Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 22:04:45 GMT -5
2.8 I Should Be Crying But I Just Can’t Let It Show
“My love for you [is] so strong
That no one can kill it
--not even you.”
-- Anonymous
Indelible images of a family—his family—burst into his mind’s eye. A family of small blonde children with eyes the color of the ocean, and a beautiful blonde wife at his side—his ultimate fantasy; which, at one time had been John’s reality.
“Get over it Black.” He spat angrily in the dead air of the dimly lit loft. “She’s never going to chose you.” He pulled a black photo album from its hiding place beneath the couch. Opening the first page to a picture of Marlena; she was asleep in bed with Sami and Eric snuggled up with her. He’d snapped the shot after a severely rough night with the twins, who had been sick with colds. Always the nurturer, her hand lay draped around the babies’ tummies; Sami close to her heart, Eric only inches away. He thumbed on, compelled by a candid picture of Marlena and himself, holding each other; her arms looped beneath his, her lips resting tenderly on his chin; the width of his arms snaked around the small of her back. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known; however, aesthetics was not her appeal. He loved her because she was the most loving, endearing woman he’d ever known. He loved the way in which she loved her children; the way that her eyes lit up whenever any one of them entered a room. He loved how much she loved Carrie whom she hadn’t given birth to; but, loved her with the same intensity and determination she did with her natural children. John was drawn to the innate goodness of her spirit; by her love of humanity and how much she enjoyed helping people. He remembered how hard he’d searched for a place to land while he was suffering from amnesia—until he looked into her eyes. It was as if she’d been saving a place for him her entire life, losing her never seemed like an option with them. Even when she was missing, he’d felt as if she weren’t far from her. He still felt an incredible connection to her then and more so now. He wanted to be with her and their children. He wanted everything to be the way it had always been; but, he was exhausted. He was tired of fighting Marlena; he was tired of fighting himself.
A soft knock on the door jarred John from his self-imposed pity fest; he dropped the photo album on the coffee table and hurried to the door. Half-expecting to see Marlena, his heart leapt; instead, he slid the door open to Kristen’s beaming face.
Taken aback, he said “Kristen ... Hello.”
“Hi John, I hope I’m not interrupting you.”
John looked over his shoulder, eyeing his empty loft. “No... Come in.” He said taking a step back to watch Kristen swaying pass him.
“Are you okay? You seem... I don’t know... maybe a little sad.”
John closed the door and followed Kristen inside. She sat down on the couch; her hand went immediately to the photo album on the table. She opened the leather-bound book to the picture of Marlena and John. Looking from the photo to John she said, “Beautiful picture. It’s so telling.”
John retrieved the album from Kristen in a haste, tossing it on the counter top across the room. “I was just looking over some old pictures.”
“Beautiful memories?”
“Yes they were. Doc and I had a wonderful life together.” He said lowering his head. “You want something to drink. I’m going to have something.”
“Something strong?”
“Very strong,” He told her walking to the kitchen to fix himself a scotch on the rocks. “Nothing?”
“No,” Kristen said walking to meet John in the kitchen. “Where’s Brady?”
“With Victor. He loves him so much and ever since we lost Isabella... he really looks to Brady. I’m happy to share the kid with Vic.”
“Well that’s good for Brady and Victor but what about you? It’s not good for you to be here alone.”
“I’m fine Kristen.”
“With your memories,” She said eyeing John. “Don’t you think that it’s time you moved on?”
“Move on... from what Kristen?”
“Marlena—her life is no longer your concern.” She said confidently.
“Why do you assume I’m consumed with Marlena,” John asked seeming slightly embarrassed as he sipped his drink.
“You’re sitting here in the dark, looking over that photo album... pining away for Marlena. I know how you feel about her. I can even understand why you feel the way you do but John... she’s moved on.”
“Kristen I don’t want to have this discussion with you.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Marlena said entering the loft, having been standing in the partially opened entrance. Kristen’s face fell ashen, and she looked to John for his reprieve.
Kristen looked away from John toward the door, “Marlena.”
“Kristen, I’d like to speak with John... if you don’t mind.” She said unbuttoning her coat, eyeing John from her place beside the counter; the familiar photo album caught her attention.
Kristen waited for John to respond, lingering between John and Marlena’s contentious glare down. John downed the last of his drink before finally acknowledging Kristen, “Maybe it’s best if you go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” He said showing her to the door. “I’m sorry about this.”
“If you need to talk after,” she said shooting Marlena a side glance, “I’m available.”
“I’ll be okay,” John assured her as he waved goodbye, closed the door, and turned back to face Marlena. “I’m not sure what you’re doing here Marlena... but I think you should probably go.”
She rolled her eyes, obviously upset. “John, I came to talk to you. I didn’t know you would be here with Kristen. I’m sorry if I interrupted...”
John cut her sentence off abruptly, “Marlena, don’t come into my house and act presumptuous. As you keep telling me, you have no right to what goes on with me... isn’t that one of your favorite lines?”
“John, don’t...”
“Don’t what? I’m actually surprised that you aren’t jumping on top of me right now,” He said heading to the open bottle of scotch. “Isn’t this about the time when you want to be with me... when you think someone else has me?”
Visually, Marlena silently followed John’s movements. The lost look in John’s eyes saddened her. They were darting frenetically around the room, his hand gripping his glass. She watched him take one sip, wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, and then take another sip.
“Don’t look at me like that. You don’t get to judge me, Marlena. You can’t keep doing this to me—to us. I deserve more than the moments that you throw at me. I love you and you know that. You know I would do anything for you but I’m tired of this back and forth. The limbo is killing me Doc. I was hoping that you would come around eventually and see things my way. I wanted you to finally be able to admit to the world that you love me and want to be with me, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He said dropping on the stool in front of the counter. “Look at this family. We were happy.”
Marlena moved to his side, laying her hand across his shoulder lightly. She could smell his spicy aftershave mixing with the alcohol seeping through his skin. “John, this isn’t good for you,” she said reaching for his glass.
He snatched it back. “I’m not one of your children. Don’t treat me like I am. I’m an adult.”
“Then have an adult conversation with me without hiding behind alcohol. You don’t need it.”
“No,” He said slamming his glass down. “I need you.” He reached up and seized her face between his hands.
“John don’t, I didn’t come here for this.” Marlena said pulling out of his grasp. “We have to talk.” She attempted to walk away; John snatched her wrist to stop her.
“Doc, do you understand what this is doing to me?” He queried yanking roughly on her arm, managing to turn her body back towards him.
“John, let go of my wrist please.”
He kissed her; clenching her mouth against his as he released her wrist and lifted his hands to each side of her neck. He pulled the material of her turtleneck down—kissing her—exposing the bites that Roman’s mouth had left. Moving back incredulously, he wrenched her forearms between his fingers, “you didn’t.” He said tracing her neck with curious fingers, holding her steady and against her will.
“John stop this.” She managed to free herself from his hold on her forearms. “I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this. I’ll go.”
“No,” he said running to block her pathway at the entrance of the loft. “No you won’t.”
“John.”
“No. You made love to Roman.” He accused her. “You promised me you wouldn’t.”
She shook her head.
“Yes.”
“No, I didn’t,” she reminded him. “I never said anything like that. I could never promise you something like that John. I am married to Roman. I have a life with him.”
The alcohol was tainting his mind, anger rose steadily, “You’re only his wife when it suits you Marlena. Who are you fooling here? Yourself or Roman? You can’t make love to me and then keep telling me how much you love and respect him. You can’t possibly feel that way if you’re here in my living room. Or calling out my name while you’re in my bed.”
Marlena tried to gather words that would heal the moment, or at least calm the moment. Nothing seemed suitable enough for the pain etched across John’s face.
“Don’t stand there looking so innocent. You’ve done this. You’re apart of this as much as I am. You can’t face up to it; you want me to take all the blame. I’m not going to do that anymore.”
“John please,” she said bringing her hand to cover her mouth. She didn’t want to break down in front of John, but her emotions ran over the top. Tears caught in her throat making it hard to speak. “I don’t want to argue with you. I wanted to talk about Belle.”
“What about Belle?” He yelled.
“I want—would you… I need you to take a paternity test.” She stammered, dropping her eyes to the ground.
“Why?”
“Please.”
“I’m not going to appease you because you’re trying to work things out with Roman. Because you fell back into his bed… that’s not my problem.”
Stung by the venom in John’s words, she answered back “I didn’t… this isn’t about Roman. It’s for you as much as it is for me—think of Belle.”
“I have thought of Belle. I’ve told you… I know who her father is. I can’t believe you would do this to her. What do you need the truth in black and white so that you can what…?”
“John, don’t do this to me.”
“I’m not doing anything to you Doc. I’m fighting for my life here. You’re not helping me.” He said taking her by the arm and dragging her to the couch. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because we have to settle things. I can’t live in limbo anymore either.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I have to know. We need to know. I hope you want to know.”
“I know. I know she’s my little girl.”
“Well I don’t… not for sure anyway. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Doc,” John said clutching his hair in his hand. “How could you make love to Roman? I don’t understand that Doc.”
“I’m not going to have this discussion with you. That is my husband. What goes on in our bed is not your business. This is about Belle.”
“I’m so sick of hearing about your husband. Go to your husband then… why are you here in my loft? You could have called to ask me this.”
“John.”
“I’m serious. Your husband… you’re bed, the whole thing makes me sick.”
“The way you’re acting makes me sick.” She replied. “You don’t own me. This is my life it doesn’t belong to you. You don’t have the right to this sense of entitlement… you lost that right a long before now John.”
“I own everything about you. You can make love to however many men you want and I’ll still be the man you want… and you know that. I can’t believe you would let Roman touch you after all we’ve done when we’re together. How did you explain the marks on your body to him?”
“Will you take the test?”
“Did you have another excuse that he bought? Did he kiss those places to make them all better? Did he? Did you play the seductress for him the way you did in your office with me?”
“John…”
“Did you? Did you cry out his name while he came in you?” He yelled, disgusting himself enough to move away from Marlena. “Get out.”
“John, don’t…”
“Get out. I’ll make this easy on both of us… you asked me once while you were in my bed never to hold anything against you that you’ve done or said, because you loved me no matter what. I don’t believe that anymore. I don’t believe you.”
“John, I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel. I truly am sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”
“You’re not sorry… go. Please just leave.”
“All right fine. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for any of this. I’ll have an appointment set up for you to take the test.”
“I haven’t said that I’d agree to any test.”
“You can’t see Belle without it. I’m not going to subject her to this emotional tug of war.” She said without thinking.
“Don’t threaten me,” he warned her. “I’m her father.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do. You can’t admit it but I know it.”
“Don’t tell me what I know… I don’t want to see you again. Not like this.”
“Marlena, this is a small town.”
“I’m going away.”
“With my daughter?”
“With my daughter,” she corrected him. “It’s not been established whose daughter she is.”
“Yes, and what does that say about you?” He spat.
She glared angrily at him, grabbing her coat from the back of the couch. Without another word, she stormed out of the door.
“My love for you [is] so strong
That no one can kill it
--not even you.”
-- Anonymous
Indelible images of a family—his family—burst into his mind’s eye. A family of small blonde children with eyes the color of the ocean, and a beautiful blonde wife at his side—his ultimate fantasy; which, at one time had been John’s reality.
“Get over it Black.” He spat angrily in the dead air of the dimly lit loft. “She’s never going to chose you.” He pulled a black photo album from its hiding place beneath the couch. Opening the first page to a picture of Marlena; she was asleep in bed with Sami and Eric snuggled up with her. He’d snapped the shot after a severely rough night with the twins, who had been sick with colds. Always the nurturer, her hand lay draped around the babies’ tummies; Sami close to her heart, Eric only inches away. He thumbed on, compelled by a candid picture of Marlena and himself, holding each other; her arms looped beneath his, her lips resting tenderly on his chin; the width of his arms snaked around the small of her back. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known; however, aesthetics was not her appeal. He loved her because she was the most loving, endearing woman he’d ever known. He loved the way in which she loved her children; the way that her eyes lit up whenever any one of them entered a room. He loved how much she loved Carrie whom she hadn’t given birth to; but, loved her with the same intensity and determination she did with her natural children. John was drawn to the innate goodness of her spirit; by her love of humanity and how much she enjoyed helping people. He remembered how hard he’d searched for a place to land while he was suffering from amnesia—until he looked into her eyes. It was as if she’d been saving a place for him her entire life, losing her never seemed like an option with them. Even when she was missing, he’d felt as if she weren’t far from her. He still felt an incredible connection to her then and more so now. He wanted to be with her and their children. He wanted everything to be the way it had always been; but, he was exhausted. He was tired of fighting Marlena; he was tired of fighting himself.
A soft knock on the door jarred John from his self-imposed pity fest; he dropped the photo album on the coffee table and hurried to the door. Half-expecting to see Marlena, his heart leapt; instead, he slid the door open to Kristen’s beaming face.
Taken aback, he said “Kristen ... Hello.”
“Hi John, I hope I’m not interrupting you.”
John looked over his shoulder, eyeing his empty loft. “No... Come in.” He said taking a step back to watch Kristen swaying pass him.
“Are you okay? You seem... I don’t know... maybe a little sad.”
John closed the door and followed Kristen inside. She sat down on the couch; her hand went immediately to the photo album on the table. She opened the leather-bound book to the picture of Marlena and John. Looking from the photo to John she said, “Beautiful picture. It’s so telling.”
John retrieved the album from Kristen in a haste, tossing it on the counter top across the room. “I was just looking over some old pictures.”
“Beautiful memories?”
“Yes they were. Doc and I had a wonderful life together.” He said lowering his head. “You want something to drink. I’m going to have something.”
“Something strong?”
“Very strong,” He told her walking to the kitchen to fix himself a scotch on the rocks. “Nothing?”
“No,” Kristen said walking to meet John in the kitchen. “Where’s Brady?”
“With Victor. He loves him so much and ever since we lost Isabella... he really looks to Brady. I’m happy to share the kid with Vic.”
“Well that’s good for Brady and Victor but what about you? It’s not good for you to be here alone.”
“I’m fine Kristen.”
“With your memories,” She said eyeing John. “Don’t you think that it’s time you moved on?”
“Move on... from what Kristen?”
“Marlena—her life is no longer your concern.” She said confidently.
“Why do you assume I’m consumed with Marlena,” John asked seeming slightly embarrassed as he sipped his drink.
“You’re sitting here in the dark, looking over that photo album... pining away for Marlena. I know how you feel about her. I can even understand why you feel the way you do but John... she’s moved on.”
“Kristen I don’t want to have this discussion with you.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Marlena said entering the loft, having been standing in the partially opened entrance. Kristen’s face fell ashen, and she looked to John for his reprieve.
Kristen looked away from John toward the door, “Marlena.”
“Kristen, I’d like to speak with John... if you don’t mind.” She said unbuttoning her coat, eyeing John from her place beside the counter; the familiar photo album caught her attention.
Kristen waited for John to respond, lingering between John and Marlena’s contentious glare down. John downed the last of his drink before finally acknowledging Kristen, “Maybe it’s best if you go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” He said showing her to the door. “I’m sorry about this.”
“If you need to talk after,” she said shooting Marlena a side glance, “I’m available.”
“I’ll be okay,” John assured her as he waved goodbye, closed the door, and turned back to face Marlena. “I’m not sure what you’re doing here Marlena... but I think you should probably go.”
She rolled her eyes, obviously upset. “John, I came to talk to you. I didn’t know you would be here with Kristen. I’m sorry if I interrupted...”
John cut her sentence off abruptly, “Marlena, don’t come into my house and act presumptuous. As you keep telling me, you have no right to what goes on with me... isn’t that one of your favorite lines?”
“John, don’t...”
“Don’t what? I’m actually surprised that you aren’t jumping on top of me right now,” He said heading to the open bottle of scotch. “Isn’t this about the time when you want to be with me... when you think someone else has me?”
Visually, Marlena silently followed John’s movements. The lost look in John’s eyes saddened her. They were darting frenetically around the room, his hand gripping his glass. She watched him take one sip, wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, and then take another sip.
“Don’t look at me like that. You don’t get to judge me, Marlena. You can’t keep doing this to me—to us. I deserve more than the moments that you throw at me. I love you and you know that. You know I would do anything for you but I’m tired of this back and forth. The limbo is killing me Doc. I was hoping that you would come around eventually and see things my way. I wanted you to finally be able to admit to the world that you love me and want to be with me, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He said dropping on the stool in front of the counter. “Look at this family. We were happy.”
Marlena moved to his side, laying her hand across his shoulder lightly. She could smell his spicy aftershave mixing with the alcohol seeping through his skin. “John, this isn’t good for you,” she said reaching for his glass.
He snatched it back. “I’m not one of your children. Don’t treat me like I am. I’m an adult.”
“Then have an adult conversation with me without hiding behind alcohol. You don’t need it.”
“No,” He said slamming his glass down. “I need you.” He reached up and seized her face between his hands.
“John don’t, I didn’t come here for this.” Marlena said pulling out of his grasp. “We have to talk.” She attempted to walk away; John snatched her wrist to stop her.
“Doc, do you understand what this is doing to me?” He queried yanking roughly on her arm, managing to turn her body back towards him.
“John, let go of my wrist please.”
He kissed her; clenching her mouth against his as he released her wrist and lifted his hands to each side of her neck. He pulled the material of her turtleneck down—kissing her—exposing the bites that Roman’s mouth had left. Moving back incredulously, he wrenched her forearms between his fingers, “you didn’t.” He said tracing her neck with curious fingers, holding her steady and against her will.
“John stop this.” She managed to free herself from his hold on her forearms. “I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this. I’ll go.”
“No,” he said running to block her pathway at the entrance of the loft. “No you won’t.”
“John.”
“No. You made love to Roman.” He accused her. “You promised me you wouldn’t.”
She shook her head.
“Yes.”
“No, I didn’t,” she reminded him. “I never said anything like that. I could never promise you something like that John. I am married to Roman. I have a life with him.”
The alcohol was tainting his mind, anger rose steadily, “You’re only his wife when it suits you Marlena. Who are you fooling here? Yourself or Roman? You can’t make love to me and then keep telling me how much you love and respect him. You can’t possibly feel that way if you’re here in my living room. Or calling out my name while you’re in my bed.”
Marlena tried to gather words that would heal the moment, or at least calm the moment. Nothing seemed suitable enough for the pain etched across John’s face.
“Don’t stand there looking so innocent. You’ve done this. You’re apart of this as much as I am. You can’t face up to it; you want me to take all the blame. I’m not going to do that anymore.”
“John please,” she said bringing her hand to cover her mouth. She didn’t want to break down in front of John, but her emotions ran over the top. Tears caught in her throat making it hard to speak. “I don’t want to argue with you. I wanted to talk about Belle.”
“What about Belle?” He yelled.
“I want—would you… I need you to take a paternity test.” She stammered, dropping her eyes to the ground.
“Why?”
“Please.”
“I’m not going to appease you because you’re trying to work things out with Roman. Because you fell back into his bed… that’s not my problem.”
Stung by the venom in John’s words, she answered back “I didn’t… this isn’t about Roman. It’s for you as much as it is for me—think of Belle.”
“I have thought of Belle. I’ve told you… I know who her father is. I can’t believe you would do this to her. What do you need the truth in black and white so that you can what…?”
“John, don’t do this to me.”
“I’m not doing anything to you Doc. I’m fighting for my life here. You’re not helping me.” He said taking her by the arm and dragging her to the couch. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because we have to settle things. I can’t live in limbo anymore either.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I have to know. We need to know. I hope you want to know.”
“I know. I know she’s my little girl.”
“Well I don’t… not for sure anyway. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Doc,” John said clutching his hair in his hand. “How could you make love to Roman? I don’t understand that Doc.”
“I’m not going to have this discussion with you. That is my husband. What goes on in our bed is not your business. This is about Belle.”
“I’m so sick of hearing about your husband. Go to your husband then… why are you here in my loft? You could have called to ask me this.”
“John.”
“I’m serious. Your husband… you’re bed, the whole thing makes me sick.”
“The way you’re acting makes me sick.” She replied. “You don’t own me. This is my life it doesn’t belong to you. You don’t have the right to this sense of entitlement… you lost that right a long before now John.”
“I own everything about you. You can make love to however many men you want and I’ll still be the man you want… and you know that. I can’t believe you would let Roman touch you after all we’ve done when we’re together. How did you explain the marks on your body to him?”
“Will you take the test?”
“Did you have another excuse that he bought? Did he kiss those places to make them all better? Did he? Did you play the seductress for him the way you did in your office with me?”
“John…”
“Did you? Did you cry out his name while he came in you?” He yelled, disgusting himself enough to move away from Marlena. “Get out.”
“John, don’t…”
“Get out. I’ll make this easy on both of us… you asked me once while you were in my bed never to hold anything against you that you’ve done or said, because you loved me no matter what. I don’t believe that anymore. I don’t believe you.”
“John, I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel. I truly am sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”
“You’re not sorry… go. Please just leave.”
“All right fine. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for any of this. I’ll have an appointment set up for you to take the test.”
“I haven’t said that I’d agree to any test.”
“You can’t see Belle without it. I’m not going to subject her to this emotional tug of war.” She said without thinking.
“Don’t threaten me,” he warned her. “I’m her father.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do. You can’t admit it but I know it.”
“Don’t tell me what I know… I don’t want to see you again. Not like this.”
“Marlena, this is a small town.”
“I’m going away.”
“With my daughter?”
“With my daughter,” she corrected him. “It’s not been established whose daughter she is.”
“Yes, and what does that say about you?” He spat.
She glared angrily at him, grabbing her coat from the back of the couch. Without another word, she stormed out of the door.
