Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 22:03:16 GMT -5
2.7 I Know You Have A Little Life In You Yet
And this was my worst guilt; you could not
Cure nor soothe it. I made you
Come find me.
-- Anne Sexton
The Double Image
Disheartened--what other word could describe Marlena’s sudden dissent into darkness. She was depressed, profoundly low-spirited, and unable to pull herself out of her rut. How could she have allowed herself to sink into a confusion that could lead her to making love to John and Roman, on the same night? She was a doctor; and, not only a doctor, but a psychiatrist who had been clinically trained in aiding others to make decisions about their lives—good decisions.
She’d felt disgusted with herself, with the situation she had slowly let immerse her entire life. Roman and John; John and Roman; Roman or John; the complicated web that she’d helped weave by telling John how much she loved him still and physically assuring Roman that they were still okay.
Grateful for Roman’s early call, she dragged herself from bed and decided she needed finally to have an objective person to listen to her. Someone she trusted implicitly: Laura. It was all she could do not to throw herself in the floor and allow her tears to fall; instead, she asked Carrie to watch Belle and called Laura to make an emergency appointment. She showered and dressed, choosing a heavy turtleneck and blazer pantsuit to hide Roman and John’s amorously obvious declarations of their love.
Laura was waiting with two cups of tea when Marlena arrived. Her friend took one look at her and stood up to hug her. “Honey what is it?” Marlena’s tear-stained face alarmed Laura.
“Oh Laura, I’ve created a mess that I don’t think I can fix.” She said sitting down on the soft love seat across from Laura.
“John…” Laura said leaning forward to take Marlena’s hand.
Marlena’s mouth dropped open and a long sigh escaped. “Is it that obvious?”
“Maybe not to the naked eye… but there is something there, isn’t it?”
She bit her lip self-consciously, “Yeah,” she whispered timidly. “There is something… there’s a big something Laura. I’m so scared of… of this thing that’s pulling me deeper and deeper inside myself.”
“Release it honey. Tell me what it is?”
“Belle,” Marlena said hastily. “It’s Belle… she is not Roman’s daughter Laura,” she spoke deliberately, watching Laura’s face as she did. Knowing that finally saying the truth to someone other than John meant that it was real. “She’s John’s.”
Laura remained stone-faced.
“I know it’s almost impossible to imagine… this whole thing is impossible to believe. I couldn’t believe it myself, not really. I think I was holding on to some false reality… about Belle and John. He’s her daddy. Every time I look into her eyes I know it.” Marlena said sadly. “I know it.”
“I know this is traumatizing for you Marlena… and I don’t want you to delve into something you’re not ready to share. If Belle is John’s baby then you and he had relationship. You and John were intimate?”
“Twice… we made love twice. I kept telling myself when I found out about the baby that he couldn’t possibly be the father. Those two times couldn’t outweigh all the nights Roman and I had spent deliberately attempting to have a baby.” Marlena took a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I slept with John on my anniversary—Roman’s and my anniversary on Victor’s plane. He was leaving town and I couldn’t live with the idea that I was driving him away.”
“How could you be driving him away?”
Marlena wrung her hands together before answering. The cold metal of her wedding bad cooled her hand. “Denying him… denying myself. I’ve been in love with John for the past eight years. Not the John that was Roman; but John Black, my husband… my life,” she said, her voice trailing off. “All of those years I was away… I didn’t yearn for Roman, Laura. I wanted John. I needed him. Coming back to Salem and finding him with Isabella broke my heart… then there was Roman. He came back and I should be grateful for that—grateful for Roman’s return. The children have their Daddy back and Caroline and Shawn have their son back. Everyone has everything they want.”
“Everyone except you and John?”
“Laura, this is so complicated. Why can’t I forget about him? I should know better than this. It’s self-destructive.”
“It’s love honey. You’re in love with John. You can’t turn those feelings off just because you’re expected to. When you came back to Salem you wanted John, and he was with someone else… and by default, you and Roman reunited and acted as if nothing that happened in the past couple of years had happened. That’s a dangerous notion Marlena. You and John were never able to resolve all those feelings from the time you were missing. You tried to close yourself off and now you’re so raw and numb that it’s killing you. Look at you honey.”
“Laura, I’ve made love to John since Belle’s birth.”
“Oh Marlena.”
“I know… it’s not like me at all. It’s not something I totally understand. I do love John… being with him makes me happy. But I have no right to love John. I’m married to Roman.”
“Do you love Roman?”
“Of course I love Roman. I’ll always love Roman…”
“And John?”
“I love John.”
“You can’t have it both ways Marlena. Eventually you’ll have to choose. Affairs are destructive forces. They are the source of so much anger and pain; and, not only for you and for Roman… think of your children. Think of Belle. Don’t you think they deserve a mother who is fully involved in their lives? In affairs, you have to live a lie. You have to cover up whom you really are so that you can hide what’s going on with you. There has to be a decision made. You know that.”
“I do know that. I know that I love my husband and I know that I love John. I can’t see the difference anymore. Maybe I just want to be with John physically, and that it’s not about love at all.”
“Honey, do you really believe that? You know for women sex is about the deep emotional connection between yourself and the person you love. You’re not having sex with him because you need him physically; there is a part of you that loves him deeper than you can say.”
“Laura, I can’t keep fighting this. As long as John is around… as long as he’s here I can’t remain true to Roman.”
“Well, isn’t that your answer? If you loved Roman as much as you think you do then John would be a non-issue. You have to explore that.”
“John’s the father of my child,” Marlena pointed out. “We’re connected.”
“You’re connected to Roman in the same way.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Roman didn’t raise our children. He’s barely had a birthday with them. John has been the only father they’ve known. I feel like John is their daddy.”
“But he’s not. You know Roman is the father of the twins and Carrie. What you need to know for sure is if Belle really is John’s baby. I’m not talking purely woman’s intuition. You should have a test done just to be sure. And if he is, then maybe you and he can come to an understanding. You have to make a decision either way. You can’t stay in limbo forever Marlena.”
“I feel terrible.”
“Don’t feel terrible… just make a decision, honey. If it’s John then be with John; if you love and want to be with Roman, then do so. I wouldn’t tell you anything I didn’t believe myself. I’ve been in this situation myself… the only person who ends up hurting are you and the person you really love. I’m not saying who that person is but I am saying that you have to choose one. Otherwise, you’ll be confused and frustrated forever.”
“I need time to clear my head away from John and Roman.”
“That might be the best idea honey.”
“I could visit Mama and Daddy. I could also see Eric and introduce them to Belle.”
“Sounds good to me Marlena but remember that you need to clearly define Belle’s paternity. Ask John to take a test. I can set it up here so that no one will know.”
“A paternity test?”
“Yes, you have to know either way.”
“You’re right Laura. Just for peace of mind,” she said knowing what she’d have to do, where she would have to go.
“Belle could very well be Roman’s child Marlena.”
“This will kill John… he’s already so attached to Belle.”
“It’s hurting him either way. This way you’re sure… and then if it’s necessary you can have legal papers drawn up to protect yourself and Belle.”
“From John?”
“From whomever Marlena.”
“I’ll go talk to him…” she said standing up. “ Thank you for listening. It’s been so tough keeping this inside.”
“Whenever you need me,” Laura told her leading her to the door. “John will understand. Once this issue is resolved you can choose what you have to do.”
“Thanks again,” Marlena said kissing Laura’s cheek. “I’m going to talk to John.”
“Good luck.”
And this was my worst guilt; you could not
Cure nor soothe it. I made you
Come find me.
-- Anne Sexton
The Double Image
Disheartened--what other word could describe Marlena’s sudden dissent into darkness. She was depressed, profoundly low-spirited, and unable to pull herself out of her rut. How could she have allowed herself to sink into a confusion that could lead her to making love to John and Roman, on the same night? She was a doctor; and, not only a doctor, but a psychiatrist who had been clinically trained in aiding others to make decisions about their lives—good decisions.
She’d felt disgusted with herself, with the situation she had slowly let immerse her entire life. Roman and John; John and Roman; Roman or John; the complicated web that she’d helped weave by telling John how much she loved him still and physically assuring Roman that they were still okay.
Grateful for Roman’s early call, she dragged herself from bed and decided she needed finally to have an objective person to listen to her. Someone she trusted implicitly: Laura. It was all she could do not to throw herself in the floor and allow her tears to fall; instead, she asked Carrie to watch Belle and called Laura to make an emergency appointment. She showered and dressed, choosing a heavy turtleneck and blazer pantsuit to hide Roman and John’s amorously obvious declarations of their love.
Laura was waiting with two cups of tea when Marlena arrived. Her friend took one look at her and stood up to hug her. “Honey what is it?” Marlena’s tear-stained face alarmed Laura.
“Oh Laura, I’ve created a mess that I don’t think I can fix.” She said sitting down on the soft love seat across from Laura.
“John…” Laura said leaning forward to take Marlena’s hand.
Marlena’s mouth dropped open and a long sigh escaped. “Is it that obvious?”
“Maybe not to the naked eye… but there is something there, isn’t it?”
She bit her lip self-consciously, “Yeah,” she whispered timidly. “There is something… there’s a big something Laura. I’m so scared of… of this thing that’s pulling me deeper and deeper inside myself.”
“Release it honey. Tell me what it is?”
“Belle,” Marlena said hastily. “It’s Belle… she is not Roman’s daughter Laura,” she spoke deliberately, watching Laura’s face as she did. Knowing that finally saying the truth to someone other than John meant that it was real. “She’s John’s.”
Laura remained stone-faced.
“I know it’s almost impossible to imagine… this whole thing is impossible to believe. I couldn’t believe it myself, not really. I think I was holding on to some false reality… about Belle and John. He’s her daddy. Every time I look into her eyes I know it.” Marlena said sadly. “I know it.”
“I know this is traumatizing for you Marlena… and I don’t want you to delve into something you’re not ready to share. If Belle is John’s baby then you and he had relationship. You and John were intimate?”
“Twice… we made love twice. I kept telling myself when I found out about the baby that he couldn’t possibly be the father. Those two times couldn’t outweigh all the nights Roman and I had spent deliberately attempting to have a baby.” Marlena took a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I slept with John on my anniversary—Roman’s and my anniversary on Victor’s plane. He was leaving town and I couldn’t live with the idea that I was driving him away.”
“How could you be driving him away?”
Marlena wrung her hands together before answering. The cold metal of her wedding bad cooled her hand. “Denying him… denying myself. I’ve been in love with John for the past eight years. Not the John that was Roman; but John Black, my husband… my life,” she said, her voice trailing off. “All of those years I was away… I didn’t yearn for Roman, Laura. I wanted John. I needed him. Coming back to Salem and finding him with Isabella broke my heart… then there was Roman. He came back and I should be grateful for that—grateful for Roman’s return. The children have their Daddy back and Caroline and Shawn have their son back. Everyone has everything they want.”
“Everyone except you and John?”
“Laura, this is so complicated. Why can’t I forget about him? I should know better than this. It’s self-destructive.”
“It’s love honey. You’re in love with John. You can’t turn those feelings off just because you’re expected to. When you came back to Salem you wanted John, and he was with someone else… and by default, you and Roman reunited and acted as if nothing that happened in the past couple of years had happened. That’s a dangerous notion Marlena. You and John were never able to resolve all those feelings from the time you were missing. You tried to close yourself off and now you’re so raw and numb that it’s killing you. Look at you honey.”
“Laura, I’ve made love to John since Belle’s birth.”
“Oh Marlena.”
“I know… it’s not like me at all. It’s not something I totally understand. I do love John… being with him makes me happy. But I have no right to love John. I’m married to Roman.”
“Do you love Roman?”
“Of course I love Roman. I’ll always love Roman…”
“And John?”
“I love John.”
“You can’t have it both ways Marlena. Eventually you’ll have to choose. Affairs are destructive forces. They are the source of so much anger and pain; and, not only for you and for Roman… think of your children. Think of Belle. Don’t you think they deserve a mother who is fully involved in their lives? In affairs, you have to live a lie. You have to cover up whom you really are so that you can hide what’s going on with you. There has to be a decision made. You know that.”
“I do know that. I know that I love my husband and I know that I love John. I can’t see the difference anymore. Maybe I just want to be with John physically, and that it’s not about love at all.”
“Honey, do you really believe that? You know for women sex is about the deep emotional connection between yourself and the person you love. You’re not having sex with him because you need him physically; there is a part of you that loves him deeper than you can say.”
“Laura, I can’t keep fighting this. As long as John is around… as long as he’s here I can’t remain true to Roman.”
“Well, isn’t that your answer? If you loved Roman as much as you think you do then John would be a non-issue. You have to explore that.”
“John’s the father of my child,” Marlena pointed out. “We’re connected.”
“You’re connected to Roman in the same way.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Roman didn’t raise our children. He’s barely had a birthday with them. John has been the only father they’ve known. I feel like John is their daddy.”
“But he’s not. You know Roman is the father of the twins and Carrie. What you need to know for sure is if Belle really is John’s baby. I’m not talking purely woman’s intuition. You should have a test done just to be sure. And if he is, then maybe you and he can come to an understanding. You have to make a decision either way. You can’t stay in limbo forever Marlena.”
“I feel terrible.”
“Don’t feel terrible… just make a decision, honey. If it’s John then be with John; if you love and want to be with Roman, then do so. I wouldn’t tell you anything I didn’t believe myself. I’ve been in this situation myself… the only person who ends up hurting are you and the person you really love. I’m not saying who that person is but I am saying that you have to choose one. Otherwise, you’ll be confused and frustrated forever.”
“I need time to clear my head away from John and Roman.”
“That might be the best idea honey.”
“I could visit Mama and Daddy. I could also see Eric and introduce them to Belle.”
“Sounds good to me Marlena but remember that you need to clearly define Belle’s paternity. Ask John to take a test. I can set it up here so that no one will know.”
“A paternity test?”
“Yes, you have to know either way.”
“You’re right Laura. Just for peace of mind,” she said knowing what she’d have to do, where she would have to go.
“Belle could very well be Roman’s child Marlena.”
“This will kill John… he’s already so attached to Belle.”
“It’s hurting him either way. This way you’re sure… and then if it’s necessary you can have legal papers drawn up to protect yourself and Belle.”
“From John?”
“From whomever Marlena.”
“I’ll go talk to him…” she said standing up. “ Thank you for listening. It’s been so tough keeping this inside.”
“Whenever you need me,” Laura told her leading her to the door. “John will understand. Once this issue is resolved you can choose what you have to do.”
“Thanks again,” Marlena said kissing Laura’s cheek. “I’m going to talk to John.”
“Good luck.”
