Post by Mimi on Aug 18, 2006 11:40:42 GMT -5
I stare out at the city from our balcony, thoughts of our future flashing and passing. It has been a few weeks and my wife has been under extreme surveillance by the doctors, watching what she is eating, hitting her up with steroids, medication left and right, forced to be bed ridden for the future months that lay ahead. I dip my head down and wonder to myself, ‘was all this really worth it….is it worth it?’…I shake my head and give a smile…what am I saying….of course it is…here is our chance to have our family again…something I have been dying to have since my life began with Marlena. I close my eyes as I feel a lone tear fall from my eye, the pain in my heart swelling throughout my whole body. I turn around slowly and walk back into our home, shutting the balcony doors and glancing up the stairs….the stairs that will lead me to my wife who has been restricted to be anywhere other then our bed. I slowly move myself over to the stairs as I climb then slowly…making my way to her.
I open our door softly, making sure not to disturb her in anyway. But she has heard me and opens her eyes slowly, looking at me before closing them and letting a few tears fall from them. My heart breaks as all I want to do is take this moment of pain away…wishing to God that it was me who had to deal with something like this…but not her. I walk over to her and gently sit on the bed, reaching for her face and swiping at the tears that fell down her face.
“Hey….relax baby…take it easy and just rest…it will all be okay.” I whisper to her, trying my best to sound reassuring but deep down in my heart I know that isn’t true…I don’t think it will ever be the same. I honestly am not even having much hope that the medication is working for the baby….maybe it’s a defense mechanism….trying not convince myself it’s not so I won’t be let down later. She shakes her head slowly, a slight sob coming from her.
“John I am so scared….I hate this…I hate it so much. What have I done so wrongly that I have to be tortured like this.” This time she breaks down as her body shivers against the softness of the bed. I run my hand through her hair as I shush her, begging her to relax.
“You have done nothing wrong…this baby is going to be fine…and I need you to be strong for the baby, can you do that? Hmmm? But you have to stop crying and take it easy honey.” She looks up at me and wipes her tears with her hand as she nods before turning over and laying on her back, giving me more room to lie next to her. “You ready to see the doctor tomorrow?” I know she is not but I thought maybe we could discuss this issue. She nods and drops her head for a moment.
“I’m keeping it….end of story. There are so many modern technologies out there…this isn’t the end of the world. This baby is going to be the healthiest baby we have seen when it’s born.” I listen to her and I know she is trying to convince herself more then anyone else. I reach for her hand and pull it to me….kissing it and telling her that I love her. I tuck her in tightly with the comforter as I close my eyes and let myself rest along her, hoping to hide our fears away if only for a moment.
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“Are you sure this is what you want? You are going to accept that there may be some huge complications down the road?” She nods before I can even speak and grabs my hand, squeezing it, silently begging me for her support.
“Yes…We accept it all. We’ll never know what could have been if it ends now. If God wants me to have this baby, then he’ll let me carry this all the way through.” Her voice cracks as the doctor nods before motioning her to lay back. He lifts up her gown and places some gel on her stomach before applying the device down on her skin.
“Let’s see if it worked.” My eyes shut close I see the screen…hoping that the medication worked but when I hear his sigh…I know it hasn’t. He looks at me and Marlena and slowly shakes his head as Marlena cries, hiding her eyes with her hand. I lean down and hide my face by hers, whispering to her that everything will be fine…lets just take it one day at a time. He pulls the machine back and shuts it off before grabbing his clipboard and marking down some things. “Well here is the good thing…the baby’s heart is beating very strong, which means it’s a fighter… and everything seems to be looking good as well. The blood looks good…its moving around a lot…which is always a good sign….so I think an abortion would be definitely out of the question.” He smiles at us and my heart once again feels with happiness…relief…joy! “We are still going to keep a close monitor on you …and I am almost positive this kid is going to be the wildest of them all when it’s born.” Marlena laughs as she looks over at me while I smile back at her, rubbing her face in slow movements. “Alright well we are done here for now….Marlena I want see you back here in two weeks…and if something doesn’t seem to be going right…give me a call.” With that the doctor smiles and leaves us alone in the room as I glance at her quietly, smiling a bit. She gives me a weak smile before falling into my arms, overwhelmed by all she heard today, and most likely relieved by the news. I pull back and kiss her lips gently before urging her to change so we can head on home.
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I awake to the sound of screaming and I do not know why….I am startled beyond words. I throw myself from the bed as I take quick notice Marlena is no longer by my side and panic fills my body. I try to think clear but my judgment becomes clouded as the crying becomes louder and the screams, more painful. I run to the bathroom, almost positive that’s where the sound is coming from. As I reach the door, my body goes limp and there is not a thing I can do that could help this situation. The love of my life, the woman who completes me, who owns my entire being, my soul, my heart…..lies on the floor, crying her heart out. As I look at her, I notice all the blood that pools around her, the red liquid now covering the white tiled floor. I run to her, pulling her hard into my arms, desperate to help this situation in any way possible.
“What happened baby?” I ask hurriedly as she continued to sob loudly, grasping onto me for dear life.
“Oh God…help me….JOHN!” She screams and I freeze, completely helpless at this moment.
“Baby hold on….I’m gonna get you to a hospital!” I panic and try to move but she screams and holds onto me tightly!
“JOHN!!!!!!!”
I open our door softly, making sure not to disturb her in anyway. But she has heard me and opens her eyes slowly, looking at me before closing them and letting a few tears fall from them. My heart breaks as all I want to do is take this moment of pain away…wishing to God that it was me who had to deal with something like this…but not her. I walk over to her and gently sit on the bed, reaching for her face and swiping at the tears that fell down her face.
“Hey….relax baby…take it easy and just rest…it will all be okay.” I whisper to her, trying my best to sound reassuring but deep down in my heart I know that isn’t true…I don’t think it will ever be the same. I honestly am not even having much hope that the medication is working for the baby….maybe it’s a defense mechanism….trying not convince myself it’s not so I won’t be let down later. She shakes her head slowly, a slight sob coming from her.
“John I am so scared….I hate this…I hate it so much. What have I done so wrongly that I have to be tortured like this.” This time she breaks down as her body shivers against the softness of the bed. I run my hand through her hair as I shush her, begging her to relax.
“You have done nothing wrong…this baby is going to be fine…and I need you to be strong for the baby, can you do that? Hmmm? But you have to stop crying and take it easy honey.” She looks up at me and wipes her tears with her hand as she nods before turning over and laying on her back, giving me more room to lie next to her. “You ready to see the doctor tomorrow?” I know she is not but I thought maybe we could discuss this issue. She nods and drops her head for a moment.
“I’m keeping it….end of story. There are so many modern technologies out there…this isn’t the end of the world. This baby is going to be the healthiest baby we have seen when it’s born.” I listen to her and I know she is trying to convince herself more then anyone else. I reach for her hand and pull it to me….kissing it and telling her that I love her. I tuck her in tightly with the comforter as I close my eyes and let myself rest along her, hoping to hide our fears away if only for a moment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you sure this is what you want? You are going to accept that there may be some huge complications down the road?” She nods before I can even speak and grabs my hand, squeezing it, silently begging me for her support.
“Yes…We accept it all. We’ll never know what could have been if it ends now. If God wants me to have this baby, then he’ll let me carry this all the way through.” Her voice cracks as the doctor nods before motioning her to lay back. He lifts up her gown and places some gel on her stomach before applying the device down on her skin.
“Let’s see if it worked.” My eyes shut close I see the screen…hoping that the medication worked but when I hear his sigh…I know it hasn’t. He looks at me and Marlena and slowly shakes his head as Marlena cries, hiding her eyes with her hand. I lean down and hide my face by hers, whispering to her that everything will be fine…lets just take it one day at a time. He pulls the machine back and shuts it off before grabbing his clipboard and marking down some things. “Well here is the good thing…the baby’s heart is beating very strong, which means it’s a fighter… and everything seems to be looking good as well. The blood looks good…its moving around a lot…which is always a good sign….so I think an abortion would be definitely out of the question.” He smiles at us and my heart once again feels with happiness…relief…joy! “We are still going to keep a close monitor on you …and I am almost positive this kid is going to be the wildest of them all when it’s born.” Marlena laughs as she looks over at me while I smile back at her, rubbing her face in slow movements. “Alright well we are done here for now….Marlena I want see you back here in two weeks…and if something doesn’t seem to be going right…give me a call.” With that the doctor smiles and leaves us alone in the room as I glance at her quietly, smiling a bit. She gives me a weak smile before falling into my arms, overwhelmed by all she heard today, and most likely relieved by the news. I pull back and kiss her lips gently before urging her to change so we can head on home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I awake to the sound of screaming and I do not know why….I am startled beyond words. I throw myself from the bed as I take quick notice Marlena is no longer by my side and panic fills my body. I try to think clear but my judgment becomes clouded as the crying becomes louder and the screams, more painful. I run to the bathroom, almost positive that’s where the sound is coming from. As I reach the door, my body goes limp and there is not a thing I can do that could help this situation. The love of my life, the woman who completes me, who owns my entire being, my soul, my heart…..lies on the floor, crying her heart out. As I look at her, I notice all the blood that pools around her, the red liquid now covering the white tiled floor. I run to her, pulling her hard into my arms, desperate to help this situation in any way possible.
“What happened baby?” I ask hurriedly as she continued to sob loudly, grasping onto me for dear life.
“Oh God…help me….JOHN!” She screams and I freeze, completely helpless at this moment.
“Baby hold on….I’m gonna get you to a hospital!” I panic and try to move but she screams and holds onto me tightly!
“JOHN!!!!!!!”
