Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 11:37:19 GMT -5
These past few weeks I have been walking around Marlena as if I were walking on eggshells. I don’t want to say anything that may upset her and I have been so careful on choosing the words I use around her. To tell you the truth I am afraid that she may go into some hysterical phase and that would put her and the baby in danger. Right now my biggest fear is to lose her again…and my nightmare would be losing this baby. I don’t know what I would do if we lost this baby….I don’t know how she would deal with it….would it push her further into her already amnesia state? All these questions circle in my mind and I pray to God everyday that he guides us through all this with flying colors.
Marlena has been quiet around me, I think she too is beginning to feel terrible about the situation. I’m hoping it’s the hormones but something tells me its not and that it’s definitely the depression getting to her. She has become a different person since that very day she told me she was pregnant. I remember as if it were only a few hours ago, the way she looked as she told me that she was pregnant, the gleam in her eyes, the sparkle on her skin….she was happy and I was too. And today she has become someone I don’t even really know, shutting me and the whole world out again. Even when we make love, or when we made love….it’s just not the same. I didn’t get a chance to make love to her that night she told me she was pregnant because of her breakdown and that much I understood and I respected the decision, after all it was my choice. But I did make love to her a few days after that, and it just wasn’t that passionate, loving feeling….it almost felt as if it were habit…a necessity…and that is something that my wife and I have never experienced or ever wanted to. And I know that it was her I was making love to…but it wasn’t my wife…It wasn’t my Marlena, the woman carrying my unborn child, the passionate and wild goddess in my world. As I lay on top of her, pushing myself further into her body, I watched her, she showed so little emotion…her eyes hardly closed in pleasure, her moans never broke the silence, her legs barley squeezed to my hips, and her hands hardly caressed the skin of my back or body. And even after we were done and I gathered myself, I would pull her close to me, but she would remove my arms and turn to her side, pulling the blankets to her and closing her eyes, crying….as if I have somehow molested her in someway. As you can imagine, I was in shock, feeling such an overwhelming pain in my heart. I kept asking myself the question if I had hurt her in anyway, what had I done….what should I have done. I begged for her to tell me but she continued to cry, refusing to let her body rest against mine. From then on, I haven’t made love to her, unable to take the throbbing torment of watching her suffer.
So I sit here on the balcony, watching the clouds in the sky as they turn and twist into different shapes. I have given Marlena the space she silently had been asking for, and I can tell she appreciates it in someway…even if she doesn’t speak it. As I stare at the sky I feel her hands run across my shoulders and I turn around abruptly, confused about what the hell is going on. She jumps back slightly as she lets out a smile, holding her hands up in defense.
“Woah…I didn’t mean to scare you.” She smiles at me and I know she can tell that I am staring at her as if she has three heads, because she drops her gaze to the ground and mutters before an uncomfortable silence takes over. I hear her mumble and I search for her face, hoping she makes eye contact with me. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything I have been putting you through.” She finally looks up at me and her tears flow freely from her eyes. I want to reach out and touch her but I hold myself back, not sure on how she would react. I don’t even know what to say to her, I’m so confused right now….what if I don’t say the right words….will she go back into hiding?
“Well you needed your space…” That’s the best I could come up with….a simple statement….and in my opinion it was so cold….but what else should I say….what if I say something wrong. She shakes her head at me as she takes a deep breath.
“I can’t control what I’m feeling….I can’t control this agony I’m in! So I lock up….shut out the world and everyday it feels like I am falling deeper into this hole of depression and everyday it seems to get harder to get out of. I don’t know what to do anymore….I don’t know who I am and where I’m going! How can I be a good mother when I can’t even remember my life….my memories…my past!” She drops her face into her hands and I just can’t take it anymore, I pull her to me and hold her as if she were part of my body. I feel her hands slide up and down my chest and I glance down at her, noticing that of lust in her eyes. I shake my head as I kiss her forehead…mumbling against her skin that we can’t.
“Why?” She asks me, almost as if she were begging me. I pull back and look at her, making sure she not only hears but sees what I am saying.
“Because when I made love to you last time….you traumatized me….the way you acted, the way you cried and backed away from me….Marlena! That was such a horrible feeling and I don’t ever want to have to go through that again or see the pain in your face while I’m trying to love you.” I let go of her arms as I pull back and take a seat again in the soft cushioned chair, trying to stare at the city around me and not into her eyes, but all my hopes are lost as she slides onto my lap, pulling my face up to look at her.
“I’m sorry that I did that….like I said I don’t know what is wrong with me….I need help baby...And I’m going to need you right there by my side guiding me the whole way…because I can’t do it without you.” I hear the urgent pleading in her tone, and I can’t deny anything to her….whatever she wants I will give to her….she is my life. “I need you baby….please.” She whispers in my ear as I feel her teeth gently tug on the skin before she sucks the skin so softly. I close my eyes as my hands unconsciously slide to her hips, bringing her closer to me. “I want you John…” I hear her moan and I fight the urge to rip her clothes off right here in the bright daylight on our balcony. I slowly push her off my lap as I stand up and bring her body to mine, snatching her mouth with mine. I pull her inside and quickly look around the room, wondering where to take her….the bedroom is too far…the living room is too open….what if my daughter comes in…the doors and drapes are wide open and closing them is too much of a task….and then it hits me….the den in the back....where the soft leather couches are…the dim lighting…no windows…a big screen TV….perfect! I grab her and pull her with me as she begins to laugh, asking where we are going. No sooner after we reached the room, I grab her body and pin her down on the leather, kissing her hard and biting her neck. I pull the black shirt over my head and throw it behind me as I lift her leg and kiss her bare ankle. She watched me with heavy eyes and I know that my old Marlena is back and right now….at this moment…is all that matters.
Marlena has been quiet around me, I think she too is beginning to feel terrible about the situation. I’m hoping it’s the hormones but something tells me its not and that it’s definitely the depression getting to her. She has become a different person since that very day she told me she was pregnant. I remember as if it were only a few hours ago, the way she looked as she told me that she was pregnant, the gleam in her eyes, the sparkle on her skin….she was happy and I was too. And today she has become someone I don’t even really know, shutting me and the whole world out again. Even when we make love, or when we made love….it’s just not the same. I didn’t get a chance to make love to her that night she told me she was pregnant because of her breakdown and that much I understood and I respected the decision, after all it was my choice. But I did make love to her a few days after that, and it just wasn’t that passionate, loving feeling….it almost felt as if it were habit…a necessity…and that is something that my wife and I have never experienced or ever wanted to. And I know that it was her I was making love to…but it wasn’t my wife…It wasn’t my Marlena, the woman carrying my unborn child, the passionate and wild goddess in my world. As I lay on top of her, pushing myself further into her body, I watched her, she showed so little emotion…her eyes hardly closed in pleasure, her moans never broke the silence, her legs barley squeezed to my hips, and her hands hardly caressed the skin of my back or body. And even after we were done and I gathered myself, I would pull her close to me, but she would remove my arms and turn to her side, pulling the blankets to her and closing her eyes, crying….as if I have somehow molested her in someway. As you can imagine, I was in shock, feeling such an overwhelming pain in my heart. I kept asking myself the question if I had hurt her in anyway, what had I done….what should I have done. I begged for her to tell me but she continued to cry, refusing to let her body rest against mine. From then on, I haven’t made love to her, unable to take the throbbing torment of watching her suffer.
So I sit here on the balcony, watching the clouds in the sky as they turn and twist into different shapes. I have given Marlena the space she silently had been asking for, and I can tell she appreciates it in someway…even if she doesn’t speak it. As I stare at the sky I feel her hands run across my shoulders and I turn around abruptly, confused about what the hell is going on. She jumps back slightly as she lets out a smile, holding her hands up in defense.
“Woah…I didn’t mean to scare you.” She smiles at me and I know she can tell that I am staring at her as if she has three heads, because she drops her gaze to the ground and mutters before an uncomfortable silence takes over. I hear her mumble and I search for her face, hoping she makes eye contact with me. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything I have been putting you through.” She finally looks up at me and her tears flow freely from her eyes. I want to reach out and touch her but I hold myself back, not sure on how she would react. I don’t even know what to say to her, I’m so confused right now….what if I don’t say the right words….will she go back into hiding?
“Well you needed your space…” That’s the best I could come up with….a simple statement….and in my opinion it was so cold….but what else should I say….what if I say something wrong. She shakes her head at me as she takes a deep breath.
“I can’t control what I’m feeling….I can’t control this agony I’m in! So I lock up….shut out the world and everyday it feels like I am falling deeper into this hole of depression and everyday it seems to get harder to get out of. I don’t know what to do anymore….I don’t know who I am and where I’m going! How can I be a good mother when I can’t even remember my life….my memories…my past!” She drops her face into her hands and I just can’t take it anymore, I pull her to me and hold her as if she were part of my body. I feel her hands slide up and down my chest and I glance down at her, noticing that of lust in her eyes. I shake my head as I kiss her forehead…mumbling against her skin that we can’t.
“Why?” She asks me, almost as if she were begging me. I pull back and look at her, making sure she not only hears but sees what I am saying.
“Because when I made love to you last time….you traumatized me….the way you acted, the way you cried and backed away from me….Marlena! That was such a horrible feeling and I don’t ever want to have to go through that again or see the pain in your face while I’m trying to love you.” I let go of her arms as I pull back and take a seat again in the soft cushioned chair, trying to stare at the city around me and not into her eyes, but all my hopes are lost as she slides onto my lap, pulling my face up to look at her.
“I’m sorry that I did that….like I said I don’t know what is wrong with me….I need help baby...And I’m going to need you right there by my side guiding me the whole way…because I can’t do it without you.” I hear the urgent pleading in her tone, and I can’t deny anything to her….whatever she wants I will give to her….she is my life. “I need you baby….please.” She whispers in my ear as I feel her teeth gently tug on the skin before she sucks the skin so softly. I close my eyes as my hands unconsciously slide to her hips, bringing her closer to me. “I want you John…” I hear her moan and I fight the urge to rip her clothes off right here in the bright daylight on our balcony. I slowly push her off my lap as I stand up and bring her body to mine, snatching her mouth with mine. I pull her inside and quickly look around the room, wondering where to take her….the bedroom is too far…the living room is too open….what if my daughter comes in…the doors and drapes are wide open and closing them is too much of a task….and then it hits me….the den in the back....where the soft leather couches are…the dim lighting…no windows…a big screen TV….perfect! I grab her and pull her with me as she begins to laugh, asking where we are going. No sooner after we reached the room, I grab her body and pin her down on the leather, kissing her hard and biting her neck. I pull the black shirt over my head and throw it behind me as I lift her leg and kiss her bare ankle. She watched me with heavy eyes and I know that my old Marlena is back and right now….at this moment…is all that matters.
