Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:40:15 GMT -5
2.1 This Woman’s Work
“And if I tried
To give you something else,
Something outside myself,
You would not know
That the worst of anyone
Can be, finally,
An accident of hope.”
-- Anne Sexton
~For John, Who Begs Me Not To Enquire Further~ **U gotta love that title**
Twilight filtered through the windows of the Brady home; an ambiance consisting of a strange, somber regard spirited itself around her, enveloping her senses. She was sad and lonely, symptoms of leaving John, deceptively so—sneaking away in the dawn of a new day; taking Belle from her safe place at John’s side and bringing her back to the only home she’d ever known in her small vessel of time on this Earth. She’d crept as a thief in the night around the loft, searching for every piece of any confirmation of the night she’d spent with John. When she was satisfied and fully dressed, she slipped into the elevator with Belle and downstairs to the waiting cab. She left no notes or affirmations; her heart was still torn, still warring within herself.
The house was lifeless and dark when she’d walked into the door, half expecting Roman to be sitting, waiting for her… waiting for an explanation of her whereabouts. He was not there; no one was there. She tried to appreciate the solitude. She spent countless hours watching Belle, playing, and holding her closely. After a light supper, she drew a bath and climbed with Belle into the soapy water. Belle relaxed against her chest in the water, making Marlena smile. She was such a serene presence; and she was finding her way around this new world. At nearly a month, Belle was following her mother’s voice with her eyes, and responding instantly to the slightest touch from Marlena. She had never had the chance to be at such peace with the twins. Chaos and uncertainty converged on their lives from the moment that they squirmed from Marlena’s body; Roman’s death and her disappearances made it impossible to be the kind of mother that she wanted, needed to be for the twins.
She’d always wanted to be like her own mother: an ever present force in her life. She could remember waking up to her mother’s face each morning. Mama—as she called her—kneeling between the double beds that she and Sam slept in throughout their childhood, at their bedside stroking their faces tenderly until their sleep was broken. She would kiss her forehead gently, sweeping her hair from her face with the soft caress of her touch and pull Marlena into her arms. This kind of love and devotion propelled Marlena into becoming a doctor. Her mother managed to guide her into utilizing the natural abilities that Marlena possessed. She missed that in her life, having her mother so close; she missed having people who she didn’t have to fully explain things to—they could look at her and just know what she couldn’t say. She’d had that connection with Samantha. She missed Samantha… and she felt the old pain harden again, as she looked at the clock and realized that it was the hour of mourning; it was twilight. She always missed her sister at twilight. She couldn’t explain why the pain and loss struck her at the odd hour the Sun’s departure west, but she felt it. Time never lessens the pain; grief never fully disappears.
She looked to Belle again, searching for pieces of her family in her little girl. After Sam’s death, Martha had assured Marlena that Sam would never die as long as Marlena never forgot to think of her; she told her that memories are forever. She wondered if Belle would have the natural spunk that Sam possessed in spades. If she would have dreams as big as the world once she grew into the woman she would become. Belle would have the golden hair of both her mother and aunt, and their small, delicate hands; Marlena realized tracing Belle’s hand structure. Holding Belle’s hand to her mouth, she felt a calming spirit enter the room. The force of its presence lifting her hair from her shoulders, she looked vigilantly towards the direction of the wind. Everything became still around her. She closed her eyes and a name she hadn’t whispered in a long time escaped her lips, “Sam.” An inner voice, sounding as identical to Marlena as Sam had, resounded in her ear, “I’m always with you… I’ll always be with you.” A peace surrounded Marlena and she allowed herself to surrender to it. “You’ll know what you have to do when you have to do it. There is nothing in this life that happens without reason; there are no mistakes. Loss and pain come as a way to build and not to always destroy.” Marlena silently answering, cried inwardly, “I lost you. I lost DJ.” The presence neared Marlena, and it was if comforting arms draped themselves around her shoulders. “You haven’t lost me. We’ll never be lost to you. We’re always in here.” Marlena felt as if someone covered her chest with the palm of their hand. “You have to follow your heart; you have to learn that happiness is not always about what other people want… it’s also about what you want and what makes you happy. In the next couple of months, you’ll be struck with so many new things and people—nothing will ever be the same again… but you have to go through this storm with the strength and courage that you have inside of you. Remember that you’re never alone. We’ll never be separated… believe me Marlie. I’ve always loved you… and I’ll keep loving you.” Marlena’s eyes blinked open suddenly. She touched Belle, looking around the room in bewilderment. On Belle’s face was a tiny smile, one that reminded Marlena strongly of both DJ and Samantha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mom,” Sami called out, coming through the kitchen door. “No pancakes… only toast and juice.”
Marlena rolled her eyes, “Sami that’s not food. You have to eat.” She peeled the last pancake from the skillet and placed it on the plate on the counter. “Now eat.” Marlena demanded, setting the plate down on the kitchen table.
“Mom, I can’t.”
“Come on, you have time.” She said checking her wrist. “If you miss the bus I’ll take you to school,” she offered, craning her neck to the side. “What time does the bus come anyway?”
Sami chuckled, “in fifteen minutes Mom.” Sami forked a small piece of pancake into her mouth. It was an act of kindness, truly. “Mom, did you read the package? I don’t think this is done.”
“Oh come Sami, I can make a pancake,” she said dividing a piece of pancake with Sami’s fork. “Maybe not...” she said swallowing the mushy substance. “Sorry honey, your mama’s not Julia Childs.”
“Who,” Sami asked standing to dump her plate down the disposal.
“Never mind honey. Are you all set? You have your pack back?”
“Yes. Oh, I almost forgot,” Sami said rushing from the room. Marlena heard her footsteps thundering up the staircase.
“Sami?” She called at the bottom of the stairs.
“Coming mom,” she said running down the stairs. “I almost forgot… daddy called while you were in the shower.”
“Roman called?” Marlena asked anxiously. “What did he say honey?”
“He’d be home tonight.” Sami informed her happily. “I missed him this time.”
“So did I honey,” she said absent-mindedly. “What time did your daddy say he’d be coming in?”
Sami shrugged, “Gotta go mom. Kiss Belle for me,” running to meet the oncoming bus.
Marlena took a deep breath before heading upstairs to gather Belle for her doctor’s appointment. Dr. James scheduled the appointment for testing and a routine checkup. Marlena decided against telling John. She hadn’t talked to him since she’d slipped out of his bed. She gathered Belle, a diaper bag and headed out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marlena paced down the narrow hallway of the pediatric wing of University hospital. Dr. James was having a battery of test run on Belle to ensure that her breathing problems weren’t extensive in an examination room. Unable to watch the poking and prodding of her little girl, she stepped from the room for some air.
“Marlena,” Laura Horton called from the doors the elevator. She threw her hand between the doors in order to stop them from sealing her in. She excused herself and hurried toward Marlena.
“Hi honey… how are you?”
Laura looked her over, “I’m well… the question is how are you doing? You look distracted. Is everything all right?”
“Oh Laura,” Marlena said clasping Laura’s hand. “Belle… she’s having tests ran. This never gets easy, does it?”
Laura offered her a kind smile. “Never… it only gets worst.”
“Thanks,” Marlena said laughing. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
Laura enveloped Marlena with her arms. “Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?” She was happy to be back in the presence of women like Marlena; the strong kind of woman she had been before she’d been sent to the sanitarium. After years of being a victim Laura was learning to stand up and be taken seriously. When she’d returned to Salem last year, it was Marlena who looked at her without judgment. She welcomed her back as a colleague and as a friend. The years evaporated the moment Laura and Marlena embraced.
“I’ve been trying to reach you ever since I heard about Belle being admitted to University.”
“I know… I’m sorry about not getting back to you. I’ve been watching her like a madwoman.”
Laura crossed Marlena’s shoulders with her arm as they walked toward the waiting room. “It’s only natural. She’s your baby. I understand. I also understand that Roman hasn’t returned home yet.”
Marlena shook her head, “He called today… he’ll be here tonight. At least that’s what he told Sami. I was in the shower when he called.”
“Well that was convenient for him.”
“Convenient and lucky… I’ve been trying to stay calm and focus on Belle. But, I’m so angry that he would leave us like this—with no phone calls. Belle’s still a newborn baby.”
“So this won’t be a happy homecoming I assume.”
“Uh Uh… not likely Laura,” Marlena said biting down on her bottom lip. She saw Dr. James walking towards them. “Excuse me Laura.”
“Dr. Evans don’t worry Belle is perfect. Antibiotics seem to be working… and her lungs sound clear. I’d say you have a pretty healthy baby on your hands.”
“Oh thank you.”
“It’s no trouble. You can take Belle home just as soon as you’d like.” Dr. James told her walking back down the corridor.
“Well, that’s one way to brighten your day,” Laura said squeezing Marlena’s hand.
“It sure is. I’m so relieved.”
“Belle’s all right?” John asked stepping from the elevator.
Marlena stood bewildered and speechless.
“You’re such a caring godfather John… Belle’s lucky to have you in her life,” Laura said watching the quiet conversation between John and Marlena’s eye contact.
“Yes, she is…” Marlena said getting a grip on herself. “She’s fine according to Dr. James. This was just a routine checkup.”
“Why didn’t you tell me Doc? I would have come with you.”
She shook her head swiftly, “No. Um we’re fine.” She averted her eyes from John to Laura, who was watching her carefully, watching them both carefully.
“John, how is Brady?” Laura said trying to alleviate the obvious tension.
“Beautiful.” John replied eyeing Marlena’s suspicious behavior. “How have you been Laura?”
“Fine… I’m happy to be back home with friends and family.”
“Good for you,” John told her. He fought the overwhelming urge to question Marlena’s jumpy mood. “Well, I’d like to see Belle.”
“She’s in the examining room,” Marlena said drawing her attention toward the elevator where Kristen and Brady exited together.
“John, Brady’s hungry. Tell him Brady,” Kristen said walking toward them.
“Hello Kristen.” Marlena said kindly. “Hi Brady.” The little boy smiled at her coyly. He was growing into his father’s looks more and more, his jet-black hair, and cool, blue eyes.
“Marlena how is Belle? John told me what happened with her. I hope she’s feeling better.”
“Oh yes, she is. Thank you for asking Kristen.” She smiled robotically, crossing her hands over her chest. She was unprepared for Brady looking so familiar with Kristen; it sparked a sliver of jealousy. “Well, I think we better get going. Roman’s coming home tonight,” she said looking directly towards John. “We have to get back. Laura, we’ll get together this week.”
“Doc, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Um, sure…”
John grabbed her elbow and led her down the hallway. Kristen and Laura watched them in silence. When they reached the outside of Belle’s room, she turned and said, “John it was a simple checkup.”
“Why didn’t you say goodbye.” He said ignoring her words. “I woke up and you were gone. My baby was gone.”
“John, not here… I can’t do this with you here.” She said pressing her lips together. “It was the only way. We’ve said everything we had to say… it was time for us to get back to reality. It looks like you’re on your way.” She said looking towards Kristen and Brady.
“Doc it’s lunch. I promised her lunch days ago.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” she forced out of her mouth.
“I didn’t think you cared either way.”
Marlena stared painfully at him, her anger rising. “Don’t say things like that to me. You know how I feel,” she said through pursed lips, unable to look into his eyes anymore.
“I do know how you feel. I feel the same way baby,” he told her, inching too closely to her. “There is nothing going on between me and Kristen.”
“You…”
He interrupted her, “Nothing. She’s a sweet girl.”
“She’s in love with you, John.”
“Well, I’m in love with you.”
Marlena lowered her head, pulling her hand into her pocket to keep from touching John. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”
“Love each other,” John answered. “That’s all I want from you. I told you. I’ll wait until you’re ready to come to me. I’m not going anywhere.” He said walking away.
“And if I tried
To give you something else,
Something outside myself,
You would not know
That the worst of anyone
Can be, finally,
An accident of hope.”
-- Anne Sexton
~For John, Who Begs Me Not To Enquire Further~ **U gotta love that title**
Twilight filtered through the windows of the Brady home; an ambiance consisting of a strange, somber regard spirited itself around her, enveloping her senses. She was sad and lonely, symptoms of leaving John, deceptively so—sneaking away in the dawn of a new day; taking Belle from her safe place at John’s side and bringing her back to the only home she’d ever known in her small vessel of time on this Earth. She’d crept as a thief in the night around the loft, searching for every piece of any confirmation of the night she’d spent with John. When she was satisfied and fully dressed, she slipped into the elevator with Belle and downstairs to the waiting cab. She left no notes or affirmations; her heart was still torn, still warring within herself.
The house was lifeless and dark when she’d walked into the door, half expecting Roman to be sitting, waiting for her… waiting for an explanation of her whereabouts. He was not there; no one was there. She tried to appreciate the solitude. She spent countless hours watching Belle, playing, and holding her closely. After a light supper, she drew a bath and climbed with Belle into the soapy water. Belle relaxed against her chest in the water, making Marlena smile. She was such a serene presence; and she was finding her way around this new world. At nearly a month, Belle was following her mother’s voice with her eyes, and responding instantly to the slightest touch from Marlena. She had never had the chance to be at such peace with the twins. Chaos and uncertainty converged on their lives from the moment that they squirmed from Marlena’s body; Roman’s death and her disappearances made it impossible to be the kind of mother that she wanted, needed to be for the twins.
She’d always wanted to be like her own mother: an ever present force in her life. She could remember waking up to her mother’s face each morning. Mama—as she called her—kneeling between the double beds that she and Sam slept in throughout their childhood, at their bedside stroking their faces tenderly until their sleep was broken. She would kiss her forehead gently, sweeping her hair from her face with the soft caress of her touch and pull Marlena into her arms. This kind of love and devotion propelled Marlena into becoming a doctor. Her mother managed to guide her into utilizing the natural abilities that Marlena possessed. She missed that in her life, having her mother so close; she missed having people who she didn’t have to fully explain things to—they could look at her and just know what she couldn’t say. She’d had that connection with Samantha. She missed Samantha… and she felt the old pain harden again, as she looked at the clock and realized that it was the hour of mourning; it was twilight. She always missed her sister at twilight. She couldn’t explain why the pain and loss struck her at the odd hour the Sun’s departure west, but she felt it. Time never lessens the pain; grief never fully disappears.
She looked to Belle again, searching for pieces of her family in her little girl. After Sam’s death, Martha had assured Marlena that Sam would never die as long as Marlena never forgot to think of her; she told her that memories are forever. She wondered if Belle would have the natural spunk that Sam possessed in spades. If she would have dreams as big as the world once she grew into the woman she would become. Belle would have the golden hair of both her mother and aunt, and their small, delicate hands; Marlena realized tracing Belle’s hand structure. Holding Belle’s hand to her mouth, she felt a calming spirit enter the room. The force of its presence lifting her hair from her shoulders, she looked vigilantly towards the direction of the wind. Everything became still around her. She closed her eyes and a name she hadn’t whispered in a long time escaped her lips, “Sam.” An inner voice, sounding as identical to Marlena as Sam had, resounded in her ear, “I’m always with you… I’ll always be with you.” A peace surrounded Marlena and she allowed herself to surrender to it. “You’ll know what you have to do when you have to do it. There is nothing in this life that happens without reason; there are no mistakes. Loss and pain come as a way to build and not to always destroy.” Marlena silently answering, cried inwardly, “I lost you. I lost DJ.” The presence neared Marlena, and it was if comforting arms draped themselves around her shoulders. “You haven’t lost me. We’ll never be lost to you. We’re always in here.” Marlena felt as if someone covered her chest with the palm of their hand. “You have to follow your heart; you have to learn that happiness is not always about what other people want… it’s also about what you want and what makes you happy. In the next couple of months, you’ll be struck with so many new things and people—nothing will ever be the same again… but you have to go through this storm with the strength and courage that you have inside of you. Remember that you’re never alone. We’ll never be separated… believe me Marlie. I’ve always loved you… and I’ll keep loving you.” Marlena’s eyes blinked open suddenly. She touched Belle, looking around the room in bewilderment. On Belle’s face was a tiny smile, one that reminded Marlena strongly of both DJ and Samantha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mom,” Sami called out, coming through the kitchen door. “No pancakes… only toast and juice.”
Marlena rolled her eyes, “Sami that’s not food. You have to eat.” She peeled the last pancake from the skillet and placed it on the plate on the counter. “Now eat.” Marlena demanded, setting the plate down on the kitchen table.
“Mom, I can’t.”
“Come on, you have time.” She said checking her wrist. “If you miss the bus I’ll take you to school,” she offered, craning her neck to the side. “What time does the bus come anyway?”
Sami chuckled, “in fifteen minutes Mom.” Sami forked a small piece of pancake into her mouth. It was an act of kindness, truly. “Mom, did you read the package? I don’t think this is done.”
“Oh come Sami, I can make a pancake,” she said dividing a piece of pancake with Sami’s fork. “Maybe not...” she said swallowing the mushy substance. “Sorry honey, your mama’s not Julia Childs.”
“Who,” Sami asked standing to dump her plate down the disposal.
“Never mind honey. Are you all set? You have your pack back?”
“Yes. Oh, I almost forgot,” Sami said rushing from the room. Marlena heard her footsteps thundering up the staircase.
“Sami?” She called at the bottom of the stairs.
“Coming mom,” she said running down the stairs. “I almost forgot… daddy called while you were in the shower.”
“Roman called?” Marlena asked anxiously. “What did he say honey?”
“He’d be home tonight.” Sami informed her happily. “I missed him this time.”
“So did I honey,” she said absent-mindedly. “What time did your daddy say he’d be coming in?”
Sami shrugged, “Gotta go mom. Kiss Belle for me,” running to meet the oncoming bus.
Marlena took a deep breath before heading upstairs to gather Belle for her doctor’s appointment. Dr. James scheduled the appointment for testing and a routine checkup. Marlena decided against telling John. She hadn’t talked to him since she’d slipped out of his bed. She gathered Belle, a diaper bag and headed out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marlena paced down the narrow hallway of the pediatric wing of University hospital. Dr. James was having a battery of test run on Belle to ensure that her breathing problems weren’t extensive in an examination room. Unable to watch the poking and prodding of her little girl, she stepped from the room for some air.
“Marlena,” Laura Horton called from the doors the elevator. She threw her hand between the doors in order to stop them from sealing her in. She excused herself and hurried toward Marlena.
“Hi honey… how are you?”
Laura looked her over, “I’m well… the question is how are you doing? You look distracted. Is everything all right?”
“Oh Laura,” Marlena said clasping Laura’s hand. “Belle… she’s having tests ran. This never gets easy, does it?”
Laura offered her a kind smile. “Never… it only gets worst.”
“Thanks,” Marlena said laughing. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
Laura enveloped Marlena with her arms. “Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?” She was happy to be back in the presence of women like Marlena; the strong kind of woman she had been before she’d been sent to the sanitarium. After years of being a victim Laura was learning to stand up and be taken seriously. When she’d returned to Salem last year, it was Marlena who looked at her without judgment. She welcomed her back as a colleague and as a friend. The years evaporated the moment Laura and Marlena embraced.
“I’ve been trying to reach you ever since I heard about Belle being admitted to University.”
“I know… I’m sorry about not getting back to you. I’ve been watching her like a madwoman.”
Laura crossed Marlena’s shoulders with her arm as they walked toward the waiting room. “It’s only natural. She’s your baby. I understand. I also understand that Roman hasn’t returned home yet.”
Marlena shook her head, “He called today… he’ll be here tonight. At least that’s what he told Sami. I was in the shower when he called.”
“Well that was convenient for him.”
“Convenient and lucky… I’ve been trying to stay calm and focus on Belle. But, I’m so angry that he would leave us like this—with no phone calls. Belle’s still a newborn baby.”
“So this won’t be a happy homecoming I assume.”
“Uh Uh… not likely Laura,” Marlena said biting down on her bottom lip. She saw Dr. James walking towards them. “Excuse me Laura.”
“Dr. Evans don’t worry Belle is perfect. Antibiotics seem to be working… and her lungs sound clear. I’d say you have a pretty healthy baby on your hands.”
“Oh thank you.”
“It’s no trouble. You can take Belle home just as soon as you’d like.” Dr. James told her walking back down the corridor.
“Well, that’s one way to brighten your day,” Laura said squeezing Marlena’s hand.
“It sure is. I’m so relieved.”
“Belle’s all right?” John asked stepping from the elevator.
Marlena stood bewildered and speechless.
“You’re such a caring godfather John… Belle’s lucky to have you in her life,” Laura said watching the quiet conversation between John and Marlena’s eye contact.
“Yes, she is…” Marlena said getting a grip on herself. “She’s fine according to Dr. James. This was just a routine checkup.”
“Why didn’t you tell me Doc? I would have come with you.”
She shook her head swiftly, “No. Um we’re fine.” She averted her eyes from John to Laura, who was watching her carefully, watching them both carefully.
“John, how is Brady?” Laura said trying to alleviate the obvious tension.
“Beautiful.” John replied eyeing Marlena’s suspicious behavior. “How have you been Laura?”
“Fine… I’m happy to be back home with friends and family.”
“Good for you,” John told her. He fought the overwhelming urge to question Marlena’s jumpy mood. “Well, I’d like to see Belle.”
“She’s in the examining room,” Marlena said drawing her attention toward the elevator where Kristen and Brady exited together.
“John, Brady’s hungry. Tell him Brady,” Kristen said walking toward them.
“Hello Kristen.” Marlena said kindly. “Hi Brady.” The little boy smiled at her coyly. He was growing into his father’s looks more and more, his jet-black hair, and cool, blue eyes.
“Marlena how is Belle? John told me what happened with her. I hope she’s feeling better.”
“Oh yes, she is. Thank you for asking Kristen.” She smiled robotically, crossing her hands over her chest. She was unprepared for Brady looking so familiar with Kristen; it sparked a sliver of jealousy. “Well, I think we better get going. Roman’s coming home tonight,” she said looking directly towards John. “We have to get back. Laura, we’ll get together this week.”
“Doc, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Um, sure…”
John grabbed her elbow and led her down the hallway. Kristen and Laura watched them in silence. When they reached the outside of Belle’s room, she turned and said, “John it was a simple checkup.”
“Why didn’t you say goodbye.” He said ignoring her words. “I woke up and you were gone. My baby was gone.”
“John, not here… I can’t do this with you here.” She said pressing her lips together. “It was the only way. We’ve said everything we had to say… it was time for us to get back to reality. It looks like you’re on your way.” She said looking towards Kristen and Brady.
“Doc it’s lunch. I promised her lunch days ago.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” she forced out of her mouth.
“I didn’t think you cared either way.”
Marlena stared painfully at him, her anger rising. “Don’t say things like that to me. You know how I feel,” she said through pursed lips, unable to look into his eyes anymore.
“I do know how you feel. I feel the same way baby,” he told her, inching too closely to her. “There is nothing going on between me and Kristen.”
“You…”
He interrupted her, “Nothing. She’s a sweet girl.”
“She’s in love with you, John.”
“Well, I’m in love with you.”
Marlena lowered her head, pulling her hand into her pocket to keep from touching John. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”
“Love each other,” John answered. “That’s all I want from you. I told you. I’ll wait until you’re ready to come to me. I’m not going anywhere.” He said walking away.
