same.
“Why? Why don’t you want to see them?” John asked, trying to force the issue.
“You feel some type of bond with them and that’s fine, but I don’t…I wish that I did, but I don’t.” Slowly her heart was breaking and Marlena didn’t know how to stop it.
“I’m sorry for that…I really am…in time I fear that you will regret your decision,” John said as he let go of her chin and sat back in his chair.
“It’s my decision to regret, not yours.… Look I don’t want to fight with you over this, I don’t.” She just wanted things to get back to normal. Was that too much to ask?
“I don’t want to fight either…but those are our children up there, ours…try as you may to deny it…those are your children Marlena, yours.”
Marlena closed her eyes tightly and wished that John would just go away.
“I don’t care,” she whispered. Better to hurt than to be the one hurt, her father always used to tell her.
“You don’t care? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” John looked pensively at her for some sign of emotion. There was none.
“You heard me, I don’t care.”
“You don’t care that there are two babies up in the NICU that are in critical condition? You don’t care that you are their mother? You don’t fucking care that they may die and you will never even have seen them or shown once ounce of compassion for them? What the hell does ‘I don’t care’ mean Marlena? I’m having a little bit of a hard time understanding?”
“I don’t care means I don’t care,” Marlena said harshly to John. He stood up from his chair abruptly and moved to the door.
“Who the hell have you become? I feel like I’m fucking talking to a stranger right now. The Marlena I know would never have such disregard for anyone’s life. I don’t think I like who you’ve become,” John said with sadness in his voice as he left her hospital room.
Marlena waited until he closed the door behind him before she allowed her tears to fall.
“I don’t know or like who I am anymore either John,” Marlena whispered as she slowly picked up the pictures of her children that John had left on her bedside table and clutched them to her chest.
“How are you feeling honey?” John said as he approached the bed and handed the bouquet to her. “Eric, my man, good to see you.” John leaned over the bed and gave Eric a big hug.
“Good to see you too John…Thanks for flying us all up here so quickly,” Eric said, “It’s appreciated…look I’ll give you some time alone with mom since we all seem to be hogging it,” Eric said as he stood up from the bed and leaned down and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. “I’m going to go and visit my little brother and sister.”
John was looking at Marlena when Eric made his comment and did not miss the fact that she looked away with a look of sadness on her face when he mentioned the babies. John sat down on the bed next to Marlena and watched as Eric left the room, closing the door behind him.
“How are you feeling sweetheart?” John asked as he took her hand in his and kissed it lightly.
“I’m feeling better, now that you’re here,” Marlena said as she brought the roses to her nose and smelled them. “They smell wonderful John.”
“I’m glad you like them…I tried to find a rose as perfect as you are, but I guess it doesn't exist. I may have to call Victor up and see if he can commission a rose cultivator to grow one. But what color would it be?”
“John, you’re such a romantic,” Marlena said as she set the roses on her bedside table and closed her eyes. The painkillers that she’d been prescribed were making her extremely drowsy and somewhat disoriented. She wanted to tell John how she was feeling but didn’t want to add to his worries. He’d been hovering over her since she’d woken up after her surgery, reading through her medical chart on a daily basis. That alone made her extremely uncomfortable.
“Are you still having pain or does the morphine drip seem to help?” John said as he picked up her chart and glanced at the medication log.
“I asked them to turn it off yesterday…I didn’t like the feeling it gave me.”
“I assume they gave you something else for the pain?” John gave Marlena a concerned look as he calculated what she was taking and the amount of pain she was having. Due to her recent surgery a narcotic would be most effective against the pain.
“Yes, some pills…I really should be fine…that’s sweet of you for worrying about me,” Marlena said as she opened her eyes and forced a smile.
“I love you Marlena…of course I’d be worried about you,” John said as he set down her chart and took her hand in his.
“I know, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to be here with me.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, since we’re divorced, I’m just your ex-wife and technically not your obligation anymore,” Marlena said as she looked away in sadness. John had forgotten that little fact. Marlena still thought that the divorce went through. He was going to have to remember to call Mickey Horton in Salem and let him know all that was going on right now.
“You never were an obligation Marlena.”
“Thank you for saying that…I appreciate it, I really do. But, you don’t see Roman bringing me flowers everyday or Don Craig for that matter. As my ex-husband I don’t expect you to either.”
“What I feel for you goes way beyond what Roman or Don feel for you, believe me…. You are not an obligation. If I didn’t want to bring you flowers I wouldn’t.” John moved closer to Marlena and impulsively kissed her on the lips. She responded by opening her mouth wider and slowly moving her tongue against his. John grabbed her head and deepened the kiss. After several minutes of heavy kissing they finally separated.
“Woah…that was unexpected,” John muttered as he bent down and kissed Marlena again. She placed her arms around his neck and moved her body closer to his. John felt the pounding of Marlena’s heart against his chest. Marlena separated from the kiss this time and looked away in embarrassment. John was her ex-husband, she shouldn’t be kissing him like this and enjoying it so much.
“John, I never got to thank you for what you did for me at the cabin… I spoke with the OB on staff and he credits you with saving my life…. I can’t thank you enough… What you did was pretty phenomenal.” Marlena stared at his luscious lips desperately wanting to kiss him again.
“You’re welcome…I just did what any other person would have done. I’m sure that Roman or Alexie would have done the same thing if I wasn’t there.”
“I find that a little hard to believe,” Marlena said as she tried to picture Roman performing a cesarean on her.
“What’s so funny,” John asked, seeing the smile on Marlena’s face and a far away look in her eyes.
“I was just trying to picture Roman doing what you did. You may have faith that he could have done what you did, but I know the man….there is no way he could have done it. He is one of the most squeamish people I know. He has no problem poking around dead people, but when it comes to the living, its another matter.”
“You may be right…but I like to think that he could have overcome whatever aversion he has to blood and helped you out.”
“Maybe you’re right. Nonetheless, I’m glad to be alive and here in a hospital. Especially this one, it’s so nice and the view is just gorgeous. I wouldn’t mind working at a place like this…sure beats my office in Salem.”
“I’ve missed you so much Marlena, and I’m glad that you’re okay,” John said as he bent down and kissed her lips again. He couldn’t help himself. Being in her presence somehow made all the problems of the world go away. It was almost as if time stopped and that they were the only two people in the world.
“I’ve missed you to…I’m glad that everything is in the past and we can move on with our future,” Marlena said as she smiled up into his beautiful blue eyes. She hoped that he could see how much she still loved him.
“Which would be?” John knew that he still loved her more than anything, and was willing to fight for a relationship with Marlena, he just wasn’t sure about her feelings.
“You, me, a nice vacation somewhere warm.” Things were looking up, perhaps Marlena did envision a future for them together.
“Sounds lovely, where do you think we should go?”
“Caribbean maybe.”
“I could definitely do that,” John said as he pictured Marlena is a tasteful one-piece bathing suit. John missed the change in Marlena’s demeanor as he was envisioning a tropical vacation. Why was he sitting here with her acting like everything was fine, kissing her, giving her hope?
“I’m surprised that you are even talking to me right now, much less even wanting to go away on a vacation,” Marlena said as tears welled up in her eyes. “John, I’m sorry.” There it was again, the one word he’d wanted to hear for so long. But what was she sorry for?
“Don’t cry Marlena, you have nothing to be sorry for.” John always hated to see her cry.
“But I do…I’m sorry for everything I put you through this past year…I can’t believe that I actually thought you’d try to hurt me,” Marlena cried out as she pulled the thin hospital blanket up and over her chest and tried to put as much distance between her and John as possible.
“It okay Marlena...Its okay…your mind was just a little confused as to what was real and what wasn’t…I’m just glad that you don’t think that I’d do that to you.”
“You can’t say it, can you? John, I essentially accused you of raping me.” She couldn’t look at him; she didn’t want to see the pain that she’d caused him.
“But you know I didn’t and that’s all that matters to me now,” John said as he cupped her chin in his fingers and lifted her face so that he could see her eyes.
“I just want to get back to the way things were before and forget all this has happened,” Marlena whispered as tears fell from her lashes. How could they? Too much had happened.
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” John admitted. How could they act like nothing had happened? John was able to push the past aside when he needed to, but long term he wasn’t sure that he could.
“Don’t say that…please don’t say that…I know that I accused you of something awful, but I’m sorry John. I’m sorry.” John watched silently as Marlena’s small frame shook from her sobbing, not knowing how to make things right again and not knowing if he should.
“Marlena...”
“Please call me Doc…you always used to call me that,” she pleaded with him.
“Marlena…”
“Oh god, you can’t even call me that? Can you.” John couldn’t. He got up from the bed and walked over to the window. Doc was a term of endearment that should be used when one felt a sense of closeness to its owner. John didn’t feel that at all. He felt comfortable calling her Doc to Roman, but couldn’t seem to do it to her face. Somehow it didn’t seem natural to him. It seemed too forced. John felt on a deeper level that if he used that name it would be admitting that things were normal when they weren’t. Marlena was forcing a cheerful bravado to her children and to Roman. On the surface she seemed to be a happy well adjusted wife and mother. When she was with John it was another story. She was tearful, argumentative and stubborn. John felt a sense of desperation in her that he hadn’t felt in years. It was if she was desperate to hold onto him for some reason. He loved her and wanted a future with her, he just wasn’t sure how to make that happen, how to make things right.
“It’s no big deal honey…” Why was he playing along with the happy family charade?
“Then say it, call me Doc,” she pleaded with him, his back to her.
“Okay Doc,” John forced himself to say. “Has the psychiatrist been into see you today?” John asked as he turned around.
“No, why would he…I told you I’m fine.” Just like that, her tears stopped and she was back to her normal self. John looked at her quizzically, not seeing how her demeanor could change so suddenly.
“Honey, I know that….for my own piece of mind I’d appreciate if you’d at least talk to someone…please.”
“No.”
“Marlena.”
“No…don’t ask me again. I’m not going to talk to anyone. I don’t need to. I’m fine.” The stubborn Marlena, so out of touch with her own emotions, was back.
“Marlena.”
“No, I’m fine, I really am…I just need to go back to Salem, to my own home, my own friends…I’ll be okay…really I will be.” John couldn’t figure out who she was trying to convince that things were fine? Him or herself?
“Speaking of Salem, your doctors seem to think that tomorrow you’ll be well enough to be discharged to go home,” John said as he sat down in the chair next to her bed.
“That’s good news.” Marlena said as she looked out the window at the snow-covered mountains in the distance. She didn’t want to go home. She wanted John to take her somewhere far away where she could just be.
“I have a penthouse here in Anchorage that I’d like you to stay in before we return to Salem….that is, if you want to go there.”
“A penthouse in Anchorage?” Why didn’t that surprise her? He had a secret Greek isle and a lodge in the arctic wilderness….Why not a penthouse in Anchorage?
“Something I picked up as an investment a couple of years ago,” John started to explain.
“John honey, you don’t owe me any explanations…its okay.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this? If you’d rather stay in a hotel I could arrange that.”
“I’ll be fine John, really.”
“Well okay then…tomorrow when you’re discharged I’ll arrange for you to be driven there.”
“You won’t be coming with me?” Even though she had demanded the divorce, she was having regrets. She wanted and needed to be close to him. How could she have been so stupid to demand a divorce?
“No…I can’t leave the hospital,” John said, noticing the sad look on her face.
“Why not?”
“The babies Doc…the babies.”
“What about them?” Marlena asked as she looked away.
“Doc, they are our children…I can’t leave them alone in the hospital.”
“There are enough medical personnel here that I’m sure that they will be fine for a couple of hours.” Why was everything about them? She didn’t want to think about them.
“Marlena, they aren’t strong enough for me to leave them right now…I need to be here in case something happens.”
“They can page you then or call you on your cell phone…you don’t have to be here all the time, its not healthy.”
“Honey, it’s not the same…I’d feel better if I were here.”
“I don’t see what all the fuss is…I’m sure they’ll be fine…You’ve probably arranged for the best medical care money can buy.” Marlena stared blankly out the window. Even though it was only three in the afternoon, the sun was starting to set.
This was worse than John thought. “Marlena honey, those two precious babies up in the NICU are fighting for their lives and they are our children, just as much as Belle is. Those two babies are a part of both of us and they need us…I really think you ought to at least go and see them.”
“I told you no…I don’t want to see them.”
“I understand if you aren’t ready to go and see them so I took some pictures for you to look at,” John said as he reached into his back pocket and took out two Polaroid pictures that a NICU nurse had taken for John. John placed the pictures in Marlena’s hands.
“NO,” Marlena yelled as she threw the pictures across the room. “Stop trying to manipulate me John. I told you before that I don’t want to see those babies and that includes looking at pictures of them. Please stop mentioning them to me and trying to get me to talk about them.”
John sat and stared at Marlena stunned. How could she be so cold and heartless and to not even being curious at to what her children looked like or how they were.
“Honey, I don’t want to upset you, both those are our babies up there. Ours. So far I’ve made all the medical decisions for them and can continue to do so if that’s what you want, but you need to let me know…I can’t continue on guessing.” John got up from her chair and picked up the pictures from the floor and set them on her bedside table.
“I don’t want to talk about it, about them…you do whatever you feel is right.”
“How can you be so callous about this? These are your children…don’t you want to see them?” John asked as he sat back down in the chair.
“No…please stop talking about them. You go and visit, I don’t want to,” Marlena said stubbornly as she crossed her hands over her chest and turned her head to the side so that John couldn’t see her.
“Marlena, you don’t mean that,” John said as he took her face gently in his hands.
“I do…I don’t want to see them…I don’t…please don’t try to force me to or think that by mentioning it over and over again that I’m going to change my mind, because I’m not.” Marlena still refused to look at him, but John noticed that her resolve was not the same.
“Why? Why don’t you want to see them?” John asked, trying to force the issue.
“You feel some type of bond with them and that’s fine, but I don’t…I wish that I did, but I don’t.” Slowly her heart was breaking and Marlena didn’t know how to stop it.
“I’m sorry for that…I really am…in time I fear that you will regret your decision,” John said as he let go of her chin and sat back in his chair.
“It’s my decision to regret, not yours.… Look I don’t want to fight with you over this, I don’t.” She just wanted things to get back to normal. Was that too much to ask?
“I don’t want to fight either…but those are our children up there, ours…try as you may to deny it…those are your children Marlena, yours.”
Marlena closed her eyes tightly and wished that John would just go away.
“I don’t care,” she whispered. Better to hurt than to be the one hurt, her father always used to tell her.
“You don’t care? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” John looked pensively at her for some sign of emotion. There was none.
“You heard me, I don’t care.”
“You don’t care that there are two babies up in the NICU that are in critical condition? You don’t care that you are their mother? You don’t fucking care that they may die and you will never even have seen them or shown once ounce of compassion for them? What the hell does ‘I don’t care’ mean Marlena? I’m having a little bit of a hard time understanding?”
“I don’t care means I don’t care,” Marlena said harshly to John. He stood up from his chair abruptly and moved to the door.
“Who the hell have you become? I feel like I’m fucking talking to a stranger right now. The Marlena I know would never have such disregard for anyone’s life. I don’t think I like who you’ve become,” John said with sadness in his voice as he left her hospital room.
Marlena waited until he closed the door behind him before she allowed her tears to fall.
“I don’t know or like who I am anymore either John,” Marlena whispered as she slowly picked up the pictures of her children that John had left on her bedside table and clutched them to her chest.
