Post by Tammy on Aug 17, 2006 12:20:23 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
Several months have passed. John and I have been inseparable and virtually attached at the hip. We have spent these past few months getting to know each other in a much deeper way. We have been learning all the simple things about each other, favorite music, favorite foods…the simple likes and dislikes…and now it sometimes feels as though I know John better than I know myself…and he knows me better than anyone ever has in my life. I have never known a relationship like the one I have with John. I feel so connected to him…it is like I can feel every breath he takes and I can feel every beat of his heart. We have been getting so close, yet we have yet to take our relationship to the next level. We have come close to making love a few times, but either we stop ourselves or we get interrupted by someone or something. Like the night we went out with Bo, Hope, Lexi and Abe. I think we both wanted each other when we left the bar…and I do believe that we would have made love when we got back to John’s house. But my good old brother Bo made that impossible…he drank to much at the bar and was unable to make it all the way home because he was getting sick…so he and Hope ended up spending the night at John’s house! There was one time we were at John’s house and we were fooling around and getting pretty heated thinking that the kids were sleeping…however we were sadly mistaken when the came barging in and put a quick end to our make out session. Then there were other times when either John or I put the brakes on. I know that we are both being cautious because we are afraid of being hurt…but we have both become painfully aware that it is getting harder and harder to control the feelings that we have for each other.
Well not much else to say really. Christmas was wonderful. John and I took the kids over to the Brady’s for an early Christmas dinner and then we spent the rest of the day at John’s house with the kids…just spending quality time together…just the five of us. I have been a little lonely lately. John had to go out of the country for business a few days after Christmas. He is supposed to be gone until the second or third of January…and this time away from him has been really hard on me. It is so odd how attached you become to people when you are with them non-stop for months on end. Since he has left I feel like half of me is missing…and I know that John feels the same. He calls me everyday and sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. I can’t believe that we will have to spend New Years apart…however it might be for the best. After the news I got today…I don’t know how I am going to face John.
I am sitting at a booth at the Brady Pub after finishing my shift. My mind is a million miles away as I stare blankly into my cup of tea. I am jolted when Hope sits down across from me. “Marlena…racking your brain over it isn’t going to make it any easier.” I look up at her, “Thanks…you’re a big help Hope.” She giggles, “Well… you know that I am right. Marlena this is a really big decision…I mean this is something that you have always wanted…come on this has been your dream ever since I have known you.” I nodded blankly, “Well Hope…dreams change. A lot has happened this past year…and if I do this…it will change everything!” Hope pats my hand and just then Caroline sits down next to Hope, “Well…you too look like the world is about to end. What is wrong?” Caroline looks at me waiting for my reply. I fill her in on the news I received today…and Caroline has a enormous smile on her face, “Oh honey this is wonderful!” Hope shrugs, “Well…Marlena doesn’t see it as a good thing Caroline.” Caroline looks at me quizzically, “Marlena…dear…this is something you have always wanted. Why aren’t you happy?” I let out a frustrated sigh, “Because Caroline…this past year so much has changed. I meet John and my world became so much better…and not just for me but for JJ and Chris too.” I began to smile and Caroline and Hope looked at me with goofy grins on their faces as I continued. “Even though I have been to afraid to tell John how I feel…” Caroline looked at me and smiled, “Well...how do you feel about John dear?” I smiled even wider than before. “I…I love him Caroline! I love him so much I feel like my heart could burst! And this news…this news will change what John and I have…I just…I couldn’t bare to lose him! I just…I don’t want things to change Caroline.” She gets up from beside Hope and comes to sit next to me. “Marlena, dear heart, the only thing in life that is permanent…is CHANGE! And when you really think about it… just because things will be different…it doesn’t mean that anything will have changed. If you and John really love each other…like we ALL know that you do…then nothing and I mean NOTHING will EVER change that!” She titled my chin towards her and wiped away the tears that had began to form on my cheeks. “What does John have to say about this?” I shook my head, “He doesn’t know yet…” Caroline took a deep breathe. “Well as much as I would like to help you…this is a decision that you have to make on your own dear. I think once you talk to John about it…you will know what to do.” Hope sighs and looks at me, “I think that is precisely why Marlena is so scared Caroline. Because she knows in her heart what John would want her to do…and that scares her to death!” I shake my head and let it drop into the palms of my hands. This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my life so far… and what ever I decide will change my life for ever!
Several months have passed. John and I have been inseparable and virtually attached at the hip. We have spent these past few months getting to know each other in a much deeper way. We have been learning all the simple things about each other, favorite music, favorite foods…the simple likes and dislikes…and now it sometimes feels as though I know John better than I know myself…and he knows me better than anyone ever has in my life. I have never known a relationship like the one I have with John. I feel so connected to him…it is like I can feel every breath he takes and I can feel every beat of his heart. We have been getting so close, yet we have yet to take our relationship to the next level. We have come close to making love a few times, but either we stop ourselves or we get interrupted by someone or something. Like the night we went out with Bo, Hope, Lexi and Abe. I think we both wanted each other when we left the bar…and I do believe that we would have made love when we got back to John’s house. But my good old brother Bo made that impossible…he drank to much at the bar and was unable to make it all the way home because he was getting sick…so he and Hope ended up spending the night at John’s house! There was one time we were at John’s house and we were fooling around and getting pretty heated thinking that the kids were sleeping…however we were sadly mistaken when the came barging in and put a quick end to our make out session. Then there were other times when either John or I put the brakes on. I know that we are both being cautious because we are afraid of being hurt…but we have both become painfully aware that it is getting harder and harder to control the feelings that we have for each other.
Well not much else to say really. Christmas was wonderful. John and I took the kids over to the Brady’s for an early Christmas dinner and then we spent the rest of the day at John’s house with the kids…just spending quality time together…just the five of us. I have been a little lonely lately. John had to go out of the country for business a few days after Christmas. He is supposed to be gone until the second or third of January…and this time away from him has been really hard on me. It is so odd how attached you become to people when you are with them non-stop for months on end. Since he has left I feel like half of me is missing…and I know that John feels the same. He calls me everyday and sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. I can’t believe that we will have to spend New Years apart…however it might be for the best. After the news I got today…I don’t know how I am going to face John.
I am sitting at a booth at the Brady Pub after finishing my shift. My mind is a million miles away as I stare blankly into my cup of tea. I am jolted when Hope sits down across from me. “Marlena…racking your brain over it isn’t going to make it any easier.” I look up at her, “Thanks…you’re a big help Hope.” She giggles, “Well… you know that I am right. Marlena this is a really big decision…I mean this is something that you have always wanted…come on this has been your dream ever since I have known you.” I nodded blankly, “Well Hope…dreams change. A lot has happened this past year…and if I do this…it will change everything!” Hope pats my hand and just then Caroline sits down next to Hope, “Well…you too look like the world is about to end. What is wrong?” Caroline looks at me waiting for my reply. I fill her in on the news I received today…and Caroline has a enormous smile on her face, “Oh honey this is wonderful!” Hope shrugs, “Well…Marlena doesn’t see it as a good thing Caroline.” Caroline looks at me quizzically, “Marlena…dear…this is something you have always wanted. Why aren’t you happy?” I let out a frustrated sigh, “Because Caroline…this past year so much has changed. I meet John and my world became so much better…and not just for me but for JJ and Chris too.” I began to smile and Caroline and Hope looked at me with goofy grins on their faces as I continued. “Even though I have been to afraid to tell John how I feel…” Caroline looked at me and smiled, “Well...how do you feel about John dear?” I smiled even wider than before. “I…I love him Caroline! I love him so much I feel like my heart could burst! And this news…this news will change what John and I have…I just…I couldn’t bare to lose him! I just…I don’t want things to change Caroline.” She gets up from beside Hope and comes to sit next to me. “Marlena, dear heart, the only thing in life that is permanent…is CHANGE! And when you really think about it… just because things will be different…it doesn’t mean that anything will have changed. If you and John really love each other…like we ALL know that you do…then nothing and I mean NOTHING will EVER change that!” She titled my chin towards her and wiped away the tears that had began to form on my cheeks. “What does John have to say about this?” I shook my head, “He doesn’t know yet…” Caroline took a deep breathe. “Well as much as I would like to help you…this is a decision that you have to make on your own dear. I think once you talk to John about it…you will know what to do.” Hope sighs and looks at me, “I think that is precisely why Marlena is so scared Caroline. Because she knows in her heart what John would want her to do…and that scares her to death!” I shake my head and let it drop into the palms of my hands. This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my life so far… and what ever I decide will change my life for ever!
