Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 21:43:42 GMT -5
2.3 I Stand Outside
“When others asked the truth of me,
I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted,
But an illusion they could bear to live with.”
-- Anais Nin
Salem, November 1993
The first snow of pre-winter fell in the midst of the misty morning as a gloomy overcast settled in the skyline of Salem’s downtown district. The season’s shift signaled renewal, Marlena’s spirits were uplifted watching the snow coating the windshield of her Mercedes as she drove. She turned into the parking garage below University Hospital. She drove through the gate toward her personal parking space on the ground level.
A brisk air nipped at her face as she hurried from the car to the elevator. She was anxious to return to her job, to the patients who depended on her. She was also anxious to remove herself from the mounting tension at home. Roman’s mood was sullen and unresponsive. They hadn’t spoken of the night of his return home. They spoke only necessary words to each other in front of the children; but the distance between them was apparent. He left home early in the morning; returning home very late each night—upon return no warmth or affection for his wife. They were at an impasse, neither prepared to call truce. She was naturally upset by Roman’s reaction to what she had said about John. He was still sleeping on the living room couch; she was still snuggling close to Belle every night in their bed. She hadn’t even informed him of her decision to return to work, deciding on working half-days until Belle was a little older. At dawn, she’d simply rolled out of bed, gotten dressed and prepared Belle for her first day without her mommy. Caroline arrived by seven-thirty—by then Roman had already gone—and relieved Marlena. After a few tears and kisses, she managed to force herself to the car.
Her kind faced secretary Chloe greeted her as she entered the inner office of the door with her name. She’d touched the door sign, running her fingers along her name. Dr. Marlena Evans; she was a significant element of University. Being so and feeling so made her feel a sense of immediate accomplishment. She loved her family but she needed her work; she was an autonomous woman with a natural inclination for helping others.
“Thank you,” Marlena said, taking a new patient file and a couple phone messages from Chloe. “If my mother-in-law calls, put her through immediately.”
“Okay. I nearly forgot… Kristen Blake stopped by to talk with you. She said she’d return.”
Marlena’s eyes widened, “Kristen Blake?”
“Yes.” Chloe assured her.
“Thank you Chloe,” Marlena said opening the door of her office. She set her briefcase on the couch and spanned the room visually. The room was comfortable, not an overwhelming sense of space. She was happy to be in the familiar surroundings, away from the uncertainty beyond the door. As Dr. Marlena Evans, she was a self-aware, self-assured voice of reason; Mrs. Roman Brady was another matter all together. With Roman, she was an appendage, which required little thinking—appearance took precedence. How had she fallen into that role? She was a well-educated woman with ideas, with goals. She had been this person her entire life. Roman’s vision of Marlena had been cemented from their beginning; he was assigned to protect her. He was the hero; she was the damsel in distress. They’d never reevaluated those roles. He wanted to be in power where she was concerned—losing control was the source of his anger, she reasoned. She wasn’t that woman, not even in the beginning. She wasn’t weak. Losing her son and husband had strengthened her. She had some weak moments after Sam’s death; it was almost as painful as losing D.J. In that dark period of her life, she’d leaned on Roman; it was a comfort to have him there. After his death, she tried to be strong. She focused on their children, her work, and herself. Marlena learned that though it was hard, she could live without him. It hurt to be alone in the world without love, but he’d left her with their children. It was enough until John came into their lives and she remembered what it was she loved about being loved by a man.
Chloe’s voice over the intercom broke Marlena’s thought process. She informed her that Kristen Blake was waiting to see her. Marlena cleared her throat and welcomed her in. She stood to shake Kristen’s hand, offering her a seat on the couch.
“Marlena, I hope I’m not taking up your time.” Kristen said apologetically. “I just needed to talk to you.”
“No I have a few minutes,” Marlena assured her, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. She observed Kristen; unconsciously sizing up the competition. The young woman was beautiful she admitted to herself. Long blonde hair, peach complexioned skin that complimented her narrow emerald eyes.
“It’s about John.” Kristen said shifting her eyes toward the ceiling. “I don’t know how to say this…”
Marlena was intrigued, “Just say whatever you have to Kristen,” she ushered calmly.
“Well, I wanted to know something about John. I wanted to know if you think he’s ready to move on… with me?” She said bringing her eyes back to Marlena.
Marlena managed to keep her distant, staid composure. She took a deep breath, “I think you have to ask John this question.”
“No, I think you can answer it better than John. I don’t mean to pry Marlena. It’s just… I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s so protective of you and Belle… of all of your children.”
Marlena interrupted her, “He’s protective of the people he loves. It’s who John is… he’ll always be that way.”
“Will he always love you?” Kristen questioned.
“Yes,” Marlena said straightforwardly. “And I’ll always love him. He’s a very special part of my life… as you’ve said. He’s Belle’s godfather and my children love him as a second father.” She sounded territorial; she didn’t want to sound that way. “Kristen, this is a discussion I think you should have with John.”
“Marlena, I’m not here to complicate your life. I am falling in love with John,” she admitted.
“I can’t help you with that.”
“Are you in love with John?”
Marlena looked bewildered, shifting her gaze to Kristen she said, “I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. And I honestly don’t believe this is any of your business. John, Roman, and I have a complicated past—one that can’t be dissected. We’ve all moved on.”
“I’m sorry if you think I’m being too forward.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I would rather you and I not have any more discussions about this in the future. My life is not up for debate. John is a free man. I’m married to Roman.” She said standing to show Kristen the door.
“I can abide by that. I’ll talk to John.” Kristen said following Marlena’s lead. She exited the office with a parting smile.
“When others asked the truth of me,
I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted,
But an illusion they could bear to live with.”
-- Anais Nin
Salem, November 1993
The first snow of pre-winter fell in the midst of the misty morning as a gloomy overcast settled in the skyline of Salem’s downtown district. The season’s shift signaled renewal, Marlena’s spirits were uplifted watching the snow coating the windshield of her Mercedes as she drove. She turned into the parking garage below University Hospital. She drove through the gate toward her personal parking space on the ground level.
A brisk air nipped at her face as she hurried from the car to the elevator. She was anxious to return to her job, to the patients who depended on her. She was also anxious to remove herself from the mounting tension at home. Roman’s mood was sullen and unresponsive. They hadn’t spoken of the night of his return home. They spoke only necessary words to each other in front of the children; but the distance between them was apparent. He left home early in the morning; returning home very late each night—upon return no warmth or affection for his wife. They were at an impasse, neither prepared to call truce. She was naturally upset by Roman’s reaction to what she had said about John. He was still sleeping on the living room couch; she was still snuggling close to Belle every night in their bed. She hadn’t even informed him of her decision to return to work, deciding on working half-days until Belle was a little older. At dawn, she’d simply rolled out of bed, gotten dressed and prepared Belle for her first day without her mommy. Caroline arrived by seven-thirty—by then Roman had already gone—and relieved Marlena. After a few tears and kisses, she managed to force herself to the car.
Her kind faced secretary Chloe greeted her as she entered the inner office of the door with her name. She’d touched the door sign, running her fingers along her name. Dr. Marlena Evans; she was a significant element of University. Being so and feeling so made her feel a sense of immediate accomplishment. She loved her family but she needed her work; she was an autonomous woman with a natural inclination for helping others.
“Thank you,” Marlena said, taking a new patient file and a couple phone messages from Chloe. “If my mother-in-law calls, put her through immediately.”
“Okay. I nearly forgot… Kristen Blake stopped by to talk with you. She said she’d return.”
Marlena’s eyes widened, “Kristen Blake?”
“Yes.” Chloe assured her.
“Thank you Chloe,” Marlena said opening the door of her office. She set her briefcase on the couch and spanned the room visually. The room was comfortable, not an overwhelming sense of space. She was happy to be in the familiar surroundings, away from the uncertainty beyond the door. As Dr. Marlena Evans, she was a self-aware, self-assured voice of reason; Mrs. Roman Brady was another matter all together. With Roman, she was an appendage, which required little thinking—appearance took precedence. How had she fallen into that role? She was a well-educated woman with ideas, with goals. She had been this person her entire life. Roman’s vision of Marlena had been cemented from their beginning; he was assigned to protect her. He was the hero; she was the damsel in distress. They’d never reevaluated those roles. He wanted to be in power where she was concerned—losing control was the source of his anger, she reasoned. She wasn’t that woman, not even in the beginning. She wasn’t weak. Losing her son and husband had strengthened her. She had some weak moments after Sam’s death; it was almost as painful as losing D.J. In that dark period of her life, she’d leaned on Roman; it was a comfort to have him there. After his death, she tried to be strong. She focused on their children, her work, and herself. Marlena learned that though it was hard, she could live without him. It hurt to be alone in the world without love, but he’d left her with their children. It was enough until John came into their lives and she remembered what it was she loved about being loved by a man.
Chloe’s voice over the intercom broke Marlena’s thought process. She informed her that Kristen Blake was waiting to see her. Marlena cleared her throat and welcomed her in. She stood to shake Kristen’s hand, offering her a seat on the couch.
“Marlena, I hope I’m not taking up your time.” Kristen said apologetically. “I just needed to talk to you.”
“No I have a few minutes,” Marlena assured her, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. She observed Kristen; unconsciously sizing up the competition. The young woman was beautiful she admitted to herself. Long blonde hair, peach complexioned skin that complimented her narrow emerald eyes.
“It’s about John.” Kristen said shifting her eyes toward the ceiling. “I don’t know how to say this…”
Marlena was intrigued, “Just say whatever you have to Kristen,” she ushered calmly.
“Well, I wanted to know something about John. I wanted to know if you think he’s ready to move on… with me?” She said bringing her eyes back to Marlena.
Marlena managed to keep her distant, staid composure. She took a deep breath, “I think you have to ask John this question.”
“No, I think you can answer it better than John. I don’t mean to pry Marlena. It’s just… I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s so protective of you and Belle… of all of your children.”
Marlena interrupted her, “He’s protective of the people he loves. It’s who John is… he’ll always be that way.”
“Will he always love you?” Kristen questioned.
“Yes,” Marlena said straightforwardly. “And I’ll always love him. He’s a very special part of my life… as you’ve said. He’s Belle’s godfather and my children love him as a second father.” She sounded territorial; she didn’t want to sound that way. “Kristen, this is a discussion I think you should have with John.”
“Marlena, I’m not here to complicate your life. I am falling in love with John,” she admitted.
“I can’t help you with that.”
“Are you in love with John?”
Marlena looked bewildered, shifting her gaze to Kristen she said, “I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. And I honestly don’t believe this is any of your business. John, Roman, and I have a complicated past—one that can’t be dissected. We’ve all moved on.”
“I’m sorry if you think I’m being too forward.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I would rather you and I not have any more discussions about this in the future. My life is not up for debate. John is a free man. I’m married to Roman.” She said standing to show Kristen the door.
“I can abide by that. I’ll talk to John.” Kristen said following Marlena’s lead. She exited the office with a parting smile.
