Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 10:47:24 GMT -5
Marlena slowly walked along the Salem harbor with her destination in mind, gun in hand. The wind swirled viciously around her, but she was numb to its effects; coat unbuttoned, blond hair violently being lifted and blown about. With each step she took towards Pier 29, all the self-doubt and loathing she’d ever felt rose to the surface.
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“I hate you and wish that you’d never been born.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister.”
“Why do you have to be so difficult?”
Tears streamed down her face, instantly drying in the wind, leaving nothing but miniscule salt crystals as the only evidence that they had ever been there.
“You made me kill the dog Julie…if you had only done what I asked you to do, I wouldn’t have had to kill the dog.”
“If you’d behave and listen then I wouldn’t have to punish you.”
“You can’t be trusted.”
“I’m doing this because I’m your father…someone has to teach you.”
She stared absently in front of her, not aware of anyone or anything around her. The voices in her head crudely told her how unworthy and unlovable she really was. “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” she told herself over and over, trying to drown out the voices in her head. As a child, she’d walk along the lake and repeat the phrase over and over again hoping that if she’d reach a magical number, maybe it would come true.
“I’m just teaching you how to be a woman.”
“If only you weren’t so ugly.”
“If you had only done what I told you to do, I wouldn’t have had to punish your sister.”
“You’re stupid Julie…just plain stupid.”
What they said was true. Everything was her fault. It was her fault that child protective services and the police came to her house. It was her fault that her parents were arrested. It was her fault that her family was torn apart. She brought the horrors of foster care on herself and Samantha. It was her fault that they broke her arm and leg. What happened to Samantha was her fault. It was her fault that Samantha was dead. It was her fault that she was never good enough. The words didn’t just hurt, they were true.
“You’re the reason this family is a mess. If it hadn’t been for you, none of this would have happened.”
“You brought this on yourself Julie. This is all your fault.”
“Don’t you try to run away again…next time your punishment is going to be worse.”
“Don’t tell anyone Julie, they’ll know it’s your fault.”
She never told anyone really what happened and never would. Her dad was right, no one would understand and they’d all blame her. Every time she told the truth it just seemed to make things worse, for her and for her family. Better to lie than to tell the truth. They wouldn’t have done those things if they didn’t love her right?
“No one will ever love you…not once they know you.”
“If you tell, they’ll tear our family apart and it will be all your fault.”
“You belong to me…don’t you ever forget it.”
“It’s your fault your mother killed herself.”
As she reached her final destination, she stood on the edge of the dock, the toes of her designer shoes hanging an inch over the edge. As the wind whipped in gusts around her, she unconsciously fought to keep her balance. The dark abyss of the water below her called out to her like the Sirens of Greek mythology did to so many sailors.
“Look down and you will find happiness,” a voice called out to her. Marlena looked down into the water, but saw nothing. A feeling of uneasiness overcame her as she fought to understand why she was at the pier in the first place.
“Julie…Julie…Julie,” the water called out.
“No, I’m Marlena,” she whispered. “I’m Marlena.”
“Julie…Julie…Julie,” the water continued to beckon her.
“No, leave me alone,” Marlena pleaded, putting her hands over her ears trying to block out the sound.
“Julie.”
“No, you’re dead,” she whispered as the voice changed into her fathers. The hair on the back of her neck stood up eerily, her breathing becoming erratic. She felt a sickening tightening in her throat. She brought her hands to her neck, trying to stop the choking feeling. She was petrified, hands trembling as she grasped the gun.
“Julie,” the voice of her father said once again.
“Leave me alone,” she pleaded with the voice.
“Julie…Julie….Julie.”
“No…You’re dead,” she whispered as she looked around frantically, eyes wide open with terror, expecting to see him standing behind her. Raindrops slowly fell from the sky one by one. Faster and faster the drops fell from the sky, as the heavens opened and unleashed its wrath on earth. As darkness fell and the wind became bitterly cold, Marlena stood transfixed, unaware of the environmental changes around her.
The water swirled angrily as she saw the face of her biological father appear. The blueness of his eyes that haunted her in her dreams stared up at her through the water. She saw his lips moving as if he was trying to tell her something but she couldn’t hear him. After all this time, he still was the only one that had the power to hurt her, the only person she ever allowed close enough to her to hurt her.
She leaned closer to the water, trying to hear what he was trying to tell her. “What?” she asked him. “What do you want?” His lips continued to move but no sound could be heard. “WHAT?” she screamed at the vision. “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” she continued screaming as she pointed her gun at the vision in the water.
“You’re dead…dead,” she said as she aimed at the vision, unlocked the firing pin block with one finger and fired into the water. The recoil from the gun sent Marlena moving back several feet. She quickly scrambled to the edge on the pier and peeked down at the water, fearful that he would still be there.
The vision in the water grew larger and angrier. Marlena felt as if she were six years old again as she hid her eyes behind her hands. She stood quietly hoping that he wouldn’t notice that she was there. She felt like Persephone, wondering if Hades was going to suck her into the underworld never to release her again. If she fell in would Demeter save her?
“JULIE,” the voice angrily yelled. The echo of the voice resonated in her ears. Her chest further tightened, bile rising in her throat. He was all around her and moving closer. She felt his hands on her body, his caresses not the comfort she so desperately wanted and needed. She blindly waved the gun around trying to find her father, ready to shoot. As she felt hands caressing her breasts she was unable to hold down the sickness she felt. Her stomach muscles contracted violently as she vomited on the pier, the rain quickly washing away the evidence. Wiping her mouth with her hand, she brought the gun up and fired over and over again.
“Why daddy why?” she screamed at the water.
“Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why did you do those things to me?”
“Why didn’t you ever love me,” Marlena sobbed as she fell to her knees, gun still clutched in her hands.
“All I ever wanted was for once to hear you say that you loved me…why couldn’t you do that,” she pleaded as she frantically wiped the tears from her eyes. “WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME?” she screamed.
“Marlena, I love you,” John whispered, his heart breaking at his wife’s admission. All these years, she had been carrying this burden, unable to share it with anyone. Under the demeanor of the cool, intelligent, articulate professional lay a very damaged child.
Marlena turned towards the sound of John’s voice, her mouth open in surprise. Was he her Demeter? Could he save her from the grasp of Hades? She continued kneeling transfixed, unable to move. Her hazel eyes watched anxiously as John slowly moved closer to her. He smiled softly at her, compassion in his eyes, as he reached out to touch her.
She saw the picture he was holding in his hands. She scrambled backwards, trying to put distance between her and the picture. He knew. “Get away from me, I don’t want you to see me like this John…please, remember me for how I was…I never wanted you to know.” She couldn’t look at him, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes. She felt so worthless and useless. She readjusted her grip on the gun, pointing the barrel towards her chest.
“I love you Marlena,” John said once again, watching in agony, calculating how he was going to get the gun away from her. He followed her eyes and saw that she was staring at the picture in his hands. Her father. So many things confused him still, yet everything was starting to make sense.
Marlena’s finger on the trigger shook as she continued staring at the picture. The face on the picture morphed back and forth between her father and John.
“Marlena, you are good enough, you always have been,” John said as he knelt down in front of her, dropping the faxed picture to the ground. He knew that she knew. There was no reason to still have the picture.
“Please John…I don’t want you to see me like this… remember me for who I was.” She slowly picked the picture off the ground with her free hand and grasped it tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry Daddy,” she cried out as she started to sob.
She brought the picture up to her lips and kissed the blurred rain soaked image. “I’m sorry daddy that I was never good enough…I’m sorry John…I’m sorry…you’ll always be my forever love,” she said as she looked him in the eyes and pulled the trigger.
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“I hate you and wish that you’d never been born.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister.”
“Why do you have to be so difficult?”
Tears streamed down her face, instantly drying in the wind, leaving nothing but miniscule salt crystals as the only evidence that they had ever been there.
“You made me kill the dog Julie…if you had only done what I asked you to do, I wouldn’t have had to kill the dog.”
“If you’d behave and listen then I wouldn’t have to punish you.”
“You can’t be trusted.”
“I’m doing this because I’m your father…someone has to teach you.”
She stared absently in front of her, not aware of anyone or anything around her. The voices in her head crudely told her how unworthy and unlovable she really was. “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” she told herself over and over, trying to drown out the voices in her head. As a child, she’d walk along the lake and repeat the phrase over and over again hoping that if she’d reach a magical number, maybe it would come true.
“I’m just teaching you how to be a woman.”
“If only you weren’t so ugly.”
“If you had only done what I told you to do, I wouldn’t have had to punish your sister.”
“You’re stupid Julie…just plain stupid.”
What they said was true. Everything was her fault. It was her fault that child protective services and the police came to her house. It was her fault that her parents were arrested. It was her fault that her family was torn apart. She brought the horrors of foster care on herself and Samantha. It was her fault that they broke her arm and leg. What happened to Samantha was her fault. It was her fault that Samantha was dead. It was her fault that she was never good enough. The words didn’t just hurt, they were true.
“You’re the reason this family is a mess. If it hadn’t been for you, none of this would have happened.”
“You brought this on yourself Julie. This is all your fault.”
“Don’t you try to run away again…next time your punishment is going to be worse.”
“Don’t tell anyone Julie, they’ll know it’s your fault.”
She never told anyone really what happened and never would. Her dad was right, no one would understand and they’d all blame her. Every time she told the truth it just seemed to make things worse, for her and for her family. Better to lie than to tell the truth. They wouldn’t have done those things if they didn’t love her right?
“No one will ever love you…not once they know you.”
“If you tell, they’ll tear our family apart and it will be all your fault.”
“You belong to me…don’t you ever forget it.”
“It’s your fault your mother killed herself.”
As she reached her final destination, she stood on the edge of the dock, the toes of her designer shoes hanging an inch over the edge. As the wind whipped in gusts around her, she unconsciously fought to keep her balance. The dark abyss of the water below her called out to her like the Sirens of Greek mythology did to so many sailors.
“Look down and you will find happiness,” a voice called out to her. Marlena looked down into the water, but saw nothing. A feeling of uneasiness overcame her as she fought to understand why she was at the pier in the first place.
“Julie…Julie…Julie,” the water called out.
“No, I’m Marlena,” she whispered. “I’m Marlena.”
“Julie…Julie…Julie,” the water continued to beckon her.
“No, leave me alone,” Marlena pleaded, putting her hands over her ears trying to block out the sound.
“Julie.”
“No, you’re dead,” she whispered as the voice changed into her fathers. The hair on the back of her neck stood up eerily, her breathing becoming erratic. She felt a sickening tightening in her throat. She brought her hands to her neck, trying to stop the choking feeling. She was petrified, hands trembling as she grasped the gun.
“Julie,” the voice of her father said once again.
“Leave me alone,” she pleaded with the voice.
“Julie…Julie….Julie.”
“No…You’re dead,” she whispered as she looked around frantically, eyes wide open with terror, expecting to see him standing behind her. Raindrops slowly fell from the sky one by one. Faster and faster the drops fell from the sky, as the heavens opened and unleashed its wrath on earth. As darkness fell and the wind became bitterly cold, Marlena stood transfixed, unaware of the environmental changes around her.
The water swirled angrily as she saw the face of her biological father appear. The blueness of his eyes that haunted her in her dreams stared up at her through the water. She saw his lips moving as if he was trying to tell her something but she couldn’t hear him. After all this time, he still was the only one that had the power to hurt her, the only person she ever allowed close enough to her to hurt her.
She leaned closer to the water, trying to hear what he was trying to tell her. “What?” she asked him. “What do you want?” His lips continued to move but no sound could be heard. “WHAT?” she screamed at the vision. “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” she continued screaming as she pointed her gun at the vision in the water.
“You’re dead…dead,” she said as she aimed at the vision, unlocked the firing pin block with one finger and fired into the water. The recoil from the gun sent Marlena moving back several feet. She quickly scrambled to the edge on the pier and peeked down at the water, fearful that he would still be there.
The vision in the water grew larger and angrier. Marlena felt as if she were six years old again as she hid her eyes behind her hands. She stood quietly hoping that he wouldn’t notice that she was there. She felt like Persephone, wondering if Hades was going to suck her into the underworld never to release her again. If she fell in would Demeter save her?
“JULIE,” the voice angrily yelled. The echo of the voice resonated in her ears. Her chest further tightened, bile rising in her throat. He was all around her and moving closer. She felt his hands on her body, his caresses not the comfort she so desperately wanted and needed. She blindly waved the gun around trying to find her father, ready to shoot. As she felt hands caressing her breasts she was unable to hold down the sickness she felt. Her stomach muscles contracted violently as she vomited on the pier, the rain quickly washing away the evidence. Wiping her mouth with her hand, she brought the gun up and fired over and over again.
“Why daddy why?” she screamed at the water.
“Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why did you do those things to me?”
“Why didn’t you ever love me,” Marlena sobbed as she fell to her knees, gun still clutched in her hands.
“All I ever wanted was for once to hear you say that you loved me…why couldn’t you do that,” she pleaded as she frantically wiped the tears from her eyes. “WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME?” she screamed.
“Marlena, I love you,” John whispered, his heart breaking at his wife’s admission. All these years, she had been carrying this burden, unable to share it with anyone. Under the demeanor of the cool, intelligent, articulate professional lay a very damaged child.
Marlena turned towards the sound of John’s voice, her mouth open in surprise. Was he her Demeter? Could he save her from the grasp of Hades? She continued kneeling transfixed, unable to move. Her hazel eyes watched anxiously as John slowly moved closer to her. He smiled softly at her, compassion in his eyes, as he reached out to touch her.
She saw the picture he was holding in his hands. She scrambled backwards, trying to put distance between her and the picture. He knew. “Get away from me, I don’t want you to see me like this John…please, remember me for how I was…I never wanted you to know.” She couldn’t look at him, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes. She felt so worthless and useless. She readjusted her grip on the gun, pointing the barrel towards her chest.
“I love you Marlena,” John said once again, watching in agony, calculating how he was going to get the gun away from her. He followed her eyes and saw that she was staring at the picture in his hands. Her father. So many things confused him still, yet everything was starting to make sense.
Marlena’s finger on the trigger shook as she continued staring at the picture. The face on the picture morphed back and forth between her father and John.
“Marlena, you are good enough, you always have been,” John said as he knelt down in front of her, dropping the faxed picture to the ground. He knew that she knew. There was no reason to still have the picture.
“Please John…I don’t want you to see me like this… remember me for who I was.” She slowly picked the picture off the ground with her free hand and grasped it tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry Daddy,” she cried out as she started to sob.
She brought the picture up to her lips and kissed the blurred rain soaked image. “I’m sorry daddy that I was never good enough…I’m sorry John…I’m sorry…you’ll always be my forever love,” she said as she looked him in the eyes and pulled the trigger.
