Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:32:52 GMT -5
Chapter 1.8 The Way You Make Me Feel.
For My Lover, Returning to His Wife
She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.
She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.
........
I give you back your heart.
I give you permission—
........
As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.
--Anne Sexton
Marlena shuddered awake. She squinted to adjust her eyes to the darkness shadowing the bedroom. Grogginess permeating her mind, she momentarily forgot where she was. Marlena eyed the room closely, remembering why her pile of clothes was strewn around John’s bed. She recoiled against John’s body causing him to stir from the tranquility of sleep.
“I had the most amazing dream,” John whispered at the nape of her neck, touching her skin lightly with his mouth.
She shifted in the bed, turning around in John’s arms. Looping her arms around his waist, she nestled into his chest relishing the closeness between them. “That wasn’t a dream.” Marlena said tracing John’s back seductively. In his arms there was no world to contend with. There were no harsh judgments; they were silenced. There was no right or wrong; there was simply an undeniable love. She was able to forget, even if only momentarily about Roman and all the complications of her life. Making love to John always had an amnesiac effect on Marlena’s senses. He was a masterful manipulator of her body—part experience, and partly the sensuality of John’s nature. With the connection of any part of John’s body Marlena lost all resolve and correctness; she was a woman in love. Love makes things happen.
“Belle? Is she still asleep” John inquired pulling Marlena’s body closer.
“Yes. Her breathing is fine. She’s just fine.” Marlena assured John, chuckling lightly to herself as she recalled the events after Belle’s timing had left John frustrated, unsatisfied, and yearning for more of Marlena. She’d soothed Belle with a lullaby before rushing back to John. Passing her reflection in the mirror had shocked her speechless. She examined John’s handiwork: love marks trailing intimate parts of her skin. Before she could say any angry words, John slipped from the bed and lifted her back to the mattress. He whispered seductive words that sent butterflies flittering through her stomach. He silenced her with the joys of unhindered passion, sealing their fates as one... finishing a journey he’d started. He’d kissed her from head to toe, in slow and tantalizing movements that sent chills up her spine. Reaching her stomach, he laid his head on the soft flesh that had carried their child for nine months—kissing her, teasing her skin with sweeps of his tongue. Marlena watched him through hooded eyes, drunk with the intoxication of his lovemaking, tightening her grip on the sheets that she locked through her fingers. Unable to control herself, she moaned low, rasping sounds that made John smile in spite of himself. He crawled up the length of her bare, sweat soaked body in deliberate, measure moves. Marlena pulled his mouth to her, crushing anxiously against his lips. Kissing with their eyes locked in a forceful meeting heightened Marlena’s need for John. “Now John... now honey,” she mumbled close to his ear sucking delicately on his lobes. “So soon? Are you sure?” Marlena responded using her tongue to trail from his ear to the hard skin beneath his lip. John’s rugged stubble nicked the skin along her chin in the friction between their unending connection—skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart, and soul-to-soul. Marlena broke their contact to move from beneath John. She eased across his muscular thighs, straddling them. She wanted him to feel every possible pleasure, in the same way that he’d unselfishly done for her. Their bodies melded into one as she mounted him gently. The connection was intense; an overwhelming sense of being intimately imprisoned with the man who made her feel as if she could be undone by her loss of him. John braced Marlena’s hips, guiding her body at a slow sensual rhythm. He watched her face cringe in pain and pleasure. Her eyes closing heavily, sweeping her hair from her shoulder, Marlena encircled John’s neck. “I love you so much,” she moaned into his ear, quickening the desperate rhythm of their lovemaking. Marlena’s voice was so slow and raspy that John could barely concentrate. In a swift move, John lifted Marlena and laid her back on the bed. “Honey...” John ignored her. He moved to her center, entering her again with a desperate energy. She wrapped her legs around John’s middle and fell back against the bed inebriated by the relentless ecstasy of John’s anxious thrusting inside her. He held her possessively, thrusting possessively in the path to both their rapture. She felt the sensation lift her into an unspeakable, unsayable place in her mind and body, crashing waves of extreme gratification flowed through her body. John continued thrusting until the intensity of her body sealing him inside of her sent him on his own journey, finishing what he’d started and their daughter had interrupted.
Marlena felt warm remembering the experience. She faced John again, touching his chin with her finger. “When I’m with you like this... alone... I feel so at peace.”
John swallowed hard, “It can always be like this baby. I love you. This is what it’s supposed to be... you and me. The kids.”
She covered his mouth with her hand, “Don’t honey. I don’t want to argue. I just want to enjoy this time with you.”
John nipped the palm of her hand playfully, “Whatever you say Doc... I’m your love slave.”
“John,” she said blushing.
“Face it honey I bring out the animal in you,” he told her smiling his most contagious smile. A smile Marlena could see Belle having.
“You shouldn’t have done this though,” she said scrutinizing her inner thighs. The redness was gradually dissipating.
“Or this,” he said kissing another bruise on her lower back.
“John... what am I going to tell...” she paused, watching John’s face falter at the hint of Roman’s name. She kissed him instead and snuggled closer into his chest. Twisting the curly black hairs between her fingers, she felt the beating of his heart drumming against the taut walls of his chest.
“Doc... I need to ask you something.”
“Hmm...”
“Did you make love to Roman... with Belle—while you were pregnant?”
Her body tensed up involuntarily. It was too much to respond immediately; the possibility of her lying to John was unimaginable. Her hesitation caused John to grab her chin and tilt her face upward; pulling her from the inward place she tended to go when she was frightened. “John don’t ask me things like that... it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m sorry honey... I can’t help myself. I just want you to be mine—fully. I don’t enjoy sharing you.”
“Let’s not do this,” she begged in a hushed voice. “In a couple of hours we’ll be back in the same place we have been... please let’s not talk about things like this.”
“I won’t pressure you... not anymore.” He said, relaxing against her. “I’m going to enjoy you being here with me. Our baby healthy and safe down the hall... and you next to me...” he kissed her forehead. “This is my idea of perfection.”
“Good. I’m happy here with you. I really am John,” she said sadly. “There is nothing more I want in my life than to make you happy. I would give anything to make you believe how much I love you and want to be with you. It’s just not practical sweetheart.”
“Us being in love has never been practical baby. Don’t you remember what we were like in the beginning?”
Marlena smiled, “how could I forget that... I’ve been in love with you ever since the beginning.”
“Does that make you ashamed?”
“No,” she said unwaveringly, “I’m not ashamed of you. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
“What does that mean Doc? You love me but you can’t be with me...” he said trying to understand. “I don’t want to pressure you... that’s not what this is about honey. But you know what happens... you and I belong together. You belong to me.”
She didn’t deny his proclamation. He was absolutely right; Marlena knew that. She was not as brave as John; being in his arms is what gave her the strength she needed. But without him, she couldn’t face Roman and what Belle’s paternity would do to them, to their marriage. “John, think about the children... our children. Their as much yours as they are mine. You raised them when Roman and I couldn’t be there.”
“Doc.”
“John, listen to me honey. I’m not strong enough to deal with this. Not yet. I just had a baby...” she said while simultaneously realizing the conviction of her words. “Oh man, John it’s too soon... it hasn’t been six weeks.”
John couldn’t help the smile that brightened his face.
“It’s not funny,” Marlena cried sitting up in bed. “How could I be so careless?”
“Baby, I’m sorry.”
She dropped her head in her hands, praying for one more reprieve. “John I can’t do this... I should have been more careful.”
“There’s a chance that you didn’t get pregnant... don’t worry. Come here.” He said pulling her back to the mattress beside him.
“John, no.”
“Doc... I was just getting used to you not rejecting me. Remember this is our time.”
She sighed and fell back against him, hugging him tightly. “I didn’t make love with Roman after we found out about Belle. I was so confused about you and me that I couldn’t.” She admitted unprovoked. “I do love you. My heart knows that.”
“I love you too baby. You’re the only family I’ve ever had besides Belle and Brady. I won’t make you chose... I’ll be here whenever you need me, okay?”
She nodded silently.
For My Lover, Returning to His Wife
She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.
She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.
........
I give you back your heart.
I give you permission—
........
As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.
--Anne Sexton
Marlena shuddered awake. She squinted to adjust her eyes to the darkness shadowing the bedroom. Grogginess permeating her mind, she momentarily forgot where she was. Marlena eyed the room closely, remembering why her pile of clothes was strewn around John’s bed. She recoiled against John’s body causing him to stir from the tranquility of sleep.
“I had the most amazing dream,” John whispered at the nape of her neck, touching her skin lightly with his mouth.
She shifted in the bed, turning around in John’s arms. Looping her arms around his waist, she nestled into his chest relishing the closeness between them. “That wasn’t a dream.” Marlena said tracing John’s back seductively. In his arms there was no world to contend with. There were no harsh judgments; they were silenced. There was no right or wrong; there was simply an undeniable love. She was able to forget, even if only momentarily about Roman and all the complications of her life. Making love to John always had an amnesiac effect on Marlena’s senses. He was a masterful manipulator of her body—part experience, and partly the sensuality of John’s nature. With the connection of any part of John’s body Marlena lost all resolve and correctness; she was a woman in love. Love makes things happen.
“Belle? Is she still asleep” John inquired pulling Marlena’s body closer.
“Yes. Her breathing is fine. She’s just fine.” Marlena assured John, chuckling lightly to herself as she recalled the events after Belle’s timing had left John frustrated, unsatisfied, and yearning for more of Marlena. She’d soothed Belle with a lullaby before rushing back to John. Passing her reflection in the mirror had shocked her speechless. She examined John’s handiwork: love marks trailing intimate parts of her skin. Before she could say any angry words, John slipped from the bed and lifted her back to the mattress. He whispered seductive words that sent butterflies flittering through her stomach. He silenced her with the joys of unhindered passion, sealing their fates as one... finishing a journey he’d started. He’d kissed her from head to toe, in slow and tantalizing movements that sent chills up her spine. Reaching her stomach, he laid his head on the soft flesh that had carried their child for nine months—kissing her, teasing her skin with sweeps of his tongue. Marlena watched him through hooded eyes, drunk with the intoxication of his lovemaking, tightening her grip on the sheets that she locked through her fingers. Unable to control herself, she moaned low, rasping sounds that made John smile in spite of himself. He crawled up the length of her bare, sweat soaked body in deliberate, measure moves. Marlena pulled his mouth to her, crushing anxiously against his lips. Kissing with their eyes locked in a forceful meeting heightened Marlena’s need for John. “Now John... now honey,” she mumbled close to his ear sucking delicately on his lobes. “So soon? Are you sure?” Marlena responded using her tongue to trail from his ear to the hard skin beneath his lip. John’s rugged stubble nicked the skin along her chin in the friction between their unending connection—skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart, and soul-to-soul. Marlena broke their contact to move from beneath John. She eased across his muscular thighs, straddling them. She wanted him to feel every possible pleasure, in the same way that he’d unselfishly done for her. Their bodies melded into one as she mounted him gently. The connection was intense; an overwhelming sense of being intimately imprisoned with the man who made her feel as if she could be undone by her loss of him. John braced Marlena’s hips, guiding her body at a slow sensual rhythm. He watched her face cringe in pain and pleasure. Her eyes closing heavily, sweeping her hair from her shoulder, Marlena encircled John’s neck. “I love you so much,” she moaned into his ear, quickening the desperate rhythm of their lovemaking. Marlena’s voice was so slow and raspy that John could barely concentrate. In a swift move, John lifted Marlena and laid her back on the bed. “Honey...” John ignored her. He moved to her center, entering her again with a desperate energy. She wrapped her legs around John’s middle and fell back against the bed inebriated by the relentless ecstasy of John’s anxious thrusting inside her. He held her possessively, thrusting possessively in the path to both their rapture. She felt the sensation lift her into an unspeakable, unsayable place in her mind and body, crashing waves of extreme gratification flowed through her body. John continued thrusting until the intensity of her body sealing him inside of her sent him on his own journey, finishing what he’d started and their daughter had interrupted.
Marlena felt warm remembering the experience. She faced John again, touching his chin with her finger. “When I’m with you like this... alone... I feel so at peace.”
John swallowed hard, “It can always be like this baby. I love you. This is what it’s supposed to be... you and me. The kids.”
She covered his mouth with her hand, “Don’t honey. I don’t want to argue. I just want to enjoy this time with you.”
John nipped the palm of her hand playfully, “Whatever you say Doc... I’m your love slave.”
“John,” she said blushing.
“Face it honey I bring out the animal in you,” he told her smiling his most contagious smile. A smile Marlena could see Belle having.
“You shouldn’t have done this though,” she said scrutinizing her inner thighs. The redness was gradually dissipating.
“Or this,” he said kissing another bruise on her lower back.
“John... what am I going to tell...” she paused, watching John’s face falter at the hint of Roman’s name. She kissed him instead and snuggled closer into his chest. Twisting the curly black hairs between her fingers, she felt the beating of his heart drumming against the taut walls of his chest.
“Doc... I need to ask you something.”
“Hmm...”
“Did you make love to Roman... with Belle—while you were pregnant?”
Her body tensed up involuntarily. It was too much to respond immediately; the possibility of her lying to John was unimaginable. Her hesitation caused John to grab her chin and tilt her face upward; pulling her from the inward place she tended to go when she was frightened. “John don’t ask me things like that... it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m sorry honey... I can’t help myself. I just want you to be mine—fully. I don’t enjoy sharing you.”
“Let’s not do this,” she begged in a hushed voice. “In a couple of hours we’ll be back in the same place we have been... please let’s not talk about things like this.”
“I won’t pressure you... not anymore.” He said, relaxing against her. “I’m going to enjoy you being here with me. Our baby healthy and safe down the hall... and you next to me...” he kissed her forehead. “This is my idea of perfection.”
“Good. I’m happy here with you. I really am John,” she said sadly. “There is nothing more I want in my life than to make you happy. I would give anything to make you believe how much I love you and want to be with you. It’s just not practical sweetheart.”
“Us being in love has never been practical baby. Don’t you remember what we were like in the beginning?”
Marlena smiled, “how could I forget that... I’ve been in love with you ever since the beginning.”
“Does that make you ashamed?”
“No,” she said unwaveringly, “I’m not ashamed of you. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
“What does that mean Doc? You love me but you can’t be with me...” he said trying to understand. “I don’t want to pressure you... that’s not what this is about honey. But you know what happens... you and I belong together. You belong to me.”
She didn’t deny his proclamation. He was absolutely right; Marlena knew that. She was not as brave as John; being in his arms is what gave her the strength she needed. But without him, she couldn’t face Roman and what Belle’s paternity would do to them, to their marriage. “John, think about the children... our children. Their as much yours as they are mine. You raised them when Roman and I couldn’t be there.”
“Doc.”
“John, listen to me honey. I’m not strong enough to deal with this. Not yet. I just had a baby...” she said while simultaneously realizing the conviction of her words. “Oh man, John it’s too soon... it hasn’t been six weeks.”
John couldn’t help the smile that brightened his face.
“It’s not funny,” Marlena cried sitting up in bed. “How could I be so careless?”
“Baby, I’m sorry.”
She dropped her head in her hands, praying for one more reprieve. “John I can’t do this... I should have been more careful.”
“There’s a chance that you didn’t get pregnant... don’t worry. Come here.” He said pulling her back to the mattress beside him.
“John, no.”
“Doc... I was just getting used to you not rejecting me. Remember this is our time.”
She sighed and fell back against him, hugging him tightly. “I didn’t make love with Roman after we found out about Belle. I was so confused about you and me that I couldn’t.” She admitted unprovoked. “I do love you. My heart knows that.”
“I love you too baby. You’re the only family I’ve ever had besides Belle and Brady. I won’t make you chose... I’ll be here whenever you need me, okay?”
She nodded silently.
