Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:17:17 GMT -5
1.4 Your Love Has Captured Me
“Thou has wept to know
That things depart which never may return
Childhood & youth, friendship & love’s first glow
Have fled like sweet dreams, leaving thee to mourn.”
--Percy Bysshe Shelley
Zen... what did she know about Zen? The room was so dimly lit that she prayed John couldn’t see the affect of his words over her. She inhaled.
Breathe.
Breath by breath she remind herself.
He was eyeing her so intently that she had to avert her eyes to floor level. His breaths were slow, shallow breaths that warmed the bridge of her nose. Marlena had endeavored ineffectively to avoid their connection—the sensual, sexually charged connection—of John standing too closely, his words intoxicating every sense in her body. She’d tried to escape quietly from this room, but his voice impeded those efforts. Her legs stopped suddenly, her body turning to face those words: what do you know about Zen?
John spoke with such eloquent passion—she didn’t know he could recite stories about Buddha—that it was all she could do not to fall in his arms once more. On the plane, she’d given her body unselfishly without much thought. This was different. This time her mind was seduced by this man who had been her husband; her heart was falling to his will, her body to his emotional ministration.
A warm light bathed John, highlighting the blue-black hue of his thick hair, romanticizing the very nature of this man. The dark suit fit his well-defined body perfectly. She wanted to reach out and touch some part of him, to lessen the emotional distance. In his arms, Marlena could feel as if they were meant to be together. Together they existed; apart they were two lonely souls wallowing in self-sacrificing pity. Then suddenly a thought struck Marlena wholly; his face flashed in her mind’s eye: Roman—her husband. Roman. Roman. Roman.
“Doc… are you okay?”
Roman’s voice startled her awake. She sat up quickly, realizing that she was dreaming again of the intense night with John, when she’d betrayed Roman for a second time. “I’m fine. I’m just fine.” She said running her fingers through her blonde hair nervously.
“You must have been dreaming. You’ve been tossing and turning all night.” He told her pulling a crisp dark t-shirt over his bare chest. His hair was still glistening from his morning shower. His face was fresh from a close shave.
Smiling impishly, she questioned, “Was I,” feeling a warmness color her cheeks with embarrassment.
“I think so. I hope they were good dreams… about me,” he said with a smirk that made her smile widen.
“Of course,” she said sarcastically. “Is Belle still asleep?” She asked pulling her slender, long legs over the side of the bed before reaching for her robe.
“At last check she was. That little girl is such an angel. What’s this been three weeks and she’s already sleeping through the night?”
“Four weeks Commander. Our daughter is four weeks old today as a matter of fact.” Her words slipped out so easily that she didn’t have time to regret them. Regret surfaced after the comment, after she looked into Roman’s pride-filled face.
“The twins were relentless in the beginning. They were never as peaceful as the little princess,” Roman recalled pulling jeans over his well-defined legs.
Marlena shrugged, “maybe we’re just better at parenting now. Besides what do you know of the twins’ relentlessness? I recall being the only parent who woke up every night with them for the first three weeks of their lives.”
“Oh you do?”
She stood to her full height; her pre-pregnancy body of a tall, slender build returning. “Yes I do. In fact, when Belle does awake I think she’d like to see her Daddy’s face.”
Roman followed Marlena’s path to the bathroom encasing her waist from behind. He nuzzled his chin into her neck gently. She chided herself that this was the natural way to love; not to be consumed by such passion and uncontrollable urges—the way she felt in John’s presence. “I can’t do it, Doc. I’ve been waiting to tell you…”
“Tell me what,” she said loosening his grip on her waist, pivoting on the balls of her bare feet to face him.
“Honey, I’ve been putting this off for weeks. I didn’t want to leave you and the baby so soon.” He explained quickly.
Marlena pursed her lips tightly together, raising her eyebrow curiously. “Roman.”
“An assignment… I leave today.”
“What?” She asked incredulously, “an assignment? Where?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Of course you can’t,” she said stalking off angrily. “You never change. I don’t know why I expected that this would change. It’ll be just like when the twins were babies.”
“It’ll never be like that again, Doc.” He said recognizing the haunted look in her eye, remembering that she’d suffered when he disappeared so soon after the twins’ birth. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised solemnly.
“You didn’t have much choice the last time Roman. So tell me, how many lives do you have to save before you feel like it’s enough?”
Her question confounded Roman. “Doc, what’s this about? This is my job. It’s what I do. You know that.”
“Don’t tell me what I know Roman. I know that we have a little girl… a beautiful little girl who I want you to be around to raise. It was your choice to have another baby Roman. You wanted a second chance to make things right. Your second chance is laying in the crib down the hallway.”
“Why are you picking a fight Marlena? What’s this really about?” He said stepping closer to her.
“I’m not. This is about us.” She said softly. “I’m not going to do this alone Roman.” She couldn’t do this—be alone with no barriers, no excuses.
“Do what alone? Honey, I’ll be back in three days. You’re not alone. Ma’s here to help you. Sami’s down the hall. Carrie will be here whenever you call her. Come on Doc don’t do this to me.”
“What… make you not feel guilty for leaving your newborn daughter and wife?” She said wryly shaking her head. “I don’t want to fight with you, Roman.”
“Good then don’t.”
She resigned herself to the inevitable. “I won’t. Just come back to us. Okay?” Marlena wrapped her arms around Roman’s neck.
“You know I will. This isn’t a dangerous case at all, honey. I’m simply following up on some leads.” He looped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been married to.” He told her smiling boyishly.
Marlena swatted his chest. “You goof.”
“I’m sorry about leaving. Kiss me Doc.”
She pressed delicately on his soft mouth, cupping his face in her warm hands. He responded, holding her tightly in an overwhelming embrace. He overpowered her mouth quickly, almost brutally. She was fighting for breaths when Roman’s hands slipped effortlessly beneath her robe running toward the small of her bare back.
“Honey,” Marlena said squirming in his embrace, reminding him with two well-manicured fingers, “two more weeks.”
Roman lowered his head to connect with her forehead. “Two more weeks?”
“Mm hmm.”
He pressed his mouth impatiently against her lips again before letting go. “I have to get going here or I’m going to miss my plane.”
“Yes you’d better,” she said heading to check on Belle.
“Honey?”
“Yes.”
Conflict lined Roman’s drawn face. “It’s John… John isn’t welcome here… not while I’m away.”
She couldn’t find words to respond.
“If I’m overstepping my boundaries…”
Marlena shook her head wordlessly.
“Then I’m not?” He said before continuing, “He should try and focus on Brady… try and make a new life for himself.” Roman lifted his overnight bag to the bed watching Marlena for her response.
She walked out of the room silently, whispering to herself, “if only it were that easy Roman.”
“A penny for your thoughts,” Kristen said interrupting John’s solitude in the park. He was watching Brady and his nanny Elsa a few feet in front of him playing.
John looked up and smiled at Kristen. “Hello.”
“Brady seems to be enjoying himself,” she said taking the seat beside John. “And his daddy seems to be in deep thought. Are you okay?”
John exhaled, “Oh, yes. I’m just fine.”
“It definitely sounds like it John. I would like to help if I can.” She offered placing her hand on John’s elbow. She was fascinated by the mysteriousness of John Black. She had always been fascinated by him. He was one of the most sensitive, kindest men she’d ever known. The men in her life exerted their power in brutal, overwhelming ways. John was different. He was powerful and yet the gentlest soul she’d ever encountered. “I haven’t seen you since we helped bring Marlena’s baby into this world. How is she doing?”
John’s face shifted, closing off at the mention of his daughter. “Well… she’s doing well. Doc’s an excellent mother.”
Kristen noted the pain in John’s voice when he mentioned Marlena and her daughter. She could see their connection in the Horton cabin. “This must be a tough situation for you. You were married to her?” She asked cautiously, trying to sound friendlier rather than interrogative. They were friends, she decided. John had saved her life in the park, and then helped draw her out of her shyness. They’d been to small dinners and functions together, all platonically. She was ready for more. She had been ready for more the night of Belle’s birth.
“Yes I was,” he said, unwilling to rehash his past with Marlena with anyone. “It was a long time ago Kristen.”
“I’m not trying to pry John. I just wondered…”
“Wondered what Kristen?”
“How does that work out? How do you, Marlena, and Roman stay in the same town. I mean after all the mix up’s and marriages?”
“They live their lives and I live mine.” He stated plainly, wondering what Kristen was digging for. “Besides I have Brady to focus on.”
Kristen followed John’s eyes toward Brady. “Were you as carefree and playful as Brady… when you were a little boy?”
John’s voice softened, “I guess all little boys are. I don’t remember my childhood at all.”
“Was it a horrible childhood?”
“I don’t remember anything. I have amnesia concerning my past.”
“I’m sorry John.” She drew her hand around John’s shoulders. “You must have had a wonderful life… you’re such a kind and giving man.”
John shrugged offering her a small smile. “I am the man that I am because of…”
Kristen hung on his words eagerly. “Because of who John?”
“No one,” he told her dropping his head into his hands. He felt Kristen’s hands fall down his back, where she began massaging soothing sweeps across the knots in his back.
“John?” John looked up to follow the familiar voice. Carrie ran toward him with her arms outstretched.
“Hi Punkin, what are you doing here?” He asked her, squeezing her closely.
Carrie pointed toward the entrance of the park where Marlena, Sami, and Belle were standing watching their exchange. Sami stood steadfast at her mother’s side. Her hand on the handle of Belle’s stroller and laced with her mother’s fingers. After a few awkward seconds, they walked over to John and Carrie in measured steps.
“Hello Kristen… John.” Marlena avoided both of their faces. She’d witnessed Kristen’s hands traveling across John’s back.
Sami shot a polite smile at John and Kristen.
“Hello Marlena. She’s absolutely beautiful,” Kristen said bending over Belle’s stroller.
“Thank you.”
“Kristen’s right,” John agreed, kneeling beside Belle’s stroller. He reached in to scoop Belle into his arms. He felt Marlena’s silent glaring, the quiet disapproval. In any other place, he would have followed her wishes, and not held Belle but the moment was so innocent. Sami and Marlena stood beside each other pretending that everything was normal between them. Even though John felt extremely connected to not only Belle but also to Carrie and Sami.
“She’s so sweet John.” Carrie mentioned, realizing that Brady was a few feet away. “Brady’s here. Come on Sami.”
Marlena’s face brightened, “How is Brady doing John?” She said, breaking the ice between them.
“He’s wonderful Doc.”
A proud smile creased Marlena’s lips. “That’s magnificent John. He’s a brilliant boy. Isabella would be so proud.”
John agreed, shifting Belle in his arms. He could feel the uncomfortable, irritable way Belle was acting. “Is she okay Doc?”
“Yes. Why do you ask?”
“Doesn’t she seem… I don’t know… not herself.”
“No. She seems rather normal to me. Let me have her,” she said reaching for Belle. She checked her forehead for warmness. “She’s not warm.”
“I don’t know Doc. She’s seems kind of off to me.”
“She’s fine John.” Marlena said putting Belle back into her stroller. “I just remembered something I have to do at home.” She told him, waving weakly before heading in the direction of the girls and Brady.
John watched her lift Brady and kiss him until he broke into a smile. His son in her arms, their baby in the stroller at her side… the family he wanted. He was removed his daydream by Kristen’s touch. She stood closely at his side watching Marlena and the children.
“You love her, don’t you John?”
His cheeks flushed red. “Of course I love her. I’ll always love Doc.”
“Thou has wept to know
That things depart which never may return
Childhood & youth, friendship & love’s first glow
Have fled like sweet dreams, leaving thee to mourn.”
--Percy Bysshe Shelley
Zen... what did she know about Zen? The room was so dimly lit that she prayed John couldn’t see the affect of his words over her. She inhaled.
Breathe.
Breath by breath she remind herself.
He was eyeing her so intently that she had to avert her eyes to floor level. His breaths were slow, shallow breaths that warmed the bridge of her nose. Marlena had endeavored ineffectively to avoid their connection—the sensual, sexually charged connection—of John standing too closely, his words intoxicating every sense in her body. She’d tried to escape quietly from this room, but his voice impeded those efforts. Her legs stopped suddenly, her body turning to face those words: what do you know about Zen?
John spoke with such eloquent passion—she didn’t know he could recite stories about Buddha—that it was all she could do not to fall in his arms once more. On the plane, she’d given her body unselfishly without much thought. This was different. This time her mind was seduced by this man who had been her husband; her heart was falling to his will, her body to his emotional ministration.
A warm light bathed John, highlighting the blue-black hue of his thick hair, romanticizing the very nature of this man. The dark suit fit his well-defined body perfectly. She wanted to reach out and touch some part of him, to lessen the emotional distance. In his arms, Marlena could feel as if they were meant to be together. Together they existed; apart they were two lonely souls wallowing in self-sacrificing pity. Then suddenly a thought struck Marlena wholly; his face flashed in her mind’s eye: Roman—her husband. Roman. Roman. Roman.
“Doc… are you okay?”
Roman’s voice startled her awake. She sat up quickly, realizing that she was dreaming again of the intense night with John, when she’d betrayed Roman for a second time. “I’m fine. I’m just fine.” She said running her fingers through her blonde hair nervously.
“You must have been dreaming. You’ve been tossing and turning all night.” He told her pulling a crisp dark t-shirt over his bare chest. His hair was still glistening from his morning shower. His face was fresh from a close shave.
Smiling impishly, she questioned, “Was I,” feeling a warmness color her cheeks with embarrassment.
“I think so. I hope they were good dreams… about me,” he said with a smirk that made her smile widen.
“Of course,” she said sarcastically. “Is Belle still asleep?” She asked pulling her slender, long legs over the side of the bed before reaching for her robe.
“At last check she was. That little girl is such an angel. What’s this been three weeks and she’s already sleeping through the night?”
“Four weeks Commander. Our daughter is four weeks old today as a matter of fact.” Her words slipped out so easily that she didn’t have time to regret them. Regret surfaced after the comment, after she looked into Roman’s pride-filled face.
“The twins were relentless in the beginning. They were never as peaceful as the little princess,” Roman recalled pulling jeans over his well-defined legs.
Marlena shrugged, “maybe we’re just better at parenting now. Besides what do you know of the twins’ relentlessness? I recall being the only parent who woke up every night with them for the first three weeks of their lives.”
“Oh you do?”
She stood to her full height; her pre-pregnancy body of a tall, slender build returning. “Yes I do. In fact, when Belle does awake I think she’d like to see her Daddy’s face.”
Roman followed Marlena’s path to the bathroom encasing her waist from behind. He nuzzled his chin into her neck gently. She chided herself that this was the natural way to love; not to be consumed by such passion and uncontrollable urges—the way she felt in John’s presence. “I can’t do it, Doc. I’ve been waiting to tell you…”
“Tell me what,” she said loosening his grip on her waist, pivoting on the balls of her bare feet to face him.
“Honey, I’ve been putting this off for weeks. I didn’t want to leave you and the baby so soon.” He explained quickly.
Marlena pursed her lips tightly together, raising her eyebrow curiously. “Roman.”
“An assignment… I leave today.”
“What?” She asked incredulously, “an assignment? Where?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Of course you can’t,” she said stalking off angrily. “You never change. I don’t know why I expected that this would change. It’ll be just like when the twins were babies.”
“It’ll never be like that again, Doc.” He said recognizing the haunted look in her eye, remembering that she’d suffered when he disappeared so soon after the twins’ birth. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised solemnly.
“You didn’t have much choice the last time Roman. So tell me, how many lives do you have to save before you feel like it’s enough?”
Her question confounded Roman. “Doc, what’s this about? This is my job. It’s what I do. You know that.”
“Don’t tell me what I know Roman. I know that we have a little girl… a beautiful little girl who I want you to be around to raise. It was your choice to have another baby Roman. You wanted a second chance to make things right. Your second chance is laying in the crib down the hallway.”
“Why are you picking a fight Marlena? What’s this really about?” He said stepping closer to her.
“I’m not. This is about us.” She said softly. “I’m not going to do this alone Roman.” She couldn’t do this—be alone with no barriers, no excuses.
“Do what alone? Honey, I’ll be back in three days. You’re not alone. Ma’s here to help you. Sami’s down the hall. Carrie will be here whenever you call her. Come on Doc don’t do this to me.”
“What… make you not feel guilty for leaving your newborn daughter and wife?” She said wryly shaking her head. “I don’t want to fight with you, Roman.”
“Good then don’t.”
She resigned herself to the inevitable. “I won’t. Just come back to us. Okay?” Marlena wrapped her arms around Roman’s neck.
“You know I will. This isn’t a dangerous case at all, honey. I’m simply following up on some leads.” He looped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been married to.” He told her smiling boyishly.
Marlena swatted his chest. “You goof.”
“I’m sorry about leaving. Kiss me Doc.”
She pressed delicately on his soft mouth, cupping his face in her warm hands. He responded, holding her tightly in an overwhelming embrace. He overpowered her mouth quickly, almost brutally. She was fighting for breaths when Roman’s hands slipped effortlessly beneath her robe running toward the small of her bare back.
“Honey,” Marlena said squirming in his embrace, reminding him with two well-manicured fingers, “two more weeks.”
Roman lowered his head to connect with her forehead. “Two more weeks?”
“Mm hmm.”
He pressed his mouth impatiently against her lips again before letting go. “I have to get going here or I’m going to miss my plane.”
“Yes you’d better,” she said heading to check on Belle.
“Honey?”
“Yes.”
Conflict lined Roman’s drawn face. “It’s John… John isn’t welcome here… not while I’m away.”
She couldn’t find words to respond.
“If I’m overstepping my boundaries…”
Marlena shook her head wordlessly.
“Then I’m not?” He said before continuing, “He should try and focus on Brady… try and make a new life for himself.” Roman lifted his overnight bag to the bed watching Marlena for her response.
She walked out of the room silently, whispering to herself, “if only it were that easy Roman.”
“A penny for your thoughts,” Kristen said interrupting John’s solitude in the park. He was watching Brady and his nanny Elsa a few feet in front of him playing.
John looked up and smiled at Kristen. “Hello.”
“Brady seems to be enjoying himself,” she said taking the seat beside John. “And his daddy seems to be in deep thought. Are you okay?”
John exhaled, “Oh, yes. I’m just fine.”
“It definitely sounds like it John. I would like to help if I can.” She offered placing her hand on John’s elbow. She was fascinated by the mysteriousness of John Black. She had always been fascinated by him. He was one of the most sensitive, kindest men she’d ever known. The men in her life exerted their power in brutal, overwhelming ways. John was different. He was powerful and yet the gentlest soul she’d ever encountered. “I haven’t seen you since we helped bring Marlena’s baby into this world. How is she doing?”
John’s face shifted, closing off at the mention of his daughter. “Well… she’s doing well. Doc’s an excellent mother.”
Kristen noted the pain in John’s voice when he mentioned Marlena and her daughter. She could see their connection in the Horton cabin. “This must be a tough situation for you. You were married to her?” She asked cautiously, trying to sound friendlier rather than interrogative. They were friends, she decided. John had saved her life in the park, and then helped draw her out of her shyness. They’d been to small dinners and functions together, all platonically. She was ready for more. She had been ready for more the night of Belle’s birth.
“Yes I was,” he said, unwilling to rehash his past with Marlena with anyone. “It was a long time ago Kristen.”
“I’m not trying to pry John. I just wondered…”
“Wondered what Kristen?”
“How does that work out? How do you, Marlena, and Roman stay in the same town. I mean after all the mix up’s and marriages?”
“They live their lives and I live mine.” He stated plainly, wondering what Kristen was digging for. “Besides I have Brady to focus on.”
Kristen followed John’s eyes toward Brady. “Were you as carefree and playful as Brady… when you were a little boy?”
John’s voice softened, “I guess all little boys are. I don’t remember my childhood at all.”
“Was it a horrible childhood?”
“I don’t remember anything. I have amnesia concerning my past.”
“I’m sorry John.” She drew her hand around John’s shoulders. “You must have had a wonderful life… you’re such a kind and giving man.”
John shrugged offering her a small smile. “I am the man that I am because of…”
Kristen hung on his words eagerly. “Because of who John?”
“No one,” he told her dropping his head into his hands. He felt Kristen’s hands fall down his back, where she began massaging soothing sweeps across the knots in his back.
“John?” John looked up to follow the familiar voice. Carrie ran toward him with her arms outstretched.
“Hi Punkin, what are you doing here?” He asked her, squeezing her closely.
Carrie pointed toward the entrance of the park where Marlena, Sami, and Belle were standing watching their exchange. Sami stood steadfast at her mother’s side. Her hand on the handle of Belle’s stroller and laced with her mother’s fingers. After a few awkward seconds, they walked over to John and Carrie in measured steps.
“Hello Kristen… John.” Marlena avoided both of their faces. She’d witnessed Kristen’s hands traveling across John’s back.
Sami shot a polite smile at John and Kristen.
“Hello Marlena. She’s absolutely beautiful,” Kristen said bending over Belle’s stroller.
“Thank you.”
“Kristen’s right,” John agreed, kneeling beside Belle’s stroller. He reached in to scoop Belle into his arms. He felt Marlena’s silent glaring, the quiet disapproval. In any other place, he would have followed her wishes, and not held Belle but the moment was so innocent. Sami and Marlena stood beside each other pretending that everything was normal between them. Even though John felt extremely connected to not only Belle but also to Carrie and Sami.
“She’s so sweet John.” Carrie mentioned, realizing that Brady was a few feet away. “Brady’s here. Come on Sami.”
Marlena’s face brightened, “How is Brady doing John?” She said, breaking the ice between them.
“He’s wonderful Doc.”
A proud smile creased Marlena’s lips. “That’s magnificent John. He’s a brilliant boy. Isabella would be so proud.”
John agreed, shifting Belle in his arms. He could feel the uncomfortable, irritable way Belle was acting. “Is she okay Doc?”
“Yes. Why do you ask?”
“Doesn’t she seem… I don’t know… not herself.”
“No. She seems rather normal to me. Let me have her,” she said reaching for Belle. She checked her forehead for warmness. “She’s not warm.”
“I don’t know Doc. She’s seems kind of off to me.”
“She’s fine John.” Marlena said putting Belle back into her stroller. “I just remembered something I have to do at home.” She told him, waving weakly before heading in the direction of the girls and Brady.
John watched her lift Brady and kiss him until he broke into a smile. His son in her arms, their baby in the stroller at her side… the family he wanted. He was removed his daydream by Kristen’s touch. She stood closely at his side watching Marlena and the children.
“You love her, don’t you John?”
His cheeks flushed red. “Of course I love her. I’ll always love Doc.”
