Post by Mimi on Aug 31, 2006 22:10:13 GMT -5
3.1 I’d Run Right Into Hell And Back
“Imperfection is inherited, therefore we all sin.”
“Everybody’s at war with different things…
I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.”
Tupac Amaru Shakur
December 1993, Colorado
“I’ve never appreciated the understated beauty of home until I went away,” Marlena said. The beauty of Colorado lay breathtaking spans of mountain tops melding into the open-sky. The healing winds rustled leaves along the ground, along the rooted towered trees. “It’s so wonderful here Mama.”
Martha nodded toward her daughter. They were having a quiet lunch alone. Belle and her grandfather Frank were napping in the upper level of the three-story house. Eric had been spending time in Vail at a friend’s ski cabin.
“I missed this so much,” Marlena said reaching her hand across the table. “I miss home and you. I miss Daddy and Eric. It’s so good to be here.”
Martha Evans listened intently, observing her daughter with the unmistakable eyes of a mother; one whom knew her child; who could listen to her voice and know that there was more than what she could say; she read Marlena’s eagerness—her avoidance of Roman’s phone calls; she recognized the turmoil inflicting her eyes—the haunted look. Marlena had always been her most readable child; Sam had a gift of keeping secrets, she had always been an actress. Marlena’s quiet, unassuming personality betrayed the ease of secrets.
Martha further examined her daughter: on the outside, she was a picture of adoration and beauty. Those beautiful, forgiving eyes; masses of blond hair upswept into a ponytail, her father’s freckled skin—a detailed map of her combined lineage. Martha was a petite, ashen blonde whose beauty had been described as classic throughout the years. Her eyes were the color of shimmering emeralds. Her voice was strong and clear, yet soft as a dove.
“Honey, will you allow your Mama to pry a bit?” Martha inquired sipping daintily on a cup of Earl Grey tea.
“Of course Mama.”
“I know you love your Daddy and I very much,” Martha began, moving closer toward Marlena, “but you didn’t come home simply to visit us, did you?”
“Mama, I’ve missed you all so much. I thought it was time to bring Belle to see you since you and Daddy couldn’t travel to Salem.”
“Marlena, this is Mama you’re talking to. You’re my daughter…. in many ways that means you’re exactly like your Mama. You would never take Belle from her family on Christmas.”
“You are Belle’s family,” Marlena said emphatically.
“Yes we are, but there’s something going on at home. Tell Mama.”
Martha watched as Marlena pushed herself away from the table. She stood and began to pace across the room. “Mama… I don’t want you to be disappointed in me.” She said stopping at the bay window in the center of the room.
“I’m your mama,” Martha said crossing the room to where Marlena stood. She wrapped herself around her daughter. “Tell me,” she urged gently, “this won’t get better until you release it.”
“I’m not so sure that is true Mama.”
“Come here and sit down,” she said ushering Marlena toward the sitting area of the kitchen. Marlena smiled, remembering how cookies greeted her in this same place after school each day.
“Nothing ever changes at home… does it?”
“Never. Nothing ever changes anywhere honey. It’s a never-ending cycle…and that is the good quality about life. Things may shock and surprise us, but my girl, they have happened to other people before.”
“You’re saying that because you don’t know,” Marlena said lowering her head. “Mama I’ve sinned. I’ve betrayed my family…I’ve betrayed Roman.”
Martha listened unaffected.
“I had an affair with John and Belle could be John’s daughter.” She managed to confess, without tears. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“No honey. No. Don’t you say that. Is Belle the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life?”
Marlena shook her head emphatically.
“Well then…this is not all bad honey.”
“Mama, I’ve sinned,” she cried, “I had an affair with John. I betrayed Roman repeatedly. There is no way I can be forgiven for that.”
“You can be forgiven for anything Marlena. Anything at all.”
“Mama,” Marlena whispered turning away, “I know you’re disappointed.”
Martha cupped her chin and turned her gently back to face her. “I’m not disappointed in you, honey. I’m disappointed for you. I know how you feel about John and Roman.” She remembered the turmoil of Roman’s return. She loved and respect both Roman and John. They treated her daughter well; they loved her grandchildren well. She was however closer to John. She’d maintained a relationship with John when they assumed Marlena was gone. He brought the children to Colorado faithfully each summer, and certain holidays. Martha hadn’t known Roman as well as she’d come to know John but she loved and respected him, also. “Honey, you’re not certain of Belle’s paternity?”
Marlena shook her head, “we took a blood test before we flew in. The results should be clear today, actually. Laura gave me a heads up. I am more than anxious to have the results.”
“No matter what this test says honey—you’re Belle’s Mama. And you are capable of anything. You’ve lived through a lifetime of anguish and you somehow find a way to come out on the other side. Listen to your Mama sweetheart…we are all sinners anyway. You have to let yourself be human. You’ve always been such a giving and wholesome girl. You were that way with Samantha. You sacrifice yourself in order to satisfy everyone else. This is your life. You have to be happy.”
“Mama, my happiness causes so much pain for others.”
“You are only responsible for your happiness. You love John, don’t you?”
Marlena looked away.
“You do…you don’t have to say so. I know.”
Marlena bit into her bottom lip, “I don’t even know.”
“You know,” Martha answered knowingly. “If it weren’t true then you wouldn’t be in this situation. You would never do something as unfeeling as this.”
“Mama you give me too much credit. I’m really a flawed individual.”
“Yes, and you are allowed to be flawed. This is life honey. You only have one chance at it. Sometimes we fail miserably but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. You can’t just give up.” Martha pressed her hand to Marlena’s chest; feeling the rapid thumping in her palm. “If there were no Roman would John be your choice in here.”
“Mama, Roman exists…we can’t pretend as if he doesn’t.”
“Answer the question sweetheart. If you could have a life with John would you?”
“Mama, it’s a fantasy. It’s unrealistic. I have a husband and children.”
Martha craned her neck discursively, “and what if one of those children happens to be John’s, dear. It’s not as if you have the right to tell him to pretend otherwise. I’ve watched John be a father to the twins; it is about of who he is. He’s a wonderful father.”
“Mama, please. None of this will matter if he’s not Belle’s father.”
“I think you know who Belle’s father is Marlena. You know that she belongs to John.”
“Mama, she’s a baby. She doesn’t belong to anyone,” Marlena said curtly. She softened her tone when she spoke again, “Mama. It all hinders on what the test says.”
“Well honey, when she calls I hope you’re ready to deal with reality. This will not get any better allowing it to simmer. You’re avoiding your husband. You’re son is avoiding you. It’s not getting healthier—your family is disintegrating. You owe it to yourself and the people who you love to set things right. If you’re unhappy then that means they are unhappy. The world will not stop turning if you do something that people don’t expect of you. There will be some whispers and comments, let them talk, you live in a small town, but in order to get your house in order it all must begin with you.” Martha said kissing Marlena’s forehead. “You call Laura. Don’t wait until she calls you.” She advised, rising. “Go on.”
“Mama,” her voice grew humble, “I love you for understanding this. Thank you.”
“I love you too baby. Now go on…call Laura. I’m going up to check on Daddy and Belle.”
Marlena watched her mother’s petite frame disappear on the stairwell. She took a deep breath and lifted the phone to dial University. After a couple stomach flipping rings, she heard Laura’s voice on the other end.
“Hi Laura, it’s Marlena.”
“Hi honey. How are you?”
“Well, I’m anxious to know the results,” she said quickly, “have you gotten them back yet?”
“I actually was just about to go over them. They just arrived,” Laura said calmly. “I know it’s been a long three weeks. I’m sorry you had to wait over Christmas. Hope it didn’t ruin the holidays for you.”
“It was fine. We had a beautiful Christmas here.”
“Good. You need some normalcy in your life Marlena.”
“Being with my parents has helped me a lot. You never grow up to your parents…they still treat me as if I’m the little baby girl.”
“How’s Eric?”
“Strangely enough Laura, I don’t know. He’s so distant…he stays away from home quite frequently. He’s in Vail now with friends. I plan to set aside some time for him before Belle and I head back home. How is home?” She said cautiously.
Laura heard the unspoken question. “I haven’t seen much of John. In fact, when he took the test, I dealt with his new lawyer more than him.”
“New lawyer? Why would John need a lawyer?”
“According to Ms. Avery Chase, he wants to know his options whatever the results may be.”
“John wouldn’t get a lawyer…he knows I would never keep Belle from him—if she’s his daughter.”
“Speaking of which,” Laura said being reminded of the manila envelope in her hand. “Let’s get this over with.”
Marlena listened carefully to Laura immediate reaction. She waited herself with bated breaths, unsure of what she hoped the turnout would be. As Martha had warned, she knew without the results.
“She’s John’s honey. Belle is John’s baby. 99.99% his child.”
Marlena cradled the phone to her ear. The number sunk deep into her spirit; there was no more dispute—John was Isabella’s father. Silence seemed appropriate.
“Honey?”
“I’m here Laura. It’s just I think I knew the answer anyway…this just makes it real. John is Belle’s father. I have to tell Roman.”
“Wait Marlena…you need time to digest this. Roman and John can wait.” She counseled, realizing there was another envelope mixed in the larger one. “There is another envelope here Marlena.”
“What is it?” Marlena asked hopefully.
“Well,” Laura said opening the envelope. “Marlena you’re pregnant honey.”
“I’m what?”
“Pregnant.”
“Imperfection is inherited, therefore we all sin.”
“Everybody’s at war with different things…
I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.”
Tupac Amaru Shakur
December 1993, Colorado
“I’ve never appreciated the understated beauty of home until I went away,” Marlena said. The beauty of Colorado lay breathtaking spans of mountain tops melding into the open-sky. The healing winds rustled leaves along the ground, along the rooted towered trees. “It’s so wonderful here Mama.”
Martha nodded toward her daughter. They were having a quiet lunch alone. Belle and her grandfather Frank were napping in the upper level of the three-story house. Eric had been spending time in Vail at a friend’s ski cabin.
“I missed this so much,” Marlena said reaching her hand across the table. “I miss home and you. I miss Daddy and Eric. It’s so good to be here.”
Martha Evans listened intently, observing her daughter with the unmistakable eyes of a mother; one whom knew her child; who could listen to her voice and know that there was more than what she could say; she read Marlena’s eagerness—her avoidance of Roman’s phone calls; she recognized the turmoil inflicting her eyes—the haunted look. Marlena had always been her most readable child; Sam had a gift of keeping secrets, she had always been an actress. Marlena’s quiet, unassuming personality betrayed the ease of secrets.
Martha further examined her daughter: on the outside, she was a picture of adoration and beauty. Those beautiful, forgiving eyes; masses of blond hair upswept into a ponytail, her father’s freckled skin—a detailed map of her combined lineage. Martha was a petite, ashen blonde whose beauty had been described as classic throughout the years. Her eyes were the color of shimmering emeralds. Her voice was strong and clear, yet soft as a dove.
“Honey, will you allow your Mama to pry a bit?” Martha inquired sipping daintily on a cup of Earl Grey tea.
“Of course Mama.”
“I know you love your Daddy and I very much,” Martha began, moving closer toward Marlena, “but you didn’t come home simply to visit us, did you?”
“Mama, I’ve missed you all so much. I thought it was time to bring Belle to see you since you and Daddy couldn’t travel to Salem.”
“Marlena, this is Mama you’re talking to. You’re my daughter…. in many ways that means you’re exactly like your Mama. You would never take Belle from her family on Christmas.”
“You are Belle’s family,” Marlena said emphatically.
“Yes we are, but there’s something going on at home. Tell Mama.”
Martha watched as Marlena pushed herself away from the table. She stood and began to pace across the room. “Mama… I don’t want you to be disappointed in me.” She said stopping at the bay window in the center of the room.
“I’m your mama,” Martha said crossing the room to where Marlena stood. She wrapped herself around her daughter. “Tell me,” she urged gently, “this won’t get better until you release it.”
“I’m not so sure that is true Mama.”
“Come here and sit down,” she said ushering Marlena toward the sitting area of the kitchen. Marlena smiled, remembering how cookies greeted her in this same place after school each day.
“Nothing ever changes at home… does it?”
“Never. Nothing ever changes anywhere honey. It’s a never-ending cycle…and that is the good quality about life. Things may shock and surprise us, but my girl, they have happened to other people before.”
“You’re saying that because you don’t know,” Marlena said lowering her head. “Mama I’ve sinned. I’ve betrayed my family…I’ve betrayed Roman.”
Martha listened unaffected.
“I had an affair with John and Belle could be John’s daughter.” She managed to confess, without tears. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“No honey. No. Don’t you say that. Is Belle the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life?”
Marlena shook her head emphatically.
“Well then…this is not all bad honey.”
“Mama, I’ve sinned,” she cried, “I had an affair with John. I betrayed Roman repeatedly. There is no way I can be forgiven for that.”
“You can be forgiven for anything Marlena. Anything at all.”
“Mama,” Marlena whispered turning away, “I know you’re disappointed.”
Martha cupped her chin and turned her gently back to face her. “I’m not disappointed in you, honey. I’m disappointed for you. I know how you feel about John and Roman.” She remembered the turmoil of Roman’s return. She loved and respect both Roman and John. They treated her daughter well; they loved her grandchildren well. She was however closer to John. She’d maintained a relationship with John when they assumed Marlena was gone. He brought the children to Colorado faithfully each summer, and certain holidays. Martha hadn’t known Roman as well as she’d come to know John but she loved and respected him, also. “Honey, you’re not certain of Belle’s paternity?”
Marlena shook her head, “we took a blood test before we flew in. The results should be clear today, actually. Laura gave me a heads up. I am more than anxious to have the results.”
“No matter what this test says honey—you’re Belle’s Mama. And you are capable of anything. You’ve lived through a lifetime of anguish and you somehow find a way to come out on the other side. Listen to your Mama sweetheart…we are all sinners anyway. You have to let yourself be human. You’ve always been such a giving and wholesome girl. You were that way with Samantha. You sacrifice yourself in order to satisfy everyone else. This is your life. You have to be happy.”
“Mama, my happiness causes so much pain for others.”
“You are only responsible for your happiness. You love John, don’t you?”
Marlena looked away.
“You do…you don’t have to say so. I know.”
Marlena bit into her bottom lip, “I don’t even know.”
“You know,” Martha answered knowingly. “If it weren’t true then you wouldn’t be in this situation. You would never do something as unfeeling as this.”
“Mama you give me too much credit. I’m really a flawed individual.”
“Yes, and you are allowed to be flawed. This is life honey. You only have one chance at it. Sometimes we fail miserably but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. You can’t just give up.” Martha pressed her hand to Marlena’s chest; feeling the rapid thumping in her palm. “If there were no Roman would John be your choice in here.”
“Mama, Roman exists…we can’t pretend as if he doesn’t.”
“Answer the question sweetheart. If you could have a life with John would you?”
“Mama, it’s a fantasy. It’s unrealistic. I have a husband and children.”
Martha craned her neck discursively, “and what if one of those children happens to be John’s, dear. It’s not as if you have the right to tell him to pretend otherwise. I’ve watched John be a father to the twins; it is about of who he is. He’s a wonderful father.”
“Mama, please. None of this will matter if he’s not Belle’s father.”
“I think you know who Belle’s father is Marlena. You know that she belongs to John.”
“Mama, she’s a baby. She doesn’t belong to anyone,” Marlena said curtly. She softened her tone when she spoke again, “Mama. It all hinders on what the test says.”
“Well honey, when she calls I hope you’re ready to deal with reality. This will not get any better allowing it to simmer. You’re avoiding your husband. You’re son is avoiding you. It’s not getting healthier—your family is disintegrating. You owe it to yourself and the people who you love to set things right. If you’re unhappy then that means they are unhappy. The world will not stop turning if you do something that people don’t expect of you. There will be some whispers and comments, let them talk, you live in a small town, but in order to get your house in order it all must begin with you.” Martha said kissing Marlena’s forehead. “You call Laura. Don’t wait until she calls you.” She advised, rising. “Go on.”
“Mama,” her voice grew humble, “I love you for understanding this. Thank you.”
“I love you too baby. Now go on…call Laura. I’m going up to check on Daddy and Belle.”
Marlena watched her mother’s petite frame disappear on the stairwell. She took a deep breath and lifted the phone to dial University. After a couple stomach flipping rings, she heard Laura’s voice on the other end.
“Hi Laura, it’s Marlena.”
“Hi honey. How are you?”
“Well, I’m anxious to know the results,” she said quickly, “have you gotten them back yet?”
“I actually was just about to go over them. They just arrived,” Laura said calmly. “I know it’s been a long three weeks. I’m sorry you had to wait over Christmas. Hope it didn’t ruin the holidays for you.”
“It was fine. We had a beautiful Christmas here.”
“Good. You need some normalcy in your life Marlena.”
“Being with my parents has helped me a lot. You never grow up to your parents…they still treat me as if I’m the little baby girl.”
“How’s Eric?”
“Strangely enough Laura, I don’t know. He’s so distant…he stays away from home quite frequently. He’s in Vail now with friends. I plan to set aside some time for him before Belle and I head back home. How is home?” She said cautiously.
Laura heard the unspoken question. “I haven’t seen much of John. In fact, when he took the test, I dealt with his new lawyer more than him.”
“New lawyer? Why would John need a lawyer?”
“According to Ms. Avery Chase, he wants to know his options whatever the results may be.”
“John wouldn’t get a lawyer…he knows I would never keep Belle from him—if she’s his daughter.”
“Speaking of which,” Laura said being reminded of the manila envelope in her hand. “Let’s get this over with.”
Marlena listened carefully to Laura immediate reaction. She waited herself with bated breaths, unsure of what she hoped the turnout would be. As Martha had warned, she knew without the results.
“She’s John’s honey. Belle is John’s baby. 99.99% his child.”
Marlena cradled the phone to her ear. The number sunk deep into her spirit; there was no more dispute—John was Isabella’s father. Silence seemed appropriate.
“Honey?”
“I’m here Laura. It’s just I think I knew the answer anyway…this just makes it real. John is Belle’s father. I have to tell Roman.”
“Wait Marlena…you need time to digest this. Roman and John can wait.” She counseled, realizing there was another envelope mixed in the larger one. “There is another envelope here Marlena.”
“What is it?” Marlena asked hopefully.
“Well,” Laura said opening the envelope. “Marlena you’re pregnant honey.”
“I’m what?”
“Pregnant.”
