Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:15:16 GMT -5
1.3 By Giving Me All You’ve Got
“Well look at this wee fella,” Shawn’s voice bellowed over the gathering crowd at the pub. “You’re a fierce little tiger, aren’t ya?” He said, an Irish lilt accenting his tongue. Shawn took Brady—clad in an orange tiger costume and whiskers—from John as they walked toward an empty booth. “Sit son.”
John removed his leather jacket before sliding into the booth. “Thanks. Nice crowd tonight?”
“Halloween,” Shawn said looking around. “The children have been coming steady all night. Caroline loves this time of year… it’s the best time to be a Grandparent.”
“Now I always assumed that Christmas was the best time for that,” John said raising his eyebrow sarcastically.
“It’s all good.”
“The children are lucky to have you as a Grandfather. I appreciate you and Caroline… how you look out for Brady.” He paused to look down at the tabletop. “Losing Isabella was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face P— He stopped himself again, realizing that he had no right to Shawn; that he wasn’t his Pop anymore.
Shawn tried to lesson his anxiety. “Son, your apart of this family… as much as anyone else is. We all love you. You know that don’t you son?”
“I do.” John said confidently.
Shawn continued, “I understand how confusing these last couple of years have been for you John. We’re here for you. I’ll be your Pop for as long as you need me to be.”
“Thank you… Pop.” John said feeling relieved. When Roman returned, their lives, his life was interrupted; Roman retained his position. He became Doc’s husband again, he began to parent the children that John had fathered for five years; he returned to the force, took over the friends. Everything. John lost everything and he was expected to lose quietly. He was expected not to love Marlena anymore or their children. He did love Marlena; and he loved his children. The children he’d raised without Doc or Roman. The twinners had called him Daddy for five years. They looked at him with the same love and admiration that Sami now reserved for Roman. Eric had been his boy. He taught him to play baseball and tackle Sami carefully when she joined their football games. He’d held Sami at night when she awoke frightened at the prospect of him leaving her, as her mother had. Carrie was his punkin. Sami was his little girl. Marlena was his wife.
Time had walked slowly toward the unreachable place where his family was concerned. He would never be the man everyone assumed he was; he was instead John Black, a man with no distinct background or heritage. When Marlena was his wife, he didn’t need to question anything. She gave him so much of herself that he felt whole and complete. Without Doc, without Isabella he was a man drifting on memories. He looked across the table at Brady nestled securely in Shawn’s arms.
“Shawn would it be okay if Brady stayed with you for a couple of hours. I just have some things I need to work out.”
“Aye we’d love it,” he told John. “We’re going to head to Roman’s tonight for a little home coming celebration for little Isabella. You can swing by there and pick Brady up… have a little cake while you’re there, huh?”
John smiled bravely, “That sounds good to me.” John kissed Brady goodbye and headed to the only place he could find peace: the pier.
“She’s adorable in all this pink,” Sami cooed as she dressed Belle in the tiny bunny rabbit costume. “Mom… we need a picture.” Sami handed her sister to their mother.
“Sami’s right baby girl,” Marlena said softly to Belle. She nuzzled her face against Belle’s warm cheeks. “You are just the yummiest baby.” Belle answered her compliment with a tiny smile at the corners of her mouth. A mass of blonde curls were gathered into a pink bow on top of her head. She was sucking incessantly on her hand. “We have to get ready for this party. Well I have to anyway.”
Sami scurried back into Belle’s nursery. “Mom… I found it. Hold Belle towards me,” Sami directed peering through the camera lens to immortalize Belle’s first Halloween. She snapped the picture quickly. “Beautiful.”
“She is beautiful… just like her sister.” Marlena beckoned Sami to her side. Sami was maturing before Marlena’s eyes. As a little girl, she had been a smaller version of Marlena with her blonde hair and porcelain skin. Sami was in full possession of her mother’s genes. In some ways, Sami reminded Marlena of Samantha. That reminder haunted her. “I love you Sami.”
“I love you too Mom. I’m so happy that you and Belle are all right. Having a baby in a cabin must have been pretty scary.”
“Not too much… John was there to help me through it.” She said, chiding herself for saying his name. She wanted to focus on her family, the one she shared with Roman.
“Mom,” Sami lowered her voice, “How does John feel about Belle?”
“I don’t know what you mean honey,” Marlena said watching Sami cautiously. “He’s happy she’s all right, too.”
“I mean, how does he feel about you and Daddy having another baby… together.”
“He’s happy,” she lied uneasily, “we’re all happy. He’s raising Brady. Daddy and I are raising Belle.” Marlena set Belle in her crib. She turned back around to Sami, crossing her arms nervously across her chest in anticipation of Sami’s next question.
“He was our father for a long time. While you were away…Dad… John talked about how much you wanted another baby.” Sami lowered her head. She was afraid to mention anything about their past for fear that she might hurt her daddy’s feelings. She hadn’t opened up about John and Roman since they switched roles.
“Well honey that was a long time ago. John and I are good friends now. He’s Belle’s godfather. Things have been difficult for us lately?” Marlena asked sympathetically.
“Yeah, kind of.”
“It’s going to get a lot better. I’m not going anywhere. Your daddy’s home to stay. We’re going to be a real family again. Like we were in the beginning… you and Eric were my life when you were born. I’m sorry that I was away so much. I know that must have been tough for you.”
“It was mostly okay. Daddy never let us forget you,” she said before realizing her mistake.
Marlena smiled gratefully at Sami’s memory. “John took good care of the three of you.”
“Yes,” Sami admitted shyly. “We missed you so much Mommy. And now we have Daddy back… my real daddy and we have Belle.” Sami bent over to kiss her little sister’s forehead. “Mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“Carrie loves John more than she loves Daddy.”
“Sami, Carrie’s growing up. She doesn’t love Roman any less than the day he first carried her piggyback. There are all these emotions that Carrie has about John and Roman, but loving them… both John and Roman doesn’t mean she loves one of them any less than the other.” Marlena pulled Sami into her arms. “Now do me a favor honey, keep an eye on Belle while I get myself together for this party.”
He walked in so casually that Marlena nearly missed his entrance, until she felt the hair at the nape of her neck raise, and then the noise in the room ceased, and she looked up and made eye contact with John. Unnerved, she visually searched the room to see if anyone else had noticed. Roman was playing host to their guests with Belle sleeping in his arms. Marlena watched John’s eyes flash jealously at Roman and the baby. His gaze returned to her but she refused to meet it. She closed her eyes in frustration, making a quiet exit through the kitchen, slipping quietly into the back yard.
She hadn’t seen John since Belle’s birth. The words that they’d whispered about her paternity were unsettled; hanging in quiet desperation, which she was sure would inevitably lead to her destruction. Marlena had also admitted unashamed that she loved John. She could lie to anyone except John; she could also be cold and distant to anyone except John. He had an innate ability to pull words from her that she would otherwise be ashamed to utter, to make her body tremble in response to their closeness. She realized that he would always hold that power over her. Their baby had nothing to do with the way she felt about John. She was willing to sacrifice her feelings in order for Belle to know a stable, loving life. She owed both of those things to not only Belle but also to Roman and their children.
Her decision was to beg John to allow Belle to remain Roman’s child; that, Belle would never have to know who her biological father was. She wanted to convince him that the truth would destroy her family, Belle included. Marlena knew how selfish it was of her to ask John to sacrifice his love for their little girl, so that Roman could remain happy. The entire situation was unfair and selfish. She was distraught over her decision. She cried in bed at night after Roman was asleep, when Roman went to work each morning, and in the shower. Marlena cried because no one could truly be happy in their situation, especially her. If she chose John, Roman and their children would suffer; and choosing Roman meant that John and Brady would have to move on without her.
“Doc?”
Marlena knew it was John without turning to face him. She instinctively knew he would follow her, and stare at her with those familiar eyes.
“Doc?” John moved toward her in the center of the backyard. His hands naturally covered her trembling shoulders. “Are you okay?”
She nodded silently, shuddering from his touch. Marlena stepped away from his grasp; it was the only way for her to retain her composure.
“What are we going to do?” John questioned. His soft words lingered for a couple of tense minutes. He waited patiently. He did not want to press her into doing anything she wasn’t ready to do. “I’m sorry about this.”
“Why are you sorry?” Marlena said finally turning to face him. “Don’t be sorry about Isabella. She’s the best thing that ever could have happened to me.”
“I’m not sorry about our baby. I think you know I will never regret any thing we did, especially creating that little girl in there.” John looked toward the house. “The little girl that Roman is walking around with, showing her off as if he owns her. How do you think that makes me feel Doc? That’s my baby.”
Marlena tried to hold onto her composure. Her voice was failing her as she searched for consoling words. “John, it’s not Roman’s fault. We did this. We made this mess.”
“Baby, it’s not a mess. What we feel for each other is not a mess,” he whispered dejectedly. “This is exactly why we’re in this situation now,” John said trying to control his temper. “You have a sense of moral obligation to stay married to a man you don’t love.”
“I love my husband,” she cried.
“What about me?” He goaded. “What about me… Isabella’s father. I’m the man who gave you up willingly because everyone told me it was the right thing to do.”
Marlena cupped her forehead, “John. We can’t undo the past.” She brought her hand to her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to hold her feelings at bay. “It’ll destroy everyone I love.”
“Except me…” John said quietly.
Marlena shifted her weight from one leg to another. “John. You chose Isabella. It was your decision.”
“No Doc, I’m not going to allow you to rewrite our history. You wanted Roman but you made love to me.” He said angrily. “We made Belle.”
“Don’t use the feelings I have for you against me. I wasn’t alone in making her John. You knew the situation. I was married to Roman… I am married to Roman. You took advantage of the way I felt about you. ” Marlena told him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “ You should have fought for us… you didn’t.”
“Doc I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you honey. I love you. The only thing in my life I’ve ever been sure of is how much I love you.”
Marlena sighed heavily. “John please don’t say that. This is hard enough to settle. You told me in the hospital that this wasn’t about us. It’s not.”
“No, listen to me… you know me better than anyone else. Doc, you know that I can’t let another man raise my child. That’s not the kind of man I am, honey. Do you need a test to prove that she’s mine?”
Marlena whispered no. She closed the gap between them, allowing John to be closer to her. The barriers were broken. There was only the truth that they carried in their hearts; Belle was definitely John’s daughter.
“I know whose baby Belle is. When she looks at me all I can see is your face,” she said running her fingers down John’s angular jawbone. “I can see Brady’s face in the way she yawns and sucks on her hand. Everything about her reminds me of you.” Marlena pulled her hand back realizing what her touch must be doing to John.
“Well?”
“John. I need time to think. This is just too soon. We’ve only been home a week. I need to time to adjust.” She said. “Will you allow me to figure this out?”
“Doc?”
“John please…”
“No Doc, if you think he’ll understand about us… you’re wrong. Roman’s going to hate me even more than he does now. And he’ll resent the fact that he has to raise another man’s child. Whatever you’re thinking is not going to work.”
“Will you let me try to find a solution?”
“There is only one solution,” John said stubbornly. “Come home with me. You and Belle.”
Marlena turned incredulously on her heel. “What about Sami and Carrie… not to mention my husband? John we’re not going to be together. I’m not leaving my husband.”
“Marlena from the moment you walked back into this town you’ve wanted to be with me. People aren’t blind honey. They can see how much we love each other. Honey, I know that you think it’s wrong.” John walked away from Marlena. Their closeness betrayed what he was truly feeling. He wanted to hold her in his arms again, to kiss Marlena until she moaned his name softly in his ear. However, John was angry at Marlena’s constant denial. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. “I didn’t take advantage of you on that plane. How could you say something like that to me? I made a decision for both us that night. I wanted to make you forget Roman and your obligations for one night.”
“It wasn’t your decision to make,” Marlena countered bitterly. “I’m an adult John.”
“Doc, this is getting us nowhere.”
“So don’t pursue this any longer John. Just let it be.”
John pressed his palms to his forehead. “Doc… don’t ask me to give up on my daughter.”
“John don’t make me chose between you and Roman.” Marlena pleaded.
“I thought you’d already done that.” He said angrily, leaving her alone.
“Well look at this wee fella,” Shawn’s voice bellowed over the gathering crowd at the pub. “You’re a fierce little tiger, aren’t ya?” He said, an Irish lilt accenting his tongue. Shawn took Brady—clad in an orange tiger costume and whiskers—from John as they walked toward an empty booth. “Sit son.”
John removed his leather jacket before sliding into the booth. “Thanks. Nice crowd tonight?”
“Halloween,” Shawn said looking around. “The children have been coming steady all night. Caroline loves this time of year… it’s the best time to be a Grandparent.”
“Now I always assumed that Christmas was the best time for that,” John said raising his eyebrow sarcastically.
“It’s all good.”
“The children are lucky to have you as a Grandfather. I appreciate you and Caroline… how you look out for Brady.” He paused to look down at the tabletop. “Losing Isabella was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face P— He stopped himself again, realizing that he had no right to Shawn; that he wasn’t his Pop anymore.
Shawn tried to lesson his anxiety. “Son, your apart of this family… as much as anyone else is. We all love you. You know that don’t you son?”
“I do.” John said confidently.
Shawn continued, “I understand how confusing these last couple of years have been for you John. We’re here for you. I’ll be your Pop for as long as you need me to be.”
“Thank you… Pop.” John said feeling relieved. When Roman returned, their lives, his life was interrupted; Roman retained his position. He became Doc’s husband again, he began to parent the children that John had fathered for five years; he returned to the force, took over the friends. Everything. John lost everything and he was expected to lose quietly. He was expected not to love Marlena anymore or their children. He did love Marlena; and he loved his children. The children he’d raised without Doc or Roman. The twinners had called him Daddy for five years. They looked at him with the same love and admiration that Sami now reserved for Roman. Eric had been his boy. He taught him to play baseball and tackle Sami carefully when she joined their football games. He’d held Sami at night when she awoke frightened at the prospect of him leaving her, as her mother had. Carrie was his punkin. Sami was his little girl. Marlena was his wife.
Time had walked slowly toward the unreachable place where his family was concerned. He would never be the man everyone assumed he was; he was instead John Black, a man with no distinct background or heritage. When Marlena was his wife, he didn’t need to question anything. She gave him so much of herself that he felt whole and complete. Without Doc, without Isabella he was a man drifting on memories. He looked across the table at Brady nestled securely in Shawn’s arms.
“Shawn would it be okay if Brady stayed with you for a couple of hours. I just have some things I need to work out.”
“Aye we’d love it,” he told John. “We’re going to head to Roman’s tonight for a little home coming celebration for little Isabella. You can swing by there and pick Brady up… have a little cake while you’re there, huh?”
John smiled bravely, “That sounds good to me.” John kissed Brady goodbye and headed to the only place he could find peace: the pier.
“She’s adorable in all this pink,” Sami cooed as she dressed Belle in the tiny bunny rabbit costume. “Mom… we need a picture.” Sami handed her sister to their mother.
“Sami’s right baby girl,” Marlena said softly to Belle. She nuzzled her face against Belle’s warm cheeks. “You are just the yummiest baby.” Belle answered her compliment with a tiny smile at the corners of her mouth. A mass of blonde curls were gathered into a pink bow on top of her head. She was sucking incessantly on her hand. “We have to get ready for this party. Well I have to anyway.”
Sami scurried back into Belle’s nursery. “Mom… I found it. Hold Belle towards me,” Sami directed peering through the camera lens to immortalize Belle’s first Halloween. She snapped the picture quickly. “Beautiful.”
“She is beautiful… just like her sister.” Marlena beckoned Sami to her side. Sami was maturing before Marlena’s eyes. As a little girl, she had been a smaller version of Marlena with her blonde hair and porcelain skin. Sami was in full possession of her mother’s genes. In some ways, Sami reminded Marlena of Samantha. That reminder haunted her. “I love you Sami.”
“I love you too Mom. I’m so happy that you and Belle are all right. Having a baby in a cabin must have been pretty scary.”
“Not too much… John was there to help me through it.” She said, chiding herself for saying his name. She wanted to focus on her family, the one she shared with Roman.
“Mom,” Sami lowered her voice, “How does John feel about Belle?”
“I don’t know what you mean honey,” Marlena said watching Sami cautiously. “He’s happy she’s all right, too.”
“I mean, how does he feel about you and Daddy having another baby… together.”
“He’s happy,” she lied uneasily, “we’re all happy. He’s raising Brady. Daddy and I are raising Belle.” Marlena set Belle in her crib. She turned back around to Sami, crossing her arms nervously across her chest in anticipation of Sami’s next question.
“He was our father for a long time. While you were away…Dad… John talked about how much you wanted another baby.” Sami lowered her head. She was afraid to mention anything about their past for fear that she might hurt her daddy’s feelings. She hadn’t opened up about John and Roman since they switched roles.
“Well honey that was a long time ago. John and I are good friends now. He’s Belle’s godfather. Things have been difficult for us lately?” Marlena asked sympathetically.
“Yeah, kind of.”
“It’s going to get a lot better. I’m not going anywhere. Your daddy’s home to stay. We’re going to be a real family again. Like we were in the beginning… you and Eric were my life when you were born. I’m sorry that I was away so much. I know that must have been tough for you.”
“It was mostly okay. Daddy never let us forget you,” she said before realizing her mistake.
Marlena smiled gratefully at Sami’s memory. “John took good care of the three of you.”
“Yes,” Sami admitted shyly. “We missed you so much Mommy. And now we have Daddy back… my real daddy and we have Belle.” Sami bent over to kiss her little sister’s forehead. “Mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“Carrie loves John more than she loves Daddy.”
“Sami, Carrie’s growing up. She doesn’t love Roman any less than the day he first carried her piggyback. There are all these emotions that Carrie has about John and Roman, but loving them… both John and Roman doesn’t mean she loves one of them any less than the other.” Marlena pulled Sami into her arms. “Now do me a favor honey, keep an eye on Belle while I get myself together for this party.”
He walked in so casually that Marlena nearly missed his entrance, until she felt the hair at the nape of her neck raise, and then the noise in the room ceased, and she looked up and made eye contact with John. Unnerved, she visually searched the room to see if anyone else had noticed. Roman was playing host to their guests with Belle sleeping in his arms. Marlena watched John’s eyes flash jealously at Roman and the baby. His gaze returned to her but she refused to meet it. She closed her eyes in frustration, making a quiet exit through the kitchen, slipping quietly into the back yard.
She hadn’t seen John since Belle’s birth. The words that they’d whispered about her paternity were unsettled; hanging in quiet desperation, which she was sure would inevitably lead to her destruction. Marlena had also admitted unashamed that she loved John. She could lie to anyone except John; she could also be cold and distant to anyone except John. He had an innate ability to pull words from her that she would otherwise be ashamed to utter, to make her body tremble in response to their closeness. She realized that he would always hold that power over her. Their baby had nothing to do with the way she felt about John. She was willing to sacrifice her feelings in order for Belle to know a stable, loving life. She owed both of those things to not only Belle but also to Roman and their children.
Her decision was to beg John to allow Belle to remain Roman’s child; that, Belle would never have to know who her biological father was. She wanted to convince him that the truth would destroy her family, Belle included. Marlena knew how selfish it was of her to ask John to sacrifice his love for their little girl, so that Roman could remain happy. The entire situation was unfair and selfish. She was distraught over her decision. She cried in bed at night after Roman was asleep, when Roman went to work each morning, and in the shower. Marlena cried because no one could truly be happy in their situation, especially her. If she chose John, Roman and their children would suffer; and choosing Roman meant that John and Brady would have to move on without her.
“Doc?”
Marlena knew it was John without turning to face him. She instinctively knew he would follow her, and stare at her with those familiar eyes.
“Doc?” John moved toward her in the center of the backyard. His hands naturally covered her trembling shoulders. “Are you okay?”
She nodded silently, shuddering from his touch. Marlena stepped away from his grasp; it was the only way for her to retain her composure.
“What are we going to do?” John questioned. His soft words lingered for a couple of tense minutes. He waited patiently. He did not want to press her into doing anything she wasn’t ready to do. “I’m sorry about this.”
“Why are you sorry?” Marlena said finally turning to face him. “Don’t be sorry about Isabella. She’s the best thing that ever could have happened to me.”
“I’m not sorry about our baby. I think you know I will never regret any thing we did, especially creating that little girl in there.” John looked toward the house. “The little girl that Roman is walking around with, showing her off as if he owns her. How do you think that makes me feel Doc? That’s my baby.”
Marlena tried to hold onto her composure. Her voice was failing her as she searched for consoling words. “John, it’s not Roman’s fault. We did this. We made this mess.”
“Baby, it’s not a mess. What we feel for each other is not a mess,” he whispered dejectedly. “This is exactly why we’re in this situation now,” John said trying to control his temper. “You have a sense of moral obligation to stay married to a man you don’t love.”
“I love my husband,” she cried.
“What about me?” He goaded. “What about me… Isabella’s father. I’m the man who gave you up willingly because everyone told me it was the right thing to do.”
Marlena cupped her forehead, “John. We can’t undo the past.” She brought her hand to her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to hold her feelings at bay. “It’ll destroy everyone I love.”
“Except me…” John said quietly.
Marlena shifted her weight from one leg to another. “John. You chose Isabella. It was your decision.”
“No Doc, I’m not going to allow you to rewrite our history. You wanted Roman but you made love to me.” He said angrily. “We made Belle.”
“Don’t use the feelings I have for you against me. I wasn’t alone in making her John. You knew the situation. I was married to Roman… I am married to Roman. You took advantage of the way I felt about you. ” Marlena told him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “ You should have fought for us… you didn’t.”
“Doc I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you honey. I love you. The only thing in my life I’ve ever been sure of is how much I love you.”
Marlena sighed heavily. “John please don’t say that. This is hard enough to settle. You told me in the hospital that this wasn’t about us. It’s not.”
“No, listen to me… you know me better than anyone else. Doc, you know that I can’t let another man raise my child. That’s not the kind of man I am, honey. Do you need a test to prove that she’s mine?”
Marlena whispered no. She closed the gap between them, allowing John to be closer to her. The barriers were broken. There was only the truth that they carried in their hearts; Belle was definitely John’s daughter.
“I know whose baby Belle is. When she looks at me all I can see is your face,” she said running her fingers down John’s angular jawbone. “I can see Brady’s face in the way she yawns and sucks on her hand. Everything about her reminds me of you.” Marlena pulled her hand back realizing what her touch must be doing to John.
“Well?”
“John. I need time to think. This is just too soon. We’ve only been home a week. I need to time to adjust.” She said. “Will you allow me to figure this out?”
“Doc?”
“John please…”
“No Doc, if you think he’ll understand about us… you’re wrong. Roman’s going to hate me even more than he does now. And he’ll resent the fact that he has to raise another man’s child. Whatever you’re thinking is not going to work.”
“Will you let me try to find a solution?”
“There is only one solution,” John said stubbornly. “Come home with me. You and Belle.”
Marlena turned incredulously on her heel. “What about Sami and Carrie… not to mention my husband? John we’re not going to be together. I’m not leaving my husband.”
“Marlena from the moment you walked back into this town you’ve wanted to be with me. People aren’t blind honey. They can see how much we love each other. Honey, I know that you think it’s wrong.” John walked away from Marlena. Their closeness betrayed what he was truly feeling. He wanted to hold her in his arms again, to kiss Marlena until she moaned his name softly in his ear. However, John was angry at Marlena’s constant denial. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. “I didn’t take advantage of you on that plane. How could you say something like that to me? I made a decision for both us that night. I wanted to make you forget Roman and your obligations for one night.”
“It wasn’t your decision to make,” Marlena countered bitterly. “I’m an adult John.”
“Doc, this is getting us nowhere.”
“So don’t pursue this any longer John. Just let it be.”
John pressed his palms to his forehead. “Doc… don’t ask me to give up on my daughter.”
“John don’t make me chose between you and Roman.” Marlena pleaded.
“I thought you’d already done that.” He said angrily, leaving her alone.
