Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:40:33 GMT -5
Father Jansen baptized both children and then issued the annointment of the sick to Rachel. Marlena only let go of Rachel’s tiny hand once, when it was time for Noah to be baptized.
As all the family members and friends stood by and behind John and Marlena, Marlena felt naked and exposed. The closer they got and the more wishes of recovery and condolences she received the worse it felt. She was having trouble breathing and concentrating, starting to feel light-headed. She wanted to be alone with Rachel and John, not with all these people.
No sooner had the annointment ended then one of the alarms hooked up to Rachel went off and everyone was asked to leave the NICU immediately. Rather than everyone going home, as Marlena wanted, everyone stayed behind to provide their support.
“John, please take me home,” Marlena begged John as she pulled on the sleeve of his black denim shirt.
“I don’t want to leave Rachel alone right now Marlena,” John said as he stood before the glass window watching the doctor’s work on his tiny infant.
“I can’t do this John…please don’t make me do this,” she begged him, tears in her eyes.
“You can do this Marlena…you are stronger than you think,” John replied, thinking that he was reassuring her.
“I’m not…I don’t want to be here…I don’t want to be here doing this,” she whispered to him as she motioned to all the people around them. She saw Maggie looking at her, tears in her eyes. She didn’t want them to feel sorry for her. She didn’t need their sympathy. Marlena turned her back to them, forcing John to also move so that he could face her when talking to her.
“They’re your friends Marlena…they want to be here for you,” John said as he watched the team of doctors studying Rachel.
“I don’t like them looking at me like that,” she said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don’t like the stares John.”
John put his arm around her for support. “They aren’t looking and staring at you honey.”
“Please take me home.”
“If you really want to go home I’ll ask Roman if he’ll take you.”
“No, I need you John,” Marlena pleaded with him, desperate for him to be her savior.
“Marlena, please don’t do this, not here and not now,” John whispered, looking directly into her tormented eyes. For all the little steps forward in progress with her that he’d made over the past year, she always seemed to make giant leaps back.
“Do what? Want to spend time with you?” She was desperate and not afraid to let John know that.
“Our daughter is dying…we should be spending time together with her here, not at home…besides we have a tough decision to make.”
“I can’t do it…don’t ask me to,” Marlena whispered, leaning her head on the cold glass. She closed her eyes and imagined herself in a place far away from the hospital where things were bright and cheery, people happy. As she looked into the mirror in her vision, she didn’t see herself but someone else. Everyone in Salem was in this place called happy but her and they were all laughing and having fun.
“I refuse to make a decision that big alone….you are going to be a part of it whether or not you want to be,” John said as he put his hands on her shoulders, bringing her back to reality. She was saddened that in her dreams she wasn’t even happy.
“I can’t do it,” she said as she started crying again.
“And I can’t make the decision whether or not to turn off our daughters life support alone…you are going to be part of this decision,” John said knowing that time wasn’t on their side. He said it a little louder than he’d intended to, but was beyond caring.
“I can’t do this here,” she said gesturing to the lobby, “In front of all them,” she said gesturing to her family and friends.
“Okay, so we’ll go to the chapel and talk,” John offered.
“Okay,” she replied weakly, looking up at John. John studied her once again, desperately seeking his Marlena, but failing once again to find her.
John took Marlena into his arms and held her for a minute before looking around the room for Roman and Sami. Once he saw them he gestured for them to come over to where he and Marlena were standing. “Roman and Sami, could we speak with you for a minute?” John asked them. They both rose up from their chairs and approached them.
“Something’s come up….Look, could you both keep an eye on the babies and call me immediately if there’s any change…Marlena and I are going to go down to the chapel to talk and pray…Please keep this to yourself right now, but the doctors feel that they’ve done all they can for Rachel and its time to turn off the life support machines,” John said as he pulled Marlena closer into his body, as he was sheltering her.
“Oh my God Mom, she’ll die without it,” Sami gasped as she embraced her mother. Marlena was trying her hardest to keep it together. John saw her shut her eyes and clench them tightly, trying to ward off tears.
“Thanks for your concern Sami…We’ll be back in a little while,” John said to Sami as he took Marlena’s hand and led her toward the elevator. Once they were safely in the confines of the elevator car and away from concerned eyes, Marlena started crying. John silently took her in his arms and held her, slowly rubbing circles along her back.
When the elevator reached the floor the chapel was on, John stopped the elevator car and turned and faced Marlena.
“Whatever happens today, we face it together Marlena,” John said as he cupped her chin and lifted her face. So much sadness and pain filled her hazel eyes. Marlena nodded her head, unable to find the words to respond to John.
Wordlessly, John released the stop button and the doors to the elevator car slowly opened. The hallway was eerily quiet as John put his arm around Marlena and supported her as they made their way to the hospital chapel. He had been there so many times before, for so many different reasons. God had heard his prayers in the past, would he this time?
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Hope and Bo Brady leave the chapel by the side door. Not giving Marlena a chance to change her mind, John ushered Marlena into the small chapel. Once they reached the altar at the front of the chapel he reached for two candles and handed them to Marlena to light.
She knelt at the altar and lit the candles for Noah and Rachel as her hands shook. John stood behind her, hands on her shoulders as he prayed for his children.
“God, I know I have no right to ask for your mercy at a time like this, but I am asking you, begging you, to save my little girl. She’s innocent God, so pure and full of all that’s good in the world…she hasn’t had a chance to live her life…please don’t take that chance away…please show us your mercy and allow her to live…please lord…” Marlena heard the start of John’s prayer. She knelt her head in silence, unable to pray for her daughter or her son.
As John’s prayer continued, Marlena found herself not drawing strength from him, but felt a sense of nothingness come over her. Why did he get to draw strength from God and she didn’t? Why was God doing this to her? Why was God making her child suffer for her mistakes? Why had God forsaken her?
The longer John prayed the madder Marlena got. Marlena made an attempt to stand up, but John mistook her move as one of sorrow and held onto her shoulders tighter.
“God, we ask for your strength and guidance as Marlena and I make this difficult decision regarding Rachel…We place Rachel in your hands…” John continued praying.
Marlena tried to stand up again, but John was holding her down. Feeling a sense of confinement, she struggled against him, tears running down her face. John increased his grip and squeezed her shoulders for support.
“Why god,” she screamed out as she picked up the candle she lit for Rachel and threw it against the wall at the back of the altar. “Why,” she whispered, “Why?”
John knelt down on the floor next to her, stunned. “Why,” she murmured over and over as she stared up at the cross hanging on the wall behind the altar. “Why?”
John tried to take Marlena into his arms but she fought against him, her eyes never leaving the cross.
“Why are you doing this to me?” she cried. “Why? Haven’t I been punished enough for my sins?”
“Marlena honey,” John said as he stroked her back. “This isn’t your fault.”
Marlena’s eyes were transfixed on the cross and she was unable to hear John’s words of comfort and reassurance. “I’ve tried to be good….I’ve tried to follow in your path….I’ve tried so hard….Don’t make my children suffer because of me.”
“Marlena, it’s going to be okay.”
“I can’t do this on my own anymore…I’ve tried so hard to be strong…take me, make me suffer, but don’t hurt my baby.” Marlena was frantic, staring at the cross, wiping away her tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Don’t make Rachel suffer because of me.”
“Marlena, its okay.”
“Please give me one more chance, give her one more chance,” she whispered.
“It’s okay honey, none of this is your fault.”
“Please God, please don’t do this…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Marlena reached over and grabbed another candle and lit it. “Please, I’m asking you, begging you, to have mercy on my baby and not to take her because of me.”
John watched her helplessly, unable to reach her. Marlena continued staring at the cross and conversing with God.
He picked up a candle, took the lighter out of her hands and lit the candle and prayed for her. He was saddened to see her soul so tormented. She must have been carrying an enormous burden all this time thinking that Rachel’s health issues were her fault.
John was in the midst of praying for Rachel and Marlena when he felt Marlena suddenly stand up.
“You are not going to win,” she screamed at the cross, lifting her hands up in the air, palms up. “You are not going to do this to me….I cannot lose another child,” she continued to scream, the shrill of her voice resonating against the stained glass windows at the back of the chapel. Panicked, John quickly stood up and physically turned her body so that it was facing him.
“Marlena, it’s okay,” John said, grabbing her chin and holding her head still with his hand. Marlena struggled against his fierce grip.
“No, its fucking not,” she yelled at John, her eyes never leaving the cross on the wall. “What kind of God punishes a child for the sins of its mother? Answer that John,” she yelled, her voice a little softer.
“You don’t mean that honey,” he said as he let go of her chin and took both of her hands in his. He didn’t like the frantic look in her eyes or her desperation.
“I always say what I mean…Well you know what? He’s not going to win this time…I’m through with this…Rachel is going to live, God will not take her from us… …The fucking life support system stays on.”
John stared at her, then grabbed her face gently and held it in his hands. “Are you sure about this Marlena? Do you really want to keep the life support system on?”
“Yes, I’m more sure about this than I have been about anything for a long time. If God is going to take her than he’s going to have to take her with that machine on.”
“Okay, I’ll go and let the doctors know…do you want to go with me?”
Marlena nodded her head yes and confidently took his hand. With determination that she didn’t know that she had, she truly believed for the first time that things might be okay. As they left the chapel Hope Brady approached them. Immediately, Marlena felt sick to her stomach by the site of Hope. Had Hope heard her outburst in the chapel?
Hope took in Marlena’s tear soaked face, disheveled clothes and messy hair and assumed the worst. “Marlena, I’m sorry for intruding, but do you have a minute?”
Marlena looked at Hope tentatively for a few seconds before responding. “Sure,” she said as John let go of her hand.
“Do you want me to wait honey or will you be okay here?” Marlena looked at him in awe. He truly was the most supportive and loving man. She felt guilty for all that she had put him through. He deserved someone much better, deserved a relationship so much more than what she could offer.
“I’ll be fine,” Marlena said as she faced Hope. Before speaking, she raked her fingers through her hair, trying to restore some order. “Hope, what is it?” Marlena asked, her voice calm and collected.
“I know that you are going through a really difficult time right now,” Hope said, noticing Marlena looking down at the floor. “I just want you to know that as your friend, that I’m here for you.”
“Thank you Hope, I appreciate that.”
“I also want you to know that I understand what you are going through right now.”
“You understand?” Marlena asked, confused as to what Hope meant.
“You know, JT.” The mention of JT brought back painful memories for Marlena. John’s betrayal of their marriage vows on their honeymoon, his believed fathering of JT and most importantly all the lies he told her to cover up the truth. Marlena tried to push the painful memories down, hoping that her pain wasn’t evident.
“Oh,” Marlena responded, not knowing what to say. “It’s not exactly the same though…JT ended up not being your child at all.”
“I know, but I was thinking it was similar more along the lines of you possibly using drugs and alcohol while pregnant with the babies…I know how hard it was for me when we knew that something was wrong with JT and I thought that I was the cause of it,” Hoped rambled on unaware of the open mouthed look of shock on Marlena’s face.
“You know?” Marlena asked in shock, the blood pounding in her eyes. She fought to stay in control of her emotions, amid a tightening sensation in her chest. She looked around the room for the nearest exit.
“Of course, don’t be embarrassed by it Marlena.”
“Who else knows?” she asked calmly, as if it were no big deal, but secretly horrified at what the answer might be. She couldn’t lose control in front of Hope Brady. She’d do what she needed to do, but vowed not to let Hope see her guilt and pain.
“Quite a few people, you know how news spreads around Salem…its really no big deal though…I mean its not something you probably want people to know about, I sure didn’t…But know that I’m here in case you ever want to talk to someone who has been in your shoes and knows what you are feeling,” Hope said as she hugged Marlena. Marlena returned the hug, forcing emotions of kindness, gratitude and compassion that she just wasn’t feeling.
As Marlena watched Hope walk down the hallway toward Bo, she had this sinking feeling that this perfect world and existence that she’d created for herself in Salem was about to come crashing down.
As all the family members and friends stood by and behind John and Marlena, Marlena felt naked and exposed. The closer they got and the more wishes of recovery and condolences she received the worse it felt. She was having trouble breathing and concentrating, starting to feel light-headed. She wanted to be alone with Rachel and John, not with all these people.
No sooner had the annointment ended then one of the alarms hooked up to Rachel went off and everyone was asked to leave the NICU immediately. Rather than everyone going home, as Marlena wanted, everyone stayed behind to provide their support.
“John, please take me home,” Marlena begged John as she pulled on the sleeve of his black denim shirt.
“I don’t want to leave Rachel alone right now Marlena,” John said as he stood before the glass window watching the doctor’s work on his tiny infant.
“I can’t do this John…please don’t make me do this,” she begged him, tears in her eyes.
“You can do this Marlena…you are stronger than you think,” John replied, thinking that he was reassuring her.
“I’m not…I don’t want to be here…I don’t want to be here doing this,” she whispered to him as she motioned to all the people around them. She saw Maggie looking at her, tears in her eyes. She didn’t want them to feel sorry for her. She didn’t need their sympathy. Marlena turned her back to them, forcing John to also move so that he could face her when talking to her.
“They’re your friends Marlena…they want to be here for you,” John said as he watched the team of doctors studying Rachel.
“I don’t like them looking at me like that,” she said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don’t like the stares John.”
John put his arm around her for support. “They aren’t looking and staring at you honey.”
“Please take me home.”
“If you really want to go home I’ll ask Roman if he’ll take you.”
“No, I need you John,” Marlena pleaded with him, desperate for him to be her savior.
“Marlena, please don’t do this, not here and not now,” John whispered, looking directly into her tormented eyes. For all the little steps forward in progress with her that he’d made over the past year, she always seemed to make giant leaps back.
“Do what? Want to spend time with you?” She was desperate and not afraid to let John know that.
“Our daughter is dying…we should be spending time together with her here, not at home…besides we have a tough decision to make.”
“I can’t do it…don’t ask me to,” Marlena whispered, leaning her head on the cold glass. She closed her eyes and imagined herself in a place far away from the hospital where things were bright and cheery, people happy. As she looked into the mirror in her vision, she didn’t see herself but someone else. Everyone in Salem was in this place called happy but her and they were all laughing and having fun.
“I refuse to make a decision that big alone….you are going to be a part of it whether or not you want to be,” John said as he put his hands on her shoulders, bringing her back to reality. She was saddened that in her dreams she wasn’t even happy.
“I can’t do it,” she said as she started crying again.
“And I can’t make the decision whether or not to turn off our daughters life support alone…you are going to be part of this decision,” John said knowing that time wasn’t on their side. He said it a little louder than he’d intended to, but was beyond caring.
“I can’t do this here,” she said gesturing to the lobby, “In front of all them,” she said gesturing to her family and friends.
“Okay, so we’ll go to the chapel and talk,” John offered.
“Okay,” she replied weakly, looking up at John. John studied her once again, desperately seeking his Marlena, but failing once again to find her.
John took Marlena into his arms and held her for a minute before looking around the room for Roman and Sami. Once he saw them he gestured for them to come over to where he and Marlena were standing. “Roman and Sami, could we speak with you for a minute?” John asked them. They both rose up from their chairs and approached them.
“Something’s come up….Look, could you both keep an eye on the babies and call me immediately if there’s any change…Marlena and I are going to go down to the chapel to talk and pray…Please keep this to yourself right now, but the doctors feel that they’ve done all they can for Rachel and its time to turn off the life support machines,” John said as he pulled Marlena closer into his body, as he was sheltering her.
“Oh my God Mom, she’ll die without it,” Sami gasped as she embraced her mother. Marlena was trying her hardest to keep it together. John saw her shut her eyes and clench them tightly, trying to ward off tears.
“Thanks for your concern Sami…We’ll be back in a little while,” John said to Sami as he took Marlena’s hand and led her toward the elevator. Once they were safely in the confines of the elevator car and away from concerned eyes, Marlena started crying. John silently took her in his arms and held her, slowly rubbing circles along her back.
When the elevator reached the floor the chapel was on, John stopped the elevator car and turned and faced Marlena.
“Whatever happens today, we face it together Marlena,” John said as he cupped her chin and lifted her face. So much sadness and pain filled her hazel eyes. Marlena nodded her head, unable to find the words to respond to John.
Wordlessly, John released the stop button and the doors to the elevator car slowly opened. The hallway was eerily quiet as John put his arm around Marlena and supported her as they made their way to the hospital chapel. He had been there so many times before, for so many different reasons. God had heard his prayers in the past, would he this time?
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Hope and Bo Brady leave the chapel by the side door. Not giving Marlena a chance to change her mind, John ushered Marlena into the small chapel. Once they reached the altar at the front of the chapel he reached for two candles and handed them to Marlena to light.
She knelt at the altar and lit the candles for Noah and Rachel as her hands shook. John stood behind her, hands on her shoulders as he prayed for his children.
“God, I know I have no right to ask for your mercy at a time like this, but I am asking you, begging you, to save my little girl. She’s innocent God, so pure and full of all that’s good in the world…she hasn’t had a chance to live her life…please don’t take that chance away…please show us your mercy and allow her to live…please lord…” Marlena heard the start of John’s prayer. She knelt her head in silence, unable to pray for her daughter or her son.
As John’s prayer continued, Marlena found herself not drawing strength from him, but felt a sense of nothingness come over her. Why did he get to draw strength from God and she didn’t? Why was God doing this to her? Why was God making her child suffer for her mistakes? Why had God forsaken her?
The longer John prayed the madder Marlena got. Marlena made an attempt to stand up, but John mistook her move as one of sorrow and held onto her shoulders tighter.
“God, we ask for your strength and guidance as Marlena and I make this difficult decision regarding Rachel…We place Rachel in your hands…” John continued praying.
Marlena tried to stand up again, but John was holding her down. Feeling a sense of confinement, she struggled against him, tears running down her face. John increased his grip and squeezed her shoulders for support.
“Why god,” she screamed out as she picked up the candle she lit for Rachel and threw it against the wall at the back of the altar. “Why,” she whispered, “Why?”
John knelt down on the floor next to her, stunned. “Why,” she murmured over and over as she stared up at the cross hanging on the wall behind the altar. “Why?”
John tried to take Marlena into his arms but she fought against him, her eyes never leaving the cross.
“Why are you doing this to me?” she cried. “Why? Haven’t I been punished enough for my sins?”
“Marlena honey,” John said as he stroked her back. “This isn’t your fault.”
Marlena’s eyes were transfixed on the cross and she was unable to hear John’s words of comfort and reassurance. “I’ve tried to be good….I’ve tried to follow in your path….I’ve tried so hard….Don’t make my children suffer because of me.”
“Marlena, it’s going to be okay.”
“I can’t do this on my own anymore…I’ve tried so hard to be strong…take me, make me suffer, but don’t hurt my baby.” Marlena was frantic, staring at the cross, wiping away her tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Don’t make Rachel suffer because of me.”
“Marlena, its okay.”
“Please give me one more chance, give her one more chance,” she whispered.
“It’s okay honey, none of this is your fault.”
“Please God, please don’t do this…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Marlena reached over and grabbed another candle and lit it. “Please, I’m asking you, begging you, to have mercy on my baby and not to take her because of me.”
John watched her helplessly, unable to reach her. Marlena continued staring at the cross and conversing with God.
He picked up a candle, took the lighter out of her hands and lit the candle and prayed for her. He was saddened to see her soul so tormented. She must have been carrying an enormous burden all this time thinking that Rachel’s health issues were her fault.
John was in the midst of praying for Rachel and Marlena when he felt Marlena suddenly stand up.
“You are not going to win,” she screamed at the cross, lifting her hands up in the air, palms up. “You are not going to do this to me….I cannot lose another child,” she continued to scream, the shrill of her voice resonating against the stained glass windows at the back of the chapel. Panicked, John quickly stood up and physically turned her body so that it was facing him.
“Marlena, it’s okay,” John said, grabbing her chin and holding her head still with his hand. Marlena struggled against his fierce grip.
“No, its fucking not,” she yelled at John, her eyes never leaving the cross on the wall. “What kind of God punishes a child for the sins of its mother? Answer that John,” she yelled, her voice a little softer.
“You don’t mean that honey,” he said as he let go of her chin and took both of her hands in his. He didn’t like the frantic look in her eyes or her desperation.
“I always say what I mean…Well you know what? He’s not going to win this time…I’m through with this…Rachel is going to live, God will not take her from us… …The fucking life support system stays on.”
John stared at her, then grabbed her face gently and held it in his hands. “Are you sure about this Marlena? Do you really want to keep the life support system on?”
“Yes, I’m more sure about this than I have been about anything for a long time. If God is going to take her than he’s going to have to take her with that machine on.”
“Okay, I’ll go and let the doctors know…do you want to go with me?”
Marlena nodded her head yes and confidently took his hand. With determination that she didn’t know that she had, she truly believed for the first time that things might be okay. As they left the chapel Hope Brady approached them. Immediately, Marlena felt sick to her stomach by the site of Hope. Had Hope heard her outburst in the chapel?
Hope took in Marlena’s tear soaked face, disheveled clothes and messy hair and assumed the worst. “Marlena, I’m sorry for intruding, but do you have a minute?”
Marlena looked at Hope tentatively for a few seconds before responding. “Sure,” she said as John let go of her hand.
“Do you want me to wait honey or will you be okay here?” Marlena looked at him in awe. He truly was the most supportive and loving man. She felt guilty for all that she had put him through. He deserved someone much better, deserved a relationship so much more than what she could offer.
“I’ll be fine,” Marlena said as she faced Hope. Before speaking, she raked her fingers through her hair, trying to restore some order. “Hope, what is it?” Marlena asked, her voice calm and collected.
“I know that you are going through a really difficult time right now,” Hope said, noticing Marlena looking down at the floor. “I just want you to know that as your friend, that I’m here for you.”
“Thank you Hope, I appreciate that.”
“I also want you to know that I understand what you are going through right now.”
“You understand?” Marlena asked, confused as to what Hope meant.
“You know, JT.” The mention of JT brought back painful memories for Marlena. John’s betrayal of their marriage vows on their honeymoon, his believed fathering of JT and most importantly all the lies he told her to cover up the truth. Marlena tried to push the painful memories down, hoping that her pain wasn’t evident.
“Oh,” Marlena responded, not knowing what to say. “It’s not exactly the same though…JT ended up not being your child at all.”
“I know, but I was thinking it was similar more along the lines of you possibly using drugs and alcohol while pregnant with the babies…I know how hard it was for me when we knew that something was wrong with JT and I thought that I was the cause of it,” Hoped rambled on unaware of the open mouthed look of shock on Marlena’s face.
“You know?” Marlena asked in shock, the blood pounding in her eyes. She fought to stay in control of her emotions, amid a tightening sensation in her chest. She looked around the room for the nearest exit.
“Of course, don’t be embarrassed by it Marlena.”
“Who else knows?” she asked calmly, as if it were no big deal, but secretly horrified at what the answer might be. She couldn’t lose control in front of Hope Brady. She’d do what she needed to do, but vowed not to let Hope see her guilt and pain.
“Quite a few people, you know how news spreads around Salem…its really no big deal though…I mean its not something you probably want people to know about, I sure didn’t…But know that I’m here in case you ever want to talk to someone who has been in your shoes and knows what you are feeling,” Hope said as she hugged Marlena. Marlena returned the hug, forcing emotions of kindness, gratitude and compassion that she just wasn’t feeling.
As Marlena watched Hope walk down the hallway toward Bo, she had this sinking feeling that this perfect world and existence that she’d created for herself in Salem was about to come crashing down.
