Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:26:11 GMT -5
Chapter 1.6 I Try To Tell Myself We Could Never Be More Than Friends
Clenched Soul
“We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings”
--Pablo Neruda
Belle’s whimper broke the reverie of Marlena’s daydream. Clearing her throat, she refocused her attention on her daughter. Marlena made her way into John’s loft, holding their sleeping daughter tightly to her chest. She’d argued stubbornly with John about not coming into the loft, and then with herself before giving into nature’s call. Quickly giving Belle to John, she darted for the bathroom, unable to hold it anymore. With all the drama going on at the hospital, using the bathroom was the last thing on her mind until they were in the Jeep.
John slowly rocked Belle in his arms as his fingers skimmed along the structure of her face; the beauty in this tiny girl was unbelievably extraordinary. Everything about her was perfect….she was the spitting image of her mother; however, her nose, her eyes and even her lips compared to his somewhat. Thoughts of Roman filled his mind, wondering if he ever stared at her and wondered the same thing that he and Marlena knew….could he deny the resemblance?
Pulling Belle to him, he decided to take her upstairs to Brady’s crib. He decided that this would be the perfect time to clear the air with Marlena…after their argument in the back yard the other day. Tonight he was determined to force Marlena to talk to him about their responsibility to Belle; and he refused let her jump around the issue this time. He refused to permit Marlena to leave until they reached an understanding tonight. He swiftly turned on the monitor and checked Belle one last time before heading out the room and descending the spiral staircase.
Marlena ran up to him panicking, unsure of what had happened to John and Belle.
“Is she alright? What’s the matter? Where is she?” she asked badgering him with questions, one right after the other.
John held his hands up for a moment, walking over to the entertainment center to turn on the portable monitor. Once he made sure he heard Belle breathing normally, he turned around to face Marlena.
“She is fine…I just tucked her in the crib.”
Marlena’s expression dropped as her mind began to race and her face filled with panic and confusion. “Why would you tuck her in? We need to go home, we cannot stay here. Are you out of your mind?” She panicked as she tried to walk around John but was quickly stopped and held still.
“We need to talk and this is the perfect moment. You and I are way overdo for this conversation and its going to happen…right here and right now.” His firm tone of his voice frightened her, as she began shaking her head from side to side.
“No…No…this is not the time nor the place. Belle was just in the hospital an hour ago….four hours ago she was fighting for her life and you want to have a conversation about us…now….I don’t think so.” She argued back as she tried to walk past him once more, but again she was stopped. This time she shoved his hands away, unable to handle the pressure he was putting on her….she didn’t like to be backed in a corner and tonight was the worst time he could attempt that.
“This involves Belle too….this involves all of us. Now sit down because you’re not leaving here until we finish this.”
“Fine…I’ll call a cab then because I refuse to stay here one more minute with you. I knew coming here was a mistake…why do I listen to you?” Venom seeped out in every word she spoke as she walked around the couch, trying to avoid John’s touch.
“Oh and you think you have every right to her…is that it? You’re her mother and that’s that. Well I got news for you Doc…she is my child too and if I choose to have her here….you better believe I have every right.” John angrily spoke as he blocked her way from reaching the stairs.
“No you don’t. She is mine and Roman’s…” Her words were thrown carelessly, not even realizing what she said was so deeply wrong.
“NO…she is mine and you know that. To everyone else she is yours and Roman’s….but WE both know…She is OURS. I don’t want to be an asshole about this and I don’t want to make this tough but I will if you force me too. I don’t want to hurt you or Belle…but if I have to I will do what I have to do…to claim my rights.” Marlena’s face fell in panic as she began to comprehend what he was trying to say.
“You bastard….you wouldn’t dare do that to me or Belle?” She raised her voice backing away from him.
“I will if you push me…I have every right and you know I do. Now either you listen to me and we talk this out tonight or we can do this the hard way.” John threatened her as she froze, unable to control the rage that built up in her. The truth was that she was scared; she didn’t want to be alone with him…afraid she may give in to her deep desire for him. Being alone, next to him was a big mistake and now she was trapped and he knew it too.
“I hate you John….Get the hell out of my life!” She screamed as she threw a throw pillow at him.
“Well you’re stuck with me now…and guess what honey? I am not leaving until we figure something out tonight.” He smiled, knowing he had her right where he wanted her. She turned around and looked for anything, she was about to explode and her fury was spiraling out of control. A framed photograph of John and Isabella caught her eye. She reached for it and hurled it towards him, causing him to duck as she took off towards the stairs for Brady’s room. She reached the top of the stairs and was about to enter Brady’s room when she felt his strong arms lift her up and carry her down the hall. Her arms swung, her hands slapped, and her legs kicked as she shouted for him to let her go.
“Have you lost your mind Marlena? What is the matter with you?” He yelled as he brought her to the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them. Placing her down on her feet, he backed up and held his hands out; blocking the hits he began to receive.
“I almost lost my daughter tonight and you want to play games?” She cried as she continued to throw her hands carelessly at him.
“YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!” John yelled pinning her hands to her sides as he forced her to look at him. “That little girl belongs to us…and if you want to deny that to yourself then go ahead….but don’t pull that shit with me. I know the truth even if you don’t want to face it.” He released her hands as he turned around and reached for the doorknob, opening the door and angrily flinging it open. He felt the tears fall from his eyes as he began to walk away, hating this situation probably more then she did. He heard her sobs as he looked back and saw her sitting on the bed, in the middle of her breakdown. He knew he should have left, should have kept walking but he wanted her to suffer….suffer as much he was. Walking back he leaned over her, asking if this is what she wants. “Do you enjoy this Marlena! Do you?” He shouted once more as she sobbed harder.
“Do you think I enjoy this? I hate this!!! I hate that we are caught in the middle of this but we did this to ourselves. And you are so selfish that you refuse to see this my way and help me.” She knew she was so wrong….John was handling this better then any man could. He was handling something a man should never have to do and here she was hurling insults…she knew it was wrong but she needed someone to blame.
“I am selfish….ME! Because I want my daughter?” He asked as he grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. “I don’t even recognize the woman in front of me anymore. Who are you Marlena?” She closed her eyes as the tears fell, his hand no longer on her chin, his presence now gone. Knowing this was the moment, she had to leave…every minute there was getting worse. Standing up she quickly wiped her tears with the sleeve of Roman’s sweatshirt as she sniffed back some tears. As she reached the door, John had walked back in to grab a book, bumping into her. She looked into his eyes for a moment, almost embarrassed to even stare into them. She dropped her gaze when she felt his hands on her face and the powerful force of his lips on hers. Her eyes instantly closed as their mouths collided against one another. Her mind was drowning in confusion, unsure of what to do. The right thing would be to stop this, but her heart wanted this….assuring her, this was the right thing. Suddenly her thoughts disappeared as his tongue entered her mouth, searching for hers. Within moments, their mouths clashed together passionately, as their tongues moved against each other in waves, such in an erotic manner.
The feeling of her neck being bit caused her to open her eyes as she stared at the ceiling above them. Should she stop this? Any ideas of discontinuing were seized as felt her body thrown down on the bed, John quickly falling above her, her mouth capturing his. The moment became a daze, almost as if this were some unclear hazy dream. She felt the sweatshirt come off…she felt his skin sliding across hers, his lips on her heated flesh, his tongue between the crevice of her breast. Utter desire and unspoken pleasure rushed through her body as she felt his hands undo her jeans, sliding them down her hips and long legs. Roman had not crossed her mind yet…only the mere fact that she was married but to who was a blank.
“John….we can’t. It’s not time…There are still two weeks left.” She gasped as she felt his hot mouth on her inner thigh.
“Then I will just have to be gentle won’t I?” He mumbled as he continued to suck the tender skin of her inner thigh, leaving his signature, a circular red mark. Once he finished there, his mouth traveled to her other thigh as he repeated the same action, leaving the mark darker then the other, purposely marking her, knowing full well she would have to avoid Roman’s advances if she knew they were there. If he had to leave these every week…so be it…she belonged to him and no one else. Once that task had been accomplished, his lips traveled to her stomach and sucked on the soft skin there before meeting her satin covered breasts and sucking the life of the skin above her nipple.
Reeling in want and need, she hardly realized what was happening until she felt John’s erection rub against her bundle of nerves. Her clothes and panties now long gone piled onto the hard wood floor along with John’s.
“John….wait….I’m….” She stuttered before her mouth was swallowed by his.
“I’ll be gentle baby…don’t worry.” He whispered in her ear before sucking her neck once more, loving the moan she was giving.
“No…its not…that….I’m still….” Once again she was hushed by a kiss as she felt the tip of him enter her body, pain invading her mind. “John…Oh God….” She breathed as she felt his teeth nip at her shoulder and a slight groan escape him.
“It’s okay…” Was all she heard as she felt his thick muscle slip in a bit more, knowing there was still so much more to go. This was the figurative tip of the iceberg.
“John…I’m Still….bleed…..”
His mouth danced on hers again, trying to silence her and have her enjoy this. “I know you are…very little but that’s ok. It’s not like we haven’t done that before.” He smiled as he took her mouth again and pushed in a little more, allowing her to adapt to him. She was so tender, so soft, so warm inside….it was like moving through a hot velvet tunnel, smoothness all around. Her slender legs curled along his hips as she accepted him a little more this time, pleasure slowly creeping into her body. Biting his lower lip, he shoved the rest of him inside her as he held himself still inside her, waiting for her to adapt to the thickness and length. Her whimper filled the room as well his ears as he proudly smiled while slowly moving his hips back and forth. Within seconds, his pace began to pick up, as their bodies clung to each other. A thin black sheet draped along his lower body and moved along with his rhythm as his wave like movements clashed into her hips. Their hands were intertwined, hovering over their heads and onto the pillow as their movement became hurried. Back and forth, up and down, his mouth traveled from her mouth to her breasts and then to her neck.
Her soft whimpers were music to his ears and only encouraged him to move faster throughout her body, determined to please her. Her sudden stiffness signaled her climax approaching and he began to make short fast thrusts, forcing the tip of his penis to hit her back wall. Her legs wrapped around him tightly as her whimpers turned to passionate groans as her body began to flush. The room went black as an explosion of thousands of bright white lights filled her sight. The orgasm so intense, that her muscles squeezed John so incredibly hard, he froze, scared to move for a moment. Her cries were heard throughout the room, but soon silenced by his mouth as his thrusts began once again, faster then before. The bed pounded against the wall, the black sheet now draped below his thighs and his pants now audible. Thank God Brady’s room was further down…Belle shouldn’t awake from her parent’s cries of passion. As if on cue, John’s final moments were interrupted just as Marlena finished the last of her orgasm. Cries of Belle filled their room as Marlena’s eyes shot open while John stopped for a moment. Wanting to finish, knowing it was right there, he forced Marlena back down. She quickly pushed him away as she unraveled her legs from his body and grabbed the sheet from the bed, wrapping it around her and running down the hall. John groaned as he slipped on his boxers and took off after her. Once he reached the room, he watched as Marlena held Belle to her chest, smoothing her soft baby hair back and watching as she fell back asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning to the room, John noticed all the marks he left on her body, knowing Marlena could not even attempt to undress in front of Roman. For a moment he was proud until Marlena walked in front of his dresser and looked in the mirror.
“Jesus Christ!” Was all he heard.
Clenched Soul
“We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings”
--Pablo Neruda
Belle’s whimper broke the reverie of Marlena’s daydream. Clearing her throat, she refocused her attention on her daughter. Marlena made her way into John’s loft, holding their sleeping daughter tightly to her chest. She’d argued stubbornly with John about not coming into the loft, and then with herself before giving into nature’s call. Quickly giving Belle to John, she darted for the bathroom, unable to hold it anymore. With all the drama going on at the hospital, using the bathroom was the last thing on her mind until they were in the Jeep.
John slowly rocked Belle in his arms as his fingers skimmed along the structure of her face; the beauty in this tiny girl was unbelievably extraordinary. Everything about her was perfect….she was the spitting image of her mother; however, her nose, her eyes and even her lips compared to his somewhat. Thoughts of Roman filled his mind, wondering if he ever stared at her and wondered the same thing that he and Marlena knew….could he deny the resemblance?
Pulling Belle to him, he decided to take her upstairs to Brady’s crib. He decided that this would be the perfect time to clear the air with Marlena…after their argument in the back yard the other day. Tonight he was determined to force Marlena to talk to him about their responsibility to Belle; and he refused let her jump around the issue this time. He refused to permit Marlena to leave until they reached an understanding tonight. He swiftly turned on the monitor and checked Belle one last time before heading out the room and descending the spiral staircase.
Marlena ran up to him panicking, unsure of what had happened to John and Belle.
“Is she alright? What’s the matter? Where is she?” she asked badgering him with questions, one right after the other.
John held his hands up for a moment, walking over to the entertainment center to turn on the portable monitor. Once he made sure he heard Belle breathing normally, he turned around to face Marlena.
“She is fine…I just tucked her in the crib.”
Marlena’s expression dropped as her mind began to race and her face filled with panic and confusion. “Why would you tuck her in? We need to go home, we cannot stay here. Are you out of your mind?” She panicked as she tried to walk around John but was quickly stopped and held still.
“We need to talk and this is the perfect moment. You and I are way overdo for this conversation and its going to happen…right here and right now.” His firm tone of his voice frightened her, as she began shaking her head from side to side.
“No…No…this is not the time nor the place. Belle was just in the hospital an hour ago….four hours ago she was fighting for her life and you want to have a conversation about us…now….I don’t think so.” She argued back as she tried to walk past him once more, but again she was stopped. This time she shoved his hands away, unable to handle the pressure he was putting on her….she didn’t like to be backed in a corner and tonight was the worst time he could attempt that.
“This involves Belle too….this involves all of us. Now sit down because you’re not leaving here until we finish this.”
“Fine…I’ll call a cab then because I refuse to stay here one more minute with you. I knew coming here was a mistake…why do I listen to you?” Venom seeped out in every word she spoke as she walked around the couch, trying to avoid John’s touch.
“Oh and you think you have every right to her…is that it? You’re her mother and that’s that. Well I got news for you Doc…she is my child too and if I choose to have her here….you better believe I have every right.” John angrily spoke as he blocked her way from reaching the stairs.
“No you don’t. She is mine and Roman’s…” Her words were thrown carelessly, not even realizing what she said was so deeply wrong.
“NO…she is mine and you know that. To everyone else she is yours and Roman’s….but WE both know…She is OURS. I don’t want to be an asshole about this and I don’t want to make this tough but I will if you force me too. I don’t want to hurt you or Belle…but if I have to I will do what I have to do…to claim my rights.” Marlena’s face fell in panic as she began to comprehend what he was trying to say.
“You bastard….you wouldn’t dare do that to me or Belle?” She raised her voice backing away from him.
“I will if you push me…I have every right and you know I do. Now either you listen to me and we talk this out tonight or we can do this the hard way.” John threatened her as she froze, unable to control the rage that built up in her. The truth was that she was scared; she didn’t want to be alone with him…afraid she may give in to her deep desire for him. Being alone, next to him was a big mistake and now she was trapped and he knew it too.
“I hate you John….Get the hell out of my life!” She screamed as she threw a throw pillow at him.
“Well you’re stuck with me now…and guess what honey? I am not leaving until we figure something out tonight.” He smiled, knowing he had her right where he wanted her. She turned around and looked for anything, she was about to explode and her fury was spiraling out of control. A framed photograph of John and Isabella caught her eye. She reached for it and hurled it towards him, causing him to duck as she took off towards the stairs for Brady’s room. She reached the top of the stairs and was about to enter Brady’s room when she felt his strong arms lift her up and carry her down the hall. Her arms swung, her hands slapped, and her legs kicked as she shouted for him to let her go.
“Have you lost your mind Marlena? What is the matter with you?” He yelled as he brought her to the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them. Placing her down on her feet, he backed up and held his hands out; blocking the hits he began to receive.
“I almost lost my daughter tonight and you want to play games?” She cried as she continued to throw her hands carelessly at him.
“YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!” John yelled pinning her hands to her sides as he forced her to look at him. “That little girl belongs to us…and if you want to deny that to yourself then go ahead….but don’t pull that shit with me. I know the truth even if you don’t want to face it.” He released her hands as he turned around and reached for the doorknob, opening the door and angrily flinging it open. He felt the tears fall from his eyes as he began to walk away, hating this situation probably more then she did. He heard her sobs as he looked back and saw her sitting on the bed, in the middle of her breakdown. He knew he should have left, should have kept walking but he wanted her to suffer….suffer as much he was. Walking back he leaned over her, asking if this is what she wants. “Do you enjoy this Marlena! Do you?” He shouted once more as she sobbed harder.
“Do you think I enjoy this? I hate this!!! I hate that we are caught in the middle of this but we did this to ourselves. And you are so selfish that you refuse to see this my way and help me.” She knew she was so wrong….John was handling this better then any man could. He was handling something a man should never have to do and here she was hurling insults…she knew it was wrong but she needed someone to blame.
“I am selfish….ME! Because I want my daughter?” He asked as he grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. “I don’t even recognize the woman in front of me anymore. Who are you Marlena?” She closed her eyes as the tears fell, his hand no longer on her chin, his presence now gone. Knowing this was the moment, she had to leave…every minute there was getting worse. Standing up she quickly wiped her tears with the sleeve of Roman’s sweatshirt as she sniffed back some tears. As she reached the door, John had walked back in to grab a book, bumping into her. She looked into his eyes for a moment, almost embarrassed to even stare into them. She dropped her gaze when she felt his hands on her face and the powerful force of his lips on hers. Her eyes instantly closed as their mouths collided against one another. Her mind was drowning in confusion, unsure of what to do. The right thing would be to stop this, but her heart wanted this….assuring her, this was the right thing. Suddenly her thoughts disappeared as his tongue entered her mouth, searching for hers. Within moments, their mouths clashed together passionately, as their tongues moved against each other in waves, such in an erotic manner.
The feeling of her neck being bit caused her to open her eyes as she stared at the ceiling above them. Should she stop this? Any ideas of discontinuing were seized as felt her body thrown down on the bed, John quickly falling above her, her mouth capturing his. The moment became a daze, almost as if this were some unclear hazy dream. She felt the sweatshirt come off…she felt his skin sliding across hers, his lips on her heated flesh, his tongue between the crevice of her breast. Utter desire and unspoken pleasure rushed through her body as she felt his hands undo her jeans, sliding them down her hips and long legs. Roman had not crossed her mind yet…only the mere fact that she was married but to who was a blank.
“John….we can’t. It’s not time…There are still two weeks left.” She gasped as she felt his hot mouth on her inner thigh.
“Then I will just have to be gentle won’t I?” He mumbled as he continued to suck the tender skin of her inner thigh, leaving his signature, a circular red mark. Once he finished there, his mouth traveled to her other thigh as he repeated the same action, leaving the mark darker then the other, purposely marking her, knowing full well she would have to avoid Roman’s advances if she knew they were there. If he had to leave these every week…so be it…she belonged to him and no one else. Once that task had been accomplished, his lips traveled to her stomach and sucked on the soft skin there before meeting her satin covered breasts and sucking the life of the skin above her nipple.
Reeling in want and need, she hardly realized what was happening until she felt John’s erection rub against her bundle of nerves. Her clothes and panties now long gone piled onto the hard wood floor along with John’s.
“John….wait….I’m….” She stuttered before her mouth was swallowed by his.
“I’ll be gentle baby…don’t worry.” He whispered in her ear before sucking her neck once more, loving the moan she was giving.
“No…its not…that….I’m still….” Once again she was hushed by a kiss as she felt the tip of him enter her body, pain invading her mind. “John…Oh God….” She breathed as she felt his teeth nip at her shoulder and a slight groan escape him.
“It’s okay…” Was all she heard as she felt his thick muscle slip in a bit more, knowing there was still so much more to go. This was the figurative tip of the iceberg.
“John…I’m Still….bleed…..”
His mouth danced on hers again, trying to silence her and have her enjoy this. “I know you are…very little but that’s ok. It’s not like we haven’t done that before.” He smiled as he took her mouth again and pushed in a little more, allowing her to adapt to him. She was so tender, so soft, so warm inside….it was like moving through a hot velvet tunnel, smoothness all around. Her slender legs curled along his hips as she accepted him a little more this time, pleasure slowly creeping into her body. Biting his lower lip, he shoved the rest of him inside her as he held himself still inside her, waiting for her to adapt to the thickness and length. Her whimper filled the room as well his ears as he proudly smiled while slowly moving his hips back and forth. Within seconds, his pace began to pick up, as their bodies clung to each other. A thin black sheet draped along his lower body and moved along with his rhythm as his wave like movements clashed into her hips. Their hands were intertwined, hovering over their heads and onto the pillow as their movement became hurried. Back and forth, up and down, his mouth traveled from her mouth to her breasts and then to her neck.
Her soft whimpers were music to his ears and only encouraged him to move faster throughout her body, determined to please her. Her sudden stiffness signaled her climax approaching and he began to make short fast thrusts, forcing the tip of his penis to hit her back wall. Her legs wrapped around him tightly as her whimpers turned to passionate groans as her body began to flush. The room went black as an explosion of thousands of bright white lights filled her sight. The orgasm so intense, that her muscles squeezed John so incredibly hard, he froze, scared to move for a moment. Her cries were heard throughout the room, but soon silenced by his mouth as his thrusts began once again, faster then before. The bed pounded against the wall, the black sheet now draped below his thighs and his pants now audible. Thank God Brady’s room was further down…Belle shouldn’t awake from her parent’s cries of passion. As if on cue, John’s final moments were interrupted just as Marlena finished the last of her orgasm. Cries of Belle filled their room as Marlena’s eyes shot open while John stopped for a moment. Wanting to finish, knowing it was right there, he forced Marlena back down. She quickly pushed him away as she unraveled her legs from his body and grabbed the sheet from the bed, wrapping it around her and running down the hall. John groaned as he slipped on his boxers and took off after her. Once he reached the room, he watched as Marlena held Belle to her chest, smoothing her soft baby hair back and watching as she fell back asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning to the room, John noticed all the marks he left on her body, knowing Marlena could not even attempt to undress in front of Roman. For a moment he was proud until Marlena walked in front of his dresser and looked in the mirror.
“Jesus Christ!” Was all he heard.
