Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:36:58 GMT -5
“Doc, I just saw John leave and he looked mad…care to tell me what’s wrong?” Roman asked as he sat on the bed next to Marlena.
“Everything,” Marlena admitted as her hazel eyes welled up with tears. “Everything is wrong…I’m trying to make things right but I can’t seem to…Nothing comes out right when I try to explain how I feel to John… We just end up arguing.”
“Maybe that’s the problem Doc…sometimes you just can’t make things right, they need to right themselves.”
“I know that on some level…I really do….I’m just so scared that with everything that’s happened with John that I’m losing him….I can’t lose him Roman…I can’t. I wish to God that I still had my amnesia as an excuse…I wish to god that I could wake up from this nightmare that I’ve created, me, no one else, and find everything right in the universe…But I can’t, I can’t, and that hurts me more than anyone will ever know. At the end of the day when I close my eyes, I see every hurtful and manipulative thing that I have ever done and there is no one or no thing that I can blame it on. John is going to leave me…I know it Roman….I can’t lose him…he’s all I have.”
“Doc, it’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” Roman said as he patted Marlena on the arm, trying to comfort her. “What’s happened is not the end of the world…it may feel that way to you now, but its not.”
“He’s going to leave me…I was dumb enough to demand a divorce and got what I wanted…I have nothing that ties me to him now, nothing…Belle is grown…why should he stay with me?”
“Love.” And two babies that needed both of their parents, Roman thought.
“It’s not enough…you know that from our history. Whoever said that love could overcome anything was a liar…love just causes complications,” Marlena said as she wiped the tears from her eyes and quietly looked out the window.
“When did you become such a pessimist Doc…you used to believe in love.”
“I had my heart broken one too many times.” Three divorces to three extraordinary men: Don, Roman and now John. When would she be able to find the happiness and stability that she desperately craved her whole life? Was she cursed like her father so often told her she was?
“Come on Doc, its not like you to be one to give up so easily.”
“I guess I’m just tired of it all.” Memories of her father drifted to the surface. “You’ll never be good enough” he screamed at her as he hit her with his belt. “You’ll always be a piece of nothing…don’t know why you’re even bothering to study…you’ll never amount to anything,” he said as he slapped her across the face. Marlena shook her head to stop more memories from rising to the surface.
“Define tired,” Roman said as he observed a far away look in her eyes. She used to get quiet and have that look early in their marriage. He always suspected that she was running from something, just not what or who.
“Tired of caring…tired of being hurt…tired of being disappointed…tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed…tired of loving someone so much and knowing that that my love won’t be returned.” Marlena brought her hands up to her face and cried quietly.
“Mar, I don’t like seeing you so defeated…I’m sure things aren’t as bad as you think they are,” Roman said as he reached out and rubbed her back, letting her cry.
“Because they’re worse…how many years have John and I fought so hard to be together? I love him so much Roman…and I’m terrified of losing him.”
“Why are you so terrified Doc?”
“Because without him I have nothing.”
“That’s not true Mar…John Black doesn’t define who you are.”
“I know that…I really do. I don’t mean to sound like one of those desperate women you see on daytime talk shows who are trying to keep their man…that’s not me,” Marlena said trying to make light of the situation.
“Have you told him how you feel?”
“No, I can’t…I told you that…Every time I open my mouth, it all comes out wrong…Earlier today when he came to see me he kissed me Roman…it was so amazing, like nothing had changed, but by the end of the conversation he was mad as hell at me.”
“Maybe you’re trying too hard.”
“Trying too hard to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be with me anymore… maybe all that’s left is this amazing physical attraction we feel for one another…you can’t build a life on that.”
“Maybe, but that’s a conclusion you both need to come to together…Don’t make the mistake of assuming that you know what John is feeling right now…You need to ask him.”
“Have you and John talked about my relationship with him?” Marlena asked, hopeful for the first time since she woke up that she would have some clear direction as to what he was thinking and feeling.
“Not specifically…he’s worried about you…we all are. He has the added burden of worrying about the babies to.”
“He hates me because I won’t go see them.”
“He doesn’t hate you, he just doesn’t understand your reasoning for not wanting to see your own children.”
“Why should I see them? Why? I’ve heard what the doctors have said…I’ve read their charts….I know what the inevitable is. They are both going to die and its all my fault.”
“You don’t know that they’re going to die.”
“Would you like for me to site the medical reasoning for why they shouldn’t make it…do you even know the odds of them making it through the first year without any mental or physical disabilities? Do you? The odds are not in their favor.”
“So, that doesn’t mean that there’s no chance…They could get lucky and be just fine and then what are you going to do? Deny that you have children? Wait until they’re three or four years old and when things look good decide to be a mother to them then?”
“I don’t know Roman, I don’t know…I haven’t thought that far ahead.” She wanted to end this conversation. She wasn’t comfortable with the pressure he was putting on her to make a decision and do something.
“Well you need to Doc and you need to stop this pessimistic ‘they are going to die’ line of thinking. It’s not healthy and it sure as hell isn’t helping things with John. I can tell you that if you pulled this shit on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as calm and understanding as John is. Your family is here and is up there with those babies right now Doc…We all have hope that they will both pull through. You don’t see us debating when and how they could die. No, we’re all up there routing for them, something that you as their mother should also be doing.”
To Marlena everything always came down to this one issue, she was not and could never be as good as those around her. “I’m not like you Roman….I can’t be like you…You are what’s true and good in the universe. You have two loving parents, great siblings, nieces and nephews…I don’t…I get to pretend and try to create what comes to you naturally. I envy that. I want that, but as hard as I try I know that I never will… I tried to create that with John but look what a mess I made of it…I committed adultery with you at the castle. Regardless of the reasons and what I try to tell myself, I knew that it was wrong when I did it. I destroyed yet another marriage.”
“Marlena, I’m not some perfect person. I committed adultery right along with you. In case you forgot I’ve also been divorced twice.”
“Yes, but when you divorced me, it was my fault because I cheated on you with John…see I’m doomed, doomed to a life of misery…. Why can’t I just find happiness and stick with it? Why can’t I be more like you?”
“You are a good person Marlena…. You are not your past, you know that. How many times have I heard you counsel people who have had troubled pasts? You’ve helped thousands of people overcome what life has handed them.”
“That’s different, at work I can separate myself. I’m not me when I’m at work…What I do is what I’m trained to do…I can easily separate myself and give good advice.”
“I find it hard to believe that you can easily turn yourself on and off like that… I think you’re more like that than you realize.”
“You don’t get it…I’m not that person…I’m a fake.”
“You are not a fake…you are a wonderful, loving and kind woman.”
“I’m not Roman,” Marlena said shaking her head. Visions of her adulterous relationships with John and Roman popped into her head. All the bad and self-destructive things she had done over the years came to mind. No wonder Sami’s life was a mess. She didn’t have much of a mother figure to look up to.
“Why do you do this to yourself Marlena?”
“It’s in my genes I guess.” A memory of her father popped into her head. “No matter how far you try to run away from here Julie, I’ll always been with you…My blood and genes run though you…. Don’t you ever forget it.” Marlena instinctively closed her eyes to keep the memories from returning. She felt the bile rising in her throat.
“I refuse to believe that…where is all of this self doubt coming from?”
“Don’t mind me, I’m just having a bad day. I’m sure that things will be fine. I probably just need a little fresh air and to get out of this hospital…Don’t worry about me.” Just like that Marlena’s attitude changed from one of pessimism to something else.
Roman looked at Marlena skeptically. “Marlie, we used to be so close…I could read you so easily in the past…please don’t shut me out. You know I’d never judge you for what you are thinking or feeling. I don’t want you to think that you’re alone in this world and that no one understands you.”
Marlena’s eyes welled up with tears. She hated that Roman knew her so well and sensed her weaknesses. “I don’t want to do this Roman…It’s too painful for me.”
Roman took Marlena in his arms and held her as she cried tears for unknown demons that she wouldn’t or couldn’t discuss. “I have single handedly managed to alienate everyone that I’m close to and can’t seem to stop. I’m grateful that you’re here Roman.” She wished that it were John that was holding her and comforting her, not Roman. Why couldn’t she be honest with John and tell him how she was feeling? Was it because somehow he didn’t feel the same connection to her? Was he trying to pull away from her slowly? Roman could read her so well, why couldn’t John? Not knowing only added to Marlena’s self doubt.
“Mar, things will get better…you just need to be open to what you’re feeling and stop trying to hide your feelings and saying what you think we want to hear.”
“Every time I do, I seem to be criticized for it. I told John what I felt and he walked out of here mad. I just can’t win. I’m sure that when I get out of here things will be better.”
“I can’t begin to pretend what either of you are going through right now and won’t try to but know that I’m here and supportive of you and your decisions.”
“Thanks Roman. It’s comforting to know that at least I have one friend. Everyone else is going to think I’m awful once everything comes out in Salem. Maybe I shouldn’t return.”
“And what’s that going to solve?”
“Nothing, but I won’t have to live with the stares and the comments. I can be who I want to be… If I go back to Salem everyone’s going to know that it’s my fault that those babies are like that. My fault.”
“It’s not your fault Mar, you didn’t know that you would go into premature labor in the middle of nowhere…You had no control over that.”
“That’s where you’re wrong...I had all the control… I didn’t fucking want to be pregnant in the first place and I cursed those kids,” Marlena blurted out.
“I’m sure that the pregnancy was a shock to you, especially since you didn’t know for sure that John was the father, but saying that you cursed those babies is a little harsh.” Why did she think it was her fault, Roman wondered?
“Do you know how many times I wished that I’d accidentally fall down the stairs and miscarry.” Roman looked at Marlena with a look of shock on his face. Better to hurt than to be hurt.
“I cannot believe that you just said that,” Roman muttered as he got up from the bed and went to the door. He wanted honesty from her, he just didn’t realize the extent of it. Internally he started to question her miscarriage of his baby over a year ago. Was that wished for and planned? Who the hell had she become?
“Don’t leave Roman, please don’t leave…I didn’t mean that… I didn’t.” She hadn’t meant for the statement to come out that harsh. Once again, she learned a painful lesson as to what true honesty beget, more pain and heartache. Just like her father always told her, no one really wants honestly, they say that they do, but once you give it to them, they use it to hurt you. Better to lie and to hurt than to be hurt.
“I think you did…I think for once in a long time you’ve finally been honest with your feelings.”
“Roman, I’m sorry.”
“I’ll talk to you later,” Roman said as he left the room and closed the door behind him.
“Everything,” Marlena admitted as her hazel eyes welled up with tears. “Everything is wrong…I’m trying to make things right but I can’t seem to…Nothing comes out right when I try to explain how I feel to John… We just end up arguing.”
“Maybe that’s the problem Doc…sometimes you just can’t make things right, they need to right themselves.”
“I know that on some level…I really do….I’m just so scared that with everything that’s happened with John that I’m losing him….I can’t lose him Roman…I can’t. I wish to God that I still had my amnesia as an excuse…I wish to god that I could wake up from this nightmare that I’ve created, me, no one else, and find everything right in the universe…But I can’t, I can’t, and that hurts me more than anyone will ever know. At the end of the day when I close my eyes, I see every hurtful and manipulative thing that I have ever done and there is no one or no thing that I can blame it on. John is going to leave me…I know it Roman….I can’t lose him…he’s all I have.”
“Doc, it’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” Roman said as he patted Marlena on the arm, trying to comfort her. “What’s happened is not the end of the world…it may feel that way to you now, but its not.”
“He’s going to leave me…I was dumb enough to demand a divorce and got what I wanted…I have nothing that ties me to him now, nothing…Belle is grown…why should he stay with me?”
“Love.” And two babies that needed both of their parents, Roman thought.
“It’s not enough…you know that from our history. Whoever said that love could overcome anything was a liar…love just causes complications,” Marlena said as she wiped the tears from her eyes and quietly looked out the window.
“When did you become such a pessimist Doc…you used to believe in love.”
“I had my heart broken one too many times.” Three divorces to three extraordinary men: Don, Roman and now John. When would she be able to find the happiness and stability that she desperately craved her whole life? Was she cursed like her father so often told her she was?
“Come on Doc, its not like you to be one to give up so easily.”
“I guess I’m just tired of it all.” Memories of her father drifted to the surface. “You’ll never be good enough” he screamed at her as he hit her with his belt. “You’ll always be a piece of nothing…don’t know why you’re even bothering to study…you’ll never amount to anything,” he said as he slapped her across the face. Marlena shook her head to stop more memories from rising to the surface.
“Define tired,” Roman said as he observed a far away look in her eyes. She used to get quiet and have that look early in their marriage. He always suspected that she was running from something, just not what or who.
“Tired of caring…tired of being hurt…tired of being disappointed…tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed…tired of loving someone so much and knowing that that my love won’t be returned.” Marlena brought her hands up to her face and cried quietly.
“Mar, I don’t like seeing you so defeated…I’m sure things aren’t as bad as you think they are,” Roman said as he reached out and rubbed her back, letting her cry.
“Because they’re worse…how many years have John and I fought so hard to be together? I love him so much Roman…and I’m terrified of losing him.”
“Why are you so terrified Doc?”
“Because without him I have nothing.”
“That’s not true Mar…John Black doesn’t define who you are.”
“I know that…I really do. I don’t mean to sound like one of those desperate women you see on daytime talk shows who are trying to keep their man…that’s not me,” Marlena said trying to make light of the situation.
“Have you told him how you feel?”
“No, I can’t…I told you that…Every time I open my mouth, it all comes out wrong…Earlier today when he came to see me he kissed me Roman…it was so amazing, like nothing had changed, but by the end of the conversation he was mad as hell at me.”
“Maybe you’re trying too hard.”
“Trying too hard to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be with me anymore… maybe all that’s left is this amazing physical attraction we feel for one another…you can’t build a life on that.”
“Maybe, but that’s a conclusion you both need to come to together…Don’t make the mistake of assuming that you know what John is feeling right now…You need to ask him.”
“Have you and John talked about my relationship with him?” Marlena asked, hopeful for the first time since she woke up that she would have some clear direction as to what he was thinking and feeling.
“Not specifically…he’s worried about you…we all are. He has the added burden of worrying about the babies to.”
“He hates me because I won’t go see them.”
“He doesn’t hate you, he just doesn’t understand your reasoning for not wanting to see your own children.”
“Why should I see them? Why? I’ve heard what the doctors have said…I’ve read their charts….I know what the inevitable is. They are both going to die and its all my fault.”
“You don’t know that they’re going to die.”
“Would you like for me to site the medical reasoning for why they shouldn’t make it…do you even know the odds of them making it through the first year without any mental or physical disabilities? Do you? The odds are not in their favor.”
“So, that doesn’t mean that there’s no chance…They could get lucky and be just fine and then what are you going to do? Deny that you have children? Wait until they’re three or four years old and when things look good decide to be a mother to them then?”
“I don’t know Roman, I don’t know…I haven’t thought that far ahead.” She wanted to end this conversation. She wasn’t comfortable with the pressure he was putting on her to make a decision and do something.
“Well you need to Doc and you need to stop this pessimistic ‘they are going to die’ line of thinking. It’s not healthy and it sure as hell isn’t helping things with John. I can tell you that if you pulled this shit on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as calm and understanding as John is. Your family is here and is up there with those babies right now Doc…We all have hope that they will both pull through. You don’t see us debating when and how they could die. No, we’re all up there routing for them, something that you as their mother should also be doing.”
To Marlena everything always came down to this one issue, she was not and could never be as good as those around her. “I’m not like you Roman….I can’t be like you…You are what’s true and good in the universe. You have two loving parents, great siblings, nieces and nephews…I don’t…I get to pretend and try to create what comes to you naturally. I envy that. I want that, but as hard as I try I know that I never will… I tried to create that with John but look what a mess I made of it…I committed adultery with you at the castle. Regardless of the reasons and what I try to tell myself, I knew that it was wrong when I did it. I destroyed yet another marriage.”
“Marlena, I’m not some perfect person. I committed adultery right along with you. In case you forgot I’ve also been divorced twice.”
“Yes, but when you divorced me, it was my fault because I cheated on you with John…see I’m doomed, doomed to a life of misery…. Why can’t I just find happiness and stick with it? Why can’t I be more like you?”
“You are a good person Marlena…. You are not your past, you know that. How many times have I heard you counsel people who have had troubled pasts? You’ve helped thousands of people overcome what life has handed them.”
“That’s different, at work I can separate myself. I’m not me when I’m at work…What I do is what I’m trained to do…I can easily separate myself and give good advice.”
“I find it hard to believe that you can easily turn yourself on and off like that… I think you’re more like that than you realize.”
“You don’t get it…I’m not that person…I’m a fake.”
“You are not a fake…you are a wonderful, loving and kind woman.”
“I’m not Roman,” Marlena said shaking her head. Visions of her adulterous relationships with John and Roman popped into her head. All the bad and self-destructive things she had done over the years came to mind. No wonder Sami’s life was a mess. She didn’t have much of a mother figure to look up to.
“Why do you do this to yourself Marlena?”
“It’s in my genes I guess.” A memory of her father popped into her head. “No matter how far you try to run away from here Julie, I’ll always been with you…My blood and genes run though you…. Don’t you ever forget it.” Marlena instinctively closed her eyes to keep the memories from returning. She felt the bile rising in her throat.
“I refuse to believe that…where is all of this self doubt coming from?”
“Don’t mind me, I’m just having a bad day. I’m sure that things will be fine. I probably just need a little fresh air and to get out of this hospital…Don’t worry about me.” Just like that Marlena’s attitude changed from one of pessimism to something else.
Roman looked at Marlena skeptically. “Marlie, we used to be so close…I could read you so easily in the past…please don’t shut me out. You know I’d never judge you for what you are thinking or feeling. I don’t want you to think that you’re alone in this world and that no one understands you.”
Marlena’s eyes welled up with tears. She hated that Roman knew her so well and sensed her weaknesses. “I don’t want to do this Roman…It’s too painful for me.”
Roman took Marlena in his arms and held her as she cried tears for unknown demons that she wouldn’t or couldn’t discuss. “I have single handedly managed to alienate everyone that I’m close to and can’t seem to stop. I’m grateful that you’re here Roman.” She wished that it were John that was holding her and comforting her, not Roman. Why couldn’t she be honest with John and tell him how she was feeling? Was it because somehow he didn’t feel the same connection to her? Was he trying to pull away from her slowly? Roman could read her so well, why couldn’t John? Not knowing only added to Marlena’s self doubt.
“Mar, things will get better…you just need to be open to what you’re feeling and stop trying to hide your feelings and saying what you think we want to hear.”
“Every time I do, I seem to be criticized for it. I told John what I felt and he walked out of here mad. I just can’t win. I’m sure that when I get out of here things will be better.”
“I can’t begin to pretend what either of you are going through right now and won’t try to but know that I’m here and supportive of you and your decisions.”
“Thanks Roman. It’s comforting to know that at least I have one friend. Everyone else is going to think I’m awful once everything comes out in Salem. Maybe I shouldn’t return.”
“And what’s that going to solve?”
“Nothing, but I won’t have to live with the stares and the comments. I can be who I want to be… If I go back to Salem everyone’s going to know that it’s my fault that those babies are like that. My fault.”
“It’s not your fault Mar, you didn’t know that you would go into premature labor in the middle of nowhere…You had no control over that.”
“That’s where you’re wrong...I had all the control… I didn’t fucking want to be pregnant in the first place and I cursed those kids,” Marlena blurted out.
“I’m sure that the pregnancy was a shock to you, especially since you didn’t know for sure that John was the father, but saying that you cursed those babies is a little harsh.” Why did she think it was her fault, Roman wondered?
“Do you know how many times I wished that I’d accidentally fall down the stairs and miscarry.” Roman looked at Marlena with a look of shock on his face. Better to hurt than to be hurt.
“I cannot believe that you just said that,” Roman muttered as he got up from the bed and went to the door. He wanted honesty from her, he just didn’t realize the extent of it. Internally he started to question her miscarriage of his baby over a year ago. Was that wished for and planned? Who the hell had she become?
“Don’t leave Roman, please don’t leave…I didn’t mean that… I didn’t.” She hadn’t meant for the statement to come out that harsh. Once again, she learned a painful lesson as to what true honesty beget, more pain and heartache. Just like her father always told her, no one really wants honestly, they say that they do, but once you give it to them, they use it to hurt you. Better to lie and to hurt than to be hurt.
“I think you did…I think for once in a long time you’ve finally been honest with your feelings.”
“Roman, I’m sorry.”
“I’ll talk to you later,” Roman said as he left the room and closed the door behind him.
