Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:19:04 GMT -5
1.5 Over and Over Again
Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life.
--Maureen Hawkins
There was a silence, so deafening and disconcerting that the presence itself, sent a quiver throughout her body. Silence offers despair only to those hearts who know it intimately, draping heavily in empty rooms, rumbling elusively against walls, and crawling seductively across floorboards where footsteps and familiar voices seldom treaded. Her soul listened with uneasy comfort. She slid into a bath filled with vanilla scented oils; a stem of chilled wine perched in her well-manicured hand. The cool liquid ran down her throat smoothly. And with it, she was better suited for the demons of her life. Though being better suited in this case led always to a hazy mind and emotional depths of sorrow and tears. The situation hounded her. From darkness toward the morning light, she could not escape the place that was swallowing her up. And being Marlena, being herself floundered beneath her effort to do anything beyond exist. It was the theory of her life changing, unnoticeably, when even the obvious is not such anymore. Where the meaning of her existence shifted gradually away from where she began. ‘Nothing changes,’ her mother had promised her when she was still a college student, ‘We only get older and therefore better at adapting.’ Marlena closed her eyes and slid farther into the water. Her mother had been mistaken. Everything changes. Life happens, sometimes so abruptly that simply living through the moment is all you can do. She had been doing simply that: living through moments of uncomfortable silences, uncertainty, and extreme heartbreak. Why did John have the ability to usurp the very nature of who she knew herself to be? Marlena lost all sensibilities in light of him. She was embarrassed by her response to seeing John and Kristen together in the park. Jealously had struck her unnoticeably, but internally she was raging.
“Oh John.” She cried, pulling her hand to smother her mouth. Tears welled and trailed slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t want to be jealous of John; she had no right to be. He was not her husband anymore. John was a man. Woman loved him. There had been women who filled her place before: Diana, Isabella, and now seemingly Kristen. Being reminded of them saddened Marlena deeply. It also angered her that John was always searching for someone to fill her place. What right did he have to do so? John had every right she reminded herself… he wasn’t her responsibility any longer. She had chosen Roman—chosen her family. It was the most responsible thing to do.
Marlena sipped some more wine. She had been remembering what John had been to her, in those lost years after Roman’s unexpected death. When she believed wholeheartedly that John was Roman, and that he was the husband who had left her. In all honesty, she’d known there was something different about John. He spoke the words and knew tidbits of history, but he was something different all together. He was emotionally unlike the Roman who Marlena had married. Falling in love with John changed Marlena’s soul; she was a completely transformed person in his presence. He reached her, even then when she was so unreachable—filled with an unending grief and sadness—he made her life bloom. She’d never felt more alive than when she was in his presence, even before Samantha’s death. John’s love for her made her feel human again. She’d lost a touch of humanity in all of the loss she sustained: Samantha, Roman, and even D.J. and Don. Nothing had prepared her for the impact that John’s brand of living had on her. Without John in those years, she would probably have not made it out of the long season of darkness. However, he had been there; he was always there. Marlena was afraid to admit it aloud but she knew that John would never leave. He would never leave Belle and more importantly, he would never leave Belle’s mother.
The sound of Belle’s ragged breathing sharpened her attention to the monitor beside the tub. She lifted it to her ear and listened intently. Belle had been sleeping peacefully in her crib when Marlena left her to take a bath. Carrie and Sami had decided to go the movies and then stay overnight at respective friends. Marlena grabbed a large towel, drying herself quickly. She draped her robe over her shoulders and hurried to Belle’s room.
The lullaby mobile was still singing a meditating, chime above Belle’s crib. “Belle… honey.” Marlena lifted Belle’s listless body to her chest. She could feel the warmness of her Belle’s cheeks pressing against her skin. Belle’s breathing was tempered. Marlena put her back into the crib. She found a thermometer to take Belle’s temperature. She squirmed at the intrusion of the thermometer, the sound ascending from a low whine to a full-fledged piercing cry. “Mama’s here honey.” She assured her, rubbing her back soothingly. Marlena picked up the phone beside Belle’s bed and naturally dialed John’s phone number.
“John Black.”
Marlena was relieved to hear his voice. She gasped his name, “John,” as she was simultaneously dressing Belle in a sleeper. “It’s Belle. She has a fever… I’m going to take her to University hospital.”
“Baby, is she okay?” He asked pointedly concerned. “Where are you?”
“John, calm down. She’s fine for now. I’m getting her dressed.”
“I’ll be there.”
“No,” she protested, buttoning the last button on Belle’s sleeper. “I’m going to call an ambulance.
“You haven’t done that yet?” He asked raising his voice. “Where’s Roman?”
“Out of town,” Marlena said loosing her cool. She was beginning to feel overwhelmed in the empty house with Belle’s crying and John’s anxious voice in her ear.
“Doc, I’m coming now. Call the doctor.”
“John…”
“Call,” he barked at her. “Is she conscious?”
“Yes. Her breathing is a little ragged and she has a fever. It’s not life-threatening John.”
“I’ll be there.” He said ending the call prematurely.
She picked Belle back up and phoned University hospital. She informed Mike Horton of Belle’s condition. He told her to remain calm and wait for the ambulance to arrive. She hung up and realized that she still needed to get herself dressed. With Belle hugged securely to her body, she hurried back into her room. After laying Belle in the center of the bed, she dressed hastily in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt of Roman’s.
“Mama’s going to make sure your all better baby girl. Daddy’s coming. We’re going to be fine,” she assured herself and Belle. She slipped on a pair of shoes and came back to find Belle lying still in the center of the bed. She touched her chest, realizing that she wasn’t breathing anymore.
“Honey… Belle…. Don’t do this to Mama,” she said, hovering above her. Belle’s skin was pale. A blue tint colored her small lips. Marlena began to panic. “Belle… wake up.” She immediately began administering mouth-to-mouth. “No… honey. You have to breathe. Come on” She told her in between breaths. “I’m not going to let you do this.” She warned her. D.J’s lifeless body flashed in her mind. “Baby please, wake up.” She breathed soft breaths into her daughter’s small body again. “Come on Belle. Breath.” She yelled. In the chaos she heard footfalls descending the stairs, padding quickly down the hallway towards them.
“What’s wrong Doc?” John asked rushing into the room.
“She stopped breathing two seconds ago,” she said, giving Belle another set of breaths.
“Give her to me Doc.” He demanded moving Marlena away from Belle. “Belle, it’s your Daddy here. Now I’m not going to let you leave here like this.” He began with CPR. “I love you. Your mother loves you.” He told her in between breaths. “You have to come back to us. I won’t let you die baby. Come on sweetheart, breath for Daddy.” He commanded, watching as Belle slowly began taking breathes. “That’s it honey. You can do it. Just breathe for daddy.” He picked Belle up and held her in his arms, kissing her head several times. “Thank God. Oh God… thank you so much.”
Marlena was undone. Her emotions flowed effortlessly from her body. She allowed John’s arms to wrap around her, their daughter cemented between them in their embrace. Belle’s even breaths warmed John’s neck. “She’s okay Doc.” John promised her.
“Thank you. Oh Belle… I love you,” she said kissing Belle. “Your daddy saved your life… again.”
“Mama wasn’t so bad either,” John said pressing his lips to Marlena’s forehead. “Come on Doc. Let’s get her downstairs for the ambulance.”
“John, thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he told her, cupping her chin between his fingers. “I’m her daddy. I’ll always protect this little girl. I love you, Doc.” His emotions overwhelmed him, without thinking, he kissed her. She didn’t pull away. She allowed him to linger on her lips, relishing the intensity of his mouth, the sensation of his lips pulling passionately on hers. Belle’s muffled cry pulled them apart. “Let’s go Doc.”
Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life.
--Maureen Hawkins
There was a silence, so deafening and disconcerting that the presence itself, sent a quiver throughout her body. Silence offers despair only to those hearts who know it intimately, draping heavily in empty rooms, rumbling elusively against walls, and crawling seductively across floorboards where footsteps and familiar voices seldom treaded. Her soul listened with uneasy comfort. She slid into a bath filled with vanilla scented oils; a stem of chilled wine perched in her well-manicured hand. The cool liquid ran down her throat smoothly. And with it, she was better suited for the demons of her life. Though being better suited in this case led always to a hazy mind and emotional depths of sorrow and tears. The situation hounded her. From darkness toward the morning light, she could not escape the place that was swallowing her up. And being Marlena, being herself floundered beneath her effort to do anything beyond exist. It was the theory of her life changing, unnoticeably, when even the obvious is not such anymore. Where the meaning of her existence shifted gradually away from where she began. ‘Nothing changes,’ her mother had promised her when she was still a college student, ‘We only get older and therefore better at adapting.’ Marlena closed her eyes and slid farther into the water. Her mother had been mistaken. Everything changes. Life happens, sometimes so abruptly that simply living through the moment is all you can do. She had been doing simply that: living through moments of uncomfortable silences, uncertainty, and extreme heartbreak. Why did John have the ability to usurp the very nature of who she knew herself to be? Marlena lost all sensibilities in light of him. She was embarrassed by her response to seeing John and Kristen together in the park. Jealously had struck her unnoticeably, but internally she was raging.
“Oh John.” She cried, pulling her hand to smother her mouth. Tears welled and trailed slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t want to be jealous of John; she had no right to be. He was not her husband anymore. John was a man. Woman loved him. There had been women who filled her place before: Diana, Isabella, and now seemingly Kristen. Being reminded of them saddened Marlena deeply. It also angered her that John was always searching for someone to fill her place. What right did he have to do so? John had every right she reminded herself… he wasn’t her responsibility any longer. She had chosen Roman—chosen her family. It was the most responsible thing to do.
Marlena sipped some more wine. She had been remembering what John had been to her, in those lost years after Roman’s unexpected death. When she believed wholeheartedly that John was Roman, and that he was the husband who had left her. In all honesty, she’d known there was something different about John. He spoke the words and knew tidbits of history, but he was something different all together. He was emotionally unlike the Roman who Marlena had married. Falling in love with John changed Marlena’s soul; she was a completely transformed person in his presence. He reached her, even then when she was so unreachable—filled with an unending grief and sadness—he made her life bloom. She’d never felt more alive than when she was in his presence, even before Samantha’s death. John’s love for her made her feel human again. She’d lost a touch of humanity in all of the loss she sustained: Samantha, Roman, and even D.J. and Don. Nothing had prepared her for the impact that John’s brand of living had on her. Without John in those years, she would probably have not made it out of the long season of darkness. However, he had been there; he was always there. Marlena was afraid to admit it aloud but she knew that John would never leave. He would never leave Belle and more importantly, he would never leave Belle’s mother.
The sound of Belle’s ragged breathing sharpened her attention to the monitor beside the tub. She lifted it to her ear and listened intently. Belle had been sleeping peacefully in her crib when Marlena left her to take a bath. Carrie and Sami had decided to go the movies and then stay overnight at respective friends. Marlena grabbed a large towel, drying herself quickly. She draped her robe over her shoulders and hurried to Belle’s room.
The lullaby mobile was still singing a meditating, chime above Belle’s crib. “Belle… honey.” Marlena lifted Belle’s listless body to her chest. She could feel the warmness of her Belle’s cheeks pressing against her skin. Belle’s breathing was tempered. Marlena put her back into the crib. She found a thermometer to take Belle’s temperature. She squirmed at the intrusion of the thermometer, the sound ascending from a low whine to a full-fledged piercing cry. “Mama’s here honey.” She assured her, rubbing her back soothingly. Marlena picked up the phone beside Belle’s bed and naturally dialed John’s phone number.
“John Black.”
Marlena was relieved to hear his voice. She gasped his name, “John,” as she was simultaneously dressing Belle in a sleeper. “It’s Belle. She has a fever… I’m going to take her to University hospital.”
“Baby, is she okay?” He asked pointedly concerned. “Where are you?”
“John, calm down. She’s fine for now. I’m getting her dressed.”
“I’ll be there.”
“No,” she protested, buttoning the last button on Belle’s sleeper. “I’m going to call an ambulance.
“You haven’t done that yet?” He asked raising his voice. “Where’s Roman?”
“Out of town,” Marlena said loosing her cool. She was beginning to feel overwhelmed in the empty house with Belle’s crying and John’s anxious voice in her ear.
“Doc, I’m coming now. Call the doctor.”
“John…”
“Call,” he barked at her. “Is she conscious?”
“Yes. Her breathing is a little ragged and she has a fever. It’s not life-threatening John.”
“I’ll be there.” He said ending the call prematurely.
She picked Belle back up and phoned University hospital. She informed Mike Horton of Belle’s condition. He told her to remain calm and wait for the ambulance to arrive. She hung up and realized that she still needed to get herself dressed. With Belle hugged securely to her body, she hurried back into her room. After laying Belle in the center of the bed, she dressed hastily in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt of Roman’s.
“Mama’s going to make sure your all better baby girl. Daddy’s coming. We’re going to be fine,” she assured herself and Belle. She slipped on a pair of shoes and came back to find Belle lying still in the center of the bed. She touched her chest, realizing that she wasn’t breathing anymore.
“Honey… Belle…. Don’t do this to Mama,” she said, hovering above her. Belle’s skin was pale. A blue tint colored her small lips. Marlena began to panic. “Belle… wake up.” She immediately began administering mouth-to-mouth. “No… honey. You have to breathe. Come on” She told her in between breaths. “I’m not going to let you do this.” She warned her. D.J’s lifeless body flashed in her mind. “Baby please, wake up.” She breathed soft breaths into her daughter’s small body again. “Come on Belle. Breath.” She yelled. In the chaos she heard footfalls descending the stairs, padding quickly down the hallway towards them.
“What’s wrong Doc?” John asked rushing into the room.
“She stopped breathing two seconds ago,” she said, giving Belle another set of breaths.
“Give her to me Doc.” He demanded moving Marlena away from Belle. “Belle, it’s your Daddy here. Now I’m not going to let you leave here like this.” He began with CPR. “I love you. Your mother loves you.” He told her in between breaths. “You have to come back to us. I won’t let you die baby. Come on sweetheart, breath for Daddy.” He commanded, watching as Belle slowly began taking breathes. “That’s it honey. You can do it. Just breathe for daddy.” He picked Belle up and held her in his arms, kissing her head several times. “Thank God. Oh God… thank you so much.”
Marlena was undone. Her emotions flowed effortlessly from her body. She allowed John’s arms to wrap around her, their daughter cemented between them in their embrace. Belle’s even breaths warmed John’s neck. “She’s okay Doc.” John promised her.
“Thank you. Oh Belle… I love you,” she said kissing Belle. “Your daddy saved your life… again.”
“Mama wasn’t so bad either,” John said pressing his lips to Marlena’s forehead. “Come on Doc. Let’s get her downstairs for the ambulance.”
“John, thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he told her, cupping her chin between his fingers. “I’m her daddy. I’ll always protect this little girl. I love you, Doc.” His emotions overwhelmed him, without thinking, he kissed her. She didn’t pull away. She allowed him to linger on her lips, relishing the intensity of his mouth, the sensation of his lips pulling passionately on hers. Belle’s muffled cry pulled them apart. “Let’s go Doc.”
