Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:24:14 GMT -5
They left the hospital in absolute silence. Marlena was preoccupied with Belle and the instructions from Dr. James. She was finally resting peacefully in her carrier, strapped safely beside her mother in the back seat of John’s jeep. John watched her through the rearview mirror wordlessly; it was all he could do to control his anger. Her indecision was making John feel unsure of her feelings for him. They had to resolve their situation no matter the fallout. He decided that their situation would have to wait; their daughter’s health was the most important issue at hand. He was determined to stay with her despite Marlena’s protest.
“Where are we going?” Marlena asked when John missed the turn that would take them to their house.
“By the loft… I need to grab a couple of things.” He said pointedly.
“No, we’re going home.”
“And I’m going with you. I just need to grab some things from home.”
Marlena realized arguing was futile. She sat back and rode silently. When he stopped in front of the loft, he turned and unstrapped Belle’s carrier.
“Come on,” he ordered her. “You’re not staying out here in the dark with the baby. It’ll only be a minute. Come on.”
Marlena clenched her jaw together. Shaking her head dubiously, she climbed out of the jeep. She followed John and Belle into the building, choosing to stand in the far end of the elevator as they rode upstairs. She hesitated when they reached John’s floor.
“Doc, it’s drafty out here.” He said, balancing Belle in one hand as he found the key’s to open the door.
Marlena bit anxiously into her bottom lip as she tucked a piece of hair behind her eye and crossed her arms at her chest. John set Belle’s carrier on a level spot and proceeded to peel her blankets back. “There you go honey.” The rosy color of her apple cheeks was returning slowly. She smiled at the sound of John’s voice. “Make yourself comfortable.” He said, taking off his leather jacket.
Marlena stayed defiantly near the door. “I’m going to check on Sami and Carrie,” she said.
“The phone’s over here,” he said lifting a cordless from an end table beside the couch. “I’m going to go upstairs… if you need privacy.” He eyed her as she walked slowly toward him. They met in the center of the room and she reached for the phone, gasping inwardly from his touch. A similar scene flashed in her mind, when she’d practically begged John not to leave town and his response was to reject her completely. He’d watched her walk out of the door.
She mouthed thanks. She waited until he climbed the steps before sitting across from Belle on the couch. “Honey, we’re going to get home. I bet Carrie and Sami are worried about where we are. We haven’t called anyone to tell them how sick you were.” She called Carrie and Sami, both of whom had been unaware of her absence from home. She decided not to alarm them with Belle’s close call. She wished both girls her love before ending the respective calls. “I wonder if Roman’s called.” She wondered aloud, realizing that it had been two days since she last talked with him. “Roman where are you? I can’t do this without you.” She said biting back the tears that sprung naturally from her eyes. How could she blame him for not being there? She should have enough strength to be faithful to Roman. “We shouldn’t be here… I shouldn’t be here.” She looked at Belle sleeping in her carrier. The undeniable bond that she had with John had created her, sealing them together. The overwhelming feelings of love and devotion, guilt and deceit poured into her mercilessly. She sobbed uncontrollably into her hands, attempting to stifle her sobs.
“Doc? Doc don’t cry,” John pleaded with her, hurrying to her side. He knelt in front of her, taking her hands to interlace their fingers. “Talk to me… I want to help you.”
She lowered her eyes from John to the ground. “Everything about us hurts,” she admitted quietly. “Everything.”
“Don’t say that honey. It’s not true.”
“It is true. John we’re never going to be able to resolve this,” she said almost inaudibly.
“Honey, we’ll find a way.”
“No,” she said exasperatedly. She pulled her hands from John’s, knowing how easily his touch led to her betrayal of Roman. Standing to walk away, she was stopped by John’s forceful grip; he cupped her shoulders between his hands.
“Stop it. Stop running away from me.”
“John please take your hands off of me,” she demanded, raising her voice.
“Doc, you’re going to listen to me… do you understand?” He realized how loudly he was speaking when Belle whined from her carrier. John held Marlena by the arm while he checked Belle. She was still sleeping peacefully. “Come with me,” he insisted pulling her toward the stairs.
“No.” She said defiantly trying to plant herself firmly in the floor. John lifted her from her legs and threw her over his back. “John, stop this.”
“I want to talk to you. This is the only time I’ll get. Now you’re going to hear me,” he said carrying her into his bedroom. He set her down on her feet, blocking the doorway.
“John, what are you trying to do?”
“What are you thinking? I’m not going to attack you Marlena. I want to talk to you.”
“We don’t know how to talk. It always leads to…”
He finished the sentence for her, “expressing our love?”
She searched her mind for the words, forcing them out “committing adultery John. I’m married to Roman. No matter how I feel about you, that’s who I’m committed to.”
“Are you?”
She nodded.
“Not on the plane… and not on the conference room table.”
“John, we can’t ever do that again. I won’t betray Roman.”
“I’m not asking you too.” He told her softly. “When are you going to realize that what we have is more than just sex… I love you. I’m in love with you—everything about you. I’ve tried to move on baby, I really have. It’s impossible. I have tried to love other women and I can’t. What we have is beyond anything I can control.”
Marlena closed her eyes, “John I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I’m sorry Marlena but we’re going to talk about this. I can’t move on.”
“You’ve moved on,” she shouted angrily. “You never seem to have a problem doing that. What… you give those women your body while your heart stays connected to me. Now who’s deceiving themselves John? You loved Isabella. You had a child with Isabella.”
“Of course I loved her… but even Izzy knew that I was always in love with you.”
Marlena flinched, “don’t say that you loved me when you were with Isabella. She was your Izzy B,” she said sarcastically. “You wanted to be with her. I’m not upset at your choice.”
“We both made choices Doc. Didn’t you chose Roman by default?”
“No, I love my husband.”
“Who are you kidding?”
“Don’t question my love for Roman… you can never understand a marriage unless you’re in it.”
“I was in that marriage. I lived Roman’s life for years. I was Roman. We were husband and wife,” he reminded her angrily.
“John, it’s not the same thing. I met Roman first. I loved him first.”
“Oh Doc,” he said, throwing his hands in the air. “You don’t need everybody’s approval. You have me. I’ll be everything for you baby. I’ll make you forget what your life was like without me.”
John’s words stung Marlena. She lost her apprehension when she saw the sincerity in his face; he was absolutely offering himself without conditions.
“I forgive you Doc. I know you did the best you could do under the circumstances,” he continued, crossing the floor to be nearer to her. “I miss you so much… I feel alone without you. How can you say that everything about us hurts? Belle is us… she’s the part of us that God wouldn’t let us deny. I’ve turned myself inside for you. I’ll do it until you realize that you love me… no…until you are strong enough to leave Roman. If you come with me, baby I’ll take away all that sorrow in your face. Doc I’ve forgotten how to be myself without you, I don’t know how to do that without you.”
“John,” Marlena said unable to remain on her feet anymore. She dropped to the bed behind her. “He needs me.” She whispered.
“I need you more.” John pleaded, kneeling in front of her. “Doesn’t it mean anything that I love you… that I’ve always loved you.”
Tears fell endlessly down Marlena’s face, “Yes. It means everything to me. Everything about us does hurt me John, but sometimes I search for gentler memories so that I know there was a reason for us to be. And I remember all those times we had before I left you, when all I needed was your love. We were a family… the twins loved you. I loved you.”
“You still love me.” He said.
“Yes, you know that I still love you. I’ll always love you for making me feel so safe and loved. I missed that in my life after Roman died… and then you were there.”
“I’m still here.”
“John, it won’t work. It can’t. It would be next to impossible to be who we are now, knowing what we did to one another and still be all right with each other. Do you understand?”
“I don’t care about that Doc. When I saw Isabella lying there tonight, I knew that I would never be able to stand back and watch Roman raise her. I feel so connected to her that it physically hurts me to have Roman playing Daddy to her.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. Doc when you told God tonight to save our little girl, you made a promise that you can’t keep. You lied to Roman when you told him that you would stay away from me. You know that in your heart. I love you. You are in love with me, still. You want me still. I know that because I feel the same way. Whenever I’m in the room with you, I’m drawn to wherever you are. These bodies,” he said running his hands up her legs slowly, “are drawn to each. I can’t not make love to you.”
“No John,” she protested, trying to ease away. “We can’t.”
“Doc, shut up and kiss me,” he said cupping his hands on her face, brushing her lips with his mouth. The connection electrified every inch of Marlena’s body; she tried prying her mouth from his unsuccessfully.
“John please, I can’t do this to Roman.” She said, allowing John’s body to move on top of hers as he pushed her onto her back, climbing up her body.
He kissed her again, “don’t say his name,” he said in between kisses, “not tonight.”
“Where are we going?” Marlena asked when John missed the turn that would take them to their house.
“By the loft… I need to grab a couple of things.” He said pointedly.
“No, we’re going home.”
“And I’m going with you. I just need to grab some things from home.”
Marlena realized arguing was futile. She sat back and rode silently. When he stopped in front of the loft, he turned and unstrapped Belle’s carrier.
“Come on,” he ordered her. “You’re not staying out here in the dark with the baby. It’ll only be a minute. Come on.”
Marlena clenched her jaw together. Shaking her head dubiously, she climbed out of the jeep. She followed John and Belle into the building, choosing to stand in the far end of the elevator as they rode upstairs. She hesitated when they reached John’s floor.
“Doc, it’s drafty out here.” He said, balancing Belle in one hand as he found the key’s to open the door.
Marlena bit anxiously into her bottom lip as she tucked a piece of hair behind her eye and crossed her arms at her chest. John set Belle’s carrier on a level spot and proceeded to peel her blankets back. “There you go honey.” The rosy color of her apple cheeks was returning slowly. She smiled at the sound of John’s voice. “Make yourself comfortable.” He said, taking off his leather jacket.
Marlena stayed defiantly near the door. “I’m going to check on Sami and Carrie,” she said.
“The phone’s over here,” he said lifting a cordless from an end table beside the couch. “I’m going to go upstairs… if you need privacy.” He eyed her as she walked slowly toward him. They met in the center of the room and she reached for the phone, gasping inwardly from his touch. A similar scene flashed in her mind, when she’d practically begged John not to leave town and his response was to reject her completely. He’d watched her walk out of the door.
She mouthed thanks. She waited until he climbed the steps before sitting across from Belle on the couch. “Honey, we’re going to get home. I bet Carrie and Sami are worried about where we are. We haven’t called anyone to tell them how sick you were.” She called Carrie and Sami, both of whom had been unaware of her absence from home. She decided not to alarm them with Belle’s close call. She wished both girls her love before ending the respective calls. “I wonder if Roman’s called.” She wondered aloud, realizing that it had been two days since she last talked with him. “Roman where are you? I can’t do this without you.” She said biting back the tears that sprung naturally from her eyes. How could she blame him for not being there? She should have enough strength to be faithful to Roman. “We shouldn’t be here… I shouldn’t be here.” She looked at Belle sleeping in her carrier. The undeniable bond that she had with John had created her, sealing them together. The overwhelming feelings of love and devotion, guilt and deceit poured into her mercilessly. She sobbed uncontrollably into her hands, attempting to stifle her sobs.
“Doc? Doc don’t cry,” John pleaded with her, hurrying to her side. He knelt in front of her, taking her hands to interlace their fingers. “Talk to me… I want to help you.”
She lowered her eyes from John to the ground. “Everything about us hurts,” she admitted quietly. “Everything.”
“Don’t say that honey. It’s not true.”
“It is true. John we’re never going to be able to resolve this,” she said almost inaudibly.
“Honey, we’ll find a way.”
“No,” she said exasperatedly. She pulled her hands from John’s, knowing how easily his touch led to her betrayal of Roman. Standing to walk away, she was stopped by John’s forceful grip; he cupped her shoulders between his hands.
“Stop it. Stop running away from me.”
“John please take your hands off of me,” she demanded, raising her voice.
“Doc, you’re going to listen to me… do you understand?” He realized how loudly he was speaking when Belle whined from her carrier. John held Marlena by the arm while he checked Belle. She was still sleeping peacefully. “Come with me,” he insisted pulling her toward the stairs.
“No.” She said defiantly trying to plant herself firmly in the floor. John lifted her from her legs and threw her over his back. “John, stop this.”
“I want to talk to you. This is the only time I’ll get. Now you’re going to hear me,” he said carrying her into his bedroom. He set her down on her feet, blocking the doorway.
“John, what are you trying to do?”
“What are you thinking? I’m not going to attack you Marlena. I want to talk to you.”
“We don’t know how to talk. It always leads to…”
He finished the sentence for her, “expressing our love?”
She searched her mind for the words, forcing them out “committing adultery John. I’m married to Roman. No matter how I feel about you, that’s who I’m committed to.”
“Are you?”
She nodded.
“Not on the plane… and not on the conference room table.”
“John, we can’t ever do that again. I won’t betray Roman.”
“I’m not asking you too.” He told her softly. “When are you going to realize that what we have is more than just sex… I love you. I’m in love with you—everything about you. I’ve tried to move on baby, I really have. It’s impossible. I have tried to love other women and I can’t. What we have is beyond anything I can control.”
Marlena closed her eyes, “John I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I’m sorry Marlena but we’re going to talk about this. I can’t move on.”
“You’ve moved on,” she shouted angrily. “You never seem to have a problem doing that. What… you give those women your body while your heart stays connected to me. Now who’s deceiving themselves John? You loved Isabella. You had a child with Isabella.”
“Of course I loved her… but even Izzy knew that I was always in love with you.”
Marlena flinched, “don’t say that you loved me when you were with Isabella. She was your Izzy B,” she said sarcastically. “You wanted to be with her. I’m not upset at your choice.”
“We both made choices Doc. Didn’t you chose Roman by default?”
“No, I love my husband.”
“Who are you kidding?”
“Don’t question my love for Roman… you can never understand a marriage unless you’re in it.”
“I was in that marriage. I lived Roman’s life for years. I was Roman. We were husband and wife,” he reminded her angrily.
“John, it’s not the same thing. I met Roman first. I loved him first.”
“Oh Doc,” he said, throwing his hands in the air. “You don’t need everybody’s approval. You have me. I’ll be everything for you baby. I’ll make you forget what your life was like without me.”
John’s words stung Marlena. She lost her apprehension when she saw the sincerity in his face; he was absolutely offering himself without conditions.
“I forgive you Doc. I know you did the best you could do under the circumstances,” he continued, crossing the floor to be nearer to her. “I miss you so much… I feel alone without you. How can you say that everything about us hurts? Belle is us… she’s the part of us that God wouldn’t let us deny. I’ve turned myself inside for you. I’ll do it until you realize that you love me… no…until you are strong enough to leave Roman. If you come with me, baby I’ll take away all that sorrow in your face. Doc I’ve forgotten how to be myself without you, I don’t know how to do that without you.”
“John,” Marlena said unable to remain on her feet anymore. She dropped to the bed behind her. “He needs me.” She whispered.
“I need you more.” John pleaded, kneeling in front of her. “Doesn’t it mean anything that I love you… that I’ve always loved you.”
Tears fell endlessly down Marlena’s face, “Yes. It means everything to me. Everything about us does hurt me John, but sometimes I search for gentler memories so that I know there was a reason for us to be. And I remember all those times we had before I left you, when all I needed was your love. We were a family… the twins loved you. I loved you.”
“You still love me.” He said.
“Yes, you know that I still love you. I’ll always love you for making me feel so safe and loved. I missed that in my life after Roman died… and then you were there.”
“I’m still here.”
“John, it won’t work. It can’t. It would be next to impossible to be who we are now, knowing what we did to one another and still be all right with each other. Do you understand?”
“I don’t care about that Doc. When I saw Isabella lying there tonight, I knew that I would never be able to stand back and watch Roman raise her. I feel so connected to her that it physically hurts me to have Roman playing Daddy to her.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. Doc when you told God tonight to save our little girl, you made a promise that you can’t keep. You lied to Roman when you told him that you would stay away from me. You know that in your heart. I love you. You are in love with me, still. You want me still. I know that because I feel the same way. Whenever I’m in the room with you, I’m drawn to wherever you are. These bodies,” he said running his hands up her legs slowly, “are drawn to each. I can’t not make love to you.”
“No John,” she protested, trying to ease away. “We can’t.”
“Doc, shut up and kiss me,” he said cupping his hands on her face, brushing her lips with his mouth. The connection electrified every inch of Marlena’s body; she tried prying her mouth from his unsuccessfully.
“John please, I can’t do this to Roman.” She said, allowing John’s body to move on top of hers as he pushed her onto her back, climbing up her body.
He kissed her again, “don’t say his name,” he said in between kisses, “not tonight.”
