Post by Tammy on Aug 17, 2006 12:51:18 GMT -5
“I need your help Lord…I need your strength if I am going…to let John…go!” She lowered her heard to try and slow the tears that were poring from her eyes. She suddenly lifted her head when she heard him speak, “What If I don’t want you to let me go?” She turned around and saw John standing beside the pew…with sadness on his face and tears in his eyes.
Marlena couldn’t help but to stare at John, he had one lone tear running down his cheek. She had never seen him look so sad and helpless in all the years that she has known him. After staring at him a moment longer she snapped out of her fog. “John…how long have you been here?” John nodded his head at her as a gesture to move over so he could sit next to her. He groaned as he bent to sit down, his back in excruciating pain. Marlena stood to grab him, she wrapped her arms around his waist and eased him into the pew. Sitting down next to him she lovingly rubbed her hand over his back “John…honey you should be home…resting.” John nodded his head trying to shake the excruciating pain from his mind, “I was worried about you Doc. When I came downstairs you were gone, Roman had no idea where you had gone…” Marlena wiped the tear from his face, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you. I just needed some air.” She gave him a wan smile. John nodded, “You didn’t think that I would find you here…did you?” Marlena shrugged slightly, “How did you find me?” John let out a slight giggle, “Well it wasn’t easy. I went to every other place I thought you might go, the park…our pier. I just ended up here, after a while. I figured that you might… need some guidance.” He nodded up towards the cross. Marlena followed his nod and looked at the cross, suddenly she remembered the question she asked that John never answered, “John you never answered my question, how long have you been here?” John inhaled deeply. He felt bad intruding on her private contemplation with God, but he had to be honest with her, “I arrived here…shortly after you did.” She looked at him with a slight shocked expression on her face, “Then… then you heard everything that I said?” John nodded, “I’m sorry Doc… I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your prayers. It’s just that I was…so worried about you, and when I walked in and saw you sitting here…I was so relieved to see you…I just couldn’t force myself to leave.” She nodded and looked away. An eerie silence filled the church. They were both not used to being together again, and it made for a nervous tension between them. Marlena was the first one to break the silence, “Strange isn’t it.” John looked at her as she stared straight ahead. “What’s strange Doc?” Marlena shied slightly, “This whole situation…us! I mean we have known each other and been in love with each other for what…almost twenty years. And here we are acting like two nervous teenagers on their first date. There is this nervous tension between us, that is so thick you could cut it with a knife.” John looked away from her for a moment, he could see how lost and alone Marlena felt. He wanted desperately to make her feel loved and safe, but he wasn’t sure how or even if he could do that for her anymore. He felt so much guilt for the pain that she is feeling right now, he wasn’t even sure if Marlena wanted his comfort. He took a deep breath and stared straight ahead as he spoke to her, “You must…you probably hate me right now.” Marlena abruptly turned to face him with a horrified expression on her face, “John…how could you ever think such a thing! I could never hate you.” She stroked his hair and ran her hand down his cheek, “John why would you think that I hate you, honey.” John let his tears flow freely as he faced her, “Because this whole situation is my fault. Everything that happened to you is…” Marlena cut him off, grabbing his face in her hands, “Don’t even say it John…what happened to me is NOT your fault!” John nodded his head and spoke to her with his voice slightly raised, “YES… it is Doc! If I would have been stronger, I could have helped you when that wave hit. If I would have fought harder… my demented, BASTARD of a half brother, never would have taken you hostage…AGAIN! And if…if I would have kept searching…You would have been home months ago.” John started to cry softly from the tremendous guilt that he felt. Marlena didn’t blame John for all of that. However she was hurt by the fact that he had given up searching for her so quickly, but she wasn’t so hurt that she wanted him to feel all this guilt for what had happened to her. She stroked John’s hair again, as she spoke to him softly, “Oh… my dearest love. You are many…many things…but superman you are not!” She grabbed his chin and turned his head so she was looking him in the eye, “I don’t blame you for any of that honey! John…for the love of god…you were paralyzed! You risked your life saving the people you loved from that island. You risked everything…to make sure we were all safe.” John snorted, “A lot of good that did you. Not to mention Roman, Cassie, Caroline…” Marlena cut him off, “John stop this…it’s not your fault. Some things are out of your control.”
They talked for a while longer about what happened to Marlena and the others. Marlena did the best she could to ease his guilt. She decided to change the subject to the fact that John was walking, and how he seemed to be making a miraculous recovery. “I just can’t believe that you are walking.” She said through her happy tears, “You must have been in so much pain, honey!” John nodded absently, he wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready to tell Marlena about his drug addiction…not yet. “Yeah, it has been a real…struggle Doc. But… Kate was a big help!” Marlena gasped at the mention of Kate’s name. She had another nauseating flashback of the two of them having sex on the living room floor. She covered her mouth with her hand, forcing herself not to cry. John saw Marlena forcing herself not to cry at the mention of Kate’s name. He knew it was just a matter of time before they had to have this talk. He eased his large hand onto Marlena’s back and began to make comforting circles. “Marlena I think we need to talk about this… situation.” Marlena sighed deeply, “I would rather not… but I know that we need to… resolve this.” John felt uneasy at that word…resolve. “What do you mean resolve…Doc? There is nothing to resolve! “ Marlena looked him in the eye, “John, you and Kate are engaged to be married.” John shook his head, “No… we WERE engaged to be married! But you are home now!” Marlena wiped the tears from her eyes, “Honey… just because I am home, doesn’t mean that your feelings for…Kate…are going to disappear.” Marlena began to sob, as did John. John grabbed both of Marlena’s hands in his and struggled to talk between his heavy sobs, “Baby… please you have to believe me…if I thought for…one SECOND that you were still alive… I would have NEVER…” Marlena cut him off, “I know…I know that John.” Marlena felt her own guilt wash over her. Marlena tired to lighten the mood a little, “Hey… how many times can you expect your wife to come back form the dead!” John shook off her lame attempt at humor, “Marlena I know how hurt you are that I moved on with Kate.” Marlena shook her head no, but John grabbed her face and looked her in the eyes, “Don’t lie to me Doc… you were never very good at it before…and you still aren’t. Listen to me…I do… care about Kate… but it doesn’t even come CLOSE to the love I feel for you sweetheart!” Marlena looked John in the eyes, with a mixture of love and pain, she stroked his cheek “Honey I would say that you more than care about Kate. John… you were going to marry her. You don’t marry someone you care about. You marry someone because you…you…love them!” Marlena let her hand drop from John’s face and stood from the pew. She walked past John and walked up to the alter. John struggled to stand. After finding his balance, he walked over to her and tentatively placed his hands on her shoulders. “Doc… come on. Let’s go home and talk about this some more.” Marlena wiped her eyes for what seemed like the millionth time since she had gotten home. She spoke to John, her voice barely above a whisper, “No” John shook his head thinking that he has misheard her, “No?” Marlena turned to face him, “No…John I can’t go home with you.” John felt an incredible fear creeping into his heart as he spoke to her with urgency as he began to cry, “Marlena… honey come on please come home with me. Everything will be alright…you will see. I promise I will make it right. Just please…PLEASE don’t walk away from me. Honey…please.” John began to cry uncontrollably. He started to shake from the torrent of tears that were now running down his face, and the withdrawal his body was going through. In utter despair he dropped to his knees. Marlena continued to cry, as she saw John collapse onto his knees in front of her. Marlena stroked the top of his head and then knelt in front of him. She grabbed his face, and placed a light kiss upon his forehead, “John…Baby please don’t cry… it’s going to be okay! I promise you it will. It will just take time.” John looked into her eyes, “We have already lost so much time. I thought you died…but you came back to me…again!” John ran his hand along Marlena’s face, trying to memorize every inch of her, before she slipped away again. John continued after a moment, “Please…I can’t loose you again…it will kill me!” Marlena knew what John was thinking, he thought that she didn’t want him anymore. The truth is that she thought John didn’t want her anymore. But she can see just by looking at him now how much he loves her. And she loves him beyond words, it would just take time… time to adjust to all the changes. She wanted to reassure him, to make him believe that in the end…everything would work itself out, even though in her heart she wasn’t sure of that at all. Marlena put her index finger under John’s sagging chin and lifted it until their eyes locked on one another. “I will admit that I have been through hell these past few years, and I know that you have too. Tony did his damndest to break my spirit, and honestly he almost succeeded. But there is one thing that he couldn’t do.” John looked at her with questioning eyes, as she continued, “Tony…nor any other force on this earth could ever…EVER…take away my love for you. My love for you runs through me like my blood runs through my veins. Please believe me when I tell you that you are NOT going to lose me. I am not going anywhere. But sweetheart, we can’t just pick up where we left off…” “Why Doc…I want to…I want to be with you” Marlena smiled, “I know…I would love nothing more than to be with you…just like we used to be. But John… it’s going to take time…a lot has changed while I have been gone. We can’t ignore that.” Marlena gathered her wits about her. She rose to her feet, grabbing John’s hands to help him stand. John finally stopped his tears and spoke to her, “So… your not coming home…are you?” Marlena shook her head and spoke through her tears, “No… at least not right now. I will stay with Belle for the time being, that way we can spend some time catching up. If you want to talk…you can reach me there…okay?” John nodded mindlessly, trying not to cry. He felt as though he was loosing her all over again. Marlena touched his cheek for a moment, looking into his eyes. After a few seconds she let her hand drop away, as she began to walk away from him. John turned and watched her walking away. He struggled to talk to her, and show her all the love he felt for her in four simple words, “I…Love You…Doc!” Marlena heard his declaration and stopped in her tracks. She turned to look at him, and saw the tears streaming down his face. She could see his heart breaking just by looking into his eyes. Before she could stop herself she ran to him and leap into his arms. She grabbed his face and crushed her lips to his. Their tongues collided with each other with a desperate need. John held Marlena to his chest, for fear that she would disappear. They finally broke the kiss when the need for air over took their need for each other. Marlena pulled back slightly and looked into John’s eyes. “I love you with everything that I am. I HAVE never…and I WILL never stop loving you. That’s a FACT!” They both smiled at the familiar phrase. Marlena kissed her finger tips and placed them upon John’s lips. Then she turned abruptly and sprinted from the church. John struggled as he made his way back to the pew, and sat down. He sighed heavily as he looked up toward the heavens. “I am losing her…all over again!”
Marlena couldn’t help but to stare at John, he had one lone tear running down his cheek. She had never seen him look so sad and helpless in all the years that she has known him. After staring at him a moment longer she snapped out of her fog. “John…how long have you been here?” John nodded his head at her as a gesture to move over so he could sit next to her. He groaned as he bent to sit down, his back in excruciating pain. Marlena stood to grab him, she wrapped her arms around his waist and eased him into the pew. Sitting down next to him she lovingly rubbed her hand over his back “John…honey you should be home…resting.” John nodded his head trying to shake the excruciating pain from his mind, “I was worried about you Doc. When I came downstairs you were gone, Roman had no idea where you had gone…” Marlena wiped the tear from his face, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you. I just needed some air.” She gave him a wan smile. John nodded, “You didn’t think that I would find you here…did you?” Marlena shrugged slightly, “How did you find me?” John let out a slight giggle, “Well it wasn’t easy. I went to every other place I thought you might go, the park…our pier. I just ended up here, after a while. I figured that you might… need some guidance.” He nodded up towards the cross. Marlena followed his nod and looked at the cross, suddenly she remembered the question she asked that John never answered, “John you never answered my question, how long have you been here?” John inhaled deeply. He felt bad intruding on her private contemplation with God, but he had to be honest with her, “I arrived here…shortly after you did.” She looked at him with a slight shocked expression on her face, “Then… then you heard everything that I said?” John nodded, “I’m sorry Doc… I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your prayers. It’s just that I was…so worried about you, and when I walked in and saw you sitting here…I was so relieved to see you…I just couldn’t force myself to leave.” She nodded and looked away. An eerie silence filled the church. They were both not used to being together again, and it made for a nervous tension between them. Marlena was the first one to break the silence, “Strange isn’t it.” John looked at her as she stared straight ahead. “What’s strange Doc?” Marlena shied slightly, “This whole situation…us! I mean we have known each other and been in love with each other for what…almost twenty years. And here we are acting like two nervous teenagers on their first date. There is this nervous tension between us, that is so thick you could cut it with a knife.” John looked away from her for a moment, he could see how lost and alone Marlena felt. He wanted desperately to make her feel loved and safe, but he wasn’t sure how or even if he could do that for her anymore. He felt so much guilt for the pain that she is feeling right now, he wasn’t even sure if Marlena wanted his comfort. He took a deep breath and stared straight ahead as he spoke to her, “You must…you probably hate me right now.” Marlena abruptly turned to face him with a horrified expression on her face, “John…how could you ever think such a thing! I could never hate you.” She stroked his hair and ran her hand down his cheek, “John why would you think that I hate you, honey.” John let his tears flow freely as he faced her, “Because this whole situation is my fault. Everything that happened to you is…” Marlena cut him off, grabbing his face in her hands, “Don’t even say it John…what happened to me is NOT your fault!” John nodded his head and spoke to her with his voice slightly raised, “YES… it is Doc! If I would have been stronger, I could have helped you when that wave hit. If I would have fought harder… my demented, BASTARD of a half brother, never would have taken you hostage…AGAIN! And if…if I would have kept searching…You would have been home months ago.” John started to cry softly from the tremendous guilt that he felt. Marlena didn’t blame John for all of that. However she was hurt by the fact that he had given up searching for her so quickly, but she wasn’t so hurt that she wanted him to feel all this guilt for what had happened to her. She stroked John’s hair again, as she spoke to him softly, “Oh… my dearest love. You are many…many things…but superman you are not!” She grabbed his chin and turned his head so she was looking him in the eye, “I don’t blame you for any of that honey! John…for the love of god…you were paralyzed! You risked your life saving the people you loved from that island. You risked everything…to make sure we were all safe.” John snorted, “A lot of good that did you. Not to mention Roman, Cassie, Caroline…” Marlena cut him off, “John stop this…it’s not your fault. Some things are out of your control.”
They talked for a while longer about what happened to Marlena and the others. Marlena did the best she could to ease his guilt. She decided to change the subject to the fact that John was walking, and how he seemed to be making a miraculous recovery. “I just can’t believe that you are walking.” She said through her happy tears, “You must have been in so much pain, honey!” John nodded absently, he wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready to tell Marlena about his drug addiction…not yet. “Yeah, it has been a real…struggle Doc. But… Kate was a big help!” Marlena gasped at the mention of Kate’s name. She had another nauseating flashback of the two of them having sex on the living room floor. She covered her mouth with her hand, forcing herself not to cry. John saw Marlena forcing herself not to cry at the mention of Kate’s name. He knew it was just a matter of time before they had to have this talk. He eased his large hand onto Marlena’s back and began to make comforting circles. “Marlena I think we need to talk about this… situation.” Marlena sighed deeply, “I would rather not… but I know that we need to… resolve this.” John felt uneasy at that word…resolve. “What do you mean resolve…Doc? There is nothing to resolve! “ Marlena looked him in the eye, “John, you and Kate are engaged to be married.” John shook his head, “No… we WERE engaged to be married! But you are home now!” Marlena wiped the tears from her eyes, “Honey… just because I am home, doesn’t mean that your feelings for…Kate…are going to disappear.” Marlena began to sob, as did John. John grabbed both of Marlena’s hands in his and struggled to talk between his heavy sobs, “Baby… please you have to believe me…if I thought for…one SECOND that you were still alive… I would have NEVER…” Marlena cut him off, “I know…I know that John.” Marlena felt her own guilt wash over her. Marlena tired to lighten the mood a little, “Hey… how many times can you expect your wife to come back form the dead!” John shook off her lame attempt at humor, “Marlena I know how hurt you are that I moved on with Kate.” Marlena shook her head no, but John grabbed her face and looked her in the eyes, “Don’t lie to me Doc… you were never very good at it before…and you still aren’t. Listen to me…I do… care about Kate… but it doesn’t even come CLOSE to the love I feel for you sweetheart!” Marlena looked John in the eyes, with a mixture of love and pain, she stroked his cheek “Honey I would say that you more than care about Kate. John… you were going to marry her. You don’t marry someone you care about. You marry someone because you…you…love them!” Marlena let her hand drop from John’s face and stood from the pew. She walked past John and walked up to the alter. John struggled to stand. After finding his balance, he walked over to her and tentatively placed his hands on her shoulders. “Doc… come on. Let’s go home and talk about this some more.” Marlena wiped her eyes for what seemed like the millionth time since she had gotten home. She spoke to John, her voice barely above a whisper, “No” John shook his head thinking that he has misheard her, “No?” Marlena turned to face him, “No…John I can’t go home with you.” John felt an incredible fear creeping into his heart as he spoke to her with urgency as he began to cry, “Marlena… honey come on please come home with me. Everything will be alright…you will see. I promise I will make it right. Just please…PLEASE don’t walk away from me. Honey…please.” John began to cry uncontrollably. He started to shake from the torrent of tears that were now running down his face, and the withdrawal his body was going through. In utter despair he dropped to his knees. Marlena continued to cry, as she saw John collapse onto his knees in front of her. Marlena stroked the top of his head and then knelt in front of him. She grabbed his face, and placed a light kiss upon his forehead, “John…Baby please don’t cry… it’s going to be okay! I promise you it will. It will just take time.” John looked into her eyes, “We have already lost so much time. I thought you died…but you came back to me…again!” John ran his hand along Marlena’s face, trying to memorize every inch of her, before she slipped away again. John continued after a moment, “Please…I can’t loose you again…it will kill me!” Marlena knew what John was thinking, he thought that she didn’t want him anymore. The truth is that she thought John didn’t want her anymore. But she can see just by looking at him now how much he loves her. And she loves him beyond words, it would just take time… time to adjust to all the changes. She wanted to reassure him, to make him believe that in the end…everything would work itself out, even though in her heart she wasn’t sure of that at all. Marlena put her index finger under John’s sagging chin and lifted it until their eyes locked on one another. “I will admit that I have been through hell these past few years, and I know that you have too. Tony did his damndest to break my spirit, and honestly he almost succeeded. But there is one thing that he couldn’t do.” John looked at her with questioning eyes, as she continued, “Tony…nor any other force on this earth could ever…EVER…take away my love for you. My love for you runs through me like my blood runs through my veins. Please believe me when I tell you that you are NOT going to lose me. I am not going anywhere. But sweetheart, we can’t just pick up where we left off…” “Why Doc…I want to…I want to be with you” Marlena smiled, “I know…I would love nothing more than to be with you…just like we used to be. But John… it’s going to take time…a lot has changed while I have been gone. We can’t ignore that.” Marlena gathered her wits about her. She rose to her feet, grabbing John’s hands to help him stand. John finally stopped his tears and spoke to her, “So… your not coming home…are you?” Marlena shook her head and spoke through her tears, “No… at least not right now. I will stay with Belle for the time being, that way we can spend some time catching up. If you want to talk…you can reach me there…okay?” John nodded mindlessly, trying not to cry. He felt as though he was loosing her all over again. Marlena touched his cheek for a moment, looking into his eyes. After a few seconds she let her hand drop away, as she began to walk away from him. John turned and watched her walking away. He struggled to talk to her, and show her all the love he felt for her in four simple words, “I…Love You…Doc!” Marlena heard his declaration and stopped in her tracks. She turned to look at him, and saw the tears streaming down his face. She could see his heart breaking just by looking into his eyes. Before she could stop herself she ran to him and leap into his arms. She grabbed his face and crushed her lips to his. Their tongues collided with each other with a desperate need. John held Marlena to his chest, for fear that she would disappear. They finally broke the kiss when the need for air over took their need for each other. Marlena pulled back slightly and looked into John’s eyes. “I love you with everything that I am. I HAVE never…and I WILL never stop loving you. That’s a FACT!” They both smiled at the familiar phrase. Marlena kissed her finger tips and placed them upon John’s lips. Then she turned abruptly and sprinted from the church. John struggled as he made his way back to the pew, and sat down. He sighed heavily as he looked up toward the heavens. “I am losing her…all over again!”
